Hand of Thorns (28 page)

"I never fucking ran away!" His voice echoes through the car, almost startling me from the intensity. "Bullshit, Monica. That is what this all is, is bullshit."

Tears start to fall, and not even from the painful contractions, surprisingly, but from a painful heart instead. "Fuck you, Leon. You did. You ran away like a fucking little bitch, because for some God forsaken reason I was never good enough for you. Because you used me like a damn puppet in your show, and made me fall head over fucking heels for you, all for you to play house with the fucking woman I'm carrying a baby for! Because she's too fucking ignorant to do it herself. Fuck her, fuck you, and fuck this whole damn pregnancy. I hate everything surrounding it!"

I know I don't mean what I say, but I say it anyways, regretting the words the moment they fly out of my mouth.

"That was the ultimate low."

"Yup." I cross my arms, looking out the window once more. This time knowing I won't look at him again, and realizing after today, he probably won't ever look at me either. Not with the things I just said.

The last few minutes are eerily silent as he pulls into the parking area of the hospital and heads straight for the Emergency Room doors. He stops outside of them, putting his car into idle and hopping out. I climb out from my seat, although the effort is a little overwhelming, especially while I'm still crying like a little bitch. He comes rushing over with a wheelchair, shaking his head. "Don't be so damn stubborn. Sit here, and I'll be right back to bring you in."

"You... you still are going to help me?" I ask, shocked completely.

He pauses as he shuts the car door for me, then slowly turns to face me, blinking a couple times in thought. "Yes, Monica, I'm going to help. Despite your hormones and the fucked up things you just said, I still love you."

"Don't say that to me," I plead.

"I do, though. Don't ever think otherwise."

"How can I not? Where have you been? How come you walked away without even attempting to explain yourself?"

"I need to go park the car. I'll be right back. Don't move." He hesitates for a moment before racing around to the driver side.

It doesn't take long for him to come back, even though it felt like forever while I was suffering through another contraction. Without any words being exchanged, he brings me inside.

I'm admitted immediately, and as they are filling out paperwork for me, which thankfully doesn't take long since I preregistered, I realize that I haven't called anyone other than Penelope. I look to Leon, frightened I'll be here alone with him and Penny. "I need to call Sumner and my mom. Oh, and Marney. Should I call Rochelle as well? Did you call... well... your fiancé?"

He runs his hand through his hair, looking completely distraught. It takes him a second to answer my rambling. "Let's get you settled in," he finally says. "We'll worry about all that in a few minutes." Then he turns to the nurse who is currently typing a couple things into the computer. "How long until she's pushing and all that?"

The nurse smiles without turning towards either of us. "Patience is a virtue. It could take as little as an hour, or as long as until tomorrow. At this rate, with this being her first, I'm going to say it'll roughly be at least several hours, but Nurse Cody will be in shortly to examine Miss Rockwell, and we'll figure out how dilated she is, as well as discuss all your pain management options." She glances at us both, still smiling. She's much older than either of us, probably been doing the same job for thirty some odd years. "You two make a lovely couple. Being a first time parent is scary through this process, but once your bundle of joy is in your hands, you'll feel like naturals."

"We're not..." Leon starts to say, but she walks away before he finishes.

I roll my eyes. "You
would
correct her."

"Well, I didn't want her to feel stupid when she hands the baby over to Eleanor."

The two of us remain in the quiet room, but I can't concentrate because the voices in my head are screaming at Leon, all the things I wish I were able to say to him right now. Instead of yelling any of them, I mumble, "Yeah, because it's
my
job to feel stupid."

"Monica," he whispers my name. I don't look at him. He steps into my view but I turn my head, crossing my arms over my chest uncomfortably. I haven't even been given a johnny or IV yet, so I know they should be in soon to start with all of that. "We'll talk about it, just not right now, please."

"There is nothing to discuss. You made a choice, I made a mistake. End of story."

"I get why you're so upset. I planned on talking with you about it all, but there are things happening, and I was scared that if I told you..."

"What? What were you scared of? Ellie?"

"I was scared I was going to lose you forever!"

"Well you did, Leon. I'm done with your games."

He leans forward, hovering over me with a fierce look in his eyes. I swallow audibly, suddenly nervous. "I'm not giving up on us that easily. I
want
to be with you, I've always wanted to be with you. Please, fucking chill out so you don't overstress this baby. We will talk about this. If you want to walk away after, then fucking walk away, but don't expect me to let you get too far."

"I can't just forgive you."

"You might."

"Not likely."

"Then good. Don't. Put up a fight, get pissed at me, and think on it. I don't care. All of that makes you stronger, and I love when I see the strong, dependent Monica coming to light. Let me fucking have it, throw a damn fit, call me names. If it makes you feel better, I'll take it. I can handle a lot, trust me. What I can't handle is you giving up completely. Please,
please
Monica, wait for me."

My eyes bounce back and forth with his, watching as the silver in his lightens while he stares down at me. He isn't supposed to be saying this kind of stuff right now. He isn't supposed to make me feel hopeful. I gave up on him already. I can't fall back on it. I'm not that kind of girl. With Dustin I didn't even put up a fight, I let him go- then again, I never really loved him. At least not like this. With Leon, I know it's real. It's intense and magical, and frustrating and heart wrenching. I hate to love him, but more than that, I love loving him.

I don't say as much though, there is no point. I ever so slightly nod my head, accepting that I'll at least speak with him at some point about it all. I shouldn't, but after everything we've been through, I suppose I owe him that much. He leans down to press his lips against my forehead, lingering a moment longer than he normally would, before he steps back from the bed altogether.

"So, uh," he clears his throat. "Who do you want me to call?"

