Hello World (26 page)

‘Fine, but
if you do, I’m not carrying you back down the hill,’ I warn. Jay’s eyes light
up and he winks. I march over and help him up into a standing position and we
move to the edge of the hill, my arm around his waist and his around my
shoulders to give him support.

‘God
you’re heavy,’ I complain. He smirks.

‘I’m
perfect, you’re just weak,’ he retorts. Jay looks out across the view before
him. Almost flippantly he says, ‘well, not so perfect anymore, huh?’

The
comment surprises me, and I realise then why Jay always makes so many comments
on his good looks, so much so to the point of arrogance. It’s because he didn’t
think they would last.

I go to
tell him that he’s wrong, that’s he’s still handsome and beautiful but I know
he’ll just shake it off and ignore me. So I say the only other thing I can.

‘I would,’
I say as seriously as possible. Jay bursts into laughter.

‘Who
wouldn’t?’ he winks, settling into the old Jay again. I smile inwardly. ‘Thank
you for taking me here, to yours and Alex’s spot. I know how important it must
be to you, it means a lot that you would take me here,’ he adds, almost as an
after thought.

‘Ours,’ I
say at last, turning to look at him. Jay gives me a questioning look. ‘It was
mine and Alex’s, now it’s ours,’ I tell him, squeezing his hand. He smiles and
looks down, although squeezes my hand back.

Because
that’s how life works. It was mine and Alex’s spot, now it’s mine and Jay’s,
and by next week it could be someone else’s entirely. One minute something
could belong with you, be standing next to you, and the next it could be gone.

Life is
always moving on, and sometimes, it’s not always a bad thing.

‘Wouldn’t
it just be great if we could yell all our problems away, shout them at the wind
and have them carried off,’ I muse, looking up at the night sky. Jay’s lips
twitch upwards.

‘So why
don’t we?’ he smirks, detaching himself and spreading his arms wide, taking a
few steps backwards.

‘Don’t you
dare-’ I start, but Jay has already made up his mind.

‘My name
is Jay Ellsworth, and I never learnt to play the piano!’ he yells into thin
air. I regard him judgmentally.

‘You wanted
to learn the piano?’ I laugh. Jay shrugs.

‘I also
wanted to be able to shoot a hoop. Your go,’ he grins.

I shake my
head but know that with Jay, there is no getting out of this sort of thing. I
bite my lip before spreading my arms like Jay had done.

‘My name
is Neve Willows, and I had a pet rock until I was twelve!’ I shout, raising my
voice so loudly that the back of my throat burns. Jay bursts into laughter
again.

‘You
seriously had a pet rock?’ He raises an eyebrow.

‘I had a
lonely childhood,’ I tease, smirking. Jay rolls his eyes and moves to take
centre stage again.

‘My name
is Jay Ellsworth,’ he says carefully, pronouncing each word with equal
precision. ‘And I have cancer!’

 
‘My name is Neve Willows,’ I follow, my
voice stronger this time. ‘And I have taken a lot of your shit over the years!
But you know what world? Screw you!’

‘Nice
touch,’ Jay acknowledges, making his way back over to me.

‘I thought
so,’ I grin. Coming to stand next to me, Jay takes my hand and entwines my
fingers through his. I lean against his arm and close my eyes peacefully.

‘Neve,’
Jay says in a soft, quiet and almost timid voice. ‘I think it’s coming soon,
the end and… I’m scared. I’m honest to God scared shitless,’ he manages to get
out. I open my eyes and look up at him to see his throat working, his eyes
reddening in that way guys do when they don’t want anyone to realise they’re
crying. ‘What if it hurts? Like, really hurts…’ he trails off, rubbing at his
eyes subtly.

I grip his
hand tighter, my own starting to shake.

‘I’m
scared too,’ I admit, suddenly feeling cold and unnerved. Jay never shows
emotion about his condition. ‘But I don’t think it will. Endings are supposed
to be peaceful, you know? I like to think that, in the end, my parents didn’t
suffer much in that crash. That it was over too quickly for them to feel
anything. So no, I don’t think it will hurt, you probably won’t even realise
it…’ I utter quietly, not sure if my words are comforting or just making
everything worse.

Jay
doesn’t say anything, just looks out at the big wide world longingly.

‘Do you
remember what you said to me, the first time we came up here?’ I smile. Jay
raises an eyebrow. ‘You told me you wanted to be remembered when you die, that
you wanted to do something that mattered. Well you did, you so did,’ I suddenly
choke on my own words, tears prickling at my eyes. ‘You have no idea how much
you’ve helped me. You helped me do so much… helped me find things I didn’t even
know I was missing. I could never forget you, I don’t think anyone can…’ And
then the tears start rolling down my cheeks. Jay wraps his big arms around us
both and squeezes me tightly.

