Heavenly Lover (18 page)

He loved the idea and creativity this love affair was driving him to. Who would have thought the look of a long black evening glove could drive him so wild? He wanted to try other props. Why hadn’t he thought to bring home a black silk scarf? He would kiss her through the material. Although he couldn’t see her, he could pleasure her in ways her angel heart wouldn’t be able to resist. Of this he was certain. He would rub a long pink rose the length of her body. Something to do tomorrow night. He had a lot of things to do tomorrow to get ready.

In the back of his mind, he wondered if the intensity of the dream would awaken him again.

Or, if she didn’t look directly in his eyes, would she allow him to see her? That was the hardest vision to get out of his head. Just what did her naked body look like? What would be the texture and the exact whiteness of her skin? Where was it softer? Where did she want him to touch her? To kiss her? How would it taste? Would she be able to taste him? He wondered if she could touch him without blushing. If she did, maybe it would look like how it did in his dreams. He tried to imagine how he would feel when she talked to him in bed. What would her breath feel like on his face? What would that mouth taste like?

His biggest question of all was: would he be as important to her as she was to him? Only one thing was certain, he was going to try it all, to work to become the perfection for her that she was to him.

But where is she?

He put on a white flannel shirt and a pair of loose khakis, slid on his sandals and ran downstairs.
Perhaps she went shopping.
Maybe she resisted her natural angel goodness and went to a lingerie store, or maybe she was going to surprise him with an evening only she could come up with.

Yes, that was it. She was out planning something special.
His heart raced with anticipation. Something wonderful was going to happen tonight.

He sat by the fire and waited. From time to time he would look around, try to catch some non-natural thing, a clear indication that she was here. But when nothing happened after an hour of waiting, he grew concerned. He knew she liked to surprise him, but this was a little too long.

He poured himself a glass of wine. He was certain she would come. He finished it standing there, poured another glass and returned to the fire.
Have I missed an important signal? A clue?
Had he miscalculated her desire to be with him? Or, had something happened to her? Could there have been some kind of accident?

Or could Claire have been summoned home?

This new thought left a hollow coldness at the pit of his stomach. Now that he had found her, how could he lose her?

The wine on an empty stomach made him sleepy. He closed his eyes.

There she was! She was sitting in her pretty eyelet dress on a soft quilt in the green rainforest she often took him to. She smiled as she let him come to her. Claire could be so exuberant, so full of life, so full of love, and he could see in her eyes she was happy to see him, yet she didn’t run to jump into his arms as he’d expected. He ran to her and buried his head in her lap. Her sweet scent filled his nose. She wore a white shawl and placed it under her right hand as she rubbed his hair and bent to kiss him through it.

“You smell nice, Daniel. You washed your hair for me.”

He wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed the bodice of the eyelet “uniform.” He twirled the pearl buttons with his tongue. He tried to touch her under the flap at the button, but there was nothing there to touch. He could smell her, but could not feel her skin.

“We have to talk, Daniel.” Her smile was one of the sweetest he had ever seen.

“Could we just do this a little more first? I have thought about nothing else all day.” Could she hear the urgency in his voice? God how he needed to be in her presence.

She was shaking a little, and it stunned him, so he sat up. He could see she was softly crying.

“What is this, love?” With tenderness, he brought his hand up to wipe away the tears, but then held back, tilting his head to the side.
What had gone wrong?

Claire lowered her eyes to look at her hands wringing in her lap. After a long silence, she began her painful message, practiced over and over to the mirror. Here, in front of him, in one of her favorite places in the whole world, the word would be much more difficult to speak.

“Daniel, I have to go home soon. Forever.” She barely could steal a glance at him.

The shock and horror in his face was more than she could bear, and her heart wished she could reach out and take it all back. He shook his head from side to side.

“No.”

“I have no choice; or, rather, the choice was made for me by Father. I spoke to him today.” Daniel was still shaking his head. With hesitation, she added, “Daniel, I agree with Father. This has to be done before things go too far.”

