Hello World (25 page)

‘So I
followed you both home and when he left for the police station, I kept
following. I’d put little pieces together by then, but I wanted to know the
full story so I rounded on Alex, demanding to know what the hell was going on.
He told me, but didn’t even apologise for leaving me behind. I don’t think it
even registered with him. I shouted at him, told him that he should have told
me first, come to me and not
you
.
Then he told me to go away, to leave him alone.’ Kai breaks off into laughter
again, a dark and twisted sound. ‘He told me to
go away
. And then Alex turned his back on me.’

Kai moves
forward slowly, like a snake about to pounce. ‘He turned his back on me,’ she
repeats, her voice thick and heavy, dark. ‘
No
one
turns their back on me. One minute I find a big rock in my hand, and
the next… well I got out of there.’

‘You…’ I
stutter, the words not seeming to make sense. My mind seems to swirl and
cartwheel as my mind hides behind a foggy mess. Then a very definitive thought
makes way, and everything becomes abundantly clear.
Kai killed Alex. Kai murdered Alex.

My muscles
tense and the ringing in my ears stop, my full attention on the girl in front
of me, her own stance just challenging me to take a step forward. I can feel my
heart pounding faster, the blood rushing in my ears and beating against my
temples like a war drum.

Some may
question how a seemingly ordinary girl can commit such a crime, but I
understand it now. Love and passion can make a person do the most foolish of
things. It can make you take leaps you wouldn’t dream of, it can turn you into
a complete monster and turn you against the very thing you desire the most, it
can even make you stand on a bridge and take your own life.

Love is a
drug, a poison. And in this moment I can feel all of it. The burning passion in
my stomach, the
need
to tear this girl
apart and make her feel my pain, feel Alex’s pain, is too great, wiping away my
morals and conscience.

I
want
to cause her pain.

‘You
killed Alex,’ I screech, my voice mirroring my inner emotions.

Without
thinking, I launch myself in Kai’s direction, but something suddenly holds me
back, firm arms pressing me against a strong chest.

‘Kai
Gelding, you’re under arrest for the murder of Alex Mason,’ DI Nickleson booms,
entering the hall with Noah next to him. Kai is too dumbstruck to resist, and
it’s only when she catches the gleam of silver handcuffs that she seems to
realise just what trouble she’s gotten herself into.

‘No, you
don’t understand- Neve, she- It was an accident!’ Kai shouts, trying to defend
herself to no avail.

I watch in
horror as other policemen appear on the scene, carting Kai away.

I’m not finished with her.

‘Let me
go!’ I yell at the hands, struggling to worm out of their grip. My vision blurs
and reddens at the edges. ‘I can’t let her get away with it!’

‘She
won’t,’ a familiar voice tells me, his mouth pressed against my ear, his grip
never wavering. ‘Neve, it’s me. You need to stop struggling.’

And I do.
The fight suddenly drains out of me and I crumple in Jay’s arms. I find myself
pressed up against his chest and I grip the front of his shirt, crying into it
violently. My legs suddenly fail but Jay keeps me upright, stroking my hair and
whispering things in my ear that I barely hear.

‘It’s okay
now,’ Jay keeps telling me, holding me tightly. ‘Everything’s okay now.’

It’s going to be okay
.

Kai told
me that fairytales were delusions; but that line has to be the most deluded
thing I’ve ever been told.

My parents
died.

It’s going to be okay.

Alex died.

It’s going to be okay.

Jay is
going to die.

It’s going to be okay.

There are
so many things in my life that are not going to be okay, which I guess is why I
have these counselling sessions. It’s a way of people telling me it’s not okay
without actually having to say those words, because those words haunt us.

I look at
Nadine and she looks back. I can see her lips moving but the only sound I can
hear is a low humming. I’ve been like this for a few days now; broken.

I’ve
finally learnt what really happened to Alex; yet I don’t feel as if I’ve gained
anything at all. I should feel happy, ecstatic that after all of this I can
finally say I wasn’t the reason for my best friend’s death, because he was
killed by a crazy teenage girl and not a teacher looking to silence him. But
again, I feel nothing.

In fact, I
feel as though I’ve lost more.

Alex was seeing Kai
.

I’m not
too sure why that little detail, out of everything, bothers me so much. Perhaps
it’s the idea of him feeling the need to keep stuff from me, even after
everything we’ve been through. I keep trying to tell myself that Kai was lying,
that there was nothing, but I’m not sure of anything anymore.

Strangely,
the person who has kept my head above water this whole week is Blake. I don’t
know why I find that strange either, I guess I figure he should be with his
brother and not me, yet he doesn’t leave me alone if he can help it. We spend a
lot of time together, the three of us. More time than before.

Although
Jay’s presence alone is comforting, Blake is something more, and says the
things that Jay can’t. It’s as if Blake understands me more than Jay does,
which is something I never expected to say.

But a part
of me wonders if the reason Blake and I are getting closer, understanding each
other more is because Jay is slowly slipping further away. I don’t know what
will happen when he does slip from our group, I don’t dare think about it.

