Gothic Charm School (9 page)

What else can you do?

Use participation in the Goth subculture as a reward for good grades or behavior you'd like to see more of: your child can do “x” thing if he meets a certain goal. For example, you might allow your son to color his hair an unnatural shade as a reward for good grades or buy your daughter a coveted item of clothing for helping out around the house. The Lady of the Manners's very own parents used these tactics when she was a moody black-clad teen. And they worked very well.

Encourage your child to explore the literary and artistic roots of the Gothic movement. Don't assume those explorations should stop at the roots of the Gothic movement either. Help your
babybat
seek out the modern flourishes of Gothic literature and art. While many parents (and other adults) narrow their eyes suspiciously at comics and manga, there are many gothy
and
kid-friendly titles to be found on those shelves.

Encourage your child in any creative projects she may start. Many an introspective
babybat
's dabbling in writing, photography, or illustration has helped her decide what she wants to do when she grows up. Hours spent on the computer creating desktop backgrounds, user icons, and websites teach useful skills kids can someday use to find themselves a “real job,” even if all of their effort and tech skills seem to be focused on creating fan sites for whatever band or book has captured their hearts. Even seemingly eccentric creative pursuits such as making etchings of gravestones or making toy monsters can turn into more than “just” hobbies.

Talk to your kid and find out what has drawn her to the Goth subculture in the first place, and you might just discover what she is passionate about. But above all, remember that having a child who is a Goth isn't a bad thing. After all, the Lady of the Man
ners's parents think she turned out just fine.

What if my children hide behind me wide-eyed?

What if you aren't raising a fledgling Goth but keep seeing gothy types while you're out and about with your family? Before you start worrying that a black-clad person is deliberately trying to scare your children, keep in mind that many children are shy or nervous about anyone they don't know, no matter what the stranger looks like. Just because your child is hiding behind you with wide eyes doesn't mean that the person he's hiding from is scary or bad. On the other hand, should you coax your child into talking to this person? No, not necessarily. In the Lady of the Manners's mind, trying to coax small children out of their shells to interact with strangers they've randomly met doesn't seem terribly productive or useful.

But! Don't add to your child's nervousness. Don't act like Goths are a terrible danger to be avoided, and especially don't point or make rude comments. Children imitate the people closest to them, even when they perhaps shouldn't. Once, while on a very full flight home from a trip, the Lady of the Manners was seated next to a young girl. The girl, fascinated by the Lady of the Manners's frilly skirts, striped tights, and velvet jacket, spent the flight cheerfully chattering away at the Lady of the Manners about her older sister, what books she liked, her opinions of the in-flight movies, and anything else that crossed her mind. When the girl asked the Lady of the Manners about her outfit, the Lady of the Manners explained that she was a Goth. At which point the girl's eyes became very wide, and she shrank back in her seat a little bit.

“
My stepdad says Goths are scary,” confided the young lady.

“Hmmm. Really?” asked the Lady of the Manners. “Do you think I'm scary?”

“No. You're really nice!” was the immediate response.

“See? Goths aren't scary. Just like most people aren't scary. Why does your stepdad say Goths are scary?”

What followed was a recitation of all the stereotypes the Lady of the Manners had expected to hear. Goths look weird. They're different, and being different is bad. They're creepy, dangerous, violent. As the girl rattled off the ideas her stepfather had tried to indoctrinate her with, the Lady of the Manners purposefully didn't get angry or upset and worked very hard at keeping her facial expression neutral. Once the girl was done with her litany of prejudices, she looked at the Lady of the Manners and made a skeptical face.

“But you're really nice!” she repeated. “Why would my stepdad say stuff like that?”

“Maybe because he doesn't know any Goths?” the Lady of the Manners offered.

“Well, that's dumb. I'm going to tell him about you and how nice you are. Maybe he'll stop being scared of Goths.”

“That would be nice.”

And with that decided, the young girl went back to asking the Lady of the Manners for help solving some of the puzzles in the “young wizard” activity book with which she had been amusing herself.

