Forever (This #5) (34 page)

She is.

I put my hand up. “Don’t say it yet. Just wait a second.”

Her brows furrow. “Excuse me?”

“I’m pretty sure what you’re about to say is going to change my life, and I just need a minute before I hear it.”

She grins. “That’s a first.”

“What is?”

“I’ve never had someone ask me for a moment before I told them. I’m taking it this was unexpected?”

I nod. “If you’re about to tell me
I’m
expecting, then yes.”

“I’m very pleased to let you know you are. The old saying goes there’s never a good time to get pregnant. Children are blessings, though, and you look like you’ll be a wonderful mother, Mrs. Banks.”

A wonderful mother. Mother. This wasn’t enough time to think. When Bradley told me I needed to consider whether I was simply hanging onto promises for the sake of holding onto the last thing I had left of my mom, I promised to consider if that was true, but I didn’t even get the chance to do that. I was already pregnant.

“Are you sure? I’ve not been sick or anything. I’m on birth control.” My mind starts sending messages for words without my permission. “I took them every day at the same time. I haven’t been on antibiotics. I really do feel exactly the same.” There has to be a mistake. “Maybe your lab student got samples mixed up for me and someone else.” That’s the only reasonable explanation.

“We’re sure. In fact, based on your numbers and the time in your cycle, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re carrying twins.”

“Excuse me?” I gulp. Maybe I do feel like I’m going to be sick.

“Are you sure there’s not a mix-up? I haven’t even missed my period yet.” My thoughts go to Sam. “Could it have been my sister, Samantha Gerhart?”

“No, it’s you, Mrs. Banks. Again, these tests are very reliable. Blood tests can detect pregnancy up to a week before your missed cycle.”

“I was on the pill. I take it religiously and on time. I never miss a dose.”

“Yes, you said that. Unfortunately, no form of birth control is one hundred percent, Mrs. Banks.”

“And you’re sure?”

“The test was run twice. I need to get back to some other patients. I know if it was unexpected you are probably overwhelmed. Take all the time you need in here. Make sure you schedule a follow-up appointment with your ob-gyn. Oh.” Her hand rests on the doorknob. “Make sure you also get a pre-natal vitamin with folic acid from your pharmacy tonight.”

I stare at her blankly, trying to let the news sink in. I haven’t even decided if I wanted to go down this path. This wasn’t part of my plan, and I know Bradley keeps saying he wants a baby, but what if he wakes up tomorrow and has changed his mind? Because look at Joe. The only thing in the world he wanted was my sister, and now that he has her, he’s tossing her away like a used piece of trash. All of the information becomes too much. The contents of my stomach curdles, and I run for the bathroom as bile rises in my throat.

The entire way to Joe’s car he’s refused to look at me. I haven’t said a word and neither has he. The silence cuts through like a knife. My hands begin to tremble, so I shove them in my pockets until we’re finally at his vehicle. I take one out to open the door when it unlocks. The last time I was in there, we did not make good memories. Part of me hopes he’s going to take my head between his hands and bring me into the most passionate, needy kiss of my life. The windows are pretty tinted. I doubt anyone would be able to see us. But something tells me that’s not what he has in mind.

My hand clasps the handle and pulls. I slide in at the same time as him. He stares out the window, his face drawn. My mouth opens to say something, but it closes. “Joe…”

He turns to me, and tears fill both of those brown eyes. “I couldn’t do this in there.”

“Do what?”

“Tell you I love you, but I have to let you go.”

I shake my head. This isn’t supposed to be the way he tells me those three words. If he didn’t look so pitiful, I’d shove him into his door, knock some sense in him. “Why do you have to let me go?”

“This is wrong. What if he dies?”

“He’s not going to die.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because the first twelve hours are big. The first twenty-four are critical. But more than anything, I have faith, Joe.”

He swallows and swipes the water from his eyes. “I know you broke up with him, but I pushed you…confused you.”

“You didn’t confuse me. I chose him that night in Charleston. I wanted it to be right because it looked the best on paper.” I stare down at my hands, then back at him. “It wasn’t right, Joe. This…this between us…is.”

“It doesn’t feel like that right now.”

“How can you say that?” I swear the tears he’s just shed fill my own eyes. “Nothing’s ever felt more right in my life. We just got started. Please don’t end it now…not right now like this.”

“I can’t face him if he wakes up and know I’ve taken what’s his.”

Okay. He’s starting to piss me off. I take a deep breath and slowly exhale. “You decided this yesterday in the car, didn’t you?”

He nods and averts his gaze.

“What can I do to change your mind?”

“Nothing. There’s nothing you can say or do.”

