Flirting With Magick (22 page)

"Scared?” I didn’t understand. “Scared of what? Of me? Of us?"

"
All that." He took a sip of his espresso and appeared to relax, now
that it was clear I wasn’t going to cause a scene or throw my drink in his face.

I sucked in my breath. Here he was right in front of me, and I was
beginning to feel the way I had been dreading. I’d missed the way he looked at me; the way his hair stood up, reminding me of how I used
to run my hand along it; and his broad shoulders carrying his muscular
arms, which used to hold me as we lay in bed together. One look at hi
m
and, frustratingly, all my fantasies about yelling at him and telling him
I never wanted to see him again had dissipated into the electrically charged air between us. I tried not to look at him, as each time I stole a glance all my emotions were in danger of brimming to the surface. Thankfully, he took my lack of eye contact for contempt.

“I meant it when I said I still loved you.” His voice was as low as his gaze.

"I'm seeing someone." I blurted out.

“I was wondering about that,” he said calmly, though a wou
nded
expression flashed briefly across his face. “I kind of expected that you
probably were by now, and that I’d be too late.”

“
Josh, whether it had been a month ago or six months ago...” I shook
my head. “You can’t expect us to just be able to pick up where we left
off.” I resisted the enormous urge to squeeze his hand as he looked
at me sadly by trying to focus on how much he hurt me.

He nodded slowly, “I understand, Ab,” then stared into his empt
y cup. “I’m just grateful that you finally decided to talk to me. I know I don’t deserve it.”

This time I did gently take hold of his hand. “I really would like
it if we could be civil, Josh, but I'm not sure I'm ready to be friends just yet.” A part of me wanted to let him know that I still loved him in a
way, even though I was fairly certain I wasn’t
in
love with him anymore.
Another part, maybe out of faithfulness to new possibilities with Sean,
or perhaps because of my desire to make Josh sweat for the hurt he had caused me, didn’t want him to know. "Where are you staying?"

"At Troy's for now."

I did my best impression of a block of ice as he hugged me befor
e leaving. "Thanks for coming to see me."

I nodded, then turned, and left.

 Kate drove into the complex just as I got to the bottom of the stairs
. "Did you just get home?" she asked.

"I just saw Josh." I explained.

She grimaced. "How'd it go? I hope you told him about Sean."

"Of course I did."

"Well, that's good." she replied, as I walked with her up to her flat.
"I think the best thing you can do is move on with Sean. Josh doesn't deserve the time of day, and as for Scott... well..." she trailed off.

She was doing that 'not looking at me' thing again. "What is it?" I asked her, following her into her kitchen.

"Just promise me you've moved on with Sean now."

"Okay."

"You don't have feelings for Scott?"

"No." I felt a twitch in my face that betrayed my words.

"At the gig last night, there was a woman there."

"Okay..."
Stay stoic.

"She was all over him. And he didn't seem to mind at all. They just
kind of looked..." She glanced wildly around the room in an attempt to focus everywhere but at me.

"Oh?" I raised my eyebrows in what I hoped was a dismissive gesture
.
Think of Sean, think of Sean. Fuck it, think of Josh.

"Apparently, she's some TV bigshot. Carolyn something. Luke sai
d they were seeing each other." She finally met my eyes. Pityingly. "I'm sorry... anyway, fuck him."

"It's fine," I replied, smiling.
Stay stoic, think of Sean. And Josh if it helps.

"I've moved on... He's found someone he obviously likes." I backed
towards the door. "I've gotta go and call Sean; he's coming over tonight."

As I walked out on to the balcony, not wanting Kate to see that m
y
heart had been startlingly but completely crushed by her news, I suck
ed in my breath and grasped the rail. I told myself over and over again, ‘
don’t cry... don’t cry. He’s not worth it.’ But the devastating truth wouldn't
move from my mind: It wasn't that Scott didn't want a relationship
; he just didn't want one with me.

Rose essential oil (for love)

Sandlewood essential oil (for healing)

Lavender essential oil (for happiness)

Carrier oil such as olive or sweet almond oil

Epsom Salts (purification and releasing of negativity)

Place a few drops of each essential oil in some carrier oil and tip into the bath along with the salts.

Whilst soaking, allow all your negative feelings that go with
heartbreak to surface. Once they have all come through, acknowledge
them, but tell yourself they are no longer of any use and let them be
released into the purifying salt bath. Give your body a good scrub, which
will aid in getting rid of the negative energies that surround you.

Get out and empty the bath, saying goodbye to the energies, whil
st feeling them being replaced by love, healing, and happiness from the
sweetly scented essential oils that have remained on your skin. Tha
nk the universe.

MY HEAD RESTED
in my hand, and I gazed inattentively at the monitor
. Peeking above the screen, I saw Sean happily chatting on the phone, his laughter fracturing the dull drone of the office. Eight weeks and counting, though we were still keeping our relationship to ourselves. We spent each day in the office keeping a professional distance, then
after
work (
on the nights he wasn’t being weird) cuddling in front of th
e
TV, spending the night together, then leaving separately for work in the
morning. I wasn’t in love with him, far from it, but he was certainly helpin
g me keep my mind off a certain ex-boyfriend and a certain musician.

The phone was down now, and he was heading towards my desk
with a mischievous look in his eye. He snuck a glance towards Bronwyn’s
office to check the coast was clear, before leaning close to whisper in m
y
ear, still maintaining a professional distance. “Can’t wait for tonight
.”

