Haunting Leigh: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Literal Leigh Romance Diaries Book 4) (2 page)

Chapter Three

Batteries Not Included

The first draft of the story was eventually written out. “I think that’ll have to be good enough for tonight, Gertie. We can read part one from this draft, then we’ll have the kids talk about being helpful to their grandparents and the elderly people in the community. I’ll finish the rest of the story over the weekend and read it to them on Monday. If not, I’ll improvise and just make up the rest on the spot.”

“I think it will be fun. How about I read it out loud so we can see how it sounds?” Gertie picked up the notebook and read our unfinished story.

My Grandparents’ Runaway Golem by Leigh Epstein and Gertie O’Leary.

Ben always enjoyed visiting with his grandparents. Grandma always had fun stories to tell and delicious cookies to share. Grandpa had a very large apple orchard. People from all over would buy his apples and for many years it was a very good business. Taking care of a big orchard was a lot of work for Ben’s grandparents. Ben would help them with all of the chores. There was always something that needed to be done. Ben would carry away the branches that grandpa pruned. He would help gather the baskets that would be filled with delicious apples in the fall. He learned how to plant apple trees and how to take care of them so they would be big and strong. Sometimes a storm would come and then there would be even more work to do.

Ben knew that his grandparents sometimes had a hard time getting everything done, and he couldn’t always come all the way from the city to the farm to help. One day when Ben did come to help out after a storm, he saw that the orchard was perfectly neat and tidy. As a matter of fact, it was in the best shape it had been in years. Ben thought he would find his grandparents completely worn out from all of the work they must have done. When he went around to the back porch, he found grandpa and grandma relaxing. They had a guest, their old friend Rabbi Silverman. They were all laughing and telling stories about long ago when they were children living in Hungary.

“Grandpa! Grandma! Hello, Rabbi Silverman. I thought you would be all worn out from all of the work you did. The orchard looks really good after such a bad storm.”

They all laughed and then grandpa told Ben to go for a walk with him. “Ben, this orchard is too much work for us, even with our family and friends that come to help. So grandma and I called my old friend, Rabbi Silverman. We remembered a story we heard when we were children, not much older than you.”

“What was the story about, Grandpa?”

“It was a story about a golem. We thought about it and together the three of us created a golem. A big, strong, helpful golem who can do all of the work in the orchard. Let’s go to the old barn. That’s where he is sleeping.”

They went to the barn and opened the big door. Ben and his grandpa looked around, but the golem was gone. “It must have run away! Quick, Ben, get grandma and Rabbi Silverman.”

“That’s all we have, Leigh.”

“Well, it’ll end up just like Frosty the Snowman, in case you’re wondering. Let’s leave it at that for now. We can get some sleep, get through our short day and after that, I owe you a shopping trip.”

The next morning I read the partial story to the class and promised to continue it on Monday. From their reaction, I could tell the students really enjoyed the story. Afterwards, Gertie had the children work on some
papier-mâché
art projects. Her crafty skills were pretty handy and they were successful in creating a jack-o’-lantern, a spider, and a golem. The golem was a huge human shaped figure, but it lacked any detailed features. Not surprisingly, it ended up looking very much like Frosty with a smiley face drawn in crayons. This consumed the rest of our morning. Shortly after noon we were on our way out the door.

Gertie and I headed out on the shopping trip I had promised her. As I pulled into the parking lot of the Adult Mega Mart, Gertie was astonished at the size of the place. “This is one giant sex toy store? There must be a lot of frustrated women out there.”

“They have more than just toys for women. They have toys for couples, for men, all sorts of accessories, even clothing. If it’s been thought about, someone has made a product for it. Remember when you said you wouldn’t mind having a little something to keep you happy while you and Brad are apart?”

“Yeah, I guess I am just a little shy about shopping for something like that in public. Everyone knows exactly what you are going to be doing with it. It’s not like you’re at the market picking up something like baking soda that has a hundred different uses.”

“I suppose you’re right. You have one thing on your agenda when there’s a rubber schlong in your basket. No two ways about it, but try to relax, Gertie. Remember, if someone is in this store, they are probably feeling the same way as you because they are looking for the same thing. I seriously doubt we’ll be striking up any embarrassing conversations with the shoppers.”

