Flicker (20 page)

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to touch your arm.” As I speak, a new headache flares, and I press my fingers to my temples.

“What is it?” Mom asks, concern written on her face.

              “I keep getting these headaches, I can’t figure out what’s causing them.”

“What have you tried to help with them?”

“Nothing works, except my light.”

“That makes sense.”

“What do you mean?”

“When you were a toddler, I got pneumonia and you crawled under the covers with your light. I put your palm to my chest, and you made the sickness go away.” Her voice is far away as she remembers the past.

              I smile at her memory, never having heard this story before.

              “I couldn’t tell you that at the compound. I couldn’t trust that group, that’s why I kept your light a secret, they would have thought it was a strain of the virus or an infection, and thrown you out of the compound. I’d have lost you.”

“I still don’t know what’s causing them.” I rub my shoulders, even though I know it isn’t a tension headache, it’s deeper than that. When I get back to my room I can use my light, and get rid of the pain.

“When do they happen?”

“All the time, but the last one was last night.”

“Last night? How late?”

“Not very. Why?”

“Last night was when Resolve….”

“When you fell?”

“Yes, and then just now, you accidently touched my arm, hurting me, and your headache came on, right away. Maybe it’s connected. Maybe you can sense things.”

“Well, I’m not going to test out your theory.”

“Your gift could be more than we realize. It would be worth knowing wouldn’t it?”

“You want me to punch you or something to try your theory out? That’s insane.”

“Look, maybe there is no connection. But maybe your ability to heal, to help, is growing.”

“If my gift is growing, or whatever, it scares me. You know how you say you didn’t trust the compound members? Well, that’s how I feel about The Light. I don’t want to just hand myself over to these people … even if I believe in The Light, I’m not ready to be theirs.” I know what being theirs means - the responsibility is overwhelming. I don’t want to be property - I want to be free.

Our conversation is taking place on stolen time. Mom needs to report for duty, but I still need more.

“Mom, are you a true believer of The Light? Do you regret becoming the mate of Resolve?”

“Lucy, I’m glad we made the sacrifice all those years ago, going down in the bunker, sticking it out on the compound for so long. I would do it all over again. I will sacrifice anything for you to have this moment to shine.”

Just like Integrity said, Mom has found her home here; her choices have been given meaning, her purpose revealed, and she wants the same for me. I wish I was like her, but I’m not. Discovering my purpose terrifies me.

chapter twenty-seven

L
unch with Hana and Timid takes my mind off the many things revealed over the course of the morning. They sit with me on my bed and we eat the fresh meal the Refuge has prepared for us. As I jab my fork in the salad I think of Mom, her hands weeding the lettuce I eat, and her purpose in coming here. She did it because she loved me.

“What are you girls doing this afternoon?”

“We need to put in our hours at the laundry center. Then Hana needs to try on her white dress for the ceremony tomorrow,” Timid explains.

“I finally get to wear white like the other Vessels. Aren’t you excited for a dress that matches everyone?” Hana asks.

“I suppose so, I hadn’t thought much about it.” The girls still have a long day of work ahead of them; it isn’t fair that I get to do whatever I want while their nine-year-old bodies do all the hard work. “Sorry you have to work in the laundry center. Can I do something to help make it go quicker?”

“I don’t think Honor would like that. She gets pretty upset if we aren’t doing things for you because she’s scared the Nobleman will find out,” Timid says.

“Find out what?” I squint my eyes in confusion.

“Find out that the Vessel he
loves
has to work, it’ll make her look bad,” Hana states.

“But it’s not fair, me doing nothing. Besides, the Nobleman isn’t like that, he’d never think that way.”

“It doesn’t matter, Lucy. This is the way it works with the Council and Honor. We have to follow their rules, we can’t argue or do something wrong because we’ll get in trouble,” Timid explains.

“Well, I don’t want you in trouble. I’ll talk to the Nobleman about it, okay?”

“Okay.” Hana wraps her arms around my neck. “Do you know when Basil’s going to return? I miss her. I wanted her to be at my Naming Ceremony.”

“I don’t know, Hana, but I do know she’s working hard to come back soon.” I kiss the girls’ foreheads as I get off the bed.  I leave the room, needing to find the Nobleman.

Finding him is easy. He’s in the great room with Perfection; they have a game of checkers set out on the table. It’s the first leisure activity I’ve seen at the Refuge and it startles me. Everyone’s always doing their jobs or at the Haven for a service or behind closed doors. Vessels don’t relax and play games, but this must be one of the special privileges Perfection told me about.

“Lucy! You weren’t invited.” Perfection puts her hands on her hips. “You have to leave.”

“I was just looking for….” I stop, embarrassed to have come to him like this when he is with another girl.

“Looking for me?” The Nobleman stands to greet me, a smile across his face, and the dimple in his cheek showing itself, tempting me to stay despite Perfection’s annoyance. Still, I don’t want to be here if I’m not wanted.

“Oh, I don’t want to interrupt, it looks like you’re busy.” I look at the ground, hiding my gaze from his. I don’t want to reveal so much of myself, especially with Perfection seething at my presence.

“Stay, you aren’t interrupting anything,” he says.

“Nothing? I’m nothing?” Perfection’s hands fly over her head in exasperation. “Seriously, Nobleman? I’ve been waiting for you ever since your brother left. If I can’t have him, you’re the next best thing. The only thing that makes sense. That was the plan!”

“Perfection, listen. Your plan for us doesn’t equal
my plan
. I don’t want to be someone’s second choice.”

“Well, I choose you now.  You are my first choice
now
. I’ll be the perfect Vessel-mate, you have to see that!” Perfection wails as she pummels the Nobleman in the chest. For the first time I realize they’ve known one another for a long time, she’s acting like she has every right to be mad at him.

