Here We Lie (30 page)

I turn around so we are facing. His face is soft with release, his wavy hair messy over his forehead. I reach up, sleepy-limbed, and stroke it back. The first time was fast and furious, all
passion and lust. The second was calmer and quieter, just the sound of our breathing and our eyes never breaking contact and on and on. My fingers trail down to the swallow tattoo on Dan’s
upper right arm. I trace the outline.

‘Do you remember when we went to get that done?’ I ask.

Dan nods.

‘And I chickened out?’ I continue.

‘I wanted to as well.’ Dan grimaces. ‘I mean, why a bloody swallow? I was too up my own arse to admit I’d changed my mind. I admired you so much for saying that you
had.’

‘Did you?’ I prop myself up on my elbow. ‘I thought you thought I was a coward.’

‘Quite the opposite. It’s funny, I remember most people who met you back then were fooled because you look so perfect, like a doll, and you’re not loud and pushy. They thought
you were – don’t take this the wrong way – but they assumed you were a bit fragile. My friends teased me about wanting to be a “he-man”, a cartoon hero, you know? As
if what I wanted was to big myself up by protecting you. I think even your brother and sister thought you were like that – needing to be looked after. But I never saw you like that. Right
from the start I saw how strong you were. You would always do the right thing, even when it was hard; even when most people would have bluffed or lied or fudged their way out of a situation, you
always faced everything head on.’

I stare at him. It’s true that people have always seen me as fragile – a bit of a victim, even. And if I’m honest there have been times, as with Jed in our early days, when I
have enjoyed people wanting to look after me, even
liked
being looked after. But in the end I always resent it.

‘You never said any of that back then.’

‘Didn’t I?’ Dan sighs. ‘Well, as I say, I was so up my own arse I’m sure there were lots of things I didn’t say or do that I should have done.’ He
kisses me gently on the lips then fixes me with a serious look. ‘I don’t want to push you, I don’t want to pressure you, but I don’t want to lose you again either. I’m
not asking you to decide anything, not right now, but I’m serious about this, about us. Okay?’

I nod. ‘Tell me about this lead you’ve got.’

‘It came from the time I met Lish. I cloned his phone so I could track his texts and calls. He’s pretty careful but there was one text yesterday about a meeting that I saw before he
switched to a new phone.’

‘What did it say?’

‘Tomorrow’s date then the word:
park
.’

‘Park?’ I frown at him. ‘Which park? How do you know where he’ll be? Or when?’

Dan smiles. ‘Because there was another text to the same number about an hour later which said
3 p.m. RHG
.’

‘Meaning?’

‘I didn’t know at first, but I Googled all the parks in London and the area around Southampton looking for something with those initials and I found it: Robin Hood Gate, in Richmond
Park.’

‘So you think Lish will be there at three p.m.?’

Dan nods. ‘Er, d’you remember I said there was something I had to tell you?’

‘Yes.’ My stomach clenches with anxiety. What the hell is coming now?

‘I really do need you to know this. I should have told you before; it makes a difference to us.’

‘What is it?’ I ask.

A look of anxiety fills Dan’s eyes. He holds out his phone to me. ‘It’s this,’ he says.

I take the phone and peer down at the text message on the screen. It was sent at 6 p.m. this evening:

Love you too, Lulu xxxxxx

I freeze. Who the hell is
Lulu
? Has everything Dan has just said and done been a lie? Am I, in fact, the most gullible person alive?

I look up at him. ‘What is this?’

‘Didn’t you read the messages?’

I look back at the screen, at the previous part of the conversation:

Hope you had a fun day. See you on Saturday. Daddy x

Yes!!! Lulu xxxoooxxx

Night night Lulu, love you, Daddy xxx

Love you too, Lulu xxxxxx

I stare up at him. ‘You have a
daughter
?’

‘Yes, she’s nearly five.’

‘Why didn’t you say anything before?’

‘I’ve wanted to but . . . but those times weren’t about me.’ Dan rubs his forehead. ‘I’m sorry, I’ve really wanted to tell you but it’s a
complicated situation . . .’ He tails off.

‘Do you have a picture?’ I say, feeling stunned.

‘Sure.’ Dan takes the phone from my hands, swipes the screen, then hands it back. The lock screen shows a little girl with blond hair in fine pigtails and a big grin. There’s a
touch of Dan about her grey eyes, though hers are bluer than his.

