Healing Your Emotional Self (19 page)

1. • Adults who were emotionally abused or deprived as children need to create a nurturing, responsive, internal “mother” and a safe, powerful internal “father” in order to provide for them- selves what they missed out on as children. This involves learn- ing nurturing skills and learning to set effective limits.
     

   • If childrens’ needs and feelings are continually ignored or dis- counted they will not know how to soothe themselves.
     

   • By committing to the process of change and growth, we can dis- cover that when we are more accepting of ourselves—even with all our faults and flaws—we are free to become the person we were meant to be.
     

Mirror Therapy Assignment #9: Making a Commitment to Begin Meeting Your Needs

1. Think about what you wanted from your parents that you didn’t receive. For example, did you want their encourage- ment? Their approval? Did you crave more affection? Make a list of all the things you wished you had received from your parents but did not get.
   

2. List the ways you plan to start meeting your needs and the things you are going to do in order to provide for yourself what your parents didn’t give to you.
   

3. Make a commitment to begin doing one concrete action that will provide for you what you missed as a child.
   

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   Learning to Love Your Body
   

   The body is a sacred garment.
   

   —M
   ARTHA
   G
   RAHAM
   ,
   Blood Memory
   

   I
   T IS DIFFICULT TO LOVE YOUR BODY
   when your parents criticized the way it looked or made you feel like it was dirty or shameful. It is even difficult to take ownership of your body when your parents treated your body as if it were their property—as if they had a right to hit you or neglect you whenever they wanted. How can you think of your body as sacred and what you put into it as important when your body’s needs for adequate food, rest, or exercise were ignored? How can you feel like taking care of your body or protecting it from harm when it was regularly exposed to unhealthy conditions? In this chapter I pres- ent a number of exercises that will help you to connect with your body, learn about yourself from it, show appreciation for it, stop judging it, and ultimately, to love it.
   

   Connecting with Your Body
   

   Survivors of emotional abuse and neglect tend to become numb to their bodies. They tend to disown them. Because their parents ignored their needs, they continue to ignore their bodies’ signals and needs. Some even treat their bodies as if they were the enemy. The following questionnaire will provide you with a better sense of how connected you are to your body.
   

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   Questionnaire: Your Relationship with Your Body
   

   Depending on how often, if ever, the following statements are true, give yourself a score of 1 for never, 2 for sometimes, and 3 for always.
   

   1. I have a good sense of my body.
      

   2. On the whole, I am happy with the way my body looks.
      

   3. I am connected with my body; I rarely split off or numb myself to my feelings.
      

   4. I pay attention to the messages my body sends me.
      

   5. I don’t deprive myself of adequate food, water, sleep, or appropriate clothing.
      

   6. I treat my body well by providing healthy food in moder- ate amounts, regular exercise, and plenty of sleep.
      

   7. I rarely fall, trip, or bump into things.
      

   8. I rarely push my body beyond its limits in terms of physi- cal exertion, lack of sleep, or other deprivations.
      

   9. I do not poison my body with excess alcohol, cigarettes, or recreational drugs.
      

   10. I stand firmly and comfortably on both my feet.
       

   11. I breathe regularly and deeply.
       

   12. I hold my head up high and my shoulders back.
       

   13. I enjoy hugging and being hugged.
       

   14. I allow myself to laugh often and freely.
       

   15. I regularly receive massages to help relax my body and increase my self-esteem.
       

Add up your responses. If your total is 37 to 45, you enjoy a won- derfully positive relationship with your body; if your total is 26 to 36, your body deserves more care and respect from you; if your total is 15 to 25, your relationship with your body needs repair.

Your body is there to support you in doing all the things you want to do. It is there to help you feel safe, protected, joyous, and childlike.

Instead of thinking of your body as an “it,” a possession, or a beast to be tamed and mastered, begin to create a new relationship with your body. Allow yourself to be led by your body’s strength and wisdom.

Your Body as a Teacher

Your body is a wealth of information. It holds the memory of trauma long forgotten that is nevertheless still affecting you. It can tell you how you are feeling and what you need at any particular time.

Exercise: Learning from Your Body

1. Today, all day, pay attention to your breath. How are you breathing right now? Deeply or shallowly? Do you some- times forget to breathe for long periods of time?
   

2. Identify the emotion your breath is expressing—anxiety, relaxation, irritation, fear. What can you learn from your breathing pattern? Write your answers down in your mirror journal.
   

3. Notice which parts of your body are the most tense. If these parts could speak, what would they say? What would they tell you they need? What would they tell you about past trauma?
   

4. Which parts of your body are the most numb? Why have these parts of your body lost all feeling? Underneath the numbness is probably a lot of pain; what is this pain about?
   

Sometimes we focus all our negativity on one part of our body. We become convinced that this part is responsible for all our bad feelings about ourselves. I mentioned an extreme version of this earlier in the book when I briefly discussed body dysmorphic disorder. People who were sexually abused often feel extremely negative about the parts of their bodies that were involved with the abuse (their breasts, their vagina, their penis). If your bad feelings about your body seem to focus on one body part, the following exercise may help.

Exercise: Learning from Your Least Favorite Body Part

1. In your journal, write about what part of your body you like the least and why. For example, do you dislike this part of your body because others have criticized it, or does it cause you to resemble one of your parents? If you don’t know the answer, complete the following sentence over and over until you come up with the reasons:
   

   “I dislike this part of my body because .” Don’t think about your answer ahead of time, just con-
   

   tinue to complete the sentence until you have no more
   

   answers.
   

2. Imagine that you are having a conversation with this body part. What do you imagine it might say to you if it could speak?
   

