Here We Lie (34 page)

‘Thought you could use a drink,’ she says, pushing one of the glasses in my direction.

‘You thought right.’ I sink into the sofa and take a long swig of wine. I’m praying Rose won’t start asking questions, but of course she is itching to know why I’m
here.

‘What’s going on, Emily? Jed called earlier. He was asking if I’d seen or heard from you all day which at the time I hadn’t.’ She sighs. ‘He sounded
desperately worried, but I haven’t called him back even though I promised I would if I heard anything.’ She pauses again and when she speaks, her voice is stretched thin with tension.
‘I know he hasn’t handled everything very well and that you’re upset, but I don’t think it’s fair to just run out on him without any explanation. And . . . I hate to
sound judgmental but what the hell is going on with you and Dan Thackeray? I thought you were going to stay away from him?’

My relationship with Jed feels like the least of my problems right now. Still, I’m going to have to face up to it all sooner or later and I know Rose well . . . she won’t be put off
if I try and play for time before answering her.

Not that I need any more time; I’ve made my choice.

‘I’m going to leave Jed,’ I say with a sigh. ‘I’ve more or less told him already.’

‘
What?
You
can’t. Why?
For Dan bloody Thackeray? That’s
mad
.’

‘No it isn’t.’ I set down my glass. ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t want to talk about this.’

Rose tilts her head to one side and looks at me. I can see the exasperation in her eyes.

‘Is this because Jed didn’t believe you about his son and those stupid drugs?’ she asks. ‘Because if it is, I think you’re being naïve. Of course Jed
didn’t believe you. He didn’t
want
to believe you. Try and imagine this from his point of view: he loses his daughter and discovers his son may be involved with drug dealers. Now
the woman he loves is telling him that the same son, his only remaining child, was responsible for his daughter’s murder. It’s just too hard for him to accept. I don’t understand
why you can’t see that.’

I sit back, stung. ‘I don’t want to go over all that again.’

‘You haven’t told me the full story about you and Dan either, have you?’ Rose persists. ‘You might not be planning on going straight back out with him, but you’ve
fallen in love again, haven’t you?’

I can’t meet her eyes.

‘Oh my God, you’ve
slept
with him too!’ Rose exclaims. ‘I can
tell
you have. For goodness’ sake, Emily, when are you going to get it through your
head. Dan Thackeray is a chancer, a commitment-phobe. He didn’t really care about you eight years ago. What makes you think it will be any different now?’

I look up at last. ‘Dan’s changed,’ I say, feeling defensive. ‘He’s not the same person he was when he dumped me.’

Rose looks sceptical. ‘Leopards, spots . . .’

‘He’s got a little girl.’

Rose’s eyes widen. ‘You’re kidding.’

‘No.’ I explain the circumstances under which Dan became a father. ‘He’s changed, he’s more responsible than he was eight years ago.’

‘Humph.’ Rose folds her arms. ‘I’d say having a child in those circumstances rather speaks to his
lack
of responsibility. Anyway, what about Jed? Apart from him
not wanting to believe you about Lish, I don’t think he’s put a foot wrong and he’s going out of his mind worrying about you. What you’re doing isn’t fair on
him.’

I open my mouth to protest. Jed is controlling and patronizing, I’d never realized how much until he admitted he’d tracked me using my phone, but now I see that’s how
it’s been since the start. I don’t know how to explain this to Rose, so I shut my mouth again. She pours herself some more wine. I watch her, feeling aggrieved, then she looks up and I
see the concern in her eyes. My irritation evaporates. Rose is just worried for me, like a mother would be.

‘I’m not going back out with Dan, at least not right now, but the truth is he makes me happy,’ I say. ‘Which isn’t the case with Jed any more.’

‘That’s
crazy
,’ Rose says. ‘You’ve been in touch with Dan again for five minutes. And you
are
happy with Jed, at least you were before Dan showed
up.’

I shrug. I don’t know what to say to her, how to explain either the ways in which Jed has revealed his true colours, or the transformation that has taken place in my heart.

‘Poor, poor Jed.’ Rose shakes her head. ‘I should call him, let him know that you’re okay.’

‘Please don’t,’ I say carefully. ‘It’s up to me to sort things out with him.’

‘Okay,’ Rose says reluctantly. ‘You know I only want what’s best for you.’

There’s a long pause. ‘I know,’ I say with a sigh. ‘But I don’t think Jed is that . . . not any more.’

Rose says nothing, just takes another sip of wine.