‘Neve.’

The call
of my name snaps me out of my thoughts and I find Nadine looking impatiently at
me, suggesting this isn’t the first time she has called my name.

‘Sorry?’ I
ask in a dazed voice. Nadine sighs.

‘I was
saying that, given the circumstances, I’m transferring you onto someone with
more experience, a better eye for understanding what is better for you-’

‘I don’t
want another counsellor,’ I interrupt, standing up angrily, my daze completely
and utterly burst. ‘What I
want
is to
get out of here and to see Jay. What I want is for Jay to get better.
Counselling isn’t going to help with any of that,’ I snap, walking towards the
door. I’ve had enough of this.

I grab my
bag from the chair and yank on the doorknob.

‘Jay wouldn’t
want you making yourself worse,’ Nadine argues, throwing down her notes and
standing up to follow me. I round on her angrily.

‘Don’t you
dare tell me what Jay does or doesn’t want. You don’t know him,’ I shout,
gaining the attention of some of the other workers around the office outside.

‘You look
me in the eye and you tell me Jay wants this, to see you losing control again,’
Nadine says. Her words throw me off; she hasn’t been so blunt with me before.

I make a
noise of frustration and continue in my storming out. When I’m halfway down the
corridor however, Nadine’s voice brings me to a halt.

‘Don’t do
this again.’

I stop in
confusion and slowly turn on my heel. Nadine slows her pace and walks closer to
me calmly, ignoring her co-workers.

‘Don’t walk
out again. You realise, that since meeting Jay, you haven’t walked out of any
of these sessions,’ she says softly. That’s a small lie; the very first time,
the night after the one on the bridge, I had walked out. ‘You’ve been doing so
much better, taking control of your life, making things happen. But most
importantly, you’ve been happier,’ Nadine continues. ‘Please don’t throw that
away by walking out now.’

My mouth
falls and closes like a fish as I take in her expression. Can that really be
true, that I’ve been doing that much better? That I haven’t walked out since
really meeting Jay?

I drop my
bag on the floor, feeling suddenly weak.

‘I don’t
want
another
counsellor,’ I say
quietly. Nadine gives me a small smile.

‘Okay,’
she says softly, nodding. ‘Okay.’

What’s
left of January slowly folds into February, and even then it passes with such a
blur that I can almost taste March in the air. My exams have finished, for now,
coursework has been handed in and my interview for college has been and gone.

Currently,
I sit in our kitchen at the tiny table, my hands clasped under my chin, various
leaflets scattered around me on the wooden table.

Charlie
enters with his bag slung over one shoulder, whistling to himself after working
all day, only noticing me and doing a double start when he turns around in
search of teabags.

‘Woah,
someone hasn’t had any coffee all day,’ Charlie comments, looking me up and
down before flicking the coffee machine on. I can’t imagine I look that great,
I’ve been exhausted for the past few days. Jay’s getting worse.

‘I got
into college,’ I say at last, a small smile tugging at my lips. Charlie’s eyes
brighten and he breaks into a huge smile.

‘That’s
brilliant!’ he beams, sliding into the chair opposite. Then he notices my expression
and finally looks down at the leaflets for apartments I’ve been staring at.

‘Charlie,
I want to move out,’ I say evenly. Charlie goes to make some sort of protest
but I put up a hand to silence him. ‘Just hear me out. I’m not saying right
now, but I want to move out in time for summer when my college course starts.
If I was going to uni this year I’d be moving out anyway, right? So this isn’t
really that different,’ I reason. ‘I can’t stay here, Charlie, not after
everything that’s happened.’

‘I… don’t
want you to leave,’ Charlie frowns, lost for words. I smile.

‘Neither
do I, I love living with you,’ I assure him. ‘But this place is going to drive
me crazy. I need a new slate, somewhere away from my old life.’

‘How are
you going to afford it?’ Charlie argues, leaning back in his chair. ‘Cambridge
is one of the most expensive places around.’

‘I’ll get
a job, I’ll only be at college three days a week so if I work my butt off I can
make it all work,’ I reply, going over the plan I have already come up with. I
twiddle my thumbs, unsure about the next one. ‘Plus… I’m eighteen soon, so I’ll
get my inheritance come through-’

‘Your
inheritance was not there to be spent on living space… well, not yet anyway,’
Charlie grumbles, now folding his arms, not able to keep still.

‘My
inheritance is there to give me what my parents can’t,’ I point out, ‘otherwise
I’d be asking them for the money. And don’t even think about giving me money
for this because you don’t have enough of it yourself,’ I warn, my eyebrow raised.
Then I sigh. ‘Plus, I was thinking about my old house. It belongs to you,
right?’

Charlie
lifts his head with intrigue. ‘Your father left it to me, yes. Mum wouldn’t let
me touch it, not that I could bring myself to do so anyway. But in my opinion,
it’s yours.’

