Healing Your Emotional Self (26 page)

Focus on Establishing an Inner Life

Most children of narcissists have not established an inner life. You can do this by discovering your feelings, thoughts, and dreams. Instead of allowing the television or Internet to absorb your attention and dis- tract you from yourself, go for a solitary walk. Write in your journal. Read a novel or a self-help book. Learn to meditate. Creating a strong

inner life will help you separate from your narcissistic parent and dis- cover your true self.

Seek Outside Help

Your efforts to heal your wounds and to become a separate self from your narcissistic parent may be limited by self-protective and counter- productive defenses of which you may be unaware. A professional psy- chotherapist can help you identify these defenses and work past them. Unfortunately, if you had a narcissistic parent is it likely that you will have some strong narcissistic tendencies yourself. Because of this, your inner world may be quite empty. Your true self may be dysfunc- tional, and you may have created a tyrannical and delusional false self in its stead. You may find it difficult to love others, because you can’t love yourself. Instead you love your reflection, your surrogate self.

Mirror work can help you to confront this false self and to replace it with a real self:

• Look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Who am I?”
  

• Look deep into your eyes to find the real person there.
  

It can be uncomfortable or even painful to look into your eyes so deeply and face what you see there. You may see pain, fear, or rage. I will never forget the first time I looked deep in my mirror. I awoke in the middle of the night and needed to go to the bathroom. Afterward I felt compelled to look deep into my eyes. I was horrified with what I saw. I barely recognized myself. Instead I saw someone who was filled with rage and malice. Fortunately, I was working with a Jungian psychologist at the time and had begun to own my dark side or shadow, so I knew that what I was looking at was all my repressed rage at my mother.

You may not like what or who you see at first. Like me, you may become overwhelmed by the rage you find hiding in your eyes. But once you find that rage, you can begin to release it in constructive ways. Once the rage has subsided you can look even deeper to find your true self and your true essence.

You may also find that you have difficulty living in the present. Instead, life is a constant struggle, a striving, a drive for something. You may tend to take your behavioral, emotional, and cognitive cues exclusively from others.

As can be expected, we learned many of our narcissistic parents’ habits. We develop narcissistic defenses and patterns of perception that make us behave insensitively toward others. Like prisoners of war, we take on the stance of our captors in order to deny our vulnerabil- ity. We identify with our aggressors. We acquired the parental traits that caused us most pain.

Relationships with others will likely be very difficult for you. You may find that you feel smothered in intimate relationships and at the same time have a tremendous fear of abandonment. Children of nar- cissists can be as critical and perfectionistic as their parents. You may be intolerant of the mistakes of others and may have a cynical outlook on life, and this may make it difficult for you to get along with others. At the same time, you may be hypersensitive to comments others make and may assume that others are against you, even when they are not. Your years of being corrected or ignored by your narcissistic parents may cause you to believe that others are treating you in the same way. A professional psychotherapist who has been trained to work with children of narcissistic parents and with people who have narcissistic tendencies can help you overcome your similarities to your parent and create a self that is sensitive to the feelings of others. If you have acquired some narcissistic tendencies, treatment will be difficult because it will require you to admit your human failings and to recog- nize your need for other people. It will also mean once more experi- encing the feelings of being a helpless and manipulated child. This can be extremely painful, but the rewards are certainly worth it. You will also need to recognize the emptiness of life compulsively controlled by the need for admiration and achievement. As Golumb wrote, “The outcome of her struggle to uncover an authentic self will be the abil- ity to lead an ordinary life, one with real joys and sorrows, not the fic-

titious pleasures of a mirrored image.”

I am pleased to tell you that with the help of both individual and group therapy, creativity, journaling, traveling, meeting in support cir- cles, the Solutions Program, and my conscious efforts to find my true

self, I have made great headway in separating myself from my narcis- sistic mother. I have worked long and hard on my own tendency to be critical and perfectionistic and I no longer define my life by my accomplishments. By following the suggestions outlined here and with the aid of a good therapist, I am convinced that the same can be true for you.

Healing my narcissistic wounds has been the most difficult aspect of my personal recovery—even more difficult than healing from the childhood sexual abuse I experienced. While writing this book I dreamed about my struggle. I was being confronted by three friends from my past with the fact that I, too, had problems (I think this was in reference to the fact that I continue to see clients). I admitted to them that, yes, I did have a problem—that I had difficulty trusting anyone. I confronted each friend with evidence as to why I shouldn’t trust anyone by citing how each friend had betrayed me. The next scene in the dream involved the three people looking down at me. I had had all my skin removed and I was lying on a bed literally stripped bare. I believe this was symbolic of showing that I was willing to cre- ate a new start in life—that I was willing to let go of my belief that I could not trust anyone. A banquet hall was set up and I was led in with soft towels on my back. There were three separate tables set up. I was going to sit down with each of the three people separately and mend our relationship.

My difficulty trusting others was just one of the many problems I’ve experienced due to being raised by a narcissistic mother. But with continued work on myself I am experiencing healing with every pass- ing day. I am convinced that you can, too.

16

Continuing to Heal

A
S YOU HAVE DISCOVERED
from reading this book, you do not have to remain trapped by reflections from the past. You have the power to raise your self-esteem, improve your self-image, quiet the nagging critic within, and heal your shame. Low self-esteem is not proof of your value but rather a reflection of the way you were treated as a child and the judgments and unreasonable expectations placed on you.

