For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) (32 page)

Rhys’ mouth worshiped mine as he caressed the skin of my belly, my hips and my face. I pulled away from his mouth and sat up, pushing him away from me. For a second I saw the panic rush to his face, worried that he had pushed me too far, too soon, but then he realized what I was doing. I reached my hands under my shirt and slowly removed my bra, leaving my shirt on in case my parents came by the room in some awkward moment. I tossed it aside and caught Rhys glancing at my breasts through my shirt.

He cleared his throat and said, “What are you doing?” I lay back down, lifted my shirt a little, and slipped his hand beneath it again. He looked down at me with both anticipation and apprehension in his expression. “Are you sure?” he rubbed my stomach, “Please don’t feel pressured.”

I shook my head. “I don’t. You’ve never made me feel that…I just…”

“What is it?” he whispered in the dark.

“I don’t know when I’ll be ready to have sex with you. I want it, trust me, but not yet. Is that okay?”

My heart was racing, and I held my breath as he tilted his head and bit his lower lip. It was so attractive I ended up stifling a giggle and saying, “What? You’re making me nervous with that look.”

“Don’t be nervous. Sometimes I want that too, naturally,” he said looking down at his crotch, implying. “But there’s no rush because I’ve told you, you can’t get rid of me. I’m going to be with you for as long as you’ll let me.”

I nodded and pulled him down to kiss me again, hard, fast, long and slow. His hand was still on my stomach for some time until I grabbed it myself and squeezed it, silently insisting that he move higher. He touched me as we kissed, and I couldn’t help feeling like a teenager again, making out with my boyfriend and getting to second base in my parents’ house. He may have only been touching my breasts, but I felt it everywhere, and with each little moan he made against my mouth, I knew we’d added fuel to the fire. It would be harder now to avoid being intimate, to continue being afraid, but that was why I did it. I was an adult, I wanted him, and I knew I needed that push to get there eventually.

After kissing forever, Rhys spooned me from behind with his hand under my shirt holding my breasts. Any tiny movement of his hand, whether seductive or affectionate, sent my nerve ending ablaze. I was wide-awake, full of desire and hungry for more, when Rhys started giggling against my body.

“What’s so funny?” I whispered.

“I just can’t believe you slipped my hand beneath your shirt in your parents’ house of all places!” he laughed and squeezed my chest.

“I know, I thought of it later. Does that bother you?” I laughed back.

“No! I love it. It’s hilarious and perfectly us.”

I nodded and fell asleep in his arms.

∞

For our last full day in New Jersey, I decided to take Rhys to Aaron’s grave. He knew I always visited while I was home and said that it was up to me if I wanted him to go. At first I was hesitant, but I understood Rhys’ desire to accompany me was backed with support and understanding.

It snowed that morning and as I drove to the cemetery I thought it was perfectly fitting that it snowed for our visit. Aaron loved the snow, insisting that we play in it no matter how much or how hard it was falling. Occasionally he would go for runs during snowfalls, claiming that the way the snow hit his face reminded him of light speed in Star Wars. I told Rhys this as we approached the area of the cemetery and it seemed he appreciated me sharing.

I parked leaving both hands on the wheel even after the car was off and looked over to Rhys to ask for a five-minute head start. He grabbed my hands off the wheel and squeezed them. “Take all the time you need. I’ll come up when you look back at me.”

“Okay,” I said, getting out of the car and tightening the buttons of my pea coat. Aaron was buried on the top of a hill, giving him a nice view of all the flowers normally strewn across the land; I’d always found solace in the location we got for him. Part of me felt nervous as I approached the grave of my dead fiancé with my boyfriend in the car, as if Aaron would be offended and think less of me. But I brushed it off, that was simply a part of moving forward. Once I got there my mind raced with thoughts I hoped Aaron could hear.