3. If you having difficulty, draw a vertical line down the center of a piece of paper. On the left-hand side, ask this part of your body a question. For example, you might ask, “Is there something you want me to know?” or “Why do you look like you do?” or “Is there something you can teach me?” On the right side of the paper write the answer. Don’t think about what you’re going to write, just let your sub- conscious do it for you.
   

My client Tracy identified her stomach as her least-liked part of her body. When she did this exercise, she asked her stomach, “Is there something you want me to know?”

The answer came quickly, “I want you to know that I feel bloated and uncomfortable! You fed me too much yesterday and I don’t like it. I feel embarrassed.”

When she asked, “Is there something you can teach me? Why do you get so big?” the answer was, “I get big because you eat too much and eat the wrong food. But also because you need me to protect you. No one can get close to you if I stick out. They can’t hurt you.”

Tracy’s mother had been extremely critical of her as she was grow- ing up. Tracy began to find comfort in food, especially by eating

starchy foods. By the time she was twelve, her stomach stuck out like a pregnant woman’s. Tracy’s stomach acted as a shield, keeping people away and numbing her to her own feelings.

Your Body’s Story

Your body has a story to tell. There are messages in the lines of your face and the contours of your body. There are secrets hidden in your musculature.

1. Look at yourself in the mirror or at a recent picture of yourself. What do you see? Look beyond the surface appearance (and whether you look “good” or not) and see what your body says about you. Notice how you are standing. Are you erect or slouched? Do you seem uncomfortable or tense? Are you smiling or frowning? Is your hair shining and healthy or dull? Record your observations and write about what these things are saying about you.
   

2. Draw an outline of your body. You can use your imagination, a photo, or the mirror to get the shape and proportions.
   

3. Using a red pen or pencil, color in the areas of your body that are carrying pain or stress right now. You may have tight neck muscles, a headache, or an upset stomach. If you are not sure where your stress lies, start at your head and work your way down your entire body, checking in with each part to see if stress has landed there.
   

4. Using a blue pen or pencil, color in the areas of your body where you hold chronic stress or pain. This may be the site of a previous accident or childhood abuse (for example, you have chronic pain in your neck due to your mother’s slapping you in the face so often, or you may suffer from chronic gynecologi- cal problems due to the sexual abuse you experienced).
   

5. Using a black pen or pencil, darken the areas of your body that you are critical of, or your parents were critical of or the parts of your body that hold a great deal of shame.
   

6. With a green pen or pencil, color in the areas of your body that feel relaxed and at ease.
   

7. Observe what this picture tells you about yourself. Is your drawing covered with red, blue, and black with only little patches of green? If this is true, you are in desperate need of self-nurturing, relaxation, and self-acceptance.
   

Our Parents, Our Bodies

Our parents shape not only our personalities but also the way we view and value our bodies as well. Did your parents treat your body with respect, or did they treat it as if it was a possession that they could access or intrude upon whenever they wanted? Did they like your body, or were they critical of it? Do you see any similarities between the way your parents treated your body and the way you now treat it?

Exercise: Are You Treating Your Body the Way Your Parents Did?

List all the ways that you mistreat your body today. Take a close look at this list and see if you can make a connection between how your parents treated your body and how you are now treat- ing your body. Here is my list:

• My mother allowed me to stay up too late at night so I didn’t get enough sleep.
  

• I still stay up too late and am often sleep deprived.
  

• My mother didn’t get up in the morning to make me break- fast.
  

• I don’t make myself breakfast.
  

• My mother allowed me to eat a huge plate of food at dinner (often late at night just before bed).
  

• I tend to wait until late at night to eat and then am so hungry that I eat a huge plate of food just before bed.
  

  Valuing Your Body
  

  In addition to being disconnected from your body, you probably don’t value it enough. The more you value your body, the better choices you will make concerning its care. Similarly, the more you love your body, the more likely you will be to cultivate positive health habits: eating more nutritious meals, exercising regularly, listening to your body’s wisdom to inform you of what you need, treating yourself kindly when you are sick.
  

  Exercise: Thank Your Body
  

  The following exercise will help you begin to feel and express gratitude for your body and all it does for you.
  

• Express appreciation and gratitude for each part of your body. For example, thank your arms for the many things they do for you, for the incredible aspects of life you enjoy because of them: “Thank you for allowing me to hug my children,” “Thank you for making it possible for me to embrace my husband,” “Thank you for helping me to pro- tect myself from assault,” “Thank you for making it possible for me to carry groceries.”
  

• Continue this process until you have acknowledged and thanked every major part of your body.
  

• Notice how each part of your body feels after you have expressed your gratitude.
  

Body Acceptance

In order to be able to value and love your body, you also need to accept it the way it is—including all your limitations, flaws, and imper- fections. The following exercise will help you discover how much you accept your body today and will assist you in beginning to work toward more body acceptance.

Exercise: Body Acceptance

1. Write about how you feel about your body today. Include which parts of your body you accept and which parts you are critical of. Do you continue to take your body for granted?
   

2. Take some time to think about a part of your body you don’t especially like. Write a letter to that body part, thank- ing it for remaining a part of your body in spite of your ungrateful attitude. Include an apology to it for being so critical and ungrateful.
   

3. Do something nice for that part of your body today. It has been putting up with a lot of criticism and ungratefulness from you. (For example, if you have been critical of your stomach, put some warm oil on it and caress it lovingly.)
   

Look at Yourself with New Eyes

You don’t need to constantly try to meet some external notion of what is beautiful. You only need to look in the mirror with new eyes. With your new eyes you refuse to accept superficial definitions of what beauty is. With your new eyes you are able to look deep inside yourself to find your inner beauty, wisdom, and strength—the essence of who you are. With your new eyes you are able to open yourself to a new thought—that you are already beautiful. There is no need to struggle, no need to contort your body, no need to apply creams or seek cos- metic surgery. All you need to do is simply be beautiful. Simply be.