“You could’ve said something before we left about doing that,” Lance mumbled.
“Didn’t know if it would still be clear,” Ian shrugged. “Jen’s dad has been to the cabin hunting before, so that’s all I put in the note.”
Pressing the pedal, Lance fed the engine fuel until he saw the speedometer at twenty-five. “Don’t take the turn fast,” Jennifer said behind him.
“Hey, no backseat driving,” Lance snapped as the GPS reminded him about the turn. “God damn it, woman, you don’t think I see it?” Lance shouted at the GPS as a stinky walked out into the road. “Play chicken with me. I fucking dare ya!”
Thump
sounded as the Hummer plowed over the stinky. “You warned the asshole,” Ian said, grinning, as Lance slowed to a stop at the stop sign, and the woman told him to turn left. “Lance, you don’t have to stop; just slow down.”
“The sign says, ‘STOP,’” Lance said, pushing the accelerator.
“We don’t have to follow the rules of the road, buddy. You don’t have a license, we are all underage with weapons, in a vehicle that isn’t ours, loaded with shit we can’t prove is ours, and we have stinkers trying to eat our asses. If a cop pulls us over, we shoot his ass like in Grand Theft Auto.”
“One point two miles, make a left turn,” the GPS said as Lance held the speedometer at twenty-five. “Okay, you have a point,” Lance said, seeing stinkers moving toward the road.
Jennifer looked around and noticed them coming from everywhere. “When we drove over to Doug’s house, this many didn’t come out.”
“Ah, Jennifer, the Hummer makes a lot more noise than Dad’s truck,” Lance said, weaving around a car that had crashed into a parked car beside the road.
“It doesn’t sound that loud in here,” she said as Lance hit a stinky kid that trotted out in front of them. Jennifer watched the kid sail through the air and do two complete flips then hit the ground.
Lance grinned. “It’s a Hummer, but it has style.” He saw a fire truck in the ditch at the front of the subdivision. A telephone pole and the metal phone distribution box was buried in the front of the fire truck. “That’s the asshole that knocked out our power and phones.”
“How can you tell?” Jennifer asked, and Lance pointed toward the right down the road to another subdivision, and she could see lights. “Oh.”
“Left turn,” the GPS said.
“Bitch, you need to chill,” Lance said, hitting his blinker, and the light almost shut his goggles down again. Pressing the accelerator as he turned off the blinker, Lance pulled out on the road.
“We are out of the neighborhood,” Ian sang out, and everyone cheered.
“Seven point two miles, right turn,” the GPS said.
Ian looked at the GPS. “That bitch is going to get old.”
Feeling the Hummer swerve, Ian looked up to see Lance move around a wreck. “Can’t people wreck off the damn road?” Lance snapped and drove over a crawling stinker.
“You could’ve went around it,” Jennifer said.
“Hell no. I bet he’s the one who caused that wreck and made me have to swerve around the wreck. That bitch isn’t going to brag to his buddies now.”
“These tires look really big, and I don’t want to have to change one,” Jennifer mumbled.
Ian glanced back. “Oh, one weighs more than we do, so that wouldn’t be possible. It took Uncle Doug and Jason to put the things on.”
“They have a run flat core,” Lance snapped. “If you don’t like my driving, you can walk.”
“I was just saying, geesh,” Jennifer moaned.
“Can we put the snowman in?” Allie asked.
“No because I’m driving and can’t deal with building a snowman song right now,” Lance said, seeing a cluster of stinkers ahead.
“Hey dude, that looks like a dozen easy,” Ian said, putting his hands on the dash and bracing for impact. “What about the airbags?”
“They’re turned off.” Lance grinned, not taking his foot off the accelerator. “Get out of the road!” he yelled as the bumper hit the first ones, sending them flying. The Hummer gave little shudders as it plowed over the group and bounced over bodies. “I think I’m going to like driving,” Lance said, glancing in the mirror outside his door for just a second then looked straight ahead.
Relaxing his body, Ian looked over at Lance. Lance was bent over the steering wheel, clutching it with both hands in intense concentration. “You can relax and drive,” Ian said, sitting back in his seat.
