For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) (33 page)

“Hello gorgeous. Are you ready to find the dress?” he said excitedly.

I fell at ease when he grabbed both my hands like Rhys did and led me to the back, laughing. “I hope you’re ready. You’re going to be my personal Barbie for the next hour. Let’s go.”

He pulled me away from Rhys who blew me a kiss as I walked away. Within seconds, Earl had me on a two-foot pedestal and was taking my measurements.

“Girl, you have one hell of a body,” he said, trying to break the ice. I explained that I ran a lot and although he lacked filter, I liked him.

“How did you and Rhys meet?” I was surprised to see that they were on first name terms and wondered how long he’d been dressing Rhys. I relayed our history to him, to which he replied with lots of “ohhs” and “ahhs”, clearly impressed that I won the heart of England’s most eligible bachelor. Sometimes I had to remind myself of who Rhys really was, and in getting ready for the event I saw that his lifestyle was slowly blending with mine.

“You’d better hang on to him. He’s not only gorgeous, but he’s my nicest customer. Honestly, if he was gay I’d totally steal him.”

I laughed at Earl’s confidence and honesty and he grew on me during my fitting. He brought me dresses and allowed me to have a voice despite my lack of award show experience. I ended up trying on seven; four of them after I knew number three was my favorite. He knew I had made my mind up but wanted me to keep my options open.

Earl studied me in the dress I’d chosen and said, “That man loves clean lines, and purples and blues. He’s going to lose it when he sees this.”

I nodded, made my final choice and kissed Earl on both cheeks before heading back out to meet Rhys.

When he saw me in my jeans and blouse he frowned. “Where are the dresses?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” he stood and crossed his arms. “Aren’t you going to show me and involve my opinions?”

“I thought that’s what Earl was for,” I shrugged playfully. “Besides, he said you can’t see it till Saturday.”

“Really?” He tilted his head back.

“Yup.”

“Fine,” he sighed. “Can you at least tell me a color…? I need to know for something.”

“It’s black and purple,” I mumbled, giving in to his sneaky smile.

“Did you have fun?”

“Yeah, I did. Earl made me promise to text him a picture of us together, but mostly of my dress. He said he saw your tux when you came in earlier this week.”

Rhys laughed. “Well, hair and makeup are coming to the house for you, so you might as well show it off. Come, let’s get dinner and we can go home and watch another holiday movie.”

“Sounds perfect.”

∞

That Saturday Rhys woke me up incredibly early. If he wasn’t so sweet I would have been annoyed, but he brought me coffee and caressed my face as he did it. “Darling, wake up. We’ve got to go get our tree.”

His cheeks were glowing and his eyes had a strong beaming expression as he looked down at me. After kissing my forehead tenderly, he stood up and went to his closet to get dressed.

At the tree stand Rhys went straight for the 11 to 12-foot Douglas Firs. I knew he had high ceilings, yet I was doubtful that it would fit. I also kept in mind it would be difficult to decorate, but he insisted. The delivery men were set to bring the tree in a few hours, so it gave us time to purchase ornaments, lights and other decorations. Rhys didn’t hold back, going down all the aisles of the store and continuing to put things in the shopping cart. He was a bit self-conscious at times, since he hadn’t decorated in years and wanted my opinion on everything. I found it endearing that he cared enough to consider my thoughts.

We opted to get colored and white lights, then selected ornaments in sets and some personal ones as well. We got some picture frame ones, some love themed, and one that said
Our First Christmas Together
. He also found some British ones, including a doll-like Shakespeare. “The man that brought us together,” he said.

I got the real surprise when we went home and he showed me some American themed ornaments he had bought on his own, and one with a picture of my family. It was sweet, but nothing could compare with the last ornament we added to the tree. Rhys handed me one that was a remembrance ornament that said
Always in Our Hearts
. Somehow he had taken the picture of Aaron from my flat and made a copy of it. When he gave it to me, I started weeping quietly and his face filled with worry.

