Gothic Charm School (11 page)

You see, your parents probably worry that you might attract the wrong sort of attention, the sort of attention that makes them uncomfortable. Thanks to the mainstream media, many people assume that someone in Goth regalia is some sort of creepy, deviant freak, which is not how parents want to think about their baby.
While your more “normal” classmates can probably get away with wearing skin-tight jeans or extremely low-cut tank tops without people making assumptions about them, Goths need to be a bit more aware of the message their outfits might send. Opting for some modesty in your shadowy clothing choices will probably go a long way toward addressing your parents' concerns. (For a more in-depth look at dress codes, both spoken and implied, scamper ahead to Chapter 8.)

Goths and school (and why these aren't necessarily the best years of your life)

The notion that your teen years are the “best years of your life,” that you've reached the pinnacle of your existence and everything after will be pointless tedium, is a terrifying one, isn't it? The Lady of the Manners is here to tell you, Snarklings, that this particular common statement is dead wrong. Nobody, and the Lady of the Manners means nobody, has a completely wonderful time throughout adolescence. Sure, there are some bright spots, but for the most part, one's teenage years are character-forming in the sense that if you can survive them, you'll have a greater understanding of human misery and angst. Why do you think all the John Hughes movies of the '80s about misfit teens were so popular? Because they struck a chord in just about everyone who ever saw them. Also, after most people grow up a bit, they find it charming when someone admits that his or her high school years were a trial. (In fact, the Lady of the Manners has heard the phrase, “I bet you were one of those popular people in high school,” used as a scornful insult a handful of times.)

However, because you are a Goth, you may experience more than your fair share of school annoyances. Most teenagers naturally seem to fall into a pack mentality and tend to react poorly to others who reject the herd. No, it's not fair or right, but it happens. Does this mean you should hide your interest in Goth or that you should work on blending in with the rest of the kids at your school? Good heavens, not even a little bit. Instead, work on developing a healthy amount of self-confidence and realize that the quality of your life does not depend upon whether everyone likes you. Self-confidence is one of the most important safeguards against the casual torture school can bring. Teens seem to have an unerring knack for finding and exploiting the emotional weak spots of their classmates, especially if those weak spots involve wanting others to like or approve of you. The Lady
of the Manners agrees that it is very nice to be liked and not to be mocked or teased, but you know what, Snarklings? Try very hard not to let your self-esteem rest on whether or not your fellow students like or approve of you. If they don't, they
don't
, and there's not really a lot you can do to change their minds. So don't spend your school years tormenting yourself just because someone thinks you're weird.

Learn to cultivate a quietly superior attitude as your armor at school. If or when classmates start harassing you, smile at them in a faintly amused, faintly elitist manner, and then walk away. Don't get into name-calling fights (or any other type!) because you won't win them. It doesn't matter if you're right and they're wrong; the other kids won't be willing to admit it. If you can just act quietly indifferent to them and not react to their taunts and attempts to annoy you, they will eventually get bored and find a new person to bother. Many people who indulge in bullying behavior are looking for a reaction, any reaction. If you don't give them that reaction, they'll often leave you alone. Not always, but more often than not.

Another plus to the advice above is that authority figures (be they parents, teachers, or something else) tend to be impressed by good manners, even if they think you're a freak. The Lady of the Manners survived a lot of slings and arrows in high school (and even in college and the “grown-up” world of employment) by being mannerly and polite. In a condescending and somewhat self-confident manner, sometimes, it is true, but most of the people attempting to torment her didn't catch on to that aspect. (Of course, that is not a good reason to brush up on one's manners, but it gives the task a devilish and sneaky sense of fun.)

However, if the fight escalates,
walk away
. Find some sort of nominal adult presence as soon as possible. Most tormentors won't
continue with their “fun” if there is a grown-up around to witness it. If the people persecuting you don't stop once you move to such a location, it's even more important to resist responding in a similar manner. Try to get the adult in the area involved. (As wrong as it is, most adults will pin the blame on the freak or weird kid involved in these sorts of events, which is why it is so important that you make it clear by your behavior that you are the blameless party in the incident.)

Of course, if the harassment becomes violent, then you've got an even bigger problem. Again, try to walk (or run, if necessary) to a different location, preferably where there are crowds of people and hopefully a few sane adults. If this isn't possible (and the Lady of the Manners is aware that sometimes it isn't), then you have to make the uncomfortable and
very quick
decision about whether you are capable of defending yourself. The Lady of the Manners doesn't like advocating violence, but if your tormentors seem intent on hurting you, do what you must to protect yourself. But she very strongly recommends reading up on the laws of your city (and school rules) concerning assault and battery, and to remember that while sharp pointy jewelry and metal lunch box handbags are fun accessories, if used in a fight they can possibly land you an assault with a deadly weapon charge, even if you didn't start the fight.