We walked in through the doors and we were both amazed at the overwhelming number of aisles. “This place is more packed than Costco! I don’t even know where to start.”

A man’s voice made us both jump. “Is there any certain thing you ladies are looking for today?”

I couldn’t bear to look the man in the eye. Now I was the one that was suddenly embarrassed. “Uh, no. I think we just want to look around, thanks.”

“Let me just point out the layout of the store. Over on that side you got your dildos and dongs. Next to that it’s just vibrators. There is a section of strap-ons beyond that, of course a full selection of butt plugs and anal beads can be found in the backside.” He made a nasally laugh. “Get it? Butt plugs in the backside?” I continued to look the other way.

“Yeah, I get it.”

“Oh, oh, oh. Not yet, you’re not getting it, not until you’ve picked one out. Hahaha. Get it? Well, I can see you ladies want to be left alone. Don’t forget to stop by the new display on the end of aisle four, Fists of Fury.”

We walked away. “Jesus, Leigh. I’m starting to get a sick stomach from that guy.”

I tried to be an example of courage. “Oh never mind that guy. He’s probably trying to make us feel more at ease. Let’s just keep this simple. You probably would like to have something to just massage yourself with when you’re talking to Brad on the phone. So why don’t we go look at those vibrators?”

The choices in the vibrator aisle were equally overwhelming. Gertie was eyeing an oval shaped vibrator. An unboxed sample one was on the shelf. I picked it up and turned it on. The all too familiar soft humming sound made me think of all of the lonely nights before Hunter graduated from the Academy. I held it against Gertie’s bare arm. “Now, I don’t have to tell you what to do with this.”

“I wonder what it feels like.” Gertie took the device and read the little tag that said “try me” and changed the settings accordingly. I never expected her to lift her skirt and press the thing against the front of her panties.

I was absolutely stunned. “Gertie! Oh my God! What are you doing?”

“Well, the label said
try me.
I didn’t want to put it against my bare skin after so many people have been touching it.”

“I’m pretty sure they just expect you to touch it against your hand or something.”

Gertie picked out an unopened box and placed it in her basket. Eventually she wandered down another aisle of more lifelike vibrators. I was thinking that I was pretty satisfied with everything Hunter had to offer and then some. For the first time in my life I felt like I could say that I had a sex life and not be lying about it. Still, on those nights that he might be working, it wouldn’t hurt to have a little something new to scratch that occasional itch. I finally gave in to my lust and picked up the Vibrating Jumpin’ Jackrabbit. This was a very complicated looking piece of technology that not only could vibrate, but it could also bend and gyrate. Gertie had already moved into another area and when I found her, she had gotten herself tangled up in the sex swing display. I had to laugh at the sight of her.

“Woo hoo! Look at me!” She swung out, her legs were spread open from having her feet in the stirrups. “When your man comes in and sees you in this thing, there is no mistaking the message!”

“What’s the message supposed to be? That you’re no Houdini and you need him to untangle you from that mess?”

After some more laughs, I helped her out of the swing and we headed to the cash register. Along with the vibrator, Gertie had picked out a large, very realistically detailed dildo. It was incredibly lifelike. Gertie noticed me staring and offered an apparent explanation for her choice. “That is about the closest thing I could find to Brad’s.”

“Huh. Then I’d say we are some lucky, lucky girls.” I gave her a wink because based on past experience, I knew I was damn lucky with what Hunter brought to the game.

The man at the register was still loud and embarrassing. “Someone likes ‘em big, big, big! But man, that thing is frighteningly realistic! Oh, and the Jumpin’ Jackrabbit with the clitoral stimulation attachment. Good choice because it’s our deal of the month. And of course, the old standby classic vibrator. Would you ladies prefer the discreet packaging?”

“Yes, please.” I said quietly. The man put all of the items in an empty cardboard box and closed it up.

We walked to the entrance and I heard the cashier greet a customer at the checkout. “Back so soon, Carl? You’ve got to take it easy on these inflatables.” Then he let out a booming laugh. I glanced back when I heard the name. Sure enough, it was Carl the Math Teacher. Ugh! He was the last person I wanted to see…ever.

“Quick, walk out as fast as you can and don’t look back!” I told Gertie, but it was too late.

“Leigh? Wow, I’m surprised to see
you
here. Not.” Carl tried his best at delivering a jab to me.

