Forgive Me (2 page)

              That was almost ten years ago.

              Currently, we're on our very first flight back to that dreadful place. And I'm terrified.

              Why did it take me so long to go back home, you ask? Well, I hate my parents.

              My mom has never even asked what I named my son, and my father hasn't spoken two words to me since I left. My two younger sisters are still spoiled rotten. One is a senior in high school, the other her first year in college- both with brand new cars, bank accounts, and the best of the best of everything else. My brothers are both married and have full time jobs. At least I communicate with the two of them in email, but that is about it.

              My mom though, she is sick. Very sick. Less than a month to live, according to my grandmother. And although I shouldn't care, I do. I have a heart. Always have, always will. I'll never understand her sending me away the way she did, I'll never understand her not wanting to be part of her grandson's life, but she is my mom. So I'm heading home to pay her my last dues. I'll stay until the funeral. I've worked it out with my job to get the time off, and since it's summer, I don't have to worry about my son missing any school.

              I could have used her help during my pregnancy and the first few years of raising my child. Heck, I was still a child myself. My grandmother did the best she could, but she worked full time and had a life. She got me through the basics and helped me with transportation until I could drive. I've done it all myself, and it hasn't been easy. Which probably explains why I'm nick named
Satin
at work. But I get things done, don't take crap from anyone, and am looking to become a partner at the office.

              To prove my inability of being a mother at such a young age, here are a few facts you should know. I named my son Justin because of my obsession with N*Sync. He didn't get his first hair cut until right before his second birthday, because I couldn't afford a visit to the salon and was terrified of using clippers on him. He was potty trained by sixteen months because I couldn't afford diapers- which isn't always a bad thing. Except, he had horrid diaper rashes from sitting in them so long. His first doctor’s visit was at two weeks, his second was at his first birthday, missing five appointments in between.

              Yeah, it was rough. More for him than me.

              But I lived and learned and grew up. I've become one hell of a mom. He gets everything he needs, a lot that he wants, he is in all sports possible, passes every class in school, and hardly ever misses a day. He is healthy as a horse, happy as can be, has a great group of friends, and I'm someone he can come to about anything.

              So although things were rough, and I had to pay for the mistake I made, I wouldn't change things. I love my son more than life itself, I love him more than anyone or anything.

              He has asked about his dad. I told him the truth. I don't lie to my son. The biggest lies he ever heard from me were things about Santa and the Tooth fairy, or those other silly white lies, like a kiss will heal most bumps and bruises. He had wanted to meet his dad when he was younger, but he has grown accustomed to it being the two of us. Well, and Nan.

              Nan is what we both call my grandmother. She has been a lifesaver with a lot, and we both use her as someone to lean on. She took us in when she didn't have any reason to do so, and for that, I'll always be grateful.

              I was terrified to tell Zander, and as each year passes by, the more terrified I've become. I don't even use social networks, nervous he'll find me and find out about the truth. I don't want him to hate me more than he probably already does.

              More than I hate myself.

              I'm thankful Justin understands, and doesn't hound me to meet his father. Or hasn't I should say. Because now that we are on our way back to Arlington, Texas, he has asked me a million and five times if he can please finally meet his father.

              And I finally said yes.

              The plane lands and of course we're not greeted with anyone from my so-called family. No surprise there.

              I flag down a cab outside the airport and together we make the trip to the home I spent the first half of my life. A place I could go the rest of my life never entering, yet here I am, on my way there now.

              Arriving outside the two story brick home, with a white picket fence, I'm immediately filled with hatred. For many reasons. One being the fact this place looks like a family home, but we were no family at all. The fact there are five cars in the driveway but no one could come pick me up. Another being, I'm already sick of being back in Texas, it's too hot. I'm used to Ohio now. Those are just a few things.

              I glance over to where Bray used to live. No cars are in the driveway. I'd like to see her again, see how she has been, what she has been up to. Knowing her and the way she was, she is probably married to some rich oil tycoon with two kids, a dog, and servants at her beck and call. She seemed the type.

              With a huff and a puff, I drag my feet along, Justin in tow. Our bags and belongings piled in our arms or over our shoulders. I arrive at the door and use my foot to knock, since I'm unable to use my hands currently. The door opens to a man that looks like a much older version of my dad.

              Instead of a greeting, he pulls a bag out of my arms, opens the door wider, and gestures for us to enter. He looks down at Justin and gives him a tight smile, nothing more.

              I walk directly into the kitchen where both my brothers, a sister-in-law I've never met, and my sister, Torin, all are. I smile and place my bags down.

              Clay, my oldest brother comes over and wraps me in his arms. "You look like such a lady! It's good to see you again!" He squeezes me tight and actually makes me feel welcomed. It's a wonderful feeling.

              Next is Gunner to hug me. "Good seeing you baby sis, it's been too long." And my heart swells just a bit more.

              Torin doesn't even look up from her cell phone, so I say, "hey Tor." She looks up and smiles before continuing typing away. No hello, nothing.

              My sister-in-law, who I assume is Faith, smiles at me. When she talks, it's with the cutest southern accent. I guess I need to get used to everyone’s accents again, mine has nearly disappeared. "Hi, it's nice to finally put a face to the name and emails." She looks down at Justin, who is nearly my height now. "And who might you be?" She glances back at me with a questioning look.

              It surprises me she doesn't know.