Lots of schools now have policies in place to help stop “bullying.” The Lady of the Manners has no idea how effective any of those policies are but thinks they're a step in the right direction. If you are being harassed or tormented by classmates, don't be afraid to tell an adult and see if there are official steps you can take to make the harassment stop.

Keep in mind that your school years aren't forever; at times it may feel like they are, but eventually the time comes to an
end. Just grit your teeth and concentrate on surviving so you can leave your herd-like classmates with their pack mentality far behind you.

Dealing with roommates

Roommates are quirky creatures. On the one hand, they can be your closest friends and confidants; on the other hand, they can be the evil things that borrow your clothes without asking first and leave the bathroom resembling a disaster area. Sometimes, they're all those things. The trick is to have roommates with more good qualities than bad and make sure that you don't unthinkingly annoy them as much as or more as they annoy you.

Now, while the above is true for roommates from all walks of life, a Goth on a quest for a roommate may have some unique concerns that your average folk don't run into. Take the topic of home decorating as a starting example. Yes, regular folks have to negotiate with their roommates about how the shared living quarters will look, just like Goths do. However, non-Goths probably don't have to have a conversation that covers points like, “Do you mind if I hang mounted and framed dead animals on the walls?” or “Oh, while you were out I decided to paint the walls glossy black” or “I've replaced all the regular lightbulbs with red ones.” When you get a new roommate, make sure she doesn't have any decorating surprises in store and explain that you might have visitors who wouldn't appreciate the morbid charm of animal skulls hung on the walls. Also, if you live in a rented domicile, make sure everyone is aware of what the landlord considers damage and what the penalties may be. Though painting the walls red and purple may be a great idea, think
hard about whether you're willing to give up your share of the damage deposit.

Almost all housemates have to set boundaries for borrowing each other's clothes. However, in an all-Goth household, it isn't so much about raiding closets as it is about figuring out whose black lace skirt is whose. It's all well and good to have a roommate whose taste in clothing complements yours, but it makes sorting laun
dry a bit difficult. Sewing nametags into your clothing is one tedious option, though most people just make each roommate responsible for his or her own laundry, thus avoiding the whole “Are these your stripy tights or mine?” quandary.

Goth housekeeping also presents its own unique set of problems. Goths who are planning on sharing a house or apartment with others should be armed with the knowledge of how to remove candle wax from shag carpeting, wine stains from upholstery, the lingering smell of cigarettes and incense from a room, and hair dye stains from any bathroom surface. (Upon reflection, even Goths who live on their own should probably know all those things, just to make their home a tidier place.) Other general rules roommates should discuss when first setting up house together:

•  
  A house policy on overnight guests.
  The thrill of meeting naked strangers in your own bathroom wears out after a while. Try to make sure that you don't spring surprise guests on your housemates. Contrariwise, make sure not to barge in on a roommate when he or she is…er…occupied with company. Always knock first, even when you're sure your roommate's just reading or playing
  World of Warcraft
  .
  
•  
  A house policy on long-term romantic entanglements.
  One group of the Lady of the Manners's friends has the rule that boyfriends and girlfriends who regularly spend more than three nights a week at the house have to contribute to the rent. Some people don't want their roommate's romantic partner to spend the night at all, while other people just want a rough idea of how often to expect it. Try to set up guidelines, even if none of the people sharing living quarters are involved with anyone at the time. Situations change, and it's easier to have an idea of how things should work before everyone gets all dewy-eyed with new romance and lust.
  
•  
  An emergency rule for music.
  While no one person should dictate the soundtrack of a living arrangement, it is helpful to know that if you are in the throes of sleeplessness or a high-stress
  work week, you can respectfully request that your roommate not play certain music that might aggravate things. The same rule must apply to all roommates, with the person experiencing the greater level of stress or chaos getting the ultimate vote. However, that does not mean that a roommate should get away with playing the latest Count von SpookyBat CD at top volume at three a.m. because she's “upset.” Being upset does not mean, under any circumstances, that you get to deprive others of their much-needed rest.
  
•  
  A general idea of what sorts of behavior are acceptable.
  Some people wouldn't mind at all if their roommate decided to start running a fetish photography business out of the house; others might strenuously object. If you aren't sure about what a roommate's reaction might be, ask. Don't leave little notes on the refrigerator after the fact, don't casually mention, “Oh, I'm throwing a big party,” on the day of the event, and don't spontaneously rearrange the furniture while the roommates are out of town. Just don't.
  
•  
  A set date when the household bills are to be paid.
  Yes, even if you just have to have a new outfit or concert tickets, the bills must be paid, and preferably on time. Roommates who routinely neglect this important idea should be asked to find a new place to live sooner rather than later.
  
•  
  A plan for how household chores will be split up.
  It is very disheartening to come home to a dirty kitchen because you've only just discovered that your roommate loves to cook but can't stand to do dishes. Deciding in advance who will do which tasks is far better than standing in a dirty bathroom screaming at each other, and a checklist of household tasks can ensure that the cat box does get cleaned in a timely manner.