Gothic Charm School (10 page)

Goth parents and raising the next generation of babybats

Do you have to turn in your
Goth card
when you become a parent? Is being a Goth only suitable for those who never have to think about diaper bags and babysitters? Oh, don't be silly.

The Lady of the Manners can see where this sort of confusion or worry springs from. To many people (including those who are part of the spookily clad masses), being a Goth involves a regular schedule of nightclubbing, parties, and a wildly impractical taste in clothing. If that is all being a Goth means, then of course it seems as if being a Goth is incompatible with being a parent.

However, for the majority of the spooky creatures of the night, being a Goth means more than just clubs, parties, and eccentric clothing. (Though the Lady of the Manners is fond of all those things and is rather infamously devoted to the “eccentric clothing” part.) Being a Goth means that you have an appreciation for the beauty that can be found in darkness or decay, that you have a healthy sense of the absurd, an appreciation for whimsy, and
are not afraid to be your own person. In the Lady of the Manners's eyes, those also seem like very good qualities for a parent to have.

Of course, becoming a parent does require some changes to your spooky lifestyle. Going out to Goth Night at the local club can't be quite as spur of the moment as it once might have been, what with arranging for babysitters and such. Not to mention, as the Lady of the Manners has learned from friends who are parents, wrangling
babybats
is tiring, to put it mildly. Some days, finding the energy to do more than flop on the couch and stare into space is an insurmountable obstacle. Does that mean you need to wave good-bye to your social life? Don't be silly. It just means that you'll be going out less frequently and your social life will probably shift to more evenings at home with friends.

Then there's the question of wardrobe: excessive ruffles, frills, and opulent fabrics don't mix well with day-to-day parental life. (The Lady of the Manners can see where PVC clothing provides ease of cleanup with most messes, but the Lady of the Manners is also fairly certain that most garments made from that fabric are not an ideal style for most parents.) Does that mean you need to give up your wardrobe of gloom? Of course not. It just means that you will need to keep “is it washable?” firmly in mind while clothes shopping. (A helpful hint: almost all stretch velvet
is
safe to throw in the washer and dryer, as long as you stick to lower-temperature settings. If the label says “poly/spandex,” you
should
be able to ignore that pesky Dry Clean Only tag. But be wary of anything with beading, appliqués, or delicate embroidery. In other words, if the garment is particularly important to you, you probably don't want to wear it while feeding, changing, or doing anything else with your
babybat
that has the potential for messy accidents.)

The Lady of the Manners is strongly in favor of Goths becoming parents. In fact, the only concern the Lady of the Manners has about Goths being parents is that some may try a little too hard to turn their children into perfect little clones of Wednesday and Pugsley Addams. It's all well and good to dress them in clothes that say “
babybat
” and give them fuzzy toy monsters to hug, but don't feel betrayed if they like Disney cartoons and sports too. Remember that children are separate people with their own (frequently strongly expressed) likes and dislikes.

Something that all Goth parents still need to watch out for is other people's hostility and disapproval. Sadly, many misguided people out there think Goths are not fit to be parents, an opinion the Lady of the Manners feels is utter nonsense, of course. But that doesn't stop interfering busybodies from glaring accusingly (or worse!) at Goth parents. Ignore those types whenever possible (but ignore them with a polite smile!) and instead concentrate on raising your
babybats
to be happy, well-adjusted, and possibly (hopefully) spooky.

What about those of you, like the Lady of the Manners, who aren't parents but whose friends are? Firstly, don't assume that having children caused your friends to lose all interest in everything else. Most parents are eager for (if not desperately craving!) conversation with people about something other than their children. Just be aware that no matter how fascinating that conversation may be, it will get interrupted at times by the necessities of child rearing. That's just how things are, and getting annoyed or frustrated with your friends or the children is ridiculous. If you are one of those people who Just Doesn't Like Children (and there's no shame in admitting this), then you need to accept that you probably won't see your friends as often as you once might have. Just be honest with yourself
and
your friends about your feelings, and try not to
be antagonistic about the subject when it comes up. However, if you're one of those people who does like children, then why not offer to babysit occasionally? Even the most devoted parents cherish a night away from their spooky bundles of joy and would probably be delighted to give their
babybats
a chance to spend more time around their extended (Addams) family. If it takes a village to raise a child, there is nothing that says the village can't be decorated with a motif of friendly bats and crushed velvet.

How to reassure people you aren't a Satanist, drug fiend, or psycho killer

Let's face it, Snarklings: Goth doesn't exactly have the world's best image and, really, it never will. A subculture with a core philosophy of finding and appreciating beauty in unexpected and sometimes very dark places, that takes the majority of its aesthetic cues from horror movies, funereal attire, and other morbid things, is never going to become something that doesn't raise any eyebrows. Which, really, is just fine and the way that it should be, but sometimes the Lady of the Manners wishes
that the general public's reaction to our spooky and black-clad selves wasn't always quite so…alarmed.

But because most non-Goths tend to be at the very least a little disconcerted by Goths, we have to deal with the misconceptions.
The Lady of the Manners won't lie to you: dealing with those misconceptions can be tedious and annoying. Yes, even the Lady of the Manners sometimes feels the temptation to give someone her very best menacing smile and “Why yes, I
am
contemplating what your blood might taste like” stare when she's regarded with un-ease and apprehension by strangers. But she doesn't succumb to that temptation, because no matter how amusing it may seem, this reaction is counterproductive and only confirms everyone's worst suspicions about Goths.

So how should you reassure people that you're not contemplating scary acts of occult-tinged violence just because you're wearing all black? By being polite and pleasant to people when they ask you questions about your appearance, no matter how dubious they may seem of your reaction, of course. But what if the people you need to reassure are not random strangers but people close to you, like friends or family?