I told him that I still loved him, and that I hoped he was okay with what I was doing, that I was living. I thought about how he didn’t want me to be alone and how strongly I hated him for telling me as much, but that I hoped he had sent Rhys my way, because that thought made it easier. I choked up a little as I reflected and then turned around to invite Rhys up. He instantly got out bringing the wildflowers we bought at the store in his hand and walked up the hill. As if he were trying to respect Aaron’s presence, Rhys didn’t touch me, but he did look over and subtly smile after placing the flowers in their vase.

Rhys stared at the grave for a while, the silence comforting, but I was still grateful when he spoke.

“I have to say, I’ve never been one to visit cemeteries. I don’t think people stay here.”

“Me neither. I come out of habit really. He’s not here.”

“I agree. He’s with you and with us in a sense. I think he’s the reason I found you. I hope that doesn’t make you uncomfortable for me to admit that, but it’s how I feel. I think you got that job because he knew you needed it, and I think that’s why we met…because he knew in a way you would need me. I know that may seem presumptuous—”

I broke in and grabbed his hand. “It’s not. I feel exactly the same way. Maybe it’s true if we’ve both thought it without saying.”

“Yeah, maybe,” he nodded.

We lingered quietly for a few minutes and then Rhys surprised me by asking, “Ellie, do you think I could have a moment alone here? Would that be all right?”

I thought it over for a moment and kissed his cheek before I left. I didn’t know exactly why Rhys wanted to be alone, but I respected him for it. Perhaps it was easier for him to pay his respects without my presence, or perhaps he needed to say something that he didn’t want me to hear. He joined me in the car a few minutes later, grabbed my hand and kissed it through my gloves. “I’m glad we were able to come by. Thank you for bringing me.”

I silently thanked my stars that I had someone like him to come with me. I never asked him what he needed up there, but he got it and that’s what mattered.

Saturday we had lunch with James. I replied to him on Friday after getting the okay from Rhys. He said he could sympathize with James because he understood that it couldn’t be easy to see me with someone else so soon after rejection. I was angry and felt that James owed me more than how he’d treated me, but I also knew that he wasn’t a bad person and was human. We all are.

We met him at a Jewish deli near my parents and I did my best to keep everyone comfortable. I kept our physical affections to a minimum in front of him, and Rhys was very cordial and gracious, making sure to include James in every second of our conversation. There were occasional quiet periods that made me uncomfortable, and I couldn’t tell if James regretted his decision to be friendly with Rhys or not, but I could see it pained him to be introduced as my friend to Rhys and not the other way around. We talked about our work and holiday and thankfully Rhys talked about a project he was filming in the spring. He was so affable he actually invited James to come visit us in London and said that he wouldn’t mind having him in Scotland too. I think James appreciated it, genuinely smiling at me when he thanked Rhys for the invite.

Overall we left on a good note, and when James left he hugged me and whispered, “He’s a good guy, I guess I can’t hate him after all.” He pulled back and winked, “Just know I’m still here as your friend, and that I’m sorry.”

I nodded and kissed James’ cheek knowing Rhys wouldn’t mind as he watched from the car. We drove home to pick up our things and get ready for the flight back later that night. After having dinner with my parents, we drove to the airport for our red eye to London. Rhys had been loading the car up when my mom hugged me closely and said, “That boy is something else…you know he really values you, you know that right?”

“Yeah, I do,” I said.

My mother was still holding me when she squeezed and told me, “Don’t break his heart, Ellie.”

“Mom, I have no intention,” I said, rolling my eyes at my father behind her.

“I know you don’t. Just don’t hold back, he’s given you his whole heart. Don’t live in the past when he clearly wants you in his future.”

“I’m not holding back, woman. I brought him here, I’m trying,” I said, pulling apart and looking her in the eye.

“I think what your mom is trying to say is to continue letting yourself be happy,” my father added.

∞

The airport was a mess; people recognized Rhys left and right and it was hectic until we were seated on the plane. He noticed I had been quiet for a while when he leaned over and asked, “Are you sad to leave?”