‘You are
so, so special, Red,’ he whispers into my hair. ‘I know I’ve said it before but
just know that I mean that… oh God, you’ve got me going now,’ Jay chuckles,
wiping a tear from his cheek.

‘I’m going
to miss you,’ I sob into his shirt. ‘You broke your promise, you know. You told
me you wouldn’t leave…’

Jay
chuckles again, pulling away from me so he can tuck a piece of hair behind my
ear. A cold breeze is starting to rise but I ignore it.

‘I don’t
break my promises.’ Jay’s lips twitch upwards. He holds my arms fiercely,
forcing me to look him in the eye. ‘Listen to me, Neve. I will
never
leave you, never. But I need you
to know this, I need you to trust me on this. Please? Promise me you’ll be
okay? You have to be, otherwise I don’t know what I’ll do. Promise me?’ Jay
begs, gripping my shoulders with a sudden desperation.

‘I
promise,’ I manage to say. Satisfied, he pulls me into him again and I cry into
his shirt, shaking all over.

There
aren’t words to describe a pain like this, to know what the future holds and
not be able to do anything about it. But I’m learning that it’s important to
live in the moment, and not concentrate on the future or the past. So I’m
holding onto this moment, holding it so tightly it can’t ever leave me. Jay can
never leave me, he never will.

We stay up
on the hill, holding each other tightly as if we are both about to break into
tiny pieces, when I feel Jay start to wobble and decide he has gone enough time
standing.

‘Come on,
we’d better get going. Blake will be wondering where we are,’ I say at last and
with a slight smile, trying not to let the regret show in my voice. Jay agrees
and we somehow get down the steep hill in one piece.

Blake
picks us up as planned and drops me off at my house. Before I get out of the
car though, Jay stops me and grabs my wrist.

‘It’s
going to be okay,’ Jay says, assuring me. I raise an eyebrow.

‘You know
those words are just fairytales,’ I remark. Jay smirks.

‘Only if
you want them to be.’ He says the words lightly, but there’s something very
serious in them. I hold his hand for a moment more before finally letting go, a
sharp pain piercing at my heart, and stand in the front garden as I watch their
car disappear.

A numb
feeling runs through me and I decide to go straight to bed, even though it’s
not even ten yet.

Although
my sleep is a peaceful one, I wake up the next morning with tears staining my
cheeks, silently crying into my pillow and clutching my gold necklace. A hollow
feeling of sadness wakes with me, and my muscles feel dull and unusable.

Because I
know. I know before I hear the phone ring. I know before I hear Charlie’s
footsteps coming mournfully up the stairs. I know.

I don’t
need a phone call to tell me Jay didn’t make it through the night.

I’ve never really understood why people wear black at funerals;
surely it only dampens the mood further? But I understand now, because black is
devoid of all colour, of all life.

As I look around the small church, I notice people tugging down
the hem of their dresses, flattening out the creases of their shirt or
rearranging their wide hats. All of the clothing is black, some silky or others
lace. My own outfit is made up of a nice black dress and flat shoes.

I figured I had to wear a dress really, purely because Jay had
been so surprised that I didn’t own one before.

Why do we care so much about idle things, the colour or style of
our clothing, the type of flowers lying on the coffin or the burial place? Some
would say it’s because they want to show respect, they want what’s best for the
person who isn’t even here to appreciate it. I think it’s because these little
things are stable, we can be sure of the material under our fingers or the
sight before our eyes. And in a time such as death, we need stability to
balance out the confusion and the loss.

Even in the short time he has been here, Jay has touched quite a
lot of people, and so the church is anything but empty. Most people who are
here are people I don’t know, so I keep my head down and stick to Blake’s side.

Noah’s here and she keeps appearing at my side to make sure I’m
okay. Dixie is here too, although the usually bright sparks in her eyes have
dimmed and she talks in whispers. Even Charity is here. We barely share more
than a look, but its one full of understanding, not hatred.

We take our seats and the priest says his words, although I
barely register them. I have been to funerals before; I already know the words.

Charlie sits on one side of me, holding my hand, and Blake sits
on my other side as I lean my head on his shoulder. One by one the Ellsworth
family get up to speak, all except Blake.

I asked him the other day why he wasn’t going to speak and Blake
shook his head and smiled sadly. ‘Jay hates goodbyes,’ is all he replied.

Eventually, I’m called up, and I give both boys beside me one
final squeeze of the hand before making my way up to the tiny podium. Looking
out, I realise speaking like this in front of so many people is daunting, but I
don’t let that affect me.

I didn’t speak at Alex’s funeral, I had stayed at the back in
the shadows, hating myself for doing this to him. But today I am going to
speak. I don’t care if Jay hates goodbyes, he’s getting one.