“The bitch may change directions on me just to make me mad,” Lance said, nodding toward the GPS.
Ian looked at the screen, seeing the back end of a car driving down the road. “She can’t change directions unless we tell her.”
“I don’t trust the sassy bitch.”
They drove over the Cumberland River and had to weave around two wrecks on the bridge, which did nothing to improve Lance’s mood. “Ruff,” Dino huffed a low bark as they passed a group of stinkers trying to get at a house sitting just off the road.
“Dino, enough. I saw them, and they were off the road,” Lance mumbled.
Leaning over, Ian saw the speedometer holding at forty-five and looked down to see Lance holding his foot on the accelerator. Looking back up, Ian saw Lance was sweating, and it felt nice in the Hummer. “You can use the cruise control.”
“Isn’t that what you turned on when you crashed through your garage?” Lance asked, not turning away from the road.
“No,” Ian huffed. “I hit the plus button on the cruise control not knowing it meant speed up. I thought it was for how many feet you wanted the car to pull up.” Jennifer slapped her hand over her mouth so she wouldn’t laugh out loud.
“I’m not going to trust it,” Lance said in a grunt. “It might not give me control back when I want it like on those space movies. They push the computer to take them home, and it takes them to the other side of the universe.”
Ahead, Ian saw a figure walking on the side of the road and from the walk alone could tell it was a stinky. As they got closer, he saw it was missing half an arm. “You still have to steer, Lance,” he said as Lance coasted over to the side of the road. Ian threw his hand up and grabbed the “oh shit” handle as the front bumper hit the stinky in the back, sending him flying.
“You kneel when you see the ‘Mighty Hummer’ coming!” Lance shouted as he eased back on the road. “No, Ian, if I hit cruise, it might take steering away, so I’ll just drive,” Lance said, concentrating very hard on the road.
Ian kept a firm grasp on the handle. “How many of those pills did you take?” He reached up, turning on the air conditioner to high as sweat started beading on his face.
“Only one,” Lance said as Ian reached down, pulling the bottle up from the floor. He shook one out and swallowed it. Shaking another out, he turned to Lance.
“Open your mouth,” Ian said. Unconsciously, Lance obeyed, and Ian tossed it in, and Lance gagged.
“What was that?” he asked, never taking his eyes off the road.
“A ‘go’ pill,” Ian said, closing the bottle.
“Why the hell did you shove it down my throat?”
“You opened your mouth!”
“No I didn’t,” Lance snapped. “It’s stuck; I need some water.”
Jennifer leaned forward, holding a bottle of water beside Lance. Lance just kept both hands on the steering wheel. “Lance, here’s the water.”
“Where?” he asked, not taking his eyes off the road or hands off the steering wheel.
“Beside you,” Jennifer sighed, and Ian took the bottle and took the cap off.
Lance barely glanced over then snapped his head forward. “I don’t see it.”
“Straw,” Ian said, holding his hand back.
“Are you kidding?” Jennifer huffed and dug in the bag of food and got one of the straws the girls used.
“He’s not taking his hands off the steering wheel,” Ian said as she passed the straw up. Ian leaned over. “Open your mouth, and drink from the straw.”
As Lance sucked down the bottle, Ian could see Lance was almost drenched in sweat even with the green glow of the night vision. “Thank you,” Lance said when he finished the bottle.
“Right turn ahead,” the GPS unit said.
“Ah ha,” Lance shouted. “You didn’t give me the warnings for the turn ahead, did you, bitch! But you won’t surprise me, whore!”
Ian dropped the empty bottle. “Man, this is going to be a long trip.”
Taking his foot off the accelerator, Lance turned the Hummer onto a small, blacktop road that turned to dirt a mile further. “See, the bitch didn’t even tell me the road was going to turn to dirt!”
“Right turn four point six miles ahead,” the GPS said, and Ian pulled out his map.
“I think you hurt her feelings,” he said, looking at the map. With all the lines a different shade of black in the night vision goggles, Ian found where they were.
“She’s trying to fuck with me,” Lance hissed. “But I’m on to the skanky whore.”
“What’s a skanky whore?” Carrie asked.