“No.”

“It has to be. It is the way it’s supposed to be.”

Daniel stood up, hands balled into fists, the neck muscles extended, tense. “Why not just leave me a note on my refrigerator. ‘Sorry, Hon, gotta go. It was fun.’ Something like that. You so quick to get rid of me?”

“No, no it’s not like that.”

“Everything I love goes away. Everything I care about leaves me.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“Yes, you are. You just said it.”

“I’m not leaving yet. Soon. I have one week, and then I must return.”

“But why? Because I saw you in person?”

“Partly. I’m afraid the longer I stay the more difficult it will be to leave. And eventually I have to leave. You know this. It was going to come to this eventually.”

Claire understood now what it felt like to stare down into that chasm and seek the lifeless form laying there at the bottom.

“Are you in trouble?”

“Not really. I have violated many important rules, but that isn’t anything new. The big problem is that I was supposed to bring you back to your life, and instead, I’ve lured you to a dream state. That’s where you want to live now. That isn’t what I was supposed to do. Instead of saving you, I have condemned you.”

“What body part,” he said as he tugged at his shirt, his pants, his hair, “what part of me is complaining?”

“You can’t have me. I’ve made you want something you never can have.”

“Can’t have?” He turned to her, animated again. “Can’t have? I’ve had you. I’ve had you in my heart, my dreams. I’ve had you just today in about ten different positions.” He leaned over and took the shawl from her shoulders. “In my world, this was black and see-through. The things I imagined doing to you tonight …”

Claire closed her eyes and smiled. Yes, she had to admit, she had some pretty vivid daydreams too.

“Can you see it, Claire? Can you see how I’ve had you, how I want you still?”

She nodded.

He dropped to his knees. “Dear Angel, love of my life, my soul, make this decision go away. Bring your magic here tonight and change my destiny.”

How she wanted to bring her hands to his face and touch him there. “I have powers and strength, but this I cannot do,” she said with sadness. “You have to go on in your world, and I in mine. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.” She looked to his eyes to see if he believed her.

Daniel’s shoulders dropped and he deposited the shawl back in her lap with resignation. Her heart was breaking for the disappointment he must have felt.

“Please, Daniel, see this as an act of love and not one of abandonment. I swear to you, if I could change it, I would make it so.”

“You can’t make me stop loving you.” He pointed to Heaven. “He can’t make me stop loving you.”

“Nor do I want you to. My love for you will go on forever and ever, Daniel. Long after you are gone—” She broke it off as she was beginning to cry.

“You come to me, and you give me reason to live, and then you …” He looked at her with tears in his eyes.

“See, that’s the mistake I made. I made the mistake. I supplanted your life with myself. I was supposed to give you your life back, and instead I claimed it.”

He nodded.

“It’s important that you go on living; if not for yourself, do it for me. Know that I love you more than anything. Know that I want you to fall in love and live your life—raise a family—I’ve seen all these things in my mind. These are good things. Life is worth taking. We can’t spend our forever wishing it was different.”

She stood, and Daniel followed her lead. “I have a little surprise for you. Not what you expected, but something I can do.” Claire put the shawl over her face. “Kiss me, Daniel.”

Daniel drew Claire by the waist to his body. He could feel the cheeks of her buttocks as his hands moved down lower. She was leaning into him, as if needing balance. He felt her shoulders and then, using the shawl, drew his hands under her chin and spread them at the sides of her face to bring her to him. Through the shawl he kissed her lips. They had parted for him. They were hungry for him. Even through the thickness of the fabric he could feel the electricity enveloping him and encasing his soul. He knew her spirit was no longer her own. It lay within the confines of his body, and he would not let it go ever again. Somehow he had to keep it forever.