“Nice to see you, Carl. And my regards to your date. Once you inflate her that is.” People that shop in adult toy stores really shouldn’t talk to people they recognize. It’s bad etiquette, in my opinion.

On the way home we picked up Chinese food for dinner and a bottle of wine. When we got to my apartment, Hunter was still sound asleep. We pulled the cork and had a glass of wine while we looked over our purchases on the kitchen table. After some serious laughs about Carl and his inflatable girlfriend, Gertie took out the ultra-realistic synthetic cock and set it on the table between us.

It was impossible not to look at. “That thing you picked out is almost too real looking. It even says on the packaging that it’s made from a mold of some porn star’s schlong. I suppose that could be good. You know, if you like the visual aspect, but to me it looks like there was a horrific meat slicing accident in the kitchen. Yikes! Seeing it on the table like that gives me the chills and makes me want to return the razor sharp Ginzu knife I bought on the shopping channel. What if Hunter would decide to make a cucumber salad? God forbid.”

Gertie picked up the toy. “Do you ever wonder what it would be like? To be a guy and have something like this dangling out there in front of you?” I could tell the glass of wine was already having an effect on Gertie. She held the object in front of her as if she had a huge penis. “Look at me!” She turned and it slapped against the wall. “Ouch! Haha!” I couldn’t help but spit my wine out with laughter. “Leigh, do you ever wonder how guys manage to stuff these things away without feeling constantly uncomfortable?”

Hunter was up and we heard him moving down the hallway. Gertie quickly tossed the items back into the box, closed it up, and moved it to a more out of the way place on the counter. Hunter came into the kitchen and groaned as he stretched. “I thought I heard you two out here.” He gave me a hug and a kiss. “I am so glad to have a couple of days off now. So, Gertie, are you and Brad joining us on Sunday for Leigh’s parents’ big anniversary bash?”

“Of course! We wouldn’t miss it.”

The doorbell chimed and Brad surprised Gertie by showing up early. The pair quickly headed out for the evening. “Have fun you two lovebirds! We’ll see you on Sunday. If you want to meet us here, we can drive together.” After I said my farewell and they were out the door, I turned my attention to catching up on some much needed loving with Hunter.

Speaking of getting some loving, I think if you want to adopt a cat, you need to be aware of something. One of the downsides to having a cat is that cats are innate voyeurs. No matter what Hunter and I may be doing, I can count on catching a glimpse of Luna in my peripheral vision. She just stares. Occasionally she likes to join in as a participant. Here is an example: You know how it goes when in the throes of passion you find yourself in a slightly odd position? Well, at some point my head was hanging off the edge of the bed and my hair was dangling down. It really spoils the moment when you have a cat pounce out from under the bed and she grabs two paws full of hair and skin. Now, I’ll admit, I enjoy the occasional playful hair pulling during sex as much as the next girl, but not when it involves having an obese cat swinging from your scalp like a big furry pendulum of pain.

Chapter Four

Anniversary Dash

“Argh.” I stretched in bed. Luna seemed to be copying me by stretching out between me and Hunter. My eyes were still blurry and not quite open all the way as I watched him sleeping. What a long night it was. I suppose the benefit of having a man that had slept all day was getting a lover who was ready to stay up all night. Life just seemed too good to be true. I slid the remainder of the sheet off of him and lightly traced my finger along his strong muscular back and then the palm of my hand over that cute ass of his. I knew he couldn’t hear me, but that didn’t matter, I wanted to say it out loud. “Hunter, I am so happy. Everything is just right. I feel so peaceful, so content, and I am so—” I caught a glimpse at the green glowing digits of the alarm clock. “And so fucking late!”

My shouting frightened Luna, and she bounced into the air like a coiled spring that had just been set free. She landed between his shoulder blades, claws out and then launched herself again into some hidden place in the room. Hunter was instantly upright. “For the love of God, cat! Leigh, can we get her declawed? Christ, I’m beginning to look like I ran through a barbed wire fence and fell in a giant rose bush.” He twisted around to check over his wounds and I could see what he meant. Besides the fresh bloody welts on his back, Luna had left little scratches all over him last week. I only smiled at the fingernail marks
I
left on his back. No need to apologize for that.

“We overslept! It’s almost one and we are supposed to be leaving here in an hour.”