I smile
sadly. ‘I think it’s time you sold it, or moved into it. Keep the stuff that we
want, like Mum’s paintings and such and sell the rest.’

Again,
Charlie moves to protest but I cut him off.

‘We’ve
been living in the past for too long,’ I say softly, looking down and tracing
patterns in the wood. ‘It’s time to start living, really living. I have to let
go of the things I can’t have. It’s time to say goodbye to Mum and Dad, Alex…’
my words begin to choke. ‘And even Jay when it’s come to it, otherwise I won’t
be able to go on. I can’t go to college, I can’t bring myself to have a future
when I can’t see past the past. And this applies to you too, you’re thirty and
live with a crabby teenager you had dumped on you, that’s not a life Charlie, but
maybe what you can have now will be.’ I add in a rush. Then I take a deep
breath and smile. ‘Besides, if things don’t start getting serious with Nadine
soon, it’ll never happen.’

Charlie
looks at me for a long moment, not speaking, just staring, his thoughts working
like cogs behind his eyes. Eventually he sighs.

‘I’m only
thirty at home,’ he reminds me with a small smile of his own. ‘When did you
grow up so much?’ Charlie sighs, leaning on the table now. He pauses again. ‘I
want you to know that I’m proud of you, Neve, really proud. I know your parents
would be too. So if this is really what you want, then we’ll work something
out. Just don’t give up on me, okay? Don’t cut me out. This is still and always
will be your home, understood?’

I swallow
a lump in my throat before moving around to the other side of the table and
encasing Charlie in a hug, tears pricking at my eyes.

‘Understood,’
I say, my voice shaky. ‘Thank you, Charlie. I love you like my Dad, that’s all
you’ve ever been to me. I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve caused you.’

Charlie
laughs, hugging me back tightly.

‘Kiddo,
you’ve certainly made life interesting,’ he smirks, running a hand through his
curls. The doorbell goes then and I bid Charlie goodbye. He gives me a
questioning look.

‘Blake’s
picking me up. Jay and I are going out for a walk but Blake wants to drive us
there first since Jay can’t anymore. I’ll be back before ten,’ I call, grabbing
my bag and slipping out of the front door where Blake is waiting for me.

‘Everything
okay?’ Blake asks as soon as I’m out of the door, noticing my red eyes.

‘I just
told Charlie I’m moving out,’ I say, surprised that he has actually agreed.
It’s an odd feeling, knowing that my life here will be coming to an end soon,
that I’ll be moving into the bigger world.

‘How’d he
take it?’ Blake asks, wrapping an arm around my waist absently as we go down
the path.

‘Better
than I thought he would,’ I decide, leaning against his chest. ‘How is he?’

Blake
frowns. ‘Not great. I told him he should call this off and spend the night in,
but you know how stubborn Jay is,’ he smirks. Then Blake falls serious again.
‘If anything happens, I’ll just be around the block.’

I nod, the
implication of Blake’s words, causing shivers to run down my spine. I get into
the car, my face lighting up at the sight of Jay laying back lazily in the car
like he owns the place, and Blake drives us to mine and Alex’s hill.

Jay has
lost most of his ability to walk by now, his muscles wearing too thin for it
not to cause him pain when he moves, so he uses a wheelchair.

Blake
volunteers to help us push Jay up the hill, but I decline. I just want tonight
to be Jay and me, I’m not sure why.

This does
however lead to a chorus of ‘look who got fat,’ and ‘push faster, you weasel.’
After taking far longer than it should have, we finally reach the top of the
hill and I collapse on the ground as Jay laughs his head off at my puffing.

‘Did you
bring it?’ Jay finally smirks after recovering from laughter. I pull myself up
and dig around in my bag, now holding my diary in one hand and a lighter in the
other.

‘Ready?’ I
ask, grinning.

‘Burn it,’
Jay chimes, winking. Without needing to be told twice, I set fire to the corner
of the book, orange flames beginning to lick at the pages of my old life.
Everything Kai has ever said to me is burning away.

It’s a
beautiful moment until the flames get dangerously close to my fingers and I
start to panic. I haven’t thought past setting the thing on fire.

‘What do I
do?’ I shriek, waving it around hysterically.

‘Step on
it!’ Jay laughs, smirking his arse off. I drop the book and quickly stamp on it
to avoid setting fire to the entire hill. Then I pick up the charred remains,
pull my arm back and launch them towards the heavens. We both cheer and I
wander over to Jay, happiness all over my face.

Jay still
looks like Jay, just a little thinner around the edges. If you didn’t know, I
doubt you would really realise, unless that’s just me being optimistic.

A moment
of content silence passes over us before Jay taps at his wheelchair and holds
out a hand.

‘Help me
up?’ he asks, sounding as casual as possible. I frown.

‘I don’t
think that’s good idea. Blake said-’

‘Oh, screw
Blake,’ Jay sighs irritably. ‘If I promise not to collapse in the next ten
minutes, will you help me up?’ he asks dryly. I roll my eyes.