“No,” I admitted, turning my head towards him. “I’m looking forward to Christmas with you.”

He smiled and said, “I have something I want to talk to you about.” Rhys grabbed my hand and started tickling my palm with his fingers. “I got a message from Michael last night. I’ve been nominated for an Evening Standard Award, for best actor for the play.”

His lips curled up and I knew he was thrilled to tell me. “Oh my god, that’s fantastic!” I squeaked, squeezing his hand. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you. The reason I’m telling you is because it’s this big dinner and show December 15th, red carpet and all, and I wanted to know if you’d go as my date. I normally go to events on my own, never even taken mum, but I’d love for nothing more than for you to be on my arm that night.”

His eyes were desperately seeking an affirmation from me. I knew this was a step in the right direction; that it would be scary and I’d be on display, but I could also see that it was important to him that I go. It meant the world to him and I had the power to shatter it with one word.

“Rhys… Really? That’s a big deal considering you’ve never taken anyone.”

“Well,” he leaned in, “you’re a big deal to me. You’re part of the reason I performed so well.”

“Sweetheart, this is all you. You were amazing. It’s nerve wracking to think of the whole world seeing me, but if you want me there, I’ll be there.”

“Nothing would make me happier,” he said joy pouring over his face as tears filled his eyes.

“Well winning would be nice,” I smirked.

“Nope. I’ve already won with you.”

CHAPTER TWENTY

“A heart to love, and in that heart, courage, to make’s love known.”
Macbeth
- Act 2, Scene 3

L
ondon was much colder than it had been back home. It wasn’t snowing, but the temperatures were frigid and it was rare to see the sun that seemed to be swallowed by a giant gray cloud blanketing the horizon. I didn’t mind; touching down in London felt like arriving home. When I first moved, London was adventurous, scary and far from my true home. Even though I’d been trying to escape, those first few months were difficult.

But eventually I started longing to come back and walk through the busy streets, each time realizing I missed it more and more. I had felt that way before Rhys, finally sensing a freedom I hadn’t allowed myself in New Jersey, but with him it was even better. We spent two days apart after returning; I’d been busy with final exams at work and Rhys had meetings to attend. Wednesday afternoon we met to run in the park because he claimed he gained five pounds from my father’s cooking. He’d never been vain, but mentioned he had to remain lean for a role he would start filming after the new year, in California.

Just the mention of Rhys leaving London left me frantic, and he noticed immediately. “None of that now, that’s far off and we’ll get through it,” he said. I pushed the thought away, and continued stretching with a bad taste in my mouth.

London had laid out its Christmas decor a week before we left and I loved how festive the city looked. The year before I hadn’t allowed myself to enjoy it, but it’s funny the way love changes how you see things. By Thursday I was ready to spend the weekend with Rhys to decorate and to celebrate my time off from work. He made plans to take me to Harrods on Friday for a dress, insisting that he wanted to spoil me for the show, and Saturday we were going to buy a tree for his house. We watched Christmas movies Thursday night, starting with my favorite,
Love Actually
, and ending the night with
The Santa Claus
, his childhood favorite. It was so easy to simply sit with him. We didn’t need words or fancy dates to keep us happy, just the company of one another.

Harrods was quite an experience. I’d only been once, as a tourist, not a shopper, and I remembered the first time I walked in and thought I had mistakenly stepped onto a Middle Eastern version of Sex and the City. There were gorgeous Middle Eastern women everywhere that clearly had money to spend, and there were tourists coming to explore. It was crowded no matter what time of year or day it was, but I decided that Christmas was the worst.

Rhys kept his arm around my waist as we headed to the women’s department and a few fans recognized him, but he continued walking quickly as he smiled at them. We were greeted by Earl; a very handsome and chic looking black man who had apparently dressed Rhys for tons of events. He flirted with Rhys, right in front of me and then introduced himself to me.