Haunting Leigh: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Literal Leigh Romance Diaries Book 4) (10 page)

Chapter Nineteen

The Exorcism

“Is he going to be all right? He doesn’t look so good.” I was getting worried. Hunter’s complexion was turning grey with a tint of green. The bed started shaking violently, to the point where the headboard and footboard were bouncing off the floor with thunderous bumps.

Hunter sat straight up and had an evil look. “Holy fucking exorcist!” Randy yelled.

“Grab his arms!” Shouted Marie. Max and Millie each held an arm.

“What’s happening to him?” My voice was shaking with fear.

“Possession. Another spirit must have been with Hunter’s ghost.” Marie said as she climbed onto the bed. “Tell me your name! I command you!”

Hunter smiled and pushed his head against Marie. Then he made a strange sound. “Meeee owwww.”

“Sweet baby Jesus! He’s a cat!” Gertie screamed out.

“You can let go of his hands now. Or paws. Luna, come here.” Luna jumped up on the bed. “Tell that ghost cat that it can’t stay.” Luna just sat there and stared at Hunter. Even she couldn’t believe what happened. Without warning, she bolted out of the room.

“Where is she going?” Millie asked and then followed. They returned in seconds. Luna carried a zip lock bag that I recognized as her stash of catnip. Luna was a catnip connoisseur. She could go through a pound of it faster than Snoop Dogg can go through a pound of his favorite herb. Hunter was now lying on his back with his legs sprawled out. I took the catnip from Luna and opened it up.

“Randy, he wants someone to rub his belly. Do it.” I ordered Randy to do this unthinkable thing. Randy cautiously scratched Hunter’s belly. The purring sounds let me know Randy had hit the sweet spot all cats have.

“Can I record this? This is fricking gold.” Kelly said as she got her phone out.

Gertie gave a warning. “Not too long, though. Cats only like their tummies rubbed for a few seconds, otherwise they’ll—” Hunter hissed and swiped at Randy, only with Hunter’s big hands instead of little cat paws. Randy nearly took a haymaker to the head. “Yeah, they do that.” Gertie continued.

“Easy, big boy. Hey, Leigh, I don’t think I like cats, and I’m not into the whole fur-vert thing either.” Randy cowered in the corner of the room.

I took a handful of catnip and spread it out on the bed. “Good idea, Luna. Now call Little Schlitt out!”

“Meow, meow, meow.” Luna performed the cat-exorcism.

Max beat his bongo drums and Millie shook her beads. Above the din of raucous hippies and noisy cat sounds, Marie shouted, “Little Schlitt! Leave this body! The power of catnip compels you!”

The lights flashed on and off and the windows rattled. The bed shook one last time. Hunter went limp and fell back on the bed. Then he sat up. It was as if nothing happened. “Leigh? What’s going on? Mom? Dad? What are you doing here?”

Millie and I simultaneously hugged Hunter. Our tears soaked his shirt. Max beat his bongos and Marie cheered. “Fuck yeah! Say it with me!” Gertie, Randy, Kelly, and even Esmeralda were dancing to the bongos. We had won the battle against the ghosts.

“Hunter! I am so glad you’re back. Are you okay?” I asked.

“Um. Back from where? I think I had one hell of a nightmare. What’s going on here? Is this a Halloween party? Did I blackout or something?”

“No. No, baby. Just kiss me.” I couldn’t help myself and I didn’t care who was there to watch us kiss.

“Awww. I just got this warm fuzzy feeling inside.” Esmeralda said, to everyone’s surprise.

Marie looked at her in wonder. “You? What? Did you swallow a hamster?”

Millie clapped her hands together to get everyone’s attention. “Okay everyone. Thank you all. I think it’s time to leave these two alone for a while.” Everyone took her words of advice and we found ourselves alone.

I explained the entire ordeal, starting from the moment I knocked him out.

“Hunter? About that house. What do you want to do with it?” I just had to know what his intentions were.

“It was a great bargain. I just had to jump on it. I’m hoping we can fix it up. Together. You know what I’m saying? We can have a home together.”

In my head, my voice was cheering like Marie had done just moments earlier. The words slipped from my brain and accidentally came out of my mouth. “Fuck yeah!”
Oops
. “Um, I mean that’s a wonderful idea.”

Chapter Twenty

In the Shower

In the days that followed, my heart was as light and free as an autumn leaf in the breeze. It seemed that we were spending more time in the home improvement stores than anywhere. I didn’t mind one bit, because now I finally had a purpose to be there. I used to go in to buy light bulbs or something and always got a little depressed because I only had an apartment. Now I could look at the beautiful bathtubs or the kitchen appliances and actually envision us getting them someday. Thankfully Hunter is handy. We started by just making plans and agreed to restore the place in phases until we could move in.

