Forever With You (Silver State Series) (37 page)

Les and I sit on the edge of the pool, while the girls hang onto the ledge, sunk up to their shoulders in the shallow water.  I try to follow their conversation, but it’s hard when I’m so obsessed with watching Tawny’s every move.  It isn’t because I’m paranoid for her safety, either – it’s because she’s ridiculously sexy, and I couldn’t stop watching her even if I wanted to, which I clearly don’t.  It’s a wonder she can’t
feel
my gaze on her, the way my eyes have been boring into her.  It’s driving me insane not being able to go over there and just put my hands on her.

Sometime later I watch her hoist herself out of the pool again and walk over to her lounge chair to pat herself dry with one of the fluffy white hotel towels.  When she drops the towel and starts walking toward the door, I stand up and make some awkward excuse about needing to use the restroom, which seems to be where Tawny is headed.  I bide my time waiting for her to re-emerge by sipping on a glass of lemonade from the cantina; as soon as I see her walk out of the restroom, I slip inside the lobby, catching her in an alcove just inside the door.

“How’re you doing?” I ask her, pressing my fingers into the palm of her hand.  She seems a little shell-shocked, but it’s probably because I just blindsided her.

“I’m fine,” she replies, her tone tight and unreadable.  I wait, but she doesn’t say anymore, so I let my instincts kick in – and around Tawny Read, that always leads to touching in some way. 

I lay my right palm flat against the wall above her shoulder and lean in, smelling the chlorine on her skin.  I move my mouth closer to her ear and drop my voice.  “You have
no idea
what you look like, do you?”  I use my left hand to grip her hip and press my thumb into the hoop in her swimsuit bottoms, brushing it against the smooth skin ordinarily covered by her underwear.  She gasps a little at my touch, causing my heart rate to increase and my eyes to zero in on her mouth – her lips are blue and trembling slightly, almost as if they’re begging to be kissed.  I dig my fingers lightly into the back of her hip as I draw her damp body up against mine and fasten my lips to hers.  Meanwhile, she clings to my shoulder as if she’s afraid she’ll fall if she lets go.

After a minute Tawny turns her head, breaking our kiss.  I drop my head and try to get my labored breathing back in check, hoping I haven’t overstepped my bounds.  I continue to squeeze her hip, unwilling to let her go.

“I have to go,” she whispers finally, then she slips free of my grasp.

Tawny – 6:00 PM

V
ivian and I decided to order room service for dinner.  After placing the call with our orders, Viv left to run downstairs and check her email with promises to be back before the food arrives.  She’s gone out of her way to be a supportive friend today, but truthfully I’m glad for the moment of solitude.

As I stretch my legs out on the bed and rest my head back against the headboard, I re-analyze the conversation I heard earlier among Macary and her two friends.  Kyle had assured me there was nothing but friendship between him and Macary, but evidently they had only recently
made out
– in a
hot tub
.  That doesn’t sound like just friendship to me.

It isn’t as if it should matter – and it wouldn’t if I hadn’t just made out with Kyle myself this morning –
in his bed
.  I mean, Kyle owes me nothing.  It isn’t as if I have grounds to be angry with him for dating Macary, or having sex with her, or whatever else might be between them.  But why would he lie to me about it?  This only serves to highlight the reason I decided I couldn’t be with him last fall – turns out I’m not good at being just one of many women in a man’s life.  And really, in light of everything that happened last night, the fact Kyle continues to play these kinds of games just makes his dishonesty that much more of a slap in the face.  I was vulnerable, I let my guard down – and he was all too happy to use my weakness to his advantage.  In a lot of ways, Kyle is guilty of many of the same things as Aiden.  God, I’m such a fool.

When Vivian returns we eat our food while lying in bed watching a movie on HBO.  Afterward we go for a walk outside, by this time grasping at straws for any way to delay the inevitable – packing to go home.

Once we’re back in our room Vivian begins hurling things haphazardly into her suitcase while I sit on the bed watching.  After a few minutes she says, “You’re awfully quiet over there.  What’s on your mind?”