You cannot afford to ignore the negative attitudes and beliefs you have toward yourself. These attitudes and beliefs were learned, and they can be unlearned. By remembering to bring up a nurturing inner voice to comfort and encourage yourself, you can continue to counter the negative inner critic. By using a self-cherishing tone with yourself, you can provide the nourishment and power you need to change.

In order to continue to feel better about yourself, surround your- self with people who like you and treat you with respect. Allow your- self to experience and take in the feeling of being enjoyed. Get involved in activities that provide you with a feeling of competence and achievement.

Although being around others who accept and enjoy you and having experiences with success will be important in your personal growth, it is crucial that you do not allow others’ mirrors to totally influence your image of yourself. Remember, every person will see you to some extent through his or her own personal filters and needs.

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It is vital that you remember that any one person’s view of you is only
one
of the many reflections coming your way. Because the mirrors of other people may contain some distortions, as did your parents’ mir- rors, these other views of you may not always be accurate.

It is also important that you continue to learn to love and value yourself just because you exist. This appreciation comes when you view yourself as special and precious—even though you may not approve of everything you do. It requires sensing your uniqueness and finding it dear. In spite of your flaws and foibles, remain open to the wonder of you.

Start by asking yourself, “How much do I value myself?” Appreciate the fact that there is no other person on earth who is quite like you.

Writing Exercise: Your Special Qualities

1. To help you more in this healing, make a list of your special qualities as a person—those things that make you distinctly you. No matter how difficult it may still be to make this list, the truth is you do have certain capacities and sensitivities that are uniquely yours. You do have special strengths that in some way differ from the strengths of others.
   

2. If you have trouble writing this list, ask a close friend to see if you can work together to make a list of your special qualities.
   

3. Place your list of positive attributes and special qualities on your bathroom or bedroom mirror so that you can remind yourself every day of what a wonderful person you really are. Read the list out loud on those days when you are most critical of yourself or when you doubt your specialness.
   

If you are like most people, you have spent years focusing on the qualities you don’t possess. Now, reverse your focus and concentrate on the positive qualities you do possess. Stop taking yourself for granted and begin to acknowledge all the hard work you have done to get this far. Give yourself credit for surviving your childhood, for con- tinuing to work on yourself, for reading this book.

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HEALING YOUR EMOTIONAL SELF

Remember to treat yourself with respect. Quietly, yet firmly, ask others to show respect for your needs. Continue to catch yourself in the act when you begin to criticize yourself. Continue to respect your body’s physical and emotional needs and actively work on meeting them. Carve out blocks of time for doing things that make you feel good about yourself and spend time with others who enjoy you. Reward yourself from time to time for doing a good job of taking care of yourself.

I hope that by reading this book and completing the exercises and assignments you have already begun to notice some small differ- ences in how you feel about yourself. On the other hand, change does take time, especially when you are making significant changes to your self-esteem, attempting to quiet your inner critic and heal your shame. Be patient with yourself as you continue to work on this process. Don’t add to your shame or give voice to your inner critic by chastising yourself for not getting better sooner. We rarely feel as if we are gaining headway when we are in the middle of recovery. It is usually only when we look back on our lives that we can see the con- sistent growth.

I also suggest you reread the chapters that apply to you the most or that you had the most difficulties with. If you have not completed the exercises, I encourage you to do so. The exercises not only help you understand yourself better, they also give direction for further work on yourself.

If you find that your self-concept has become inflexible and you cannot accept positive evidence about your worth and value, I encour- age you to seek professional help. I list a few avenues for such help in the appendix.

I welcome your feedback. Please e-mail me at beverly@ beverlyengel.com. Check out my Web site,
www.beverlyengel.com, for listings of workshops, announcements, and my mailing address.

Finally, I wish to share with you this poem:

O
PEN
H
EARTS

by Therese Blackwell Mietus

Come close beloved children To the Heart of the Mother within

Breathe in the Golden Sunrise To cleanse this world of “sin”

For deep within the Heart of you There is no sin of course

Just pure and eternal Essence Connected to the Source

It has to do with an innocence The pure, open Heart of a child

Compassionate words, empathetic deeds A World of trust so mild

So come with me and remember That World of what’s to be

Can’t you feel within your Heart The Child Heart of me?

Now, breathe out the Golden Sunset And our darkness of the past

So we can go back Home again Together, forever, at last!

You are the Essence of all that has ever been

A p p e n d i x

Recommended Therapies

You can’t expect to achieve complete recovery from one self-help book. If you find that you need help in any area, do not hesitate to seek professional help. I recommend the following types of therapy.

Mirror Therapy

In this book I have given you the basic concepts of Mirror Therapy as it applies to raising your self-esteem, improving your self-image (including your body image), quieting your inner critic, and healing your shame. But Mirror Therapy was developed to help survivors of emotional abuse to heal all aspects of their lives, including their rela- tionships with others. In the near future I plan on writing another book that will focus more on these and other aspects of Mirror Therapy. For example, in order to maintain healthy relationships we need to add the following truths to our model:

• Human beings are incredibly resilient. Given empathy and appropriate guidance, people with emotionally impoverished childhoods can learn how to express their emotions, develop compassion for self and others, and expand their empathy.
  

• Because the emotionally abused or neglected often do not learn how to take care of themselves, they find it difficult to care for others when they are hurt or distressed. Instead, their focus remains riveted on their own unmet needs and desires.
  

• Sometimes, in order to be able to have empathy and compas- sion for others, we must first learn to give these things to our- selves. As adults, we often find that others treat us in ways that reflect the way we feel about ourselves. Therefore, if we want