“An hour? Plenty of time.”

Guys. An hour? Please. Plenty of time if you’re running out to the store to grab some milk or something, not to get ready for a big family shindig. I don’t think I even responded before I bolted out of the bedroom to get ready. As long as nobody interrupts me, sure, I can pull it off in an hour. I just get into the character of an emergency room doctor. And if any guy ever asks why a girl has to have virtually every beauty product, hair iron, and blow dryer laid out across the bathroom vanity, it’s because that is how emergency operating rooms are laid out. Everything is out in the open, easily identifiable, and immediately accessible.

It does help to have the guy who gets ready in five minutes and then aimlessly wanders about like he has all the time in the world. He unwittingly becomes your personal assistant that you can call out requests to while you work on your priorities. I called out over the motivational jams loudly pumping out from the little speaker plugged in to my phone. “Hunter? If you’re ready, would you please make sure Luna has food and water? Oh, Hunter? Could you grab my pink bra? I think it’s on the floor by the bed. No, wait. Check in the living room somewhere. And would you look in my closet for one of those old gift bags and put that gift in there that we picked out?” I don’t wrap gifts. I once spent
forever
carefully wrapping my dad’s birthday gift, getting it just right, it was painful to see all that work undone in mere seconds by my dad’s carelessly fumbling fingers. The giant gift bag is probably the best time-saving, frustration-reducing invention of the century, in my opinion. Perhaps not the best, but it’s in the top twenty for sure.

After Gertie and Brad showed up, we headed to Skokie. When we arrived at the reception hall, I was amazed at the huge crowd of people that were in attendance. On the stage, my parents sat together with their original wedding party at a banquet table. This made them visible to everyone present. Lindsey and Kelly brought along Derek and Luke. It was good to see those boys in human form for a change.

“Leigh! Over here.” My sister, Sarah, pointed out a big round table reserved for us to sit at. Hunter dropped off the gift bag at the table heaped with other gifts.

“Sorry, Leigh. I forgot to mention the only bag I found in your closet had pictures of balloons. I think it was from a birthday.”

“I wouldn’t worry, I bet they won’t even notice.” We had to weave our way through the maze of tables until we reached Sarah. “Perfect! Front and center with room for all of us.”

“Wow. Forty years is a long time.” Lindsey remarked.

“I know. They were going to wait until their fiftieth anniversary for something like this, but my mom said that she didn’t know if the entire wedding party would be able to make it by then. This is another downside of having been born when they were both around forty. Everyone is getting old already.” The thought made me a little sad. On the other hand, I was happy that my parents’ renewed love seemed to be in full bloom. I’ll always take full credit for that act of witchcraft.

“Where’s Randy? Didn’t he want to come?” Lindsey asked.

Gertie lamented. “Randy is taking care of things at the plantation. See what I mean, Leigh? Our business keeps one of us tied up.”

“Yeah, well, the way my brother talks he probably doesn’t mind.” Kelly quipped. “Hey, isn’t that your dad’s brother, Ron? The washed up comedian? God forbid he should start with the tired jokes.”

Ron stood next to where my parents were seated and he dusted off his old routine. “Forty years. Forty years! That’s two life sentences!” The room quieted. “I remember the day that Harry brought Elizabeth home for the first time. He brought three girls into the kitchen and said to our mother, ‘I’m getting married to one of these three girls. Can you guess which one?’ Mother pointed to Elizabeth and said, ‘That one, I know because I already can’t stand her.’ Seriously folks, these two have had quite a marriage. Just the other day Harry told me he takes his wife with him wherever he goes. The problem was she kept finding her way home.” Ron seemed to notice that the volume of laughter was just above the sound an eraser makes when it falls on carpeting. He was about to take it up a notch.

“I know for sure Elizabeth can take a joke. She married Harry. You know, Harry once told her that he’d die for her. I just heard her whisper, ‘Now would be a good time’.” The silence of the room spurred Ron to try harder. “You’re a tough crowd. A really tough crowd.”

“Let’s talk about their sex life.” Ron paused. “Whoa! That was short
and
quick! Say, I do know Harry really does try. Why, I heard just the other night he suggested to his wife that they switch positions for a change. She said ‘Sure!
I’ll
lay on the couch and
you
stand by the sink.’ Enjoy your—” My mother chose that exact moment to elbow Ron right in the groin, thankfully shutting him up and preventing him from wrapping up his lame standup routine.