It was the weekend before Halloween, Hunter and I were working hard at refinishing the wood floors. If you’ve ever had to sand floors and put a coat of finish on them, then you know it is the same job assigned to denizens of Hell. It’s messy, noisy, and we had to redo so many areas. Love can only go so far to keep you going through extensive home improvements. That particular day I found myself on the verge of tears as I looked over the hardened bubbles and craters of the worse looking wooden floor in Chicago. My brain began to hatch a plan.

“Hunter? Let’s take a break today.”

Hunter came in from the kitchen and he was covered in dust from the plaster wall he had been ripping apart. “Sounds good to me. I think it’s safe to say that plumbing is not the kind of thing I’m cut out for. I’ve been trying to replace those water lines for the sink and once I fix one leak, another one springs up. It’s a nightmare.”

I laughed because he looked as frustrated as I did. The white powder covering his body reminded me of Gertie’s golems. Two bright eyes showed through the film of dust on his face. I tossed aside the floor polishing pad. Hunter came up to me and lifted me right off the floor. I was cradled in his strong arms as he carried me towards the door. Then he stopped walking. “It’ll work out. Eventually this will be a really neat house. We may be retired by then, but we’ll get it there.” He put his head down to give me a kiss and then the board under his feet made a cracking sound. I was looking at his powdery white face and tried to decide if he was alarmed or just confused. We suddenly dropped
into
the floor. I rolled away on top of the floor, but Hunter had dropped down to where only his chest and arms were above it.

“This place is going to kill us first.” He said and then clawed his way out, looking like an albino groundhog. “Let’s get out of here for a while.” Luna had been running around the place, acting like she was as busy as the rest of us. We assumed that she had been playing with the unseen ghost of Little, but so far neither of us had seen any more ghostly activity. When Hunter fell, Luna scurried back into her carrier. She was ready to go as well.

We were finally back at my apartment. Hunter headed straight for the shower. He was right, it was just too much. I didn’t want us to waste our lives on that old haunted house. Before I lost my nerve, I went to my desk. I wrote a short story about how a loving couple named Hunter and Leigh had a very old house they wanted to restore. Miraculously they came into some money and decided that it was enough to completely restore the old place. Heck, there was even enough left over for Leigh to get some of the purses and those very expensive shoes that she’d always wanted to buy. I wrote it and hoped I wasn’t cursing our lives in some unforeseen way.

“Leigh? Got a second?” Hunter’s voice called.

I closed my laptop and padded over to Hunter. I was pleasantly surprised to find him standing there in all of his naked glory. His arms snaked around my waist and pulled me closer. Hunter tugged at the hem of my shirt, lifting it slowly over my head. Quickly tossing the article to the floor, he leaned in to whisper in my ear, “Shower?”

I have to admit that I had never had shower sex before. With another person that is. The solo thing doesn’t count, in my humble opinion. I had read about it, I had fantasized about it, but this was a first. Let’s just say that it is one of those things that sounds better than it really is. I liked the way Hunter brushed his hands over my soapy body and I loved doing the same for him. It was incredibly hot. Unfortunately too hot. It seems that I had bumped the handle and we were soon scalded like the contents of a deep fryer. We remedied the issue, but then I found out that my shower isn’t quite big enough to get into the ideal position. I slipped on a soapy film and nearly chipped a tooth. I was also educated to the fact that the taste of soap makes me want to vomit. So, as far as shower sex goes, I give it two stars. The foreplay is hot, but any activity beyond that needs to be moved outside of the shower.

That is exactly what we were happily engaged in after Hunter threw me on the bed. Hunter’s face was buried between my thighs and I ran my fingers though his hair to pull his mouth deep into me. That’s when Luna dropped onto my chest. She brought me a present that made me scream. It was a diamond encrusted brooch. “Hunter! Hunter!”

“Mmmm. You like that, huh? Mmmm.” Hunter was vigorously devouring me. I was on the brink of a climax, but I was also excited about the brooch.

“No. I mean yes. Oh, never mind.” I decided to just enjoy what Hunter was doing. Even a small fortune on my chest was no match for Hunter’s oral expertise. After a heart thumping orgasm, I showed him the brooch.

“See this? Luna brought it to me!”

“That’s one of the Fabergé jewels you were talking about. How did Luna find it?”

“Let’s follow her.” We trailed Luna to where we left her large pink carrier and I quickly peeked inside. “Oh my God. Hunter!” I picked up the carrier and dumped out the contents. There were more than a dozen brooches and one very large diamond.

“Holy shit, Leigh! That is it! That’s the missing Schlitt collection!” Hunter shouted.

By late afternoon we were already meeting with a well-known jewel collector on the Magnificent Mile. When he told us the value of our find, I nearly fainted—four hundred thousand dollars. “Wait, is that everything? It seems like something is missing.” My heart skipped a beat at the thought. Could we have possibly lost a piece of the collection?

“It’s more than enough to hire a contractor and still have a little nest egg leftover.” Hunter was as ecstatic as I was. We agreed to put the collection on a consignment deal with the jeweler who gave us a sizeable advance. That advance went immediately to hire a contractor to take on the complete restoration of our home. We would have our beautiful house after all, without the broken spirits and busted bodies.