We go to bed soon after. I’m in my old room, where I always stay when I come back here. I think that with everything whirling about my head, I won’t sleep a wink, like last night,
but in fact I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

It’s still dark when I’m jolted awake. Someone is ringing and banging on the front door. I sit bolt upright. Is it Cameron’s man Bodgan? Has Dan broken his word? Has he come
after me? My heart hammers at my throat as Rose pads past my door, heading down the stairs. I switch on the bedside light – it’s not quite 1 a.m. and pitch black outside in the back
garden.

As I head onto the landing, Rose opens the front door.

‘Where is she?’ Jed hisses.

I freeze.

‘When I told you she was here, I thought you were going to wait until morning,’ Rose protests.

‘It
is
fucking morning.’ I can hear Jed stride past her, into the hall.

I back away from the stairs, trying to stay out of sight.

‘Please, Jed, calm down,’ Rose pleads.

‘Don’t tell me to calm down,’ Jed roars. ‘Now where is my fucking fiancée?’

TERRIBLE news . . . Bex’s stepdad won’t let her use his computer AT ALL and her phone is so basic all we can do is text. She wasn’t online ALL DAY today
and I nearly DIED as we are leaving for the holiday tomorrow morning. I thought perhaps she had forgotten about me or turned her back just like Ava and Poppy. I was REALLY upset, I couldn’t
even hide it from Mum. Of course Mum thought I was upset about the holiday. And I AM upset about that a bit because I look SO BAD in all my clothes but Lish will be there and Emily is nice and I
liked her sister okay and her brother A LOT and we will be going on his YACHT which sounds super cool. Of course the two people I saw upstairs at the engagement party will both be there, but now
I’ve done chats with Bex about them I’m sure she’s right and I just misunderstood what was happening. So I’m not even worried about that, only that I might be WITHOUT BEX
for a whole fortnight!!!

Anyway, like I say, earlier I was SO upset when Bex hadn’t been on UFrenz all day and then at last she was and I said I thought maybe she was mad with me and she said no never and then
she explained about her stepdad. I think he sounds SO mean. Anyway, Bex said he had like grounded her from using his computer so maybe we could text instead and she gave me her number. Of course
she has such a bad phone that we can’t even send pictures to each other but at least I know I will be able to be in touch with her when I’m on holiday and there’s no wi-fi and
Daddy makes me not go on the internet cos ‘it’s a waste’. I am SO relieved that Bex and I are best friends. I’m not even worrying about how fat I am for the holiday or if
Daddy will be cross. I know he doesn’t like me being fat – he makes remarks like he does about Lishy’s course at uni, like jokey things that aren’t jokey really. ‘Do
you really want that bar of chocolate?’ and ‘Maybe we should all pass on ice cream’, meaning I should. Because obviously he doesn’t mean Emily because she is REALLY slim,
like an actual model. I love her hair too, it is so long and silky. I wish mine could be like that, all swishy instead of like a big ugly helmet plonked on my head.

Ooh, there’s a text, I bet it’s from Bex. Thank goodness she is my bestie, I don’t know what I’d do without her.

‘I’ll go and get Emily,’ Rose says. ‘You’ll terrify her if you barge in like this.’

‘Good, she deserves a fright after what she’s put me through.’

I can hear Rose ushering Jed into the kitchen. I stand, frozen, on the landing. I can’t believe Rose called him. Half-asleep, I run into my room and pull on a sweater over my nightdress.
As I’m hitching up the sleeves, Rose appears in the doorway, anxiety etched on her face.

‘Oh, you’re awake.’ She fidgets with the edge of her dressing gown. ‘Did you hear Jed, he’s—?’

‘I expect half the bloody street heard him,’ I hiss. ‘I can’t believe you told him I was here.’

‘I’m sorry, I just knew how much he’d be worrying,’ she says, her face wreathed in contrition. ‘I thought he’d wait until morning. I’ll tell him
you’re still asleep.’

I shake my head, flicking my hair out from where it’s trapped under the sweater. ‘He’ll just barge up here if I don’t go down. For God’s sake, Rose.’ I hurry
past her, downstairs and into the kitchen. Rose follows. Jed has his back to us, looking out through the window at the dark garden beyond. My feet are cold on the tiled floor. Jed doesn’t
turn, but he must be able to see us both reflected in the window. Rose and I glance at each other, then Rose retreats to the hall. She shuts the door with a click. Jed straightens at the sound but
still doesn’t turn. He has taken off his overcoat which is draped on the chair opposite me.

