George Washington Zombie Slayer (18 page)

George and Reebock continued to watch the Battle of Bunker Hill from atop the Old North Church while Poopy cleaned himself off downstairs. The fighting had gone on for nearly two full hours, and Washington could see that the pace of firing on the Colonial lines had slackened. He surmised, quite correctly, the Colonial forces were running out of ammunition during this prolonged skirmish, now nearly three hours old.

Washington heard the familiar British
zombie bugle calls and could see the zombie forces now being arranged into line of battle. Perhaps 500 zombies moved forward and advanced upon Breed’s Hill.  The musket fire was here less effective as soldiers were shooting at the chests of the attacking monsters, but the not the heads, which would have killed them. And so the zombie advance could not be stopped.

Although t
he Colonial Army had out maneuvered and out fought the British army, and inflicted great loss upon them, it was now clear that British forces would carry the day. With limited ammunition and wave after wave of zombie soldiers advancing, the Colonials were forced to retreat in good order.

“Aw, Man,” Reebock said sadly upon seeing the retreat. “I thought we had them.”

“Colonial forces fought well,” Washington replied. “But not well enough.”

It was here that Washington learned the importance of preparation
, entrenchments and geographic high-ground in battle. He also learned that long, protracted battles tended to favor the British. Washington saw also that the Americans could fight well, and the British were surprised at this. These observations would be crucial later in the war.

Since the British “held the field” at the conclusion of the fighting, they technically “won” the Battle of Bunker Hill.
  But it was a staggering loss for them in terms of officers and soldiers killed and wounded.  On the Colonial side, about 140 men were killed, with about 300 injured. But British losses were much greater, with 226 dead and over 800 wounded.  (As zombies were already recorded in secret British records as “deceased,” they could not be further killed or wounded).

In this single engagement, the British dead and wounded officers numbered 1 lieutenant colonel, 5 majors, 34 captains, 41 lieutenants, 57 sergeants, and 13 drummer boys. The Colonials also killed 3 British officer
’s butlers and a cleaning woman named Yolanda, quite by accident. Official British casualty reports also listed Sir Hippety Hoppinstance, the company rabbit who served as the British Regimental Mascot. Damage reports also listed the destruction of two cannon and the regimental fine china and tea service. Thus, the British “victory” was one replete will loss.

“The British do not seem to be following the retreat,” Washington noted
after the battle as the British regrouped. “We can head that way and link up with the Colonial forces in the morning.”

With that, Washington and Reebock, along with a freshly cleaned Poopy, made their way in pursuit of the Colonial armed forces.

    
Chapter Forty-Two

Why Americans Are Entitled to Shoot the British

A British surgeon who happened to visit a Colonial Military encampment at the start of the Revolutionary War made public comments, which were later published, saying that the Colonial soldiers were “a drunken, canting, lying, prating, hypocritical rabble without order."

At about this time, the Second Continental Congress
, with the newly elected John Hancock as its President, issued what it called "Declaration on the Causes and Necessity of Taking Up Arms.”  In the initial version, it stated that “We ignorant, drunken, American rabble” regard the British as “ignorant cocksuckers” and wish the British monarch to “go hump a goat.” In the edited later and final version, the more offensive language was replaced with the more noble phrase that the American Colonists are “resolved to die as free men rather than to live as slaves” and stating that “our cause is just.”

The thesis of the
Declaration on the “Causes and Necessity of Taking Up Arms” is that oppressed people, when sufficiently and seriously fucked with, have the right to shoot their oppressors. It’s something of a plodding and wordy document, lacking the fluidity and grace of later texts. It maintains that Americans are entitled to shoot the British as they are essentially illegal trespassers who are unjust, unfair, unreasonable, arrogant assholes. 

On the British side, General Cornwallis saw to the strategic deployment and placement of British troops. On the American side, George Washington did the same with his more limited re
sources and experience, seeing to the deployment of available troops and appointing generals and officers he could trust in key positions. Back in Philadelphia, the Continental Congress continued its work and authorized Thomas Jefferson to create a first draft of what would later be called the Declaration of Independence. Congress also appointed Benjamin Franklin as Postmaster General and appointed commissioners to negotiate peace with American Indian tribes. Further, Congress issued a proclamation urging Indians to keep the hell out of the fight and “bury the hatchet.”