“Did I make a mistake, darling?”

I shook my head. “No, this is so sweet. I love that you’re not only okay with this, but constantly continue to make me feel as though he’s important. Thank you, Rhys.”

He embraced me and lifted my face up to his. “I didn’t mean to make you sad…”

I placed my hand on his cheek and rubbed my thumb over his lips. “I’m not, I promise. Here, let’s place him on the tree.” I put the ornament in the front center of the tree where it could be seen clearly. I hadn’t looked at Aaron’s picture much throughout the last few weeks. I started seeing images in my mind instead, happy ones that I had stored away during my depression. Before, I had used the picture as self-inflicted torture, to remind me of my loss, but Rhys had turned it into something to remember and honor. He was unbelievable.

We added the angel to the top of the tree, one with a tartan skirt to celebrate his Scottish background, and finished up the mantel and stairs. Rhys’ home looked like a winter wonderland, and I’d never seen him so happy. We made hot chocolate, sat on the sofa and admired the tree as we nestled into each other close to the fire. With Christmas music playing in the background, there was no need to add conversation, instead we sat and enjoyed the company and season. Things felt perfect.

Rhys noticed I had fallen asleep on the couch, so he carried me to bed. I awoke as he went upstairs. We changed into pajamas before getting into bed and cuddling. Even though we were exhausted, we left the light on and he held me as he read silently from
A Christmas Carol
. I fell in and out of sleep every few minutes, not bothered by his voice that had become my personal lullaby, but when he stopped the silence woke me up. I looked up to his face and saw bliss.

He smiled down at me and said, “You make me so happy…I just feel the need to tell you that as often as possible.”

“It’s no secret you make me feel the same,” I whispered back.

“Do you have many secrets?” he pinched his brows.

“No, why do you?” I asked, turning so he could spoon me. His embrace became tight, yet gentle, and I thought I felt his hand trembling for a moment.

“I have one, do you want to know what it is?”

“Hmm,” I mumbled sleepily.

His face was directly behind my head, but he scooted closer pressing his lips to my ear and whispered, “I love you, Ellie.”

Those words should have sounded beautiful coming out of his mouth, just as all his other adorations had, but they didn’t. They scared me, thrilled me, and made me feel as though I’d been sucked into a whirlpool and was drowning. My heart started beating faster, not from excitement, but from nerves and worry over each quiet second that passed without my reciprocation. It was so deadly silent that I could hear his heart breaking. I needed to say something, anything, and kept willing my mouth to speak and explain, but nothing came out.

Rhys noticed I had tensed up and that my breathing was no longer slow and sleepy, but he didn’t say a word. After seconds, or minutes, I’m not sure, I managed to say “Rhys,” and I knew from the flinch of his hand on my waist it wasn’t the word he wanted to hear. He wanted three words attached to his name, and I didn’t give them.

I couldn’t bear the thought of turning around, only imagining what his face would look like. I repeated his name again, “Rhys…” unable to form other words and he squeezed my waist and said, “Darling, it’s all right. You don’t need to feel obligated to say it. Just because I feel it doesn’t mean you have to simultaneously.”

And then I heard it, the sound of both our hearts shattering like mirrors crashing into one another. I could almost feel the cuts forming on my heart, for myself and my silence, and for him because he didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t deserve that. I finally managed to turn and look at him, only to confirm my uncertainties when I saw his glassy eyes.

He was trying to maintain his composure, digging deep into his acting skills, but I could see through to the Rhys I knew so well. I knew the side he didn’t show anyone else, the vulnerable side that was currently pouring out its soul to me and I wasn’t even attempting to catch it.

I felt the need to explain myself, but it came out awkwardly and none of it made sense. “It’s just…Rhys…I care for you so much…I just—”

He cut me off and kissed my mouth. “Ellie, please don’t worry. I just wanted you to know how I felt. I know you care about me, and now when you say it I’ll know you really mean it and aren’t forcing it back. Let’s go to bed, we’re both unyieldingly tired.”