Filling children's heads with vague fears of people you don't know much about seems, in the Lady of the Manners's opinion, to be a disservice. It's a big world, full of strange and unexpected people and things. Just because you don't know much about something (be it a foreign culture or a subculture) doesn't make it wrong
or bad, and teaching your children that sort of thinking can only limit them. Teaching children to be automatically suspicious of anyone who appears different can rob them of chances for understanding and growth. Kids shouldn't assume everyone they meet will be friendly and harmless, but neither should they be afraid of people who dress or speak differently than they do.

A few words for the Goths reading this section

Yes, it's annoying when you're wandering along, minding your own business, and someone makes a big deal about her children being scared by you. Especially if it's apparent that the children aren't just being shy kids but have been indoctrinated with the notion that people who look different are to be regarded with fear and disdain. Unless you're in a situation like the one the Lady of the Manners was in on the plane, there's not a lot you can do about it. Other than, of course, being as polite as possible and not sneering, exaggerating your potentially scary nature, or getting into any sort of argument with the parent about her seemingly closed-minded worldview. No, just perhaps wave at the kidlings and go on with whatever it was you were doing before.

What if my children run toward them shrieking with glee?

Children, in the Lady of the Manners's experience, are drawn to Goths like bees to flowers (or moths to moonflowers, as it were).
This should come as no surprise, if you stop and think about it. Goths tend to be people of high visual contrast: all black and white with accents of vivid jewel tones (or pink, in the Lady of the Manners's case). The same sort of visual principles on which most cartoons are, as a matter of fact. Most Goths look like they're from another, more exciting world. So of course children are attracted to that.

Does that mean you should let your children scamper up to the first Goth they see? Well, no. No more than you should let your children gleefully run toward anyone that you, and they, don't know. But don't assume that the eccentric-looking person with the outrageous hair or clothing is a danger to them either. If your child points out a Goth with excitement or interest, don't feel you have to warn him or her to watch out for the Goth. Most Goths, when a small child exclaims over the way they look or waves at them, think such behavior is cute and will smile or wave back.

However, don't fall into the trap of thinking that because someone looks like he just escaped from the set of a particularly wacky movie, he would be delighted to spend time entertaining your off-spring. Goths are not zany costumed characters or entertainers. Actually, now that the Lady of the Manners stops to think on it, some of them very well might be, but probably not the sort who specialize in children's entertainment. Even if they were, unless you've hired them for a special event, you shouldn't assume that they will stop whatever they are doing and amuse your children at length. Again, it comes down to treating that eccentric person in black clothing in the same way you'd treat anyone else. Asking questions of that eccentric person in black is just fine. Letting your children grab at her, or using her as a distraction for your children while you go off and do something else, is most assuredly not.

You may think the Lady of the Manners is being a touch dra
matic about the whole “do not assume the Goths will entertain your children” point. Oh, Snarklings, she's not. The Lady of the Manners will freely admit that her preferred wardrobe makes her look like she's escaped from a touring production of
Mary Poppins
as visualized by Tim Burton, which may give some people the idea that she's just like a lovable and magical nanny and thus is willing to child-wrangle at the drop of a veiled hat. While the Lady of the Manners is many things, a magical nanny she is not. The same goes for other Goths, many of whom have talked at great length with the Lady of the Manners about this same phenomenon. The Lady of the Manners suspects this happens more frequently to those of us who have a more Victorian and/or whimsical style than it might to the Goths who favor a deathrock and/or Grrr! Stompy! look, but regardless of what corner of the subcultural closet a Goth is exploring, there always seems to be someone who assumes this Goth will be offering a free show and babysitting service.