I grip a piece of lined paper in my hands, the sound of it
rustling throughout the silent church as my hands shake, but I decide I don’t
need my notes in the end. I know what I want to say. I take hold of the wooden
podium to steady myself.

‘A few of you know that I lost another best friend of mine a
long time ago,’ I start, my voice echoing around the space. ‘And that
absolutely tore me apart. I fell into a very dark place, never knowing if I was
going to come out of it again… but then Jay turned up in my greatest hour of
need, like a light flickering on in my world of darkness.’ I smile softly. ‘I
can’t say we hit it off immediately. I slapped him and he almost accidentally
ran me over, but that’s the thing about Jay, he doesn’t give up. And even
though I tried to push him away, he didn’t give up on me.’

I pause and will my eyes not to start tearing up. I can already
hear shakiness in my voice. ‘I’ve met a lot of amazing people in my life, but
Jay was one of a kind. On Christmas day he literally showed me the world. He’s
given me a future and given me friends. He’s even brought me closer to my
family.’ I look over at Charlie and he winks. Then my gaze passes over to Joy
who smiles back. ‘Jay even gave me a new family. I owe him so much, because he
has given me so much.

‘Jay Ellsworth literally came along and turned my world upside
down, shook it and threw my old life out of the window,’ I say, laughing
slightly. ‘And I am so grateful. Jay told me once, that he didn’t just want to
be another face, that he didn’t want be forgotten after he was gone. I can tell
you now that he had nothing to worry about, because his memory will stay with
me for eternity.’

Around me, light seems to seep though the stained glass windows,
lighting up the place and warming me inside. Maybe Jay is here after all. My
gaze travels towards the top of the church and I smile again.

‘Jay, you’ve only been in my life for a short amount of time,
but you’ll stand with me for years to come. You told me that you would never
leave me alone, and I believe you, because I will never leave you either,’ I
manage to choke out, bringing my gaze downwards to the collection of people
again. ‘I won’t go back to the same dark place Jay had to pull me out of.
Instead, I’m going to live everyday for him and keep his memory alive. I won’t
give up on him, because he didn’t give up on me. I love you, Jay. You’ll be in
my heart forever.’

I finish my speech and fall away from the podium, a little part
of me feeling a little lighter. I will keep my promise, I
will
live everyday for him.

As I leave and head back to sit down next to Charlie, though, I
whisper one word under my breath.

‘
Goodbye
.’

17 Months Later

‘I dunno, I’m pretty busy,’ I call down the phone, dragging out
the words as if I really do have things to do all week. ‘But, I may be able to
squeeze you in sometime before I leave. Possibly.’

‘Oh shut it, you. Be round here by ten tomorrow or face my
wrath,’ Blake teases on the other end of the line. ‘I can’t believe you’re only
in town for two weeks though, since when did you have a life?’

I roll my eyes and pull my coat a little closer around me
against the evening chill as I walk through the town of my previous home.

‘London is calling, and I can’t let them down,’ I reply,
excitement running through me.

‘Oh yeah, and why is that again?’ Blake asks innocently, even
though he knows exactly why I’m going to London in two weeks. Not that I mind
repeating myself, it’s the best thing that’s possibly ever happened to me.

‘Well, Blake,’ I start, a huge smile breaking out on my
features. ‘Because I’m so brilliant, my artwork was chosen to win first place
in one of the college’s competitions, and the first prize just happens to be a
spot in one of London’s galleries to exhibit your work!’ I can’t help but
squeal at the end of the sentence. ‘My work is actually going to be exhibited
in a London gallery! I’m thinking of calling the set, Hello World: A Brand New
Me. Too cliché?’ I ask, genuinely looking for an opinion.

‘I think it sounds great,’ Blake assures me. ‘I guess I’m gunna
have to buy a ticket to this thing, huh?’

‘Oh yes,’ I smirk. ‘Don’t act like its such a hardship, you love
it.’

‘Ah, you got me,’ he admits and again, I roll my eyes.

‘Look, I have to be somewhere now but I’ll stop by in half an
hour or so,’ I say, glancing quickly at my watch. It’s already ten but I’ve
just got back from spending the day with Charlie. Nadine’s officially moved in
now and obviously no longer my counsellor.

My new counsellor is everything I’ve ever feared, podgy around
the edges with eagle eyes and thin glasses sat on her pointy nose, but I’m
getting used to her. Plus, my counselling sessions will be coming to an end in
a few weeks as I’m going to uni.

I’m going to be studying illustration at Nottingham Trent, so if
all fails and I become a complete social outcast, I’ll just spend my time
hanging out with Nathan.

It’ll be sad leaving my little apartment in Cambridge, but I’m
excited too.

As for me and Blake, I’m not too sure where we stand. We’re
taking it one day at a time, testing the waters. It’s still slightly weird to
think of us dating after Jay’s death, so we’ve decided to take it slow.