Chapter 23

Claire loved it when she didn’t need transport. Dream states allowed her to take her charges anywhere, and at any time of year. She directed Daniel so that they were riding in his little convertible on an early summer day. It was a pleasant break, and she hoped it would bring relief to his soul, and perhaps to hers as well.

A lot of her work came in the winter months when the weather was often wet and cold. Therefore, Claire usually conducted her dream states in the warmer months, depending on the human, because summer had more light and longer days. She found it easier to lighten their spirits in the sun, with the angelic light of God’s grace having as much an effect on humans as it did the angel population.

Daniel had allowed her full access to his dream state, giving up all autonomy. Claire was driving all the images. She was hoping he would participate, but as of now, he seemed a somewhat willing passenger, a little morose, but willing to be in her presence. But she had a plan to change all that.

She had on a floppy white straw hat with large yellow bow sewn into it that she tied underneath her chin. There were bright felt flowers attached with buttons for centers all along the brim line on her left. Daniel at first looked at it and shook his head with a chuckle. He focused back on the road, but left the smile in place.

Claire turned to him, sensing a reaction of some kind and, behind large dark glasses asked, “What?”

“Do you put flowers on everything?”

“Just about. When it’s appropriate.”

“You think that’s appropriate?” he queried.

“People who love flowers are special.” She loved how his shiny black hair blew in the wind.

“You are that,” he nodded with a small laugh. “Where are we going?”

“Just up the way a bit. We’re close now. Turn at the next flashing yellow light.”

They had driven through lush green hills covered with vineyards, olive trees, and bordered by hedge roses. In this dreamstate, the fruited vines had not changed color yet. She preferred the look of them to the bare brown stakes and dark “claws” that came out of the ground when the vines were pruned back. They had passed wine tasting rooms and country stores that sold everything from metal chicken wire sculpture to milk paint. If he got hungry, Claire could take him to a couple of great Italian bistros. Or they could go wine tasting. This being a weekday, there wouldn’t be the tourists flocking to the cool rooms, hanging on every word from their tour guide.

Claire remembered Daniel’s dreams about Audray and the vineyard. A little electric thrill trickled down her spine like a spider’s web. She wondered if he had taken Audray to any of the bucolic bed and breakfasts they saw, the parking lots filled with BMWs and Mercedes. It seemed like it would be fun.
If I were human.

She supposed that if there was such a place on earth, this could be Heaven.

They came to a four-corner caution crossing, slowed down, and turned right. They traveled out of the town to a more rural area where the hills were brown and unplanted. The houses started to stretch apart. There were more fence posts and golden straw-colored rolling hills and mailboxes. A green and white sign with a picture of an airplane on it stood by a big bay tree.

“Turn there.”

The road was lined with eucalyptus trees for a few yards, and then the pavement ended and it turned to gravel, snaking around the hills with very few trees. They were going into what looked like a large warm, golden valley.

There was a temporary trailer behind a small gravel parking lot with a few small cars. Daniel parked where Claire pointed, next to a dusty Jeep with its top down.

“You can wait here while I make the arrangements.”

“Claire, this is a dream—” he started to protest.

“Believe me, I know,” she said slipping off her dark glasses and folding them at her collar line.

“Wait.” He pointed to her flowered hat and nodded. “They might take you more seriously—”

“It won’t make a bit of difference. You’ll see.” With that she marched up the ramp to the glass sliding glass door of the temporary building, giving him a feigned scared expression. Then she walked through the glass door without opening it first.

In a few minutes, she came out with a fistful of paperwork. “We’re going skydiving, Daniel. See, I forged your signature. And you weigh 190, right?” She showed him the paperwork. “I’m making this as real as I can.”

Daniel’s face was filled with dread.

Claire didn’t pay any attention to this. “This is perfectly safe. I am testing your faith. Listen very carefully because I don’t want this to be a bad dream, okay?”

She took him over to a platform area and motioned to him to lie down on his stomach next to her.