Washington was immediately displeased with the provisioning of the Continental Army, noting that most so
ldiers and officers lacked boots, swords, functional weapons or even basic military uniforms. He could not differentiate officers from soldiers, or militia volunteers from regular soldiers in the Continental Army. Washington therefore ordered Continental Army officers and soldiers to wear feathers of various colors in their civilian hats to denote military rank. It was a system that at least provided for a basic organizational structure. (Although it was rumored that the soldiers of field rank who were required to wear the flaming pink feathers were highly displeased).

In August of 1775, following several skirmishes with the British,
General Washington received reliable reports of the mistreatment of American prisoners of war that had been captured by the British. Washington was outraged. He immediately sent a letter to British General Cornwallis stating his position clearly, threatening British prisoners with equal treatment:

“I shall regulate all my conduct towards those gentlemen who are or may be in our possession, exactly by the rule you shall observe towards those of ours now in your custody: if severity and hardship mark the line of your conduct, painful as it may be to me, your prisoners will feel its effects."

On the second, seldom seen page of this letter to Cornwallis, Washington offered the following post-script, in which his anger and determination were clearly visible.

“P.S
.- It saddens me most severely that the conduct between armies has devolved to this current level of unpleasantness, and it is my hope that British officers shall modify their behaviours accordingly. And I ain’t hardly shitting you, neither! You douchebags had better start treating our prisoners fairly or you better watch your asses!”

Chapter 43

Washington Reconnoiters

In early 1776, George Washington was presented with a difficult problem. He had an army significantly smaller than the British army that now occupied Boston, and he had a Second Continental Congress that was eager for him to attack Boston and retake the city. At the moment, these were irreconcilable differences. 

After a careful review of the topography of the Boston area, he developed an idea and decided to reconnoiter the “high ground” around Boston with Reebock.  R
iding up to Dorchester Heights with his aide, Washington saw only a collection of 20 or so zombies left on an isolated rock outcropping called Lechmere Point.  These zombies, Washington supposed, were meant to deter Colonials from approaching, while the steep embankment on all sides prevented the zombies from leaving.

“Here is your chance,” General Washington said to Reebok from their position about ten yards away, on a hill just below and across from the zombies.

“Yes, right,” Reebock replied.

“Take them out
,” Washington ordered.

Yeah…I mean…WHAT?” Reebock replied.

“I’m ordering you to dislodge that enemy force and seize that position,” Washington said to his aide.

“But, there
’s something like 20 of dem, mon!” Reebock replied excitedly.

“Yes,” Washington agreed. “Now do your duty, Private. And remember, aim for the head.” Washington
handed Reebock a musket with bayonet attached, as well as powder and shot.

Reebock carefully l
oaded his musket as Washington had taught him and then stealthfully began the climb up the steep slope to where the zombies were congregated. When he reached the summit, still unseen by the creatures, Reebock took a deep breath and then charged right at the closest zombie.

“Die you mother fuckers!” Reebock shouted stabbing the closest zombie in the head with his bayonet. He shot a second
zombie in the head, killing it. But the remaining 18 creatures all turned toward him as one, snarling and growling. Reebock killed a third and a fourth zombie with a thrust of his bayonet but the remaining 16 closed in faster than he could repel them and he was soon surrounded. With perhaps a second to spare before being bitten and eaten, Reebock jumped off the overlook and tumbled painfully down twenty foot slope to land hard at the feet of George Washington.

“Dat hurt, mon,” Reebock admitted as he stood and wiped the dirt from his uniform. “I got four of them.”
The remaining zombies stood above on the steep outcropping, still snarling and chomping as they looked down at the meal they had just lost.
              “Yes, four,” Washington replied. “That was courageous,” he added, “and stupid.”

“Stupid?” Reebock asked. “But you told me to charge up and-“

“No,” Washington interrupted. “I ordered you to dislodge them and seize that position.”

“That’s what I tried to do!” Reebock replied.

“No,” Washington answered. “You charged right into them. Who told you do to that? I ordered you to dislodge them.”  Washington frowned. “Dislodge means remove. Do you realize that we are within musket range of these zombies from right where we stand? Reload your musket.”

