Hickville Confessions: A Hickville High Novel (12 page)

As he approached the doorway, his lungs could barely drag in air.
What happened? Where’s Dad?
He reached to push back the curtain covering three-quarters of the doorway, but a hand clamped on his shoulder.

“Whoa. Where are you going?”

Justin turned to face a linebacker-sized nurse. “I’m here to see my mom.”

“What’s her name?”

“Sandy Hayes.”

“She’s been moved to telly—telemetry.” He pointed to a girl sitting behind a computer at the nurse’s station. “Betty can help you find her.”

“Thanks.” The post adrenaline rush zapped his energy. His muscles seemed almost too weak to hold up his bones. He concentrated on walking the three feet to Betty without looking like a drunk. Fortunately, by the time she gave him the room number, he was back to his normal after-football-practice tired.

He made his way out of the ICU and wished the best for the person who now occupied his mom’s room.

It didn’t take him long to find her. When he walked in, his heart sank. She looked up at him with a fake smile and swollen red eyes. She pulled a tissue from a half empty tissue box on the over-bed table and dabbed her eyes. “Hi, sweetie.”

“Hey, mom.” He bent down and kissed her cheek. “Where’s Dad?”

“He’s in the ED.”

So much for his promise to be around more.
“Can I get you anything?”

She shook her head and stared at the wadded tissue in her hands.

Justin sat in the chair next to the bed. Silence stretched between them.
Shit. I should say something.

His mom let out a ragged sigh. “I’m so ashamed.” Tears rolled down her face and Justin covered her hand with his. She looked at him and blinked tears down her cheeks. “Can you forgive me?”

He sucked in a breath.
This is not how it’s supposed to be. My whole freaking life is not how it’s supposed to be.
“Mom, there’s nothing to forgive. Just get better.”

She nodded and pulled her hand away to wipe her face.

They sat there for a freaking eternity not saying anything. The silence in the room amplified the awkwardness between them until he thought he’d lose his mind. “Mind if I turn on the TV?”

“Okay.” One word, but saying it seemed to take all of her energy.

He clicked on the news and let the frustration that simmered beneath the surface curdle him. Same scene, different location. Mom depressed, crying, not speaking. Dad working. Justin full of resentment and a heavy dose of guilt.

His mom’s dinner tray arrived and he helped her sugar her tea and butter her roll. His stomach reminded him he’d neglected to feed it. Even the pale Salisbury steak and rubber noodles smelled good.

“Go get something to eat, Justin.”

“I’m good. I’ll get something later.”
After Dad shows up—if he shows up.

His mom pushed food around on her plate but didn’t take a bite. “At least run down to the cafeteria and bring something back.”

“I’m okay. Eat.” He could get something. His mom was safe here. But it was easier to fill himself with anger at his dad’s absence. He stared at the news reporter and let bitterness build until he tasted bile in his throat. The news ended and one of those Hollywood entertainment shows came on. His dad’s shift was about to end. Depending on whether he chose to work late or not, he should be coming to the room soon.

It wasn’t long before his dad arrived wearing jeans and a polo. He carried an envelope and a vase full of daisy-looking flowers.
What, no scrubs? That doesn’t make sense.

His dad leaned across the bed and kissed his mom
.
“Sorry it took me so long. The gang in the ED sent these. They want to know if they can visit.”

Justin studied his dad’s face.
Does he even notice her tear-swollen eyes?

His mom studied the congealed gravy on the plastic plate and shook her head. “I don’t want to see anybody.”

“It’s okay.” He bent down and kissed her on the cheek. “One day at a time.” He sat in a chair on the other side of the bed. “I set everything up. You should be discharged tomorrow and I’ll drive you to Garden Oaks. Are you still good with that?”

His mom nodded, but didn’t speak.

Justin looked at his dad. “I want to go too.”

“You’ll miss part of school.”

“Really, Dad? You’re worried about that shit now? It’s just one day.”

“Drop the attitude, Justin.”

Justin gripped the arms of the chair and imagined the wood crumbling beneath his hands. “It might kill
you
to miss a day of work for Mom, but I want to be there. Jesus, Dad, you couldn’t even take today off.”

“Stop it. Don’t fight. Don’t hate each other because of me.”

Nausea swept through Justin as he reached for his mom’s hand. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

His dad locked eyes with him. “I didn’t work today. I was taking care of getting Mom help. I’ll pick you up from school on the way to the hospital. We’ll take Mom to Garden Oaks as a family.”

So, I jumped to conclusions. I’m a prick.
“Okay.” He turned to his mom. “I’m sorry. Maybe I do need to get something to eat.” He looked at his dad. “Can I bring you something?”

His dad pulled a twenty from his billfold and handed it to him. “Yeah, the hamburgers are pretty good. How ’bout it, Sandy—will you try something from the cafeteria? You know it’s better than this.”