‘She’s gorgeous,’ I say. I can’t keep the sense of loss out of my voice. Dan has clearly had a serious relationship, maybe even a wife, though I’m sure he told me
before that he hadn’t. I look up. ‘Where’s her mother?’ I ask.

‘Okay, this is why I didn’t just blurt it out.’ He hesitates.

Oh, Jesus. What is he about to confess?

‘You said you weren’t married or with anyone.’

‘I’m not,’ Dan says quickly. ‘I’m not. I’m single, just like I said.’

‘So you’re separated from the mother?’

‘No,’ Dan says. ‘We were never together.’

‘You mean a one-night stand?’

‘Not even that.’ Dan rubs his forehead again. ‘Her mother is a journo friend of mine who was out in the States same time I was. She wanted a baby, but also wanted to know the
father, so—’

‘So you shagged her?’

‘No. Listen, Em. She’s gay.’

I stare at him.

‘Her name is Carrie. She was with someone, Gill, but obviously they couldn’t have kids so they asked me and I said yes. The deal was always that I’d be involved – but not
on an everyday basis. I agreed without really thinking about it, which was possibly the second most stupid thing I’ve ever done after leaving you. But once Lulu was born I fell head over
heels with her. She’s amazing, Em, just so smart and sweet. I can’t wait for you to meet her, if . . . if that’s what you want, if you decide you want to be with me.’

‘Wait, slow down.’ I look back at the screen, at the smiling Lulu. ‘Are you telling me you are the father of a little girl, whose mum is a lesbian?’

‘Yes. Well, she has two mums: Gill and Carrie. One of the reasons I’m here is because they came back to England because Carrie got a job on a national a few months ago. They live in
Yorkshire now. That’s why I left the States and came home too. I go up to visit every other weekend. I stay there, take Lulu out.’

We look at each other. Dan clears his throat. ‘I realize this is a massive thing to throw at you, but it doesn’t change how I feel . . . about us.’

I look away. I can’t deal with this, not right now. ‘What about this meeting Lish is going to tomorrow?’ I ask. ‘What do we do about that?’

‘I’m going to be there, at the park gate. I’ll be able to see who he’s meeting . . . maybe even film what happens . . .’

‘I’m coming too,’ I say.

‘No—’

I press my finger over Dan’s lips. ‘I’m not asking permission, Dan. I’m coming.’

So like for a WHOLE DAY I kept thinking about what I saw at the party and should I tell Mum or Daddy even though they would both be SO MAD. In the end I went on UFrenz and
the most AMAZING thing happened. It’s funny cos Mum has been asking why I’m not seeing my friends over the holiday and I’ve said so and so is away or that I’d rather be on
my own or whatever. And Mum said she’d get Marietta Hingis round for a playdate – like we were still FIVE YEARS OLD – and I told her NO and that I HATE MARIETTA HINGIS and Mum got
all cross and said she was only trying to help. SO . . . yesterday after we’d had a row AGAIN I came up here and went on UFrenz like I’ve done before only this time I met Bex on it. And
she was SO lovely. And YES I KNOW that paedos and whatnot go to places like that like they were all saying at the party but Bex is real. I know she is who she says cos of the way she talks about
her picture – you have to post a picture of your face and say your age and you’re not ALLOWED to use it unless you’re between thirteen and eighteen so it’s supposed to be,
like, TOTALLY safe.

I logged on as usual as Lia which is from my name Cordelia that no one calls me cos I’m stuck with stupid Dee Dee. So you see I was being careful and not using my name everyone knows me
by. And Bex came and said hello and she is SO cool. REALLY nice and like pretty but not TOO much and she told me how she had these friends at school who had been mean and sent her texts saying it
would be better if she wasn’t at school at all JUST LIKE happened with me. And she’s been SO nice, saying that it’s not my fault those girls were mean, that we’re better
than girls like that and better off being friends with each other. And did I say she was pretty? She’s got brown hair like mine but lighter and her nose and mouth are smaller and much, much
nicer but she was complaining her hair gets all frizzed up just like mine does and how it’s all thick and she HATES it and she said she thought looking at my picture that MY hair was nicer
than hers so I said I thought HERS was nicer and she was SO pleased and said she was really glad she’d met me.