A few words for the Goths reading this section

The Lady of the Manners begs you, no matter what your feelings toward children are, to be as polite as you possibly can manage toward them. Yes, even if their parents are looking at you like you've just appeared in a black cloud of sulfurous smoke and are about to stride forth to destroy everything they hold dear. Yes, even if you really don't like children. Please don't give in to any urges to scare kids or their parents, no matter what provocation may be offered. Why? Because, like it or not, the majority of the mainstream population is already a little unnerved by us spooky types. One of the least helpful things a Goth can do is strengthen that uneasy feeling and make
“normal people” even more wary of us. Does that mean you should try to make friends with all the little kids you meet, let them clamber all over you, and be oh so zany and fun for their amusement? Bah. Of course not. The Lady of the Manners likes children (in general and is very fond of some specific ones) but is not willing to be extremely friendly and approachable to every munchkin she meets. So remember to politely answer any questions from children you meet. Don't tell them stories about how you're a vampire or that you're going to eat them or give them to the monsters. (Unless, of course, the children in question are close to you and have been raised on jolly stories of friendly monsters, just like the Lady of the Manners's assorted godchildren have been.) However, in all seriousness, do not try to scare the kids or parents. Please.

How do I explain Goth to my children if they ask me about it?

Children, being curious and inquisitive creatures, will, of course, ask you about these strange and flamboyant people they've just en
countered. Why do they look like that? What do they do? The Lady of the Manners isn't going to tell you how much of an explanation to give to your children; that depends on how old they are and how much information you think they might be able to absorb. But some points of reference for ease of explanation are as follows:

•  
  Halloween
  . Goths love Halloween, as do most children. The dressing up, bats, jack-o'-lanterns, skeletons, and ghosts, the once-a-year celebration of spooky things that most people usually find creepy—these are some of the aspects of Halloween that Goths and children hold equally dear, along with the hope that there is more to this world than is readily apparent, that whimsy and magic are to be found everywhere. Children seem to have an understanding of the magic of Halloween all the way down to their very bones; not magic as in casting spells, but magic as in the sense that anything can happen, that anything can be equal parts spine-tingling and marvelous. Goths are people who haven't lost that childlike sense of wonder, who look for spine-tingling and spooky thrills on more than just one day of the year.
  
•  
  Fairy tales.
  Fairy tales are, in some ways, the
  original
  Gothic stories. They're full of symbols and archetypes that helped mold the Goth subculture. (While the Lady of the Manners isn't referencing the twinkly, pastel, Disneyfied versions of fairy tales, she knows that many a fledgling
  babybat
  was mesmerized by Maleficent from
  Sleeping Beauty
  or stared longingly at the magnificent library from
  Beauty and the Beast
  .) Eerie witches, spooky forests, ghosts of both helpful and dangerous natures, horrible beasts masquerading as people (and people disguised or enchanted to appear as hideous beasts)—all of these not only demonstrate that everything is not always what it seems, but also that it could
  be mysterious and exciting. To be a Goth is to yearn, even if just the tiniest bit, for the everyday humdrum world to change into something slightly out of the ordinary. It's not that Goths want to ignore or run away from the real world, it's just that we wish, we demand, that there may be more to the real world than what so many other people are willing to settle for. Children can easily understand that mindset: every forest (or even every city sewer or subway tunnel) could be home to strange creatures, and there could be monsters hiding under the bed. Those strange creatures or monsters could mean you harm, or they could be seeking your help with a magical quest. Either way, doesn't that sound more interesting than doing your homework and going to bed on time?
  
•  
  The Addams Family
  and the work of Tim Burton.
  While there are Goths out there who dislike both
  The Addams Family
  and everything Tim Burton has done, they are in the minority of the subculture. Both of these examples have a quirky, slightly off-center view of the world and are populated with larger-than-life eccentric characters, characters who don't impose their views or philosophies on anyone else but just want to live their lives in the way that makes them happy. Not to mention the strong sense of whimsy that both
  The Addams Family
  and most Tim Burton movies embody. A severed hand as a household pet seems unremarkable in the context of the Addams household, and of course there's a whole land of monsters that dedicate their lives to creating Halloween. Why wouldn't there be? Again, for some reason the “mainstream” world seems to think that a sense of whimsy and fantasy are teenage phases to grow out of. Most Goths don't agree with that way of thinking at all. Plus there's the strong, immediately recognizable visual styles of both examples. Everyone seems to know what Wednesday Addams's and Morticia's dresses look like, and the “Tim Burton-influenced” label is slapped on seemingly anything with black and white stripy accents and wrought-iron curlicues. Those strong visual styles resonate with kids, who are drawn to anything cartoonish and otherworldly.