“I was thinking – now, hear me out… Maybe I should go try and talk to Aiden tonight.”

“
What?!
”  She stops what she’s doing and whirls around to look at me like I’ve just told her I want to move to Antarctica.

I hold my hands up in defense.  “Trust me, it’s the last thing I want to do – but let’s face it, I’m going to be forced into close quarters with him tomorrow; we’ll all be traveling together all day.  Don’t you think it’d be less awkward for everyone involved if I just got it over with?”

Vivian studies me, her expression inscrutable.  Finally she drops the shirt she’s been holding since I shocked her into seething silence and walks over to my bed.  She climbs up next to me and puts her arms around my shoulders.  “All right…” she concedes.  “I guess there’s no use putting it off – but if you’re going over there, then I’m coming, too.”

I smile.  “All right, Viv.  Let’s go do this.”

Chapter 32 – Back to Reality

Friday, March 24

Tawny – 9:30 AM

T
he six of us are sitting at our gate, waiting to board our flight back to Reno via Phoenix.  We look like zombies; Logan and Christie have gone off in search of caffeine while the rest of us wait in worn out silence.  It isn’t even that early, but we all had to be up much earlier than we’ve become accustomed to over the past few days.

My talk with Aiden last night went about as poorly as expected.  He pleaded and groveled and apologized profusely, but I think I did a pretty decent job of standing my ground.  Vivian, meanwhile, spent the entire time biting down on her tongue to keep from jumping in and fighting my battles for me.  Aiden wasn’t happy about her being there, but she was pretty clear he didn’t have a say in the matter, and I agreed with her.  Eventually his sadness turned to anger, and he accused me of running off with another
guy
; of course, this was news to Vivian, but thankfully I’d revealed just enough of that side of the story to keep her from asking questions.  I assured Aiden nothing had happened between the two of us.  I could feel a knife twisting in my chest as I said it, knowing not only had nothing happened, but nothing ever
would
.

Today he seems to be moving along in the cycle of grief with which I became so intimately acquainted during my various cancer support group meetings.  He moved quickly past Denial and Anger, fleetingly into the Bargaining stage, and now he’s sitting squarely in Depression.  Of course things are still highly uncomfortable between us, but I can imagine they would’ve been a whole lot worse if we hadn’t already had the discussion we both knew was coming.

Kyle – 4:30 PM

T
oday’s flights went
much
more smoothly than Monday’s.  This time I actually managed to get some sleep while we were in the air – but when I wasn’t sleeping, there was only one thing on my mind.  I’d wondered whether Tawny would be on our flight back, but no such luck.

I can’t stop thinking about yesterday in the lobby.  I’d kissed Tawny, and she’d definitely kissed me back – but other than that, her reaction to me had been lukewarm at best.  I wish I could figure out why.  It isn’t as if we had an audience.  I question whether maybe I came on too strong – maybe the way I caught her off-guard caused her to associate the situation with what happened with Aiden.  I quickly discarded that theory, though, when I again thought of her physical response to me.  I could tell she wanted me, just as plainly as I could when we were in bed yesterday morning.  So what made her freeze up and run away?

I can only think of one answer to that question – even if it isn’t something I
want
to believe.  It’s the same reason she quit answering my calls last fall, but then fell into a relationship with somebody else.  There doesn’t seem to be any doubt Tawny is attracted to me; the trouble is, for whatever reason, I don’t seem like boyfriend material to her. 

Eight or nine months ago I wouldn’t have balked at her assessment – it’s true I’d never been all that interested in long term relationships.  I’m sure there are plenty of psychologists out there who could pinpoint specific parts of my past and tell you exactly
why
I am the way I am, but really the reason matters very little.  I had a few “girlfriends” in high school, but that was only because the high school culture demanded that we put labels on our relationships in order for anything sexual to be considered remotely socially acceptable.  That was a constraint that dissipated in college; labels were suddenly rendered for the most part unnecessary.