First things first: ask them what they think Goth means and try not to roll your eyes or snort derisively at whatever sensational movie-of-the-week nonsense they come up with. Instead, after they're done talking about the dangers of Goth, gently explain what Goth
really
is. Start with “family-friendly” examples such as
The Addams Family
,
The Munsters,
and Tim Burton movies such as
Beetlejuice
,
The Nightmare Before Christmas
, or
Corpse Bride
. Talk about Gothic literature, how the Gothic movement has been around, in one form or another, for hundreds of years, and that “gloomy and decadent” does not automatically equal “deathobsessed and dangerous.”

The next thing to do is talk about why
you're
attracted to the Goth subculture. What about it resonates with you and makes you happy? This can be a bit tricky, especially if you haven't really thought about it yourself; while “Because it's cool!” and “Because I
like it!” are perfectly valid reasons, they aren't going to go very far in helping someone else understand your point of view.

(An important aside to the younger Goths reading this: telling your parents you are a Goth because “wearing black on the outside matches how I feel inside,” while perhaps true, will not reassure them in the slightest. Neither will telling them that you like freaking people out or that your friends are doing it too. You need to come up with some other, less troubling things to say, kiddos.)

The most important ideas to get across to whomever you're trying to reassure is that Goth isn't a cult and that being interested in Goth doesn't mean you're going to hurt yourself or anyone else. As the Lady of the Manners has pointed out in previous chapters, being a Goth is no more dangerous than being a fan of sports, video games, knitting, or NASCAR; we Goths just look a bit more eccentric than other people. (Only a
bit
more eccentric, when you stop to really think about it, because some of the outfits and costumes sports fans put together to show their support are
astonishing
. Face paint and tinsel wigs in team colors are some of the milder examples of fan adornment the Lady of the Manners has seen.)

Be warned: no matter how eloquently you explain Goth and what it means to you, the people you love may still not get it. The Lady of the Manners is especially sad to say this is more likely to happen to some of the younger Goths. Your parents may dismiss the whole thing as a silly and/or troubling phase. If this happens there's, sadly, not really much you can do. Whenever the topic of your gothness comes up, keep your temper as much as possible and try to avoid doing anything that you know will anger your parents. (For example, don't dye your hair shocking pink if you know they don't want you to drastically alter your
appearance.) The Lady of the Manners is not telling you to give up being a Goth—not in the slightest! Just be aware that you may not be able to express as much of your spooky nature as you want at this time. Be patient, and just keep trying to explain to your family that wearing black clothes and heavy eye makeup doesn't mean you've turned into a horrible and scary creature.

Helpful tips for convincing your parents to let you express yourself through your clothing (but don't kid yourself: the Lady of the Manners wouldn't let you wear a corset to school either)

“You are not leaving the house dressed like that.” All Goths have heard these words at one time or another in their lives, probably during their school years. For every
babybat
whose parent accepts her and says, “Sure, you can put red streaks in your hair,” there are oodles of other
gothlings
who have to plead and bargain for every scrap of spooky darkness they want to include in their clothing. Whyyyyyyyyy are your parents being so unreasonable about your turning to the dark side when you are just trying to express yourself? Maybe your parents have fallen prey to the assorted misconceptions about Goth that the media likes to keep yammering on about. Maybe it's because your
parents are worried that you'll be picked on and bullied if you look different from everyone else. Perhaps it's because your parents are a tiny bit worried that people will judge them to be bad parents if you're running around with black clothes, blue hair, and heavy makeup. (The Lady of the Manners is willing to bet at least two frilly black parasols that most parental concerns are a mixture of all of the above reasons.)

So is there anything you can do in order to reassure your silly, worried parents that it's perfectly okay for you to wear black clothes? Of course there is, and the Lady of the Manners isn't even talking about the really obvious tactics. (The really obvious tactics: do as well as you possibly can in school, do your chores around the house without whining, and try to be as much of a model “good kid” as possible. The less your parents have to complain about with regard to your general behavior, the stronger your case for permission to dress in a manner that is pleasing to you will be.)

What are the non-obvious things you can do to help your parents see that a spooky wardrobe does not equal a troubled teen?

•   Learn to sew, and show your parents that by making your own gothy clothing
  and
  accessories, you're expressing your creativity
  and
  learning very useful skills. Now, the Lady of the Manners doesn't mean that you should set out to handcraft everything you might ever want to wear; for one thing, the
  Lady of the Manners suspects that you don't have that much free time, what with school and family life and whatnot. But parents (generally) love the notion of their kids learning practical skills, which might make them a bit more willing to sigh and accept the blacker-than-black color scheme (with some stripy accents) you have adopted.
  
•   Point out that a lot of the clothing you long for can be created from garments found at thrift stores. When the Lady of the Manners was a spooky alterna-teen, her parents were delighted that she wanted to shop for her back-to-school wardrobe at the local thrift stores. Show your parents that your Goth aesthetic will save the family budget the expense of trendy mainstream fashion.
  
•   Show your parents Goth clothes that don't look like club wear or send a sexualized message. Which is why, Snarklings, the Lady of the Manners wouldn't let you wear a corset to school either. (Well, all right, if you wore the corset over a shirt that covered you from neck to waist with a nice skirt that was not a micro-mini, then the Lady of the Manners probably would let you wear a corset to school.) Yes, corsets and stockings and fishnet shirts and vinyl trousers are all interesting items of clothing; however, they all have a subtext of sexuality to them. Vinyl clothes project “S&M! Kinky weirdoes!” to many people, while corsets, stockings, and fishnet or lace clothing display one's attributes in a rather noticeable manner. While the Lady of the Manners thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those garments, she feels there is a time and a place for them and school isn't it.