Forever (This #5) (15 page)

“Left. I love Darius Rucker. He’s a Charleston boy.”

“Have you ever seen him live?”

“No, but it’s on my bucket list. Hint, hint.” I giggle. This is easy. When it’s just us, no worries, no cares, no questions about babies or marriage, we work. Ryan knows and understands my schedule, my commitment to work. It’s hard for others to be patient through these early years. My stomach twists at the thought of even for one second doubting this relationship. Then, in the very next breath, the butterflies flutter as I get a glimpse of Joe. I lick my dry lips and swallow.

“What else is on your bucket list?”

Rebecca wraps her arms around Joe’s neck and kisses him. Their reflection glistens over the sparkling water of the looking pond where Bradley proposed to Gabby. His hands slide down to rest on her hips. My chest tightens, my throat constricting at the thought of him one day proposing to her. To anyone.

“You have to think that hard about what you have left to do on your bucket list?”

I blink my eyes and shrug.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I don’t want to have this conversation right now or right here.”

He stops, thus halting me, and pulls me into his arms. He leans his forehead on mine. “Don’t overthink the car conversation. I didn’t say I never wanted kids or marriage. I just said not now.”

“I know what you said. You’re the one who keeps bringing it up.” I take a step back, release him. “Maybe you’re the one overthinking your responses.”

“Is seeing Gabby married making you want that for yourself?”

Is that what this is? I don’t think so, but I’m not sure. Marriage before finishing school was never a part of the plan, but sometimes plans are overrated. I shake my head.

“Is it the kids?”

That is a large part of it. I’d be lying to say it isn’t. Joe’s ready for that. He’s ready for all of it. And any doubts I had as to the validity of those statements he made to me were gone the moment I found out he’d been seeing Rebecca. As if that wasn’t enough, he essentially brought her to meet the family.

Does this have anything at all to even do with the car conversation? Would it matter if Ryan told me right now he’d changed his mind? If he dropped to one knee right here, would I cover my mouth in elation and surprise, nodding in disbelief?

If Ryan said he wanted to make a baby with me tonight, would that suddenly fix everything that feels so screwed up between us? My eyes drift away…back to the spot where his brother had been kissing another girl. They’re no longer there, and my body becomes heavy. “I don’t think so. The kids thing.” That’s a fair statement.

How have I managed to get myself into this mess? Better yet. How do I get myself out of it? “I said I didn’t want to discuss anything here tonight. We don’t get much time off. Let’s try not to spend it arguing.”

His brows scrunch together, the lines of his forehead rippling. “You think this is arguing?”

“I guess not. But it’s certainly not pleasant conversation. I’m asking again for a change in subject.” I gaze at the glow of the white lights before us. “That seems to be too much to ask, though.”

“Requesting you open up and share your feelings with me seems like too much for you.”

I point between the two of us. “And this doesn’t feel much like an argument to you?” I turn around and start walking toward the dollhouse display. It’s my favorite place.

“Sam. Wait. Where are you going?”

My pace quickens, needing air between the two of us…space for my brain to process what’s happened over the course of the day. The closer I get to the dollhouse, the more congested the area is. People are everywhere.

“Sam. Wait up.”

It’s not like I have much of a choice. There are too many people for the tiny space. We’re going to get separated, and as much as I want distance, that would make things even more awkward. The more I lose my cool, the more questions he’s going to ask. Taking a deep breath, I exhale and squeeze my lids shut, which leads to a snippet of Joe kissing Rebecca to play. That causes me to flick my eyes back open.

When Ryan’s back at my side, I clear my throat. “Gabby and I didn’t have much experience with other children, but one year, Momma bought us this old dollhouse from a yard sale. She couldn’t afford much else. It was already put together, furnished, but it was still a hand-me-down.”

He nods.

“I don’t know about Gabby, but I know I pretended it was a home where the mother and father loved each other. There were lots of babies, and everyone was kind, caring, compassionate. Everyone was loved. There were no alcoholic drunk fathers or beaten sisters. There was no dysfunction.”

“Everyone has dysfunctions, Sam.”

“I was a child, Ryan. I know that now, but I didn’t then.” And as much as I want to believe there’s dysfunction in every family, my hope is that one day mine will be the exception. The car conversation creeps back into my thoughts. “When we came here last year, and I learned a father had built this life-sized dollhouse for his children, it became one of my favorite places.”

“Just because he built it for his kids doesn’t mean they were the perfect family. It just means he had more money to be able to provide for his kids. I’m sure your mother would have built you one had she had the funds.”