But like it or not, somewhere along the line my disdain for relationships changed.  Tawny Read may only be interested in sex where I’m concerned, but for me it’s about so much more than that.  It sucks that I couldn’t get my head out of my ass long enough to put two and two together before she cut out on me, but eventually I came to grips with my true feelings for Tawny – and my conviction that I’ve fallen hard for a girl for the first time in my life has only grown stronger over the past few days.

It bears asking, even if I had figured it out in time, would it have made a difference?  What if I’d poured out my heart to Tawny, only to have her say “Thanks, but no thanks”?  The way she acted yesterday afternoon, the idea that she may have said just that looms ever more plausible.  Maybe she was upset because, even though I may be capable of kissing her senseless and making her forget her own name, she was somehow reminded of her belief that I’ll never be what she needs me to be.

This is what hurts the most – because she’s at least a little bit
right
.  She
is
too good for me.  That realization doesn’t do much to alleviate my anger, though.  I mean, I may have fucked up a few times, yeah – everyone makes mistakes – but the fact remains I would do just about anything to be
exactly
the kind of guy Tawny thinks she needs.  It’s just too bad she’ll never give me that chance.

Chapter 33 – Tip-Off  

Saturday & Sunday, April 8-9

Tawny – Saturday, 5:30 PM

“
O
h God, can’t we just cancel the wedding?” Rhiannon moans; she sounds so pitiful through the phone line.  “I still wanna get married, but I’d take a courthouse wedding over this bullshit any day of the week.”

I chuckle sympathetically, because I know where she’s coming from.  The wedding is only a month away, and our mother has been frantic making last minute arrangements – it’s no wonder it’s finally beginning to wear on my easygoing sister.  She called me a few minutes ago to vent after getting off the phone with Mom, who was freaking out about the florist ordering the wrong kind of votive candle holders for the tables at the reception.

“All right, I’ll make you a deal,” I say.  “I’ll see about booking an Elvis impersonator for a Vegas elopement if
you
call Mom and tell her you won’t be at your own wedding.”

“You’re evil, you know that?”

I laugh.  “Okay, sis, I gotta go.  Remember, deep breaths.  Just keep telling yourself, at the end of the day you’ll be married to the love of your life.  Whatever happens leading up to it doesn’t really matter.”

She sighs.  “I know; you’re right.  And, at the very least, hopefully it’ll be a kickass party.”

“Oh, I’d say that’s a given.”

“Thanks for talking me down off the ledge, kiddo.  Love you.”

“Love you, too.  Later.”

I toss my phone down on my bed and strip off my blouse to change into my blue Nevada Wolf Pack t-shirt.  Harumi and Beatrix are already dressed and ready to walk over to Hank’s Sports Bar & Grill to watch the NCAA basketball championship game.  Sadly, UNR is out for the count, but San Diego State is playing, so we’ll root for them in a show of solidarity for Mountain West conference.

Even though it’s still early in the season, the days have been balmy and beautiful since I got back from Cabo.  I’ve been in such a funk since losing both Aiden and Kyle all over again in the span of twenty-four hours, that the amazing weather has pretty much been my only saving grace.  When we walk out into the evening sunshine and I feel the warm breeze blowing against my bare arms, I can’t help but feel lifted up by it.

Tip-off isn’t until seven, but the bar is already well on its way to being packed by the time we get there.  Beatrix aggressively forces her way through the swarm to a high top table in the center, and Harumi and I wade along behind her.  The waitress who comes to take our drink orders is all business, clearly a well-weathered expert when it comes to handling a crowd.

We watch the pre-game coverage while we split a plate of nachos.  I don’t eat much; my appetite has been sorely lacking for the past couple of weeks.  By half past six the energy in the room is at fever pitch, and Beatrix starts complaining she can’t hear the announcer on the television.  Harumi holds up her phone in response and shouts over the ruckus, “There’s a chick I know from class who’s having a party.  She lives a few miles out – we could take the bus.”

Beatrix scrunches her nose.  “I don’t wanna impose,” she says, still looking around crossly at all the drunk co-eds.

“There’ll be alcohol,” Harumi adds.

Beatrix snorts.  “You’re such an enabler.  All right, lead the way.”