“The bitch inside that GPS unit sitting on the dashboard,” Lance snapped. Hearing Carrie take a breath to ask more, Jennifer reached over, covered Carrie’s mouth, and shook her head.
Jennifer leaned over, whispering, “Lance can’t talk and drive.”
Ian looked over at the radio and thought better of it then looked around at the countryside. “Wonder if they are having troubles out here in the country?”
“Why wouldn’t they?” Jennifer asked, taking her hand off Carrie’s mouth.
He waved his hand across the window. “Hello, no people to get sick.”
“The news you pulled up said everywhere,” Jennifer said, looking at a farm house way off the road and thought living in the country might not have been so bad.
“Well, I’m looking at the houses, and I don’t see stinkers running around. Pac Man hasn’t hit one since we got on the dirt road.”
“Right turn ahead,” the GPS announced, and Lance slowed down. “That isn’t a turn; it’s a back track,” he said, looking at the sharp turn.
“Skanky whore,” Carrie sang out.
“You tell her, Carrie!” Lance shouted, taking the turn slow, and Dino looked out Jennifer’s window and let a low growl out.
Turning to her window, Jennifer saw an old woman and young man trotting at them. “Stinkers my side,” she said, looking at the door to make sure it was locked.
“Get your asses in front of me, bitches; I fucking dare ya!” Lance shouted, looking in his side mirror and seeing the trailer slide off the road as he made the turn. Tapping the accelerator, the Hummer lurched forward and gave a jerk as the trailer popped back on the road.
“Was that them hitting us?” Ian asked, getting worried.
“Hell no,” Lance snapped as the two started hitting Jennifer’s and Ian’s windows. “The trailer slid off the road, and I had to pull it back up.”
“Can we go now?” Ian asked, looking at the old woman stinker trying to bite his window.
“Sure,” Lance said, tapping the accelerator. He steered toward the ditch then yanked the wheel the other way. Everyone felt the trailer give two tugs as it ran over the stinkers.
“Are we there yet?” Jennifer said, clutching her chest and feeling her heart racing.
“Hey, I’m driving here,” Lance snapped and pressed the accelerator.
“That was cool how you made the trailer take them out,” Ian chuckled.
Glancing down once a second until the speedometer hit forty-five, Lance leaned back over the steering wheel. “I just figured out I can make the trailer swing wider than me on that turn.”
“They never knew what hit them.” Ian grinned, looking down at the map. “I just hope that was the sharpest turn we have.”
“Get the fuck out of my way!” Lance bellowed, making Ian throw the map up and brace for impact. Ahead, he saw two cows standing in the middle of the road.
“Dude, don’t even hit those. They will fuck up our ride, and we are walking!”
“No shit, Sherlock. I remembered my dad hit one in his old Chevy thirty-five hundred, and that cow totaled it. This Hummer only weighs a thousand pounds more,” Lance said, slowing down and eased up, tapping one of the cows with the bumper. “Move it, Bessy, or we eat hamburger!”
“You love this Hummer entirely too much,” Ian mumbled as the cow stopped after the last nudge and looked over her shoulder. She wiggled her ears at the blacked-out Hummer. “That isn’t a wise thing to do, Bessy.”
“WHORE!” Lance screamed and hit the accelerator. With a heave, the Hummer leapt forward, hitting the cow in the ass with a deep thump, shaking the vehicle. The cow stumbled across the road sideways as Lance hit the brake, and the cow fell into the ditch.
The other cow trotted off the road, bellowing a moo. “What did you say to me, cocksucker?!” Lance yelled, turning the steering wheel toward the ditch and stomping the accelerator, driving toward the running cow.
“Lance!” Ian screamed, and Lance hit the brake. Ian looked down the ditch. “I think the cow said sorry for her buddy and ran away because you are so awesome,” he panted, feeling lightheaded from his heart vibrating in his chest.
“Oh shit,” Lance said, turning the steering wheel and guiding the Hummer down the dirt road. “My bad!” Lance shouted toward the running cows.
“Just a thought, but how about anything that gets off the road we don’t chase down?” Ian offered, putting a hand on his chest and feeling his heart fluttering.