Gravity: A Novel (13 page)

I couldn’t help but wonder if the
parents all knew how lucky they were, to have a family. I bit my tongue when I listened to the mothers complain about the lack of sleep or the temper tantrums. It wasn’t their fault. I was sure I would have similar complaints if I were in their shoes. I would give up sleep for the next twenty years if it meant that I could spend them with a child of my own. I could feel Drew’s gaze on me throughout the evening, watching me play with the children. Every now and then, our gazes would meet, and he would smile, flashing me those dimples that I loved so much.

As the sun disappeared and the night sky grew dark, we all gathered around a roaring bonfire preparing for fireworks.
I felt relaxed and happy, having spent the day with friends—old and new. I had even gotten to know Shannon pretty well, and she seemed smart and kind, a far cry from Logan’s usual catch. I couldn’t help but wonder where this road would lead me. Where I would wind up in the end. If my marriage was salvageable or if I would be alone.
If I couldn’t save my marriage, would I ever be able to move on? And, more important, what would become of my dream of being a mother?

It was hard to believe that I had been at the lake for over a month, each day drifting into the next unnoticed.
I seemed to lose all track of time here without a grueling schedule to mark my days and nights. Maybe throwing my phone into the lake wasn’t such a bad move after all. I was completely out of touch with work, my friends, my family. With Ryan. But for once, I didn’t care. I knew that I would have to face Ryan soon. I knew that I would have to eventually ask the questions that would lead me to the truth. I was aware that I had a long, hard road ahead of me, but it was so easy to get lost here, to forget everything that was waiting for me back home. I would have to deal with it all soon enough, so, for now, I pushed aside these thoughts, unwilling to allow them to spoil the happiness I felt from the present days.

Twenty
-One

I sat back in my beach chair, and watched Drew and Logan line up an arsenal of fireworks, their faces lit up like children in the light from the bonfire. They had driven to Canada the week before and had loaded up on fireworks for the occasion, spending hundreds of dollars. Drew wanted to give the kids a show to remember, but, watching him now, it was obvious that he was enjoying it just as much as they were.

The first set erupted into the sky, the thunderous explosion causing my heart to hammer in my chest as my eyes took in the spectacular array of colors lighting up the darkness.
The children watched in awe as they cheered and begged for more. Drew and Logan continued their elaborate fireworks display, each one bigger and better than the one before, the grand finale taking my breath away. The crowd on the beach cheered, and Drew and Logan took a bow, before retreating back to the empty chairs near Shannon and me.

“So what did you think?” Drew asked as he sat down beside me and rested his hand on my leg.

“That was amazing. Well done.”

“Thank you.
It was fun, and I think the kids liked it.” He beamed.

“Are you kidding me?
They loved it,” I said as I reached into the cooler next to me and grabbed a beer for Drew, twisting the cap off before handing it to him.

He tapped his bottle against mine and then took a long pull, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand when he was done.
“Ah, isn’t this great? Just like the old days,” he said as we watched the kids roast marshmallows in the fire.

“Yeah, this is great,” I agreed. And it was.

Kaden appeared before me, offering me a roasted pink Starburst on the end of a stick.

“Here try this,” he said as I pulled the warm sticky blob from the stick.

I put it in my mouth and began to chew as a burst of flavor erupted on my tongue. “Wow, that’s good,” I said to Kaden as he beamed at me. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he said
, a blush spreading across his cheeks. He scampered away with his stick.

“Someone likes you,” Drew teased.
“Poor kid, I should warn him of your wrath now before it’s too late.” Drew had the biggest smile on his face, but I still flashed him an incredulous look as I punched him in the shoulder playfully.

“Jeez
, Gem, stop hitting me already,” he sulked as he rubbed his shoulder.

“Baby,” I teased.

“Bully,” he retorted. And I smiled at our familiar banter, feeling at home and grateful that I was here with Drew.

It grew late, and the families with young children slowly made their way back to their cabins to put the kids to bed.
I said good-night to Kaden, promising to go swimming with him sometime soon as my heart swelled for this little boy. What I wouldn’t have given to be tucking my own child into bed at that moment.

Eventually it was just the four of us.
We sat around the fire, drinking and sharing stories.

“Gemma
, you were so hot in high school,” Logan teased while we were reminiscing about old times.

“Oh, stop
.” I giggled, a result of too many beers. “You were pretty hot too, Logan, but, of course, you already knew that.”

“Yeah, no woman could resist what I had to offer,” he said, running his hand down his abs until they landed on his crotch
where he cupped his genitals through his jeans.

“You are such a pervert,” Shannon said and slugged him in the arm.

“Yeah, you perv,” I called out as I threw a bottle cap at him.

Drew laughed beside me and shook his head at Logan, unwilling to defend him.

“Hey, if I recall, Gemma, you didn’t complain the last time I had my tongue down your throat.” He was clearly teasing as he rubbed his arm where Shannon had hit him, but his comment hit me square in the gut, taking me back to that night.

Drew tensed beside me, his jaw taut, his hands in a death grip around his beer bottle.

Silence filled the air, heavy with tension. I tried to play it off, to go back to the light conversation that we were all engaged in just moments before. “Very funny, Logan. Does anyone need another beer?” I asked, opening the cooler beside me, hoping to change the subject.

“I’ll take one,” Drew grumbled beside me.
I doled out a beer to everyone except Shannon, who politely declined. I watched Drew drain the entire bottle before throwing it at the recycle bucket that sat ten feet from us. The bottle landed in the bucket and shattered, sending a loud clash into the quiet night.