“Spread your arms and legs and arch up a bit.” She demonstrated it. He followed along.

“Now make sure you are making a big ‘W’ with your arms, like this.” She showed him how to place her arms at her sides, bending the elbows. She could see Daniel was working hard not to look too terrified.

“One other important thing. Keep your mouth closed when we are falling. It will be way better for me.”

“Falling?” he gasped.

“Excuse me, Daniel. Flying.” Claire laughed.

A small plane appeared in the dirt runway. It was missing a side door. The equipment appeared magically on his back; Claire examined and pulled tight the straps going between his legs and over his shoulders. They stepped into the plane, sat down on a cold bench, and strapped in, they sat side by side. Instantly they were airborne.

The plane was so noisy it was nearly impossible to hear herself speak. She doubted Daniel could either. His hand was squeezed into a fist around the strap that hung from the ceiling. His other hand clutched the edge of the metal bench so tight his knuckles were white. Through the opened door, they watched the ground get smaller and smaller, and more distant. The farms and cars and roads became so small they looked like houses in a Monopoly game.

“You trust me?” she yelled over the drone of the engine and the wind coming from the open doorway. She had removed her hat. She could feel the short golden wisps of hair flying out in every direction. She smiled at the sight of him, completely helpless in her hands.

“Do I have a choice?”

She shook her head from side to side. “That’s the purpose of this. It’s a leap of faith.” She matched the smile he was trying to make. He gave up and just shook his head as well. She handed him a helmet and donned one herself.

The plane circled around in a large spiral. The ground below was a hazy brown with a few splotches of color here and there, but individual buildings were now hard to see. In the distance was a row of purple mountains. A light went on in the cabin and Claire motioned with a thumbs up. She unbuckled both of them and they shuffled, hunched over, towards the door. Claire walked behind Daniel and snapped a couple of buckles in place, connecting them. She adjusted his straps again, reaching between his legs and around his shoulders. As one crablike unit, they moved right to the edge of the doorway, the wind blasting their faces. He looked down, seemed to fall back a little. She stood behind his body and pressed against him to keep him upright.

“Remember to arch, remember the W, and remember to keep your mouth closed,” she said. He nodded.

“When do we jump—” He had started to say, but then they were falling from the doorway into the cool air.

The ground was so far away Daniel had more of a sensation of floating on a large upward burst of air than of falling. He felt like his head was sticking out of the top of a convertible going 100 MPH. The air was cold. The rush of the wind deafened him. The dark blue sky hovered above, and as they fell through a wispy cloud, he could see the horizon very slowly changing, coming to greet him. He corrected his arch, made sure his arms were out to his sides, and closed his mouth. For what seemed like minutes they fell, then Claire said loudly in his ear, “Hold on.”

Daniel was thinking, “To
what
?” when the jerk of the parachute came. All of a sudden it got very quiet. The fall was gentle now. The bright yellow sail flowered and fanned out into the air.

“You okay?” she asked.

“This is amazing,” he answered. He felt suspended in thin air, without the sensation of falling at all.

“That’s San Francisco over those purple hills.” She pointed, and then said, “See the ocean?”

Daniel’s heart soared. He had never experienced anything like this in his life. He felt the air warm ever so slightly the farther they fell. Claire leaned, and they made some sweeping turns and dips, circling up and dropping down, like on a roller coaster without tracks. He felt her small warm body above him, strapped so tight she couldn’t get away. He liked the feeling.

“I love this,” was all he could say. At last he began to see little houses and some ribbons of roads. He saw the trailer and the airstrip that looked about an inch long.

“You wanted to know how it felt to fly. Well, this is the closest thing I can think of.”

“It’s—it’s amazing.” His heart was overwhelmed. He could feel tears collecting in the sides of his eyes, and then disappearing in the sunlight as they fell farther.