Chapter Twenty One

New Dresses

It was Sunday and there was only five days left until Halloween. My friends had all agreed to meet at Lindsey’s that afternoon. Hunter, Brad, Luke, and Derek had the grill fired up and ready to go. They had the TV moved up to the back patio door and they watched the Bears game. It was painfully obvious by profane commentary that the game wasn’t going well. I love football. I have a hard time with some of the penalties, though. For example, “taunting.” Really? Is there one for “name-calling?” Seriously think about it? A three hundred pound guy pummels you to the ground, probably rupturing several internal organs as he smears your carcass across the field and that is legal, but he can’t taunt you? Whatever. In any case, it was another beautiful fall day with friends.

Gertie was bringing the dresses for us to try on, and I couldn’t wait to see what she came up with. I kept an ear open for her crash landing.

“Leigh, whatever happened to Clarice and Bill? The ones you and Gertie zapped. Was that just the end of them?” Lindsey asked.

“Not quite. Fortunately, Gertie found them when she went back to New Orleans. She did change them into something. I think you ought to ask her about it when she shows up. Anyhoo, there’s an opening for a librarian and a security guard at my school if you know of anyone looking.”

I heard what sounded like a train car full of pots and pans tipping over, Luna’s protesting “Meow!” and a final heavy thump. “Oh, good. Gertie’s finally here.”

“Wow, I keep landing in that pantry ever since you remodeled your kitchen, Lindsey.” Gertie was carrying a bundle of fabric. We descended on her like a pack of hyenas on a fresh kill. There was another puff of smoke behind her. Esmeralda came along for the day. We all had grown to love Esmeralda, and we all welcomed her.

“Easy now. One at a time. I hope you like them. Here’s your dress, Leigh. And Kelly, Lindsey, and Esmeralda.” We ran into the house and began stripping right in the kitchen.

I no sooner had gotten down to being in nothing but bra and panties and Randy magically puffed into the kitchen. I didn’t feel the need to be shy around him, all things considered. He was holding a stack of dark suits. They were his signature line of Vlad the Impaler inspired tuxedos. One for each of the guys.

Our dresses were beautiful full length gowns. Each fit perfectly and each had a color and trim unique to our personalities. Mine was purple and pink and perfect for me. I actually squealed when she presented it me. Gertie’s dress was light and dark orange, blended beautifully together. Lindsey’s dress was emerald and a softer green. The greens matched her eyes perfectly. Kelly’s was of course two shades of red that suited her personality and Esmeralda’s was black with a dark, deep red. Of course, each came with a matching witch’s hat.

“Now, ladies you need to be prepared for this. Each of you will be formally inducted as this year’s new witches. Kelly and Lindsey, the two of you will finally get your official brooms.” Esmeralda announced.

“These are absolutely beautiful gowns, Gertie. Thank you so much. I have something for each of you. I was going to wait until Halloween, but I want you to have them now. I reached into my purse and took out the Fabergé brooches I had set aside as gifts. I handed each of them a brooch. I can’t be certain, but I think I saw a tear or two coming from Esmeralda’s eyes.

As the afternoon went along, Lindsey asked Gertie about Clarice and Bill. The answer was surprising. “Well, I got back to the plantation. I was checking on the new golems and I spotted a pair of rabbits in a cage. They were…well, you know how rabbits can be. Suddenly these rabbits turned into human form. It was Clarice and Bill naked as a pair of jaybirds and happily humping away. It turns out this was literally a life changing experience for them. They sent in their retirement requests and now they are so happy together. Best of all, they asked to stay on at the plantation, so they are my new helpers. There’s only one problem.”

“Oh, no. What?” Lindsey asked.

“They’ve decided to be nudists. So you can just imagine how that’s going. As far as the golems, they’re gone…it was not a happy ending. I don’t really want to talk about it. Just imagine what a tribe of Sasquatches can do when they decide to go to war on a pair of paper golems.” Gertie straightened her dress and took a breath. I know she felt a little responsible for the monsters’ demise. “Kelly, I wanted to ask you. How was your threesome with Luke and Esmeralda?”

I had been drinking a wine cooler. When Gertie asked that, I showered the bubbly drink across the kitchen floor. I had explained to Gertie exactly what the threesome meant and in basic terms the kind of thing they had likely been engaged in. Gertie just didn’t see anything wrong with talking about it during the middle of a cookout.

“It was great, Gertie. You’ll have to come over and try it sometime.”

Gertie realized the implications and started to blush before she quickly scurried away.

“Kelly!” I admonished her.

Our cookout was blissfully uneventful. It was perfectly normal in every way that you could hope for. The table was filled with best friends and great food. Conversations and laughter flowed through the afternoon and into the early evening. We could all finally laugh about everything that had happened since magic had been haphazardly introduced into our lives. When dusk arrived, everyone started to say their goodbyes and we agreed to meet again at Lindsey’s on the afternoon of Halloween.