After we’d chatted for a while I told her what I saw at the party and she says maybe it was not what I thought and explained it in a different way so I feel better about it now. She
really understands things and we both like cute kitten pictures and I know she lives MILES outside London so like there is NO chance we could meet up so I KNOW FOR SURE it’s not some paedo
like Mum would worry about.

That night I lie awake for hours, until the sky outside the window turns from indigo to steel, spreading a grey light through the room. Dan and I spend the early part of the
morning in the hotel room, ordering breakfast and making love. I switch on my phone to find several angry voice mails from Jed, plus a series of increasingly concerned texts from Laura, Rose and
Martin. I reply to Laura and my siblings, reassuring them I’m fine. I can’t face Jed’s temper though. After a while I fall asleep again, this time properly. I’m out for
several hours, waking as Dan shakes my arm. He is dressed, a worried look on his face.

‘I’ve got the room for another night. I didn’t want to wake you, but I didn’t want you to be upset if you woke and I was gone.’

‘I told you, I’m coming with you.’ I swing my legs out of the bed and run my fingers through my hair. ‘How are we getting there?’

‘I hired a car while you were asleep.’

Half an hour later, we’re on our way. The closer we get to Richmond Park, the more anxious I feel and the more tense Dan looks. I ask him about his daughter, hoping it will give him
something else to focus on. His voice is full of emotion as he describes her and how open and affectionate she is.

‘I look at Lulu with Gill and Carrie and . . . and . . . they’re great. I love them both and they’re super generous with me. But I realize how, I dunno, cavalier I was back
then thinking I could have a child like an accessory or something. I was
such
a jerk. I remember thinking that I would never want a family of my own, so why not help someone else to have a
kid, never thinking what an irresponsible shit I was being to the child herself . . . and with no idea of how much she would matter to me.’

‘Show me some more pictures.’

Dan directs me to a video on his iPad of Lulu at her last birthday party. She is indeed a sweet-looking child. Carrie and Gill look nice too. I gaze at Dan, his whole face lit up as he glances
across at the screen. It strikes me that he is a different man from the person I knew all those years ago.

We’re almost at the park now.

‘Are you sure this is what you want to do?’ I ask.

‘Yes,’ Dan goes on. ‘It’s not just the drugs thing being wrong. I kept thinking about Jed’s daughter, Dee Dee, how I’d feel if anyone did that to Lulu . .
.’

Richmond Park appears on the left. Dan parks around the corner and shoves his iPad into the glove compartment. We walk to Robin Hood Gate. It is freezing, far colder than yesterday, the cold air
made worse by a biting wind. I zip up my jacket, wishing I had a hat with me. I’ve left my handbag alongside the iPad in the glove compartment so that I’m unencumbered. My phone is in
the shallow pocket of my jacket in case I need it later but I’m worried it might fall out if I have to run. I couldn’t be worse prepared for what we are doing now though at least I
didn’t dress up to meet Laura last night and am still wearing jeans and low-heeled boots. I check the time as we position ourselves across the road from the gate, concealed by a van and a
tree. It’s twenty-five to three.

‘Is your phone switched off?’ Dan asks.

I check it then hand him the mobile. ‘Would you keep this in your pocket? I’m worried it might fall out of mine.’

Dan pockets my phone and we stand in the cold watching out for Lish. After half an hour he still hasn’t appeared and a light rain starts to drizzle from the dark clouds above.

‘D’you think we misunderstood the text?’ I ask.

‘No, it’s only five past.’ Dan puts his arm around my shoulders and I lean towards him, lifting my face for a swift kiss. For a moment I experience the weirdest sensation, like
I’m spinning through air, slightly out of control but full of joy. And then, out of the corner of my eye, I see Lish approaching the Robin Hood Gate carrying a small holdall in his hand.

I step back, feeling the cold, hard pavement beneath my feet again.

‘Look.’

Dan turns and follows my gaze.

‘What d’you think’s inside the bag?’

‘Drugs or money, I imagine,’ Dan mutters.

An icy chill settles on my chest. ‘That’s good,’ I say, trying to focus on what we need to do next. ‘If it’s drugs, we can film him selling them; if it’s
money, maybe he’ll use it to pay for drugs
to
sell and we can film that. Then we take the film to the police.’

‘Exactly.’ Dan grits his teeth as we watch Lish arrive at the gate. He stops for a moment, glances around, then strides off, into the park. Dan and I look at each other. The drizzle
settles like a mist on our faces.