He had the sensation of the ground coming up to greet him in little degrees, and the air continued to warm as this happened. He began to smell the earth, the dust in the air. The vineyards in the distance looked like rows of green tight-looped commercial carpet. They floated and drifted lazily for nearly a half hour.

At last, there was the sensation of real falling as Earth came up to greet them.

“Put your feet out front but don’t lock your knees. Let me touch first, then you can stand.”

His feet shot out in front of him. The ground came up quickly and touched the soles of his shoes so that he merely walked forward as Claire pushed him. She unhooked them.

They faced each other and removed their helmets, letting them crash at their feet. His heart was filled to bursting. The look of Claire’s smiling face thrilled him. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on. He trusted her with his life. He wanted to spend the rest of his life feeling this good, this happy. He’d been taken on a journey he never wanted to end.

Claire looked at Daniel’s skin, which was blotchy red-pink. His hair stuck out all over the place. He looked utterly ridiculous. She couldn’t help but smile. His eyes fixed on her lips. She knew he wanted to kiss her. It would have been a perfect kiss. She knew it as sure as the fact that there wouldn’t be anything there if he tried.

He tousled his scalp with his hands, releasing some of the straw that had gotten entwined there. He let out a couple of shouts. Claire laughed at him. She danced a little jig, her flowered clogs kicking up dust.

“Isn’t that the
best
?” she giggled. “I love it more each time.”

He extended his arms wide and she jumped into them, wrapped her legs around his waist and they fell to the ground. Claire was on top, straddling him. He rubbed the back of her waist over her top, then lower, his hands caressing her bottom cheeks in tender, fluid motions. Claire felt the place between her legs lurch and ache for him. She instinctively rose up and pressed her mound to him just enough so his eyes grew wide. She surprised herself as well.

She was getting used to feeling the excitement when she was around him, especially when her body was pressed against his. She didn’t want it to end. They looked into each other’s eyes.

“Thank you,” he said.

“My pleasure.”

“Claire—”

“Sh, Daniel. It makes me feel wonderful that you enjoy this. Life is made to be enjoyed.”

“With you.” He rocked her hips so that under her clothes she ground against his hardness.

“No, you know that’s not possible.” She eluded his attempt at kissing her. He was only going to feel air. She released herself and started stripping off the equipment. She was doing it efficiently, trying to concentrate on the routine, but inside her heart was racing. It had flushed her face.

“How does all this work?”

“These are not clothes I brought with me. They are clothes of your world I brought into your dream. That’s why you can feel them. Your body doesn’t know the difference between a dream and the real thing, and I took some license with the dream. You are feeling the clothes and the straps, not me. You cannot touch or feel me, really, but you can feel the clothes in the dream.”

“But this felt real.”

“It was a dream. Dreams feel real, especially the dreams I’m directing for you now. You will remember the dreams I help you with, always, unlike your own, which will be fragments of thoughts and scenes. And don’t ask me because I do not know why or how.” She smiled. “That’s what’s so great about it. You get to experience it, but it never really happened.”

Daniel spent the rest of the dream driving alongside the ocean, the wind and sun on their faces and in their hair. At one point they stopped and walked along a white stretch of deserted beach. Daniel brought her a hot chocolate, which Claire held between her hands as she inhaled the scent, and they watched the sunset, sitting next to each other on the beach. The sunset was especially orange and the wind particularly warm and soft. The mist from the ocean washed his spirits clean. As they watched the sun set in the horizon, Daniel wondered how much of this was his doing and how much was hers.

And then he figured it didn’t really matter. He enjoyed it, not needing to know.

“This has been a perfect day,” he said, finally. He lay back in the sand and closed his eyes. Claire wrapped herself around him and snuggled against his chest. He could feel her shoulder through the fleece top, and after tracing the line of her collar down to where the zipper part was, he pushed his two fingers inside to the warmth, but there was no skin to feel. He resigned himself to that fact, sighed.

Someday. There has to be a way. What kind of a God would bring me this angel and then not let me touch her, taste her?