Reebock did as the General asked and in
under 30 seconds his musket was loaded.

“Good,” Washington said. “You did that fast. Now take aim and level your musket, and then fire.”

Reebock took careful aim at the closet zombie up on the hill, took a deep breath, and then gently squeezed the trigger. The musket ball shot forth in an explosive flash of powder and smoke and struck the zombie in the center of its forehead, ending its existence. George Washington did the same with his own musket and fired, with identical results.

“See there?” Washington said. “We killed two of them at
no
risk to ourselves.”

Reebock reloaded and took aim again and fired, and killed
another zombie. And another. And another. Washington did the same as his slave, firing and eliminating zombie after zombie. Before long, the hilltop was covered with 20 motionless, rotting zombie corpses.

“Well done,” Washington said.”
That’s the best way to kill zombies if you’re able to do so, with minimal risk.”

From behind them suddenly c
ame the sound of breaking branches and crunching leaves and grass. Reebock spun about and leveled his musket in that direction, thinking more zombies were upon them. Washington reached out with his left arm and pushed Reebock’s musket downward and away from the noise.

Suddenly through the bushes came about twenty Continental Army soldiers, all bearing ropes pulled taught, and hauling up two medium sized cannon behind t
hem. Reebock smiled when he saw the cannon, which were now to be smartly placed upon the hilltop they had just cleared. Washington directed his men to set up the cannon upon the overlook above, and to aim them at the British occupied city of Boston down below.  They all knew that, from this height and location, they were well within artillery range of the city.

“Why attack and fight your enemy hand to hand?” Washington asked. “From here, we can attack him from a distance.
With minimal risk to ourselves.”

Washington smiled broadly, as he had not done for some time.

“Prepare to fire” he commanded.

Chapter 44

George Washington Retakes Boston

General Lord Cornwallis sat happily in a comfy chair across from Smithers in the parlor of a Boston home that he had recently “appropriated” for use as his personal headquarters. He had arrested and then executed the home’s legitimate owner, who now had the distinguishing honor of serving as a zombie in His Majesty’s Army. Cornwallis was contentedly drinking his tea and sampling a box of small round pastries called donuts, indigenous to North America, which were just this morning confiscated as contraband from a local Boston baker, who was also executed.

“I say, Smithers,” Cornwallis said to his assistant. “These Jelly donuts are a remarkably delicious creation. It’s encouraging that such rabble as these Colonials can produce at least something that’s pleasing to the palate. I’m so sick of their repulsive turkey dinners and disgusting corn on the cob.”

“Indeed so,” Smithers replied.  “Shall I fetch you another donut, General?” Smithers asked.

“Oh, perhaps just one more jelly donut would do the trick,” the chubby Cornwallis replied, before being handed his sixth jelly donut.

Both men were suddenly startled by the sound of a distant explosion, and a much closer impact, then another concussion, and another impact. Cornwallis rose immediately and, after brushing off the donut powder from his uniform, went over to the window with his spyglass in hand.  From there he spied a sight that made him angry and upset.

“God damn him,” Cornwallis growled angrily after observing George Washington in his resplendent red, white and blue uniform, standing in the distant high ground upon Lechmere Point with two cannon, firing cannonballs right into the heart of the British occupied city.  Cornwallis was no fool, and immediately knew the strategical disadvantage which he now faced.

“Convene my Council of War,” Cornwallis barked to Smithers. “Inform them we shall be evacuating the city of Boston and leaving by ship immediately.”

“Sir?” Smithers questioned, aghast.

“With that asshole Washington in possession of the high ground,” Cornwallis explained, “We will have no way by which to adequately defend our position here in Boston. We shall therefore withdraw all regular and zombie forces …to the harbor of Halifax.”

“Halifax?” Smithers asked.

“Yes, it’s not too far away,” Cornwallis explained. “And Washington and his rabble will have no idea where we’re heading. Or from where we shall reappear. It will put them in a panic, and force them to guess from where our next attack will come. They will therefore have to redeploy their troops from here to New York, dangerously thinning their forces.”

“Very good, Sir” Smithers replied.

“If Washington thinks he has achieved a victory here in Boston,” Cornwalis said.  “He will soon realize just how costly that victory has been.”