I hid a smile before setting him with my most serious look. “I nee
d the details of your Henderson account so I can create the invoice.”

“
Not a problem.” He grinned back before returning to his workstation.

***

“I notice you and Sean are still a bit friendly.” Pippa kept her eyes
on her work while I sat at Laura’s vacant desk, going over the accounts
before leaving that afternoon.

I feigned nonchalance. “We’ve just been hanging out, that’s all.
You know that.”

She leaned in closer to me and whispered, “Just be careful. There
’s someone here who might think you’re shagging her boyfriend."

The heat rose to my face as I tried to swallow her words before I
realised and laughed. “Has someone here got a crush on him?” I immediately
thought of Janey, one of the other account managers, a quiet girl who always seemed to be at a loss for words when Sean spoke to her. Or
perhaps Louise, one of the young account assistants, who always turned
up to work in the most inappropriately short skirts and flirted wildly with Sean. Something I had recently learned to laugh off.

“No.” Pippa said flatly, finally turning to look at me. “I only foun
d
out after Bronwyn got back that she and Sean have been together pretty
much since he started here, except maybe they broke up for a bit. So
it
wasn't Ray at all. You and he are pretty chummy. He’s never said
anything to you?”

I mustered all the best acting techniques I could. “No, he’s never
mentioned it. But I guess it’s his business, and he’s never had a reason
to.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
"How do you know?" I made sure I only sou
nded interested for gossip's sake.

Pippa flipped through her papers. "One of our clients told me she
saw them together last week."

"It could have been a work thing," I suggested hopefully, even thou
gh there was that familiar sinking feeling setting in. Strangely, it wasn’t as crushing as finding out about Scott, but still, my stomach felt like it had been punched-– hard.

"They were making out. People who are just work colleagues don'
t usually make out," Pippa confirmed.

I bent down to the bottom drawer of Laura's filing cabinet and rifled through the folders, if only so that Pippa didn’t see the flush of
humiliation burning my face.
Some colleagues do make out
, I thought
sadly. And apparently, by the sounds of it, some make out with more
than others.

Pippa lowered her voice. "Bron and Sean don't know that I know
, though, so don't say anything, will you?"

"No, of course not." I leaned back in my chair, still careful not to
face her, and stole a quick glance out the accounts room window into the
main office. Sean was leaning casually over a partition screen, laughing at
something on David’s computer.

***

“Sean, what’s going on?” I stood in his doorway, my stomach still
in a twist. Everything was beginning to make sense. Bronwyn’s catt
iness
towards me, Sean’s weird mood swings, the nights I couldn’t get a
hold of him and his subsequent evasiveness. “When were you planning
on telling me that I was the other woman?”

“Who told you?” His swift admission was like a punch to my face
. I had been expecting some denial at least.

“It doesn’t matter.” I shook my head before turning and storm
ing away, not looking back. “Don’t ever speak to me again!”

PULLING INTO THE DRIVE-THROUGH,
I ordered the biggest,
greasiest meal on the menu. There was still over an hour before I got to my parents' house, and the loud music I’d been playing was doing nothing to keep my mind off the last few weeks, especially the high
rotation of one of
Reckless Choice
’s newly released songs. It was one
that I knew quite well from their live performances, and every time it
played, I couldn’t help but picture Scott’s effortless bass playing and
thinking about how his nimble fingers moved on the strings, which
eventually led to me thinking about his fingers moving on me. Then came the heavily sagging disappointment at the realisation that they
were most likely moving on someone else. How stupid of me to forg
et to charge my iPod.

Here I was on a week away to get over Sean, and it had become all the more apparent that I wasn’t yet over Scott. Of course, Sean’s betrayal hurt, but it was the part of me that had kept my emotions at
a distance from him that I was grateful for now. It turned out I was m
ore
angry with myself than upset with him. As much as I had liked him, I
didn’t have the overwhelming heartbreak I had felt after Josh
left, or even the enormous sense of loss I had experienced when I call
ed things off with Scott. Right now, I just wanted some time away to be alone.

I shoved a handful of chips into my mouth and changed the rad
io
to an ‘oldies’ station, tapping along to The Beatles as I carried on with
my journey.

Mum greeted me at the door before I had a chance to knock. “Hello,
darling.” She pulled me into a bear hug before stepping back to take me
by the shoulders and look at me, the way mothers do. “Bloody men, hey.” I nodded and let my head fall onto her shoulder. “Cup of tea?”

The first week back in my old house dissolved into a blur of sleep
,
coffee, wine, and more sleep, with a healthy meal occasionally throw
n
in. I wandered listlessly to the local supermarket to buy more chips,
chocolate, and wine, barely noticing the friendly ‘hellos’ from old school
acquaintances whose names I couldn’t remember. I wore no makeup
,
mooched about in tracksuit pants, and breathed in the clean, fresh air
. I sat on the top of a hill overlooking the town, like I used to do when I was younger, and just got lost in my thoughts.

Why I should be single:

It's just easier

I don't need a partner

I wanted to say something really trite, like getting to know onese
lf, but that would be bullshit. I thought I’d just go with the first two.

My phone rang, interrupting my deep and meaningful conversation
with myself. It was most likely my mother asking me to bring home dinner.

"Hey." Gravelly voice.
Oh my God!

"Josh?"

"How are you?"

"I'm fine; I'm on holidays." I needlessly informed him.

"Oh really? Where?"