“I’m not his. I’m not an object. I’m not some little…” I want to say Barbie, but it reminds me of Rebecca, and I just can’t go there. “I’m not some doll that’s his.”

“Bradley said that.”

“Bradley knows?” My voice rises.

“Yeah.”

I rub my face with both my hands. My chest tightens and my throat constricts. “When did you tell him?”

“Right after he got here. I’m sorry, Sam.”

“I don’t understand how you can say you love me, but you’re gonna let me go after you’ve fought so hard to have me,” I mumble. The tears spill over the edge of my lids. My body heaves. “This accident could have happened anytime to any of us. It’s a temporary obstacle.”

“There’s shit you don’t know, and I’m not ready to talk about it.”

“It affects us?”

“It affects me.” He faces away, and I swear through my blurred eyes I see a tear fall down his cheek. “There is no us.”

“Screw you. Screw. You.” I reach for the handle of the door, but my hand refuses to open it.
Grab me. Tell me not to leave. Beg me to stay, Joe. Take it all back.
“Were my assessments of you on the carriage ride right? Was I some little game to you?” I shove him, but he doesn’t move. His face is as cold as the most beautiful stone statue. If I were a statue, I wouldn’t have a heart. This wouldn’t hurt so badly. How can he do this? “Answer me. You owe me at least that.”

“Believe whatever makes the pain less for you.” He stares me straight in the eyes. He cringes for a moment, then sets it back to the way it had been. “If hating me helps you not hurt as bad, then hate me. Believe what you want to believe about me. It was easier then.”

My eyes blur and tears pour down my cheeks. “It wasn’t easier. You’ll see.”

He shakes his head. “It will never work. Can you imagine Christmas? It’s going to be fucked up, Sam. We made a mistake. It can’t ever happen again.”

“You’re in shock. You’re making the worst mistake of your life right now.”

He doesn’t move, doesn’t speak a word. Just stares at me like a lost puppy dog that was locked out in the middle of a rainstorm without any food, but too scared to approach strangers and beg for any scraps. Not that I’m scraps. But dammit, this isn’t what he wants. It’s written all over his face.

“I’m not gonna let you do this.”

“It’s not up to you. My decision is made.”

“Charleston. The ghost tour. My decision was made. You see how well that worked, right?”

I swear I see a small smirk curve on the corners of his lips.

“I’m not sure when it happened, Joe. Whether it was the day I walked in the bar, on the carriage ride, the many phone conversations, when I moved, or the ghost tour, but somewhere along the way I fell in love with you.”

He shakes his head again, squeezing his eyes closed.

“I know I broke your heart in that alley and maybe even again a couple of nights ago on those stairs…” I put my hand on his cheek because I crave his touch. My insides flip, the throbbing between my legs intensifying. I inhale his scent and close my eyes. “Yours mended. Mine will too. We’ll get through this. This breakup is temporary. What we have is a forever kind of love. It can’t be snuffed out, and it refuses to be ignored.”

I lean into him and let my lips brush against his soft pink ones. I hear his breathing hitch. “I’ll wait for you like you waited for me. Just don’t take too long.” I tug on his bottom lip and push against his mouth with my tongue, begging for access, for one last taste of him. He brings his hands to the sides of my face and parts his lips ever so slightly.

Our tongues do one final, greedy tango before he pushes me away and pulls my head to his chest. It heaves up and down. He’s sobbing. This beautiful, grown, sexy man is crying.

“Can’t you see if it hurts you this bad, it’s not right?” I wrap my arms around his narrow waist. “Please don’t do this, Joe. Let’s just forget this conversation ever happened. We can go back. It’s not too late.”

His hands go to his face, but I hang on to him as long as he’ll let me. I think he wipes his eyes, then he rests his arms on my ribs. “He’s my brother, Sam. You weren’t mine to take.”

“I’m yours now. I gave him up for you. Accident or no accident, Joe, I’d choose you right now and every day after. Let me. You’re it for me.”

“Every time I look at you I think about him. I picture him being pissed off because of us, hitting a deer, recklessly putting the Land Cruiser in neutral instead of park, slamming the fuckin’ door when he gets out, setting the SUV into motion…” His voice cracks. “And being rolled over by a two ton vehicle. Because of you. Because of me. Because of us.”

I grimace. My throat closes, and so do my eyes. He’s right. It’s our fault. Or maybe not. “Okay. But we weren’t there. We don’t know what happened. Rebecca was, and we should ask her now that she’s had some time to process it all.” Because I’m not sure how to live with the guilt, either.

“Sam…”

“Yeah?” We’re still embracing. I wonder if he has the same mentality as me. To hang on as long as possible, to get our fill of feels before we step out of this vehicle and the warmth is gone, the pain consumes us both. I wonder if he is waiting for me to let go first.