“I’m out.
Logan, you guys are welcome to crash at my place. I’ll leave the side door open.” Drew stood and started to walk toward his cabin. “Good night,” he mumbled.

I stood to follow him, knowing that he was upset.
“Drew, wait,” I called out after him.

“Stay
, Gemma. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said without looking back.

I stopped and looked at Logan, debating on what I should do.
Give Drew his space or go to him?

“Don’t look at me, Gem.
I don’t know
what
his fucking problem is,” Logan said, holding his hands up innocently.

I looked back toward Drew’s cabin
; he was almost to the door. I kicked off my flip-flops and chased after him.

“Drew, wait,” I called out breathlessly when I had nearly caught up to him.
He stepped into the dark cabin, and I followed him inside. I could see fireworks erupting into the dark sky on the other side of the lake through the wall of windows before me.

“Gemma, I need to be alone right now.”

“That was a long time ago. Don’t let Logan get to you,” I said, still catching my breath.

“You’re right
. It was a long time ago, but I still feel angry when I think about that night. The jealousy that consumed me watching you kiss him like that. It was crazy, and I was so confused by it. I screwed up everything. I was just a stupid kid. But what
yo
u
did . . .” His hands were fisted at his sides, his muscles straining underneath his shirt, the veins in his neck pulsed through his skin as he shook his head at me. His eyes burned in the dim light. “The hatred I felt for you the next day, when I had to listen to . . .” He stopped, unsure if he wanted to continue.

My gut
churned, bile rising in my throat, knowing what he was going to say next. I folded my arms across my chest tightly, desperately trying to hold myself together, to keep from falling apart.

He ran his hand through his hair and looked away briefly
, as if contemplating what he was going to say next. “I had this image of you. An image that didn’t fit the Gemma that I knew
,
m
y
Gemma. It made me sick, and I hated you. I had to listen to Will tell me how good you were. How good you felt when he fucked you.” His words stunned me. He scrubbed his hand over his mouth as if he were shocked by his own words. But he had said them, he couldn’t take it back.

Tears filled my eyes as I swallowed hard, the bile leaving a raw burn in its wake as it traveled down the back of my throat.

“I still don’t get it, Gemma. Why William? He was a fuck-up. He was
m
y
brother. Why would you choose him? You were better than that. At least I thought you were. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe you weren’t a virgin like you had led me to believe.” He stood with his hands on his hips, spouting angry words at me, judging me.

And I just stood there in
shock, letting his words wash over me, coating me with shame. I couldn’t articulate what needed to be said.

I felt Drew’s hands on my arms, gripping me tight
—too tight.

“Say something,” he demanded, shaking me.
“Explain this to me. I’m tired of dancing around what happened that night. I want you to tell me why.”

I was numb, unable to speak as I looked into his angry eyes, dark and intense.

“You broke my fucking heart, Gemma,” he yelled, his hands still gripping me tightly.

Tears streamed down my face as I choked on my own sobs.
Drew released me, and I sank to my knees, unable to stand on my own two feet. I buried my face in my hands, sobs raking my body.

“You have nothing to say?” he asked, still angry.

Why won’t he stop
? I couldn’t take any more of this. I was breaking into a million pieces before him, and his venom continued to spill from his mouth.

“Why?
Why did you fuck my brother that night, Gemma?”

I snapped.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I looked up at him, meeting his gaze as he towered over me. “I didn’t fuck him,” I screamed. “
HE RAPED ME. WILLIAM RAPED ME.
” I fought for air, gasping for breath that wouldn’t come. I had said it. I had finally said it. I struggled to take a few deep breaths, hugging myself tightly as I rocked back and forth on my knees. “Happy now? Please stop, just stop. I can’t take this anymore,” I whispered through the sobs that tore through me. My body shook with anger and despair, as I waited for his reaction, watching him through my tears.

“What did you just say?” he asked, his voice so quiet, a stark contrast to the volume at which he
had shouted just moments before. Confusion settled in across his face.

“He raped me that night,” I whispered, closing my eyes as I felt my words
—the truth—escape me. I felt utterly exhausted all of a sudden.

“Will
. . . What? . . . How? . . . Why didn’t you tell me?” he stuttered, at a loss for words.

“I tried to tell you
, but you were so angry, and I was scared.”

Drew hung his head in defeat and sank to his knees in front of me.
Tears welled in his eyes as he looked at me. I could see the pain and regret in the depth of his gaze as I watched a grown man’s strength crumble, and it tore me apart inside.

“I’m so sorry
, Gemma,” he said, shaking his head from side to side. And, as if the last twenty years had just replayed in his mind, he buried his face in his hands and mumbled through his own tortured sobs, “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry.”

I didn’t know what to say.
I couldn’t absolve him; I couldn’t tell him that it was okay. Because none of this was okay. It wasn’t his fault, but his hurtful words were still fresh on his tongue, still echoing in my heart. We sat on our knees with our bodies facing one another but unable to look each other in the eye, unable to stop the flow of agony that spilled down our faces from the raw truth that was finally exposed between us. We were both defenseless from the grief that threatened to break us, as we relived all that was taken from us, all that was lost.

After what felt like forever, Drew wiped his face with the bottom of his shirt and finally spoke.
“I don’t know what to say. I hate myself for the way I treated you. I hate myself for leaving you that night. I want to kill Will. I want to kill him right now, this minute, for hurting you. I don’t know how to make this better, Gemma. Fuck, all these years . . .” His voice trailed off, the pain robbing him of his voice.