His mom nodded. “Maybe a tuna salad.” Her voice was so weak she sounded like an old lady. She looked old too. Her body was frail and thin, with dull eyes, and pale skin. Who was this woman? Would he ever again see the mom who sang while she cooked dinner? The one whose eyes sparkled when she laughed? That mom had been missing for two years. Could Garden Oaks bring her back? He missed that mom so much his chest ached. He stood. He had to get out of the room.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, I’ve got it. Stay with Mom.” It was all he could do to keep from bolting from the room. He didn’t want to think about the dysfunctional family that had replaced the happy one he used to know. That family was gone forever. He pulled his phone from his pocket and sent Ryan a happy face.

She responded with a blushing face and he felt ridiculously better. It was good to do something normal—like texting.

Ryan floated across the water. The silver lining to living in the old house her dad had bought from her uncle was the pool. It was their refuge on hot summer days—or in this case, hot fall days. She stared at the gray wood peeking from beneath the white flecks of peeling paint. A fresh coat might revitalize the place, but Ryan liked seeing the strength in the weathered wood. Oddly, it made her think of her mom.

From the time Ryan had been caught in bed with Will Blankenship, her mom had supported her. She was angry, no doubt. But she never made Ryan feel unloved. It would have been easier if she had. It was the sheer disappointment that she’d seen in her parents’ faces that dug at her. Then her dad had lost his job and it all turned into a hot mess. When weeks of no work turned into months, it became a supernova-hot mess. Her mom, her hero, never blamed, never withdrew her love.

Her mom was like the wood beneath the peeling paint. Her life was crumbling around her and yet she stayed strong and held the family together. But Ryan’s room was next to that of her parents. She heard her mom’s midnight sobs beneath her dad’s seesaw snoring. Just thinking about it shoved the guilt blade into her heart.

As the weeks passed, she no longer heard her mom cry. She laughed more and things seemed to be good. And then the fountain thing happened. Last night she’d heard her mom again. If only Kelsey had kept her mouth shut, Mom wouldn’t have known about the rumor or the stuff written on her locker. Ryan could take some stupid kids bullying her. But seeing her mom hurt over it ate her up.

She rolled off the float and sank into the water. The cool water refreshed her face. But tightness born of guilt sliced her heart. If she stayed down here forever, she’d be free of the guilt. The blade couldn’t filet her soul. The pain would end.

She opened her eyes and blew air out of her lungs. Bubbles floated to the top while her body sank to the bottom and she felt peace. Could a person drown herself?

Her lungs burned. And she tried to ignore their signal for oxygen.

She felt her heart beat a little faster as a sense of urgency swept over her. Her lungs were no longer asking politely. They’d sent the
breathe now
signal. She fought it, for about a millisecond.

She pushed off the bottom of the pool and prayed she would make it the twelve feet to the surface.

When she surfaced, she used what strength she had left in her muscles to tread water while she took deep gulps of air.

Mackenzie grabbed her by the arm and pulled her to the side. “What were you trying to do, drown yourself?”

“No” she lied. “I was just seeing how long I could stay under.”

“You scared the crap out of me. Don’t do that again without warning me.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t. I scared me too.”

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. What the hell was I thinking? I, Ryan Quinn, will never try to escape my life again. Besides, I want to kiss the breath out of Justin before I die.

Admitting that thought took her by surprise. When had had he gone from
Person to Avoid
to
boy I want to kiss
? She didn’t know, but for the rest of the evening all she could think about was the stupid emoticon on her phone and kissing Justin.

Just as she crawled under her covers, her phone dinged and her heart soared.

Justin: Hey.

Ryan: Hey.

Justin: Can I call?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Ryan: Sure.

The phone had barely rung before she pushed Answer. “Hey.”

“Hi. Uh, Ryan, I’m going to miss most of school tomorrow.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” He paused and Ryan sensed there was more.

“Do you want me to do something?”
That was lame!

“No. It’s just—see, my mom is better…”

“That’s good.”
Slow down, girl. He barely got the last word out.

“Yeah. She’s better physically. But she has to spend time in a psych hospital. I’m going with my dad to take her.”

Crap! What do I say to that? Have fun?
“Oh?”

“So the deal is, we have to do this family therapy thing.”

“That’s good.”
Family therapy didn’t do a lot for my family. But I won’t go there.

“I don’t really want to go. I’m not the touchy-feely talk about shit kind. I’m going for Mom. And…” He struggled again, but this time Ryan kept her mouth shut and let the silence on the phone get heavier. He coughed and started again. “The thing is—Ryan, you inspire me.”

“Me?”

“You’re the strongest person I know.”

Yeah, so strong I nearly drowned myself.
“Justin, I…”

“It’s true. With all that’s happened to you, you just keep going. I’m going to therapy. I’m going to be the kind of friend you deserve. And if something grows from our friendship, then that’s like,
really cool
.”

Ryan’s heart pounded. Nobody—no—boy had ever said those things to her before. “You are better than I deserve.”

“No. Not yet. But I will be. I promise. I will be.”

What do I say to that? I love you? Because right now, my heart is beating about a thousand miles an hour and that’s exactly how I feel.

“Ryan, are you there?”

“Yeah, I’m here. I’m just taking it all in.”

“Please don’t freak out on me. I didn’t tell you to screw up our friendship.”

“You didn’t. I’m just… Just don’t be too hard on yourself.”

“I’m not sure when I’ll be back tomorrow, but can I call you?”