Rhys turned over before I could reply and shut off the light. I didn’t know if he did this to end the conversation, to mask his disappointment, or both, but I turned around feeling the worst I had in a while and attempted to fall asleep. It eluded me though, and Rhys was still sweet enough to hold me despite how much he was aching. I couldn’t move, hoping he would think I was asleep and turn over so I could feel a little relief, and after a torturous hour, he finally did.

He started snoring lightly, breathing deeper, and that’s how I knew he was actually asleep. He usually held me most of the night when we slept together, but he turned over and I continued tossing and turning throughout the night. I still awoke with the sun, needing to run to get away and think, and I left him a note on the pillow that said I’d be back in an hour. I opted out of including my usual hugs and kisses, worrying that it would feel more like a sting than a sign of affection.

Just being out and getting some space helped, and I ran all the way to Primrose Hill and back completing six miles. My stress melted off my shoulders, but when I returned to his door my heart was still lodged in my throat. It was choking me, taunting and judging me for not giving it to him fully. During my run I decided that I needed to go back, tell him I was going home, and that I needed space to process everything. I didn’t know how to tell him without making the situation worse, and I saw there was no way of avoiding it.

I expected him to be in bed when I went in, but he was in the kitchen making coffee. “Good morning,” I said, attempting to break the ice.

“Morning. How was your run?”

He was acting as if everything was normal, and I wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or worse. The tension in the room was palpable and no matter how much he tried to hide it, I saw the hurt in his eyes.

“Good. I ran six miles.”

“Wow, good. Would you like some breakfast?”

Rhys’ eyes were shaded in dark circles that showed the depth of his exhaustion, proving that apparently he hadn’t slept much either.

“Actually, I have to go. I completely forgot that I’d made plans with Sadie today and I guess in all the excitement and traveling it slipped my mind. I can’t cancel,” I shrugged. “She’s going out of town this weekend until after the new year.” I was lying through my teeth and prayed he couldn’t tell. If he did he didn’t let on, but there was a hint of disappointment in his nod.

“Okay, of course. Don’t cancel. I’ll see you later though?” he asked, hopeful.

“Yeah, we’ll touch base later. I’m going to shower at my place since I’m meeting her nearby. I’ll see you later.” I kissed his mouth quickly, feeling guiltier by the second and with each step I took to the door, I felt awful. I didn’t dare turn around to see his face, knowing the sadness I’d witness in his eyes would kill me.

∞

The next four days passed slowly and miserably. As I walked home, I called Anne, crying, opting to walk in my sweaty clothes and freezing the whole way, just so I could get fresh air and avoid people staring on the Tube. She freaked when she heard me sobbing and calling at four in the morning her time, but I needed to talk to someone. I told her how he’d said those three words and I’d said nothing back. I explained that I had panicked and while I did care for him, I realized it would be the first time I’d say those words to someone that wasn’t Aaron. I only felt worse when I realized that Sunday would have been the anniversary for when Aaron and I started dating. It would have been twelve years and I’d forgotten all about it through the distractions of the holidays.

Anne did her best to comfort me, telling me that I needed to go back and explain it to Rhys, and that he would understand. But I couldn’t, not after the way I reacted and abruptly left. I didn’t want him to feel like I could never love him the way I’d love Aaron. I didn’t want him to know that I was afraid and that’s what made me hold back, because I did love him. How could I not?

He was better than I could’ve ever imagined, and he surely didn’t deserve what I did that night or the following morning, yet I did it, selfishly and easily. The disappointment in myself grew heavier and heavier on my chest with each passing hour I spent apart from him, and I made Anne promise not to tell anyone. She seemed let down by my lie to rush away from him, but I couldn’t keep looking at him after displaying the cowardice the night before.