I’m suddenly transported back to the day my parents died. The last time I remember seeing them my dad was standing exactly where Jed is now, with my mother on the other side of the table,
just like I am. Mum hugged me and told me to run along, a bright, fixed smile on her face. Even though I was only eleven I sensed the smile was a fake, though I didn’t – at the time
– think to question why Mum might have been so sad. Because my dad was so cold? Because she had been unhappy in their marriage, like Martin said?

‘Jed?’

He turns around at last. His body is stiff with fury, his eyes glinting in the low light.

‘Would you mind telling me what the fuck exactly is going on with you?’ he demands. ‘You call me and tell me you’re going to Dan, despite the fact that you
promised
you wouldn’t see him.’

‘I . . . I . . .’

‘After which I get nothing. No call. No explanation. I’ve been going out of my
head
with worry,’ he snarls. ‘What happened, baby? Too busy
fucking
?’

‘No.’ I take a deep breath. This is it. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t call, but you told me to choose. And . . . and I’ve chosen.’

Jed stares at me.

‘It’s not working,’ I stammer, heart thumping. ‘You and me, it just isn’t working.’

‘Not working?’ Jed’s voice is like ice. ‘It was working until last night. What does
not working
mean exactly?’

‘It means I . . .’ I hesitate. It’s hard to say the words to his face. But I owe him that much at least. ‘I can’t be engaged to you – be with you – any
more.’

The kitchen clock ticks loudly into the silence. Another reminder of my long-ago past. I meet his gaze as he crosses the space between us. Every step is careful and controlled. It feels like an
eternity until he is standing in front of me, taller than I’m used to because he’s in shoes and I have bare feet. Menacing. I hold my ground though inside I am shaking.

‘You don’t get to do this,’ he says slowly, each word italicized. ‘We’re meant to be together. We’re getting married.’

‘No, Jed,’ I say. ‘You know I’m right. You must have felt it yourself. Everything’s been wrong since . . . well, definitely since I went to the police. Look at the
way you traced me through my phone. That’s not—’

‘I did that because I
care
about you,’ he says with self-righteous venom. ‘I’m older than you and I
care
about you and you’re sometimes deeply,
disturbingly naïve as your ridiculous faith in Dan Thackeray’s lies proves.’

‘Dan hasn’t lied,’ I say. ‘He told the truth about Lish. And you won’t believe it. You don’t trust me.’

Jed spreads his hands. ‘Of course I trust you,’ he says, his voice suddenly conciliatory. ‘I was just upset. Okay, I was jealous, I admit it. But the ExAche was accidentally
poisoned because Benecke Tricorp were negligent, which I am dealing with through the court case. It had nothing to do with Lish. Those are lies.’

‘I haven’t been lying about Lish,’ I say with a sigh.

‘I know. I don’t think
you
were lying, just that Dan has conned you over him.’ His eyes bore through me.

‘You’re wrong, Jed. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to find out what . . . what Lish is doing, what he’s done. But the bottom line is he’s breaking the law and
you’d rather accuse me of being gullible and paranoid than face the truth.’ I take a step away from him. ‘So, I’m sorry that it hasn’t worked out, but we can’t
be together any more.’ Hands trembling, I pull my engagement ring off my finger and lay it on the table beside us. ‘Here’s the ring. Please take it back.’

Jed slowly picks it up and holds it out to me in his palm. ‘I don’t want it back,’ he says fiercely. ‘I want
you
back. God, don’t you get it? I love you,
baby,’ he pleads, changing his entire demeanour so suddenly that I blink. ‘
Please
don’t do this. Because I don’t believe it’s what you really truly want. I
don’t believe you’ve really stopped loving me.’ He pauses. ‘Think about it. Are you seriously saying you don’t love me?’

Outside a police siren sounds into the darkness. I wonder if Rose is still next door, if she is listening to us. I lower my voice.

‘I don’t know exactly how I feel,’ I say.

‘So you’re confused?’ Jed pounces.

‘Stop being such a lawyer,’ I snap.

Jed holds up his hands in apology. ‘Sorry, baby, sorry. Look, I get it now. We’ve been together over a year and it’s not so exciting as it used to be. We’ve been through
a lot: Dee Dee’s death has put a big strain on us. Then Dan Thackeray and his lies.’ He frowns sorrowfully. ‘Oh, baby, perhaps it’s also that you’re just not coping
very well with us settling down together. It would make sense. I mean, you’ve never lived for more than a month or two with anyone before.’