"Marney first. And... well, I never even asked if I could have more than one support person in here with me. They mentioned having one, but never said multiple. So... I guess Marney first, and ask her. Please."

He smiles at me the way he always used to, the kind of way that would normally disintegrate my panties. I shouldn't feel my heart thump the way it does. I'm still angry with him, I remind myself, and I can't let him fool me again. What is that saying? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times, I must be asking for it. Dammit.

Leon exits the room as two nurses come in. They have me change, then check me to find out I'm five centimeters dilated, which is good- I think- as I was two at my forty week checkup. They told me some women stay at two for weeks, maybe even months sometimes, so I was thankful it wasn't until the end. Being a five seems like I should be moving along rather quickly. After all that is done, they have a lab technician come in to take some blood, while the nurses start prepping for the actual delivery.

My nerves start to bundle, and I'm both excited and fearful for what's to come. I've imagined this day at least three hundred times since I started planning the surrogacy process, but to actually be laying on the bed, speaking about placentas and labor and pushing, and everything that comes with the territory, it's all surreal to me. I don't feel like I'm the one about to push out a human from my body.

Marney suggested I can call my three friends and mom, but only one can stay in the room with me, since they don't want it overcrowded- as is Ellie, Leon, and whatever staff members, will be present during labor. They all make their way in to at least say hi and let me know they're here, including Leon's mom, Sherilyn. Even Ellie's mom, Allison, stops in but she doesn't say anything to me, only to Ellie and Leon. Congratulating them on their arrival-to-be.

It takes three hours for me to get to the point of needing an epidural, and despite Ellie making me feel like utter shit for wanting one, even the doctor and nurses tell her it in no way will harm the baby- and Marney reminds her there was no written agreement either way, as Ellie herself left that box unscathed. She stormed out of the room pissed, but when she came back in after the epidural, she was her fake, sweet self... to everyone except me.

When it comes to me, she's snarky and tries to correct everything I do. She questions how I'm lying down, or when I decide to eat some ice chips if it's too much for me, and when I
attempt
to sleep, she says she doesn't feel comfortable allowing me to. Finally after another two hours of this, Nurse Cody kicks her out, and tells her she cannot come back until she learns to respect me and my surroundings. It reminds me of Leon and the nurse putting Penelope's mom into place.

In fact, Penelope brings it up in whispered tones when no one is paying attention. When Leon glances at us with a smirk, I know he thinks of it too.

I manage to talk for a bit, and I even manage to get a little bit of rest, but eventually the pain becomes too much to handle, and I beg the nurses to allow me to push. They call btoh the doctor and Ellie in, telling me to wait, even though the pressure between my legs feels like the baby may fall out at any given moment.

Suddenly the atmosphere around me changes. They lower me to the edge of the bed, where they drop the bottom half. A nurse holds one of my legs, while Penelope holds my other. Ellie stands off to the side, next to Leon, who gives me an encouraging look. I suddenly stop recognizing everything around me as I feel a contraction hit full force. "Push," the nurse screams. "Push, come on, you can do it."

I try with all my might to push through the entire contraction, taking a deep breath when it's finished. Less than thirty seconds later I'm doing it again. Time and time again, I push, only to end breathless, feeling defeated already. The pressure intensifies, and I know she's coming, so when another contraction hits, I scream out in pain while I give it my hardest effort.

It continues like this, the pain getting closer together, lasting a little longer, and the pushes wear me out tremendously, but at the same time it empowers me to continue, knowing the end is near.

Finally I hear Penelope shout, "This is it. You got it. Push, Monica. Come on, she's coming." She keeps her encouraging words coming as I push until I no longer can. The feeling of Spud finally making her appearance into the world is something I'll never in my life forget.

My entire body relaxes into the bed as I smile in gratification. "I did it," I whisper breathlessly, wiping the sweat from my forehead away.

"You did it. Oh my Gosh, I'm so proud of you." I look up to Penelope, watching the tears fall from her eyes. "That was beautiful. I'm so happy I was in here with you."

"Thank you," I whimper. The emotions haven't hit me yet, but I'm also so, so extremely exhausted.

"She's a healthy baby girl. Daddy, you ready to cut the cord?"

"Can we do it together?" Ellie asks. I close my eyes, not ready to see it happen. I listen as the doctor says yes, then envision it in my head, while it's all being done. Everyone starts to congratulate the three of us, but I ignore it all.

Someone presses against my stomach suddenly and it hurts like fucking hell. I look up to see a nurse standing over me. "We need to get the placenta and everything out, this may be tender, but it's important."

While she walks me through the process, I peek over at the station where the baby is under the light, screaming her little heart out in this squeaky, tender pitch. Everyone is oohing and ahhing over her preciousness, watching her get weighed and measured, then bathed and a diaper put on. By the time they're finished with her, the nurse is done with me, and I'm repositioned back to normal.

The nurse walks over, handing her to me. "The most important part of this process is having her skin to skin with you before anyone else holds her." She starts to name off all the medical benefits, but it's lost somewhere in space once the little baby is pressed against my chest. She is cuddly and warm, and everything about her makes my heart expand. I never knew I could love something so earnestly and fierce. I understand the definition bundle of joy, because that is exactly what she gives me.

I hold her close to me, feeling the soft purr of her breathe against my skin. Closing my eyes, everything that existed before this moment is nothing of importance. I'm transited into an awe-inspiring universe, and I feel numb of any emotion except love.

I'm not sure how long I'm holding her, but she eventually starts to suckle against my skin, making these sounds which almost remind me of a newborn kitten. I look at her and smile, falling in love with the simplicity of her existence. The nurse walks over and looks intently into my eyes. I hate when she presses her lips together shamefully as she reaches down for her. I can feel my heart racing, my skin crawling, not ready to give her up. Not yet.