We were just finishing the meal and it was finally time for gifts. My proud father asked that the gift from his youngest daughter be brought up to the table. I was eagerly awaiting my parents’ reaction since I had worked with Sarah to craft a complete surprise. I knew he would open my gift first, a pair of tickets to a Broadway play. Sarah and Bill were giving them airline tickets to New York. To add to the excitement of finding something unexpected, I pulled the cliché trick of placing the tickets inside a box so it would appear they should expect to find candlesticks or something else. That’s always good for a laugh.

I took Hunter’s hand. “This is going to be such a surprise for them!” I was wiggling with anticipation as my dad lifted the box out of the bag. Then he opened the box and took out the surprise.

“What is that? That’s not the—” I started to say. Dad had removed the vibrator that Gertie had picked out. With a soothing caress, he rubbed the buzzing little toy on the back of his neck. “Hunter! You grabbed the wrong box!”

“A massager. It feels very nice. Thank you.”

Mom blindly reached in and came out with a handful of the huge, lifelike rubber cock. “Fey!” She screamed and flung it away as if she had picked up a tarantula. It landed with a splash in a bowl of red borsht. Aunt Irene leaned over to get a better look at what had frightened my mom. She took a pair of tongs used for serving the chicken and carefully lifted the borsht soaked toy out of the dish. She held up what appeared to be a bloody male appendage for everyone to see. Poor old great aunt Barbara held up her plate in anticipation of being served something delicious. The slippery rubber penis fell out of the tongs and onto Barbara’s plate, resulting in a splatter of borsht on her dress. At first she just stared at the supple toy. Before long she appeared to be admiring it.

I was petrified with horror as were all of the other guests. The anatomically correct chunk of soft rubber rolled off the plate onto the table with a sickening thud. Mom fainted. Irene screamed. Dad…well, he was yelling.

“Mozel Tov!” Shouted my great uncle Lev.

I crawled under the table and Gertie joined me. What else could I do?

“Really? Again? Enough already with the runaway sex toy and severed penis shtick. That joke ran out of gas a long time ago.” Kelly barked.

“Shh. I’m trying to make myself invisible. Hunter? What are they doing now?”

“Sarah ran up there. She and your dad are reviving your mom. Good news. It looks like she’s coming back now. Uh oh. Your aunt threw up and it looks like she’s in the dry heaves phase. You know she kinda looks like Luna trying to yack up a hairball.” Hunter paused and I waited. “And now it looks like your dad is looking over here for you.”

Kelly, my sweet savior Kelly decided on a bold course of action. “I’ll take care of this for you, Leigh. You’ll owe me big time.” She walked up to the vulgar scene.

“Hunter. Hunter. What’s going on?” I whispered.

“Kelly is talking to your parents.” He was quiet for a minute. “She’s on her way back now. It looks like they’ve all calmed down.”

“You can come out now, girls. I took care of it.”

Gertie and I crawled out from under our shelter of shame. “What did you say to them?”

“I told them that it was my fault. That it was me who brought those gifts. I said they were supposed to be given later in privacy. I told them it was accidentally put on the gift table. She was fine once she realized that one wasn’t real. She was actually grateful for them.”

“Eww. So she kept them?”

“All but the Jumpin’ Jackrabbit with clitoral stimulation attachment. Your mom told me to tell you that she already has one, but she’ll keep the others.” Kelly set my jackrabbit rotating vibrator on the table in front of Hunter. Brad, Derek, and Luke joined him as they marveled and chuckled at how it reacted to the various settings. It’s amazing how quickly a group of grown men can revert to middle school boys when they get ahold of a vibrator.

“Damn. She didn’t buy your story?” I asked.

“Nope. Not a word of it. Sorry, but I tried.” Kelly shrugged her shoulders.

That’s my mom. She knows us all too well. Thanks to my mother’s inclination to endow me with her very intimate personal information, I knew I’d never touch the Jumpin’ Jackrabbit ever again.

Kelly nodded towards my mom who was stashing the box full of remaining toys under the table. “Sorry, Gertie. Looks like you’ve lost your penis to Leigh’s mom. I bet you never thought you’d hear someone say
that
to you.”