And as for Kai, I have no idea nor do I desire to know what
happened to her. And if I find out it’ll be a lifetime too soon.

I pass through to the opposite side of town and make my way down
the familiar pathways, my red hair bobbing along as I walk. Yes, my hair is
still bright red, and a little longer than before. I think I’ll keep it this
way for a long time, because it’s a part of Jay now as well as Alex, and it
makes me smile whenever I look in a mirror.

Finally, I reach my destination, the familiar gravestone staring
back at me. I haven’t been here in a long time, but it’s almost good to be
back.

Alex Mason
.

The name still causes me pain, but it’s manageable now. I don’t
feel guilty or angry when I see it anymore. I no longer hate myself for what
happened that night. There will always be regret, things I know I could have
done better, but I’m done with the hate.

I don’t visit Jay as much as I’ve ever visited Alex, as odd as
that sounds. His ashes are scattered in a nature park, a beautiful place in
summer, and Blake and me visit together sometimes.

But now I stand by my best friend and try to clear my head, a
piece of paper fluttering around in the silent breeze.

‘Hey,’ I tell the gravestone, rather awkwardly. I haven’t really
been able to talk to Alex like this since his death, I’ve never had the chance
to say goodbye, never let myself speak the words. I’ve been too afraid.

‘I’m sorry for not visiting more often,’ I apologise. ‘I just
want you to know that you haven’t been forgotten, that you could never be
forgotten.’ Tearing up, I glance down at the piece of paper in my hand. ‘I
finally managed to draw you,’ I tell the gravestone with a smile, holding up
the sketch. ‘It’ll never do you complete justice, but I don’t think it’s
completely terrible.’

Silently, I kneel down in front of the stone and place the
drawing on the dry ground, using a few pebbles to stop it flying away in the
wind. Then I stand up straight again and smile, even though a tear is rolling
down my cheek.

‘I guess I couldn’t draw you before because I couldn’t admit
just how much you meant to me, how I felt about you before. I know it sounds stupid,
and you’re probably laughing at me now but I don’t care, because it’s true.
It’s taken me a long time to see it, but I can finally say the words.’ I take a
deep breath and close my eyes. ‘I-I loved you, Alex. I guess I still do, and
that’s why it was so hard to move on. Because I love you, so much, and I think
I always have. And I think… I think you loved me too.’

I never loved Alex like I loved Jay. I love Jay like a brother.
But I’m
in
love with Alex, and I have
been for a long time, I’ve just been too afraid to admit it, too scared of all
the extra pain it would cause. But I’m not scared anymore.

‘One more time,’ I pray under my breath, my eyes squeezed shut.
‘Please, just let me see him one last time.’

At first I think nothing is going to happen, that when I yelled
at Alex to leave me alone when I was in my room he’d left me for good… but then
I feel a sort of presence beside me. I can feel Alex’s warmth, smell his spicy
scent.

I smile.

‘We have to stop meeting like this.’ A familiar voice speaks
into the night and I very slowly open my eyes.

‘Well, I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye, not this time,’
I grin, turning around to see Alex standing behind me. He’s in the same clothes
he’s always in, his blonde hair still in that shaggy style of his.

I look Alex up and down, drinking him in this time, savouring
every part of him. I know this will be the last time I ever see him again.

Absently, my eyes drift up to the side of the head where Kai had
hit him, at the back, just before his ear starts.

‘It didn’t hurt,’ Alex says quietly, watching me watch him. ‘Well,
not really. It was over quickly.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me about you and Kai?’ I sigh, reaching out
to touch the spot before realising what I’m doing and dropping my hand.

Alex smirks.

‘Because then I would have had to explain why I was running
around with some other girl, not being with the one I wanted to be with.
Because I was scared to tell you the truth, so I tried to cover it up instead.
Because I’m a guy.’ Alex tilts his head, his hand twitching with the need to
reach out to me. ‘I really screwed that up, huh?’

I chuckle. ‘Just a bit. I forgive you though, I always will.’

‘That’s good to know,’ Alex grins. Then he takes a step closer,
our noses almost touching. ‘Why didn’t you let me say it before?’

‘Say what?’ I frown.

‘That I love you,’ Alex chuckles. ‘Because I do love you, Neve,
I don’t care what you tell yourself. I love you so damn much.’

‘I love you too,’ I choke out, starting to cry.

I guess sometimes miracles do happen, that sometimes wishes can
come true, because something magnificent happens then. Alex takes another step
forward, and, breaking through the barriers of my imagination, reaches towards
me and brings me into his arms.

I blink in shock as his arms surround me, sheltering me from the
cold outside and encasing me in warmth and love. I close my eyes again and lean
against his chest, his clothes feeling as real as his touch.