              "Hi, I'm Justin" he says with a giant grin. He is a bit shy and very anxious.

              My dad finally walks in and stares at my son like he is an alien. Everyone goes quiet. I'm not sure who this situation makes feel the most awkward, but the tension is so thick in this room, you could probably taste it. He turns and leaves without another word. I look at Clay and shrug. "Guess I'll be spending my time here in a hotel."

              "Don't be ridiculous, we have guest rooms," he claims. I smile.

              Gunner clears his throat and I realize everyone is glancing at Justin. I don't understand why everyone feels so awkward about him, but I go ahead and introduce him, hoping it'll somehow ease the unnecessary tension. "Hey everyone, this is my son Justin." I put my arms around his shoulders. "Justin, this is your Uncle Gunner, Uncle Clay, Aunt Torin, and Aunt... Faith?"

              She simply nods her head.

              The silence is deafening. Everyone just thinks of what to say. It's Clay who breaks the ice when he walks over and wraps Justin in a tight hug. "Nice to meet you Justin."

              Faith is next, then Gunner. Torin looks at him and smirks before looking back down. Yup, still the selfish brat.

              We all chat a little, sans Torin, and my brothers ask Justin all about school. What sports he plays, how he likes school, if he has a girlfriend, and so on. The basics. The things that an uncle should know. I'm asked about work and Nan, and I ask about their jobs and lives. It's basic but it's nice. I'm happy. It's more than I could have expected.

              Dinner time gets closer and Clay asks if we want to head to their house. I agree.

              I don't bother saying bye to my dad.

              Clay and Faith's home is very nice. It's a ranch home with a small barn in the back, a fence covering most of their land. A few horses are roaming the fields, looking gorgeous in the setting sun. I nearly itch myself, having horseback riding withdrawals. It's been so long.

              Faith is kind enough to show Justin and I the spare rooms. I'm surprised the two of them don't have any kids, their house looks ready to have a few growing children running around. I take the room on the right of the hall, Justin on the left. I have a futon to sleep on, where he has a full bed, dresser, and television. I have a computer, that is all. But its all I need.

              During dinner, Faith asks Justin a few more questions, pretty basic. I like her, she is sweet. She has changed my brother from a raging man-whore, to a well respective man. It's a nice change, one that I enjoy. It already seems like we can be siblings finally, and I like that, a lot.

              Once we're done eating, Justin takes a shower and passes out. It's been a long couple days for him. I sit in the living room with my brother and Faith, watching some television, something I don't get to do too often. My schedule is usually pretty hectic and if I get time to relax, it's with a book and glass of wine.

              "Any boyfriends?" Faith asks with googly eyes.

              I laugh. "No, definitely not. I don't have time for that."

              She pouts out her lip. "That is no fun! You need a little action once in a while."

              Once again she makes me laugh, even more so when Clay slaps her with a throw pillow.

              "That is my little sister you know. I don't need to hear that kind of talk."

              She ignores him and asks if I'd like to have something to drink. I ask for wine and she rolls her eyes. When she walks back in it's with a beer. "Girl, you're back in Texas. I don't got none of that wine, but I got plenty of ice cold beer. Here." I take it from her, not wanting to argue. I've never even had a taste of beer before, not that I'd admit that right.

              I take a few sips and do my best not to grimace. I don't do very good job though, as Clay bursts into laughter. "Not too fond of beer sis?" Is it okay to admit I enjoy him calling me
sis
?

              I shake my head. "No, not at all, but I'll give it a go."

              As I sip on beer, the conversation continues. A conversation I haven't wanted to have, but it doesn't seem to matter what I want. "So no lover boy means you have no reason to stay in Ohio. Come back home, we miss you. We want to get to know you and our... nephew." He sort of stumbles on the word, but manages to give me a real smile.

              "Yeah, about that. It'd be nice to get close to you and Gunner, and Faith of course, and I know it'd be good for Justin. I just have an incredible job with even better pay, and a life I've built. I can't just up and move back here."

              "What about..." Faith looks to me, then Clay, then back to me. "Justin's father?"

              She takes a sip, acting nervous. Probably regretting asking something so personal. I admit, my heart hammers a little in my chest. I wanted to avoid this topic with anyone as long as possible.

              "Uh, what about him?" This time, I take a sip.

              "I know it's not my business, but what happened with you two? Is he in Justin's life still?"

              I look to Clay and he sits back in the chair, feet crossed, watching our conversation with zero input.

              And a foregone conclusion just hit me.

I'm honestly thinking mom told no one. Maybe not even dad. I showed up and completely dumbfounded everyone. I've always wondered why the emails never consisted of asking about him. I sort of assumed everyone swept him under the rug. One of those things that if you don't see it, it doesn't exist. That wasn't the case at all though. I'm not sure who is more surprised, me or them.

              I give a hard laugh before finishing my beer, sort of getting used to the taste. "Please don't pass judgment, but his father doesn't know about him... yet." I take a long pause as they both swallow hard. "In the next month, he'll know" I add.

              "Oh, wow, um," Faith stutters as Clay seems to be still figuring things out in his head.

              "How old is he exactly?" Clay finally asks with narrowed eyes. Not eyes like he is mad, eyes like he is on the brink of something.

              I smile, a little shy as I answer. "He turned nine back in April. I was three months pregnant when mom sent me packing, never to return." I can't help the hardness in my voice.