“Yes. Yes. Absolutely.”

They hung up and she snuggled deeper under her covers, wishing he was going to be at school tomorrow. She hadn’t seen him at all after Shop. She’d spent most of the day in the doctor’s office. Thank God they didn’t have to cleanse—aka torture—her face. It looked better every day. Her lip was still lopsided but it didn’t hurt. When she was ready, Dr. Cooper could repair the knot that had formed in her lip. He assured her they could take care of any scars left on her face.

She’d looked at countless before and after pictures. The nurse explained that victims of abuse had an easier time healing when they didn’t have a constant reminder. It took Ryan a couple of beats to realize she was suggesting that Ryan had been a victim of abuse.

Duh. Of course she had. She’d thought of it as bullying, as though the two things were completely separate.

She wanted to erase the evidence of what had happened to her. She wanted to move forward with her life. But the words scrawled across her locker told her that others didn’t give a rat’s ass that her face had been shredded. Until the culture of the school changed, fixing her lip wasn’t going to remove the reminder of what they’d done to her.

She ran her hands across her skin. It was smooth where the abrasions had healed—a sharp contrast to the scabs that remained. A tear dripped down her cheek. She wanted her face back.

She climbed out of bed and pulled the appointment card from her purse. Only, it wasn’t an appointment card. Across the top it read: Teen Violence Hotline. Below was a number and a website.

She clicked on the website and as soon as the page opened, her eyes did a little opening of their own. She knew what she had to do. If ever there was a reason she’d ended up in Hillside, Texas, this was it.

*

He’d done it. He’d told her he was going to a shrink and then all but told her he loved her. He was an idiot.

Justin fell back on his bed and thought of the way she pulled at her hair when she was nervous. He closed his eyes and tried to remember the feel of her hand in his, her body pressed against his…

He sat up. Shit. He needed to run, shower, anything to keep him from thinking of the feel of her. He pulled on his jogging shorts and running shoes and headed toward the front door.

His dad was watching TV in the den. “Hey, where you heading?”

“Going for a run.”

“Wait up. I’ll come with you.”

“Okay.”
He’s trying
.
I can do this. It’s just a run. We don’t even have to talk.

They’d run about half a block when his dad started talking. “How’s school going?”

“Okay.”

“How are you handling all of this?”

Now he’s going all shrinky on me?
“Okay, I guess. Why?”

“It’s been a traumatic experience. You were the one who found your mom. You fought for the gun. It’s a lot for anybody to handle, much less a kid.”

“I haven’t been a kid since you buried yourself at the hospital.” Justin caught a twitch in his dad’s jaw muscle. He probably shouldn’t have gone there. But his dad was the one who wanted to talk. All Justin wanted to do was run.

“You’re right. I work a lot and I take extra shifts. Things are changing. I’ve been asked to be the director of the ED.”

“Really. Congratulations.” Justin’s voice was flat.
How could a promotion possibly equal fewer hours?

“I’m not sure I’m going to do it. I haven’t talked to Mom. It’s a Monday through Friday, eight to five job, though.”

Justin remembered the days before the accident, when his dad always had at least a couple of days off during the week. Sometimes he’d pick up Justin and Chelsea from school and they’d get ice cream and go to the park. If it was cold, they’d hunker down at the house with a mug of hot chocolate. On the occasions when his mom was off too, they’d play games. Or his mom would take Chelsea to the mall in Spring Creek and he and his dad would watch ESPN or toss the ball around the yard. But those days were gone forever, so it didn’t really matter to Justin if his dad took the job.

“It would make it easier to pay for your college.”

Don’t put this on me.
“Do what you have to do, Dad. I’ll figure out college.”

“
We’ll
figure out college. Theoretically, there won’t be as much overtime. But, when all hell breaks loose, the director has to be there. “

“They call you in anyway.” He wasn’t being mean this time. It was a fact.

“Yeah.” They turned the block to head home. “Enough work talk. How’s Ryan getting along?”

“She’s amazing.” He hadn’t meant to say that, but the words just tumbled out. “I mean, she’s put up with a lot of crap. She doesn’t let it get to her.”

“Uh-huh. So, is she aware of how awesome you are?”

“We’re just friends.”

“And you want to take it up a notch?”

Or two.
“Yeah. But she’s like my best friend. I don’t want to mess that up.”

“It’s nearly impossible to stay just friends with someone you have feelings for. Eventually, you have to go forward or say good-bye.”

“That’s harsh.”

“But true. The going forward part should be awesome. If it’s not, it wasn’t meant to be and it’s better to say good-bye anyway. Just be smart about what you do if you take this to the next level.”

“Jeez, Dad. She’s not like that. She was in the Purity Club.”

His dad shrugged. “Yeah, well, the Purity Club ain’t going to be in the backseat when the blood runs south. Be sure you’re thinking with the right head.”

“Got it.”
Shut up already.

Great. Now the image of Ryan hugging him in the nurse’s office was playing in his mind. His dad was right. He couldn’t just stay friends. He was sunk. He was crazy about Ryan Quinn.

Now he had to find the right time, the right place, and the right way to convince her that she was crazy about him too.