Does he hear himself? Can he actually hear the words coming out of his mouth? Does he even understand what I’m saying? Am I making no sense? Why does every interaction between us feel like a fight? “Did I say they were free of dysfunction?”

“I’m just sayin’.”

“Well, I’m sayin’ it’s one of my favorite places.” He asked about my bucket list, but I’m not sure I feel safe enough to share it with him right now. This place is a part of my fairy tale bucket list. I’m not naïve enough to think I get a fairy tale, but my dreams are. When I’m at this place, I turn into one of those little girls with a daddy who loved her so much, he built her a beautiful garden with looking ponds, a life-sized dollhouse, and even a pet cemetery with headstones for the animals she loved and lost.

When I look at the looking pond in front of it, I see roses and hear Christina Perri. I recall Bradley dropping to one knee and asking my sister to marry him. Additionally, thanks to being in the wrong place at the wrong time a few minutes ago, I can add seeing Joe kissing some other girl there too, and I wonder if his raspy voice tells her what he told me on the phone about how he wants it all. A wife, babies, even to be a stay-at-home dad. My stomach hardens.

A finger taps me on the shoulder, and my body jumps. “I’m sorry, Sam.” Ryan’s voice cracks. “My parents are married, there’s no alcoholic father who beats his kids, but there’s enough dysfunction to last a lifetime.” I take him in. Flecks of light dance over his dark hair and his smoldering brown eyes. “I don’t want you to have this false sense of what life’s like inside the iron gates of the garden.”

“It’s not your place to school me.” I exhale. “I shared something deeply personal with you on multiple occasions today, and both times, you’ve let me down.”

He kisses my neck. “We’re just going through a rough patch. We’ll be okay. We’ll get through it.”

But what if I don’t want to get through it? What if it’s not just a little valley? What if we’re already coasting our way through? What will life be like when the honeymoon period is over? Where are the butterflies for Ryan I hadn’t known I was missing until they flock into my stomach in droves when I’m around Joe? It’s not like it’s been a one-time thing with Joe, either. We’ve known each other for a long time. The flutters aren’t fleeting. What if Joe’s right? What if I’m with the wrong person? The wrong brother?

Bradley and I are sitting on the bench facing the amphitheater and one of the ponds that runs in front of the stage. It’s the bench where he asked me to move in with him last year. He pulls me close to his body and wraps his arm around my shoulders. His breath is warm against my ear. “Can you believe all we’ve accomplished today, Mrs. Banks?”

I smile against the hardness of his body. “In a way, it seems like forever since we made love this morning, but then again, the time seems to have flown.”

“Have you enjoyed your surprises?”

I stare into his hooded eyes. “Yes, they are all so special. You said for me to pack a bag. It’s late, and I’m wondering if your last surprise may have something to do with The Carriage House Inn?”

“We make really great memories in Aiken. Especially there, though.” His finger tugs my chin to his cool lips. Our tongues twist and turn, dancing in perfect rhythm with each other. The chill I’d been trying to escape by cuddling close to him is replaced with a sizzle. “Gabby…” His breathing hitches.

“Hmm?”

“We should go find everyone else.”

My lips curve upward. “Yes. Quickly.”

He stands and offers his hand.

I place mine in his, and he pulls me into an embrace. Triplet girls are walking in front of us. They’re wearing wide-legged pants with ruffles on the bottom with matching jackets. Their hair bows must be as big as their heads. Sam and I never had clothes like that. Probably because those types of outfits weren’t popular back in the day, but also because of our age difference. Disappointment zaps my stomach. “Those little girls in front of us are adorable.”

“They are. Triplets. Can you even imagine?”

I shake my head. “No, I can’t.” I gaze into his blue eyes. “What would you do if I got pregnant with triplets?”

He chuckles. “I don’t know. It’s hard to even consider what I’d do when I can’t even wrap my brain around that kind of news.”

“Would you be upset?”

He stops and puts both of his palms on my face. “I will never be upset over you carrying one or more of our children.”

“Even if we already had five?”

“I’d hope once we have enough for a basketball team, we’d rethink our birth control methods before that happened.”

I shake my head, laughing. “Let’s agree we’ll discuss our methods after we have enough for a singles tennis match.”

“That’s only two.” His smile dissipates.

“How many do you want, Mr. Banks?”

“I don’t know.” We approach the gates we entered. There’s a line already formed for the next trip back to the parking lot. He points. “There’s Ryan, Sam, Joe, and Rebecca.”

They’re standing away from the refreshment table, but they’re all holding Styrofoam cups. Sam’s eating another cookie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her eat so many in one day. “Hey! What’d you think?” I ask Rebecca.