“Not the perfect Vessel-mate for me, though.” He takes her hands, trying to calm her down. A ball of jealously rumbles inside of me as I witness their familiarity.

“So it’s true then?” Her shoulders slump in defeat and though I want to be annoyed at her, it’s impossible not to pity her, with her perfect heart-shaped face and the single tear droplet running down her rosy cheek. She bites her puckered lip before continuing, “Everyone’s saying you want her instead of me, I can’t eat a meal without someone whispering to me about how this redhead mouse of a girl is getting picked over me.”

“Don’t talk about Lucy like that.”

“But look at me, I’m perfect! Perfect for you.”

“I’ve tried telling you this a thousand times, love doesn’t work that way.”

“Love? Who said anything about love? I am talking about
mates
!” My pity for Perfection gets pushed aside as she shoves the checkerboard pieces to the floor, as if remembering her indignation against the Nobleman. I don’t think she realizes how overboard she’s gone, or maybe she does. I’ve only been around a few girls my age in my life. I don’t know if Perfection is the exception or the rule.

“Perfection, if you want a mate, you can have one. There are plenty of Humblemen here who would be honored to have someone like you.”

She turns to face him, wounded pride crossing her brow. “You think so?” she asks.

As she calms, the vulnerable side of herself is revealed. She wants to be special, wanted, considered. She and I are not that different.

“You think someone would want me if you don’t?” Another big fat tear rolls down her cheek. She looks perfect when she cries, like a delicate flower with dew on its petals.

“I know so.” The Nobleman takes her by the shoulders, giving her another dose of truth. “But you and I are never going to be Bound, I’m sure of it.”

“Charles shouldn’t have left,” she says.

“I know.” He wraps his arms around her, letting her regain composure in his embrace. “Letting go of the ones we loved is not easy.”

Standing in the middle of their conversation is awkward, but I’m glad to see the gentle way the Nobleman speaks with her, he isn’t like the Councilmen at all.

“I’m sure you’re just thrilled to have heard all of that, Lucy,” she says, wiping the tears from her face. “I’m mortified you listened to my breakup.”

“Don’t be embarrassed.” I brush off her words, not wanting to add to her humiliation.

She walks out of the room, her head still held high. I feel sorry for her, and not because she didn’t get what she wanted, but because she’s missing the point of everything. She’s clueless.

“So … that happened,” the Nobleman says, after Perfection has shut the door behind her.

“I didn’t mean to walk in and cause a scene. Truly. I know she … she….”

“She’s just losing the thing she wanted.”

“You.”

“Right.”

“Who’s Charles?” I ask.

“My brother, Charlie. He left with my parents. And he and Perfection … they were best friends.”

“Charlie?” I nearly choke on the name.

“Are you okay, Lucy?” 

  “Humbleman Integrity told me about your parents leaving The Light. And your brother Charlie, he left with them?””

“They left and I stayed behind, all alone. They never even hinted that they were leaving, can you believe that? I don’t even know if they’re alive.”

“When did they leave?” I ask, taking a step towards him, diminishing the safety of the divide between us. 

“Years ago, when I was ten, apparently they couldn’t do it anymore.”

“Do what?”

“Remember how I told you my parents were scientist? After I was born they figured out how to harness my light, how to make me
work
, so to speak. When they wanted to leave, The Light wouldn’t let them take me. After all, I was their prophet. So they stayed here, protecting me in a way from being fully in the hands of The Light. I think my parents believed it too, for a long time. But then … then they didn’t. They decided they didn’t believe the prophecy anymore and just like that, they left me. They were allowed the freedom to go because they traded me.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Me too, they chose freedom over their child. They knew I could never leave The Light, yet they still chose to go. Without me everyone here would suffer, so I’m forced to stay.”

“Where did they go?”

“I don’t know, they wanted to build a better future. They didn’t think The Light was the way and I suppose I was worth sacrificing for the greater good.”

“I think I met him. Your brother.”

“What are you talking about?”

“This cowboy who helped my Mom and I find the boat to bring us here. His name was Charlie, and he knew about the prophet here being … well, he knew about you.”

“This isn’t funny, Lucy.” The Nobleman squints his eyes, trying to connect what I’m saying to his past. “Charlie has been gone six years. Do you really think … do you think it was my brother?”

“I wouldn’t joke about this.” I’m nauseous trying to comprehend what’s going on. But I see the resemblance between the boys I hadn’t before. Same bright eyes, same tall build. Only Lukas has light hair, and Charlie’s hair is dark.

“Was he with anyone else?” The Nobleman’s eyes fill with hope.

“He was alone, but he treated Mom and me so well. He brought us all the way to The Light….”

“Did he say anything about what he did, if he had family?” His eyes hold such optimism; he still wants the family that left him. I understand that ache, because even though Dad chose to leave me - I would take him back in an instant, if I could.

“He told me about a group,” I remember with a start. “People rising up, like a new civilization or something. He asked me to go with him.”

The mood in the room shifts. “Did you want to go with him?”

“In some ways, yes. He offered me what seemed like a choice. That was all I’ve ever wanted, but I needed to follow my mom, she believed I belong here.”

I can see the pain in his eyes as he speaks. When his parents left they broke his heart, and it’s never mended. I step closer, wanting to comfort him, to take away the pain I see in his eyes.

“Lucy….”

“What is it?” I’m closer to him now, close enough to lean over, and touch his illuminating face.

“I need to sit down. I don’t feel well.” He shakes his head, breaking the spell I’m under.

“Should I call for help?”

“No, Lucy, I don’t need help. I’m fine.” He sits down in the chair at the game table and the timing is no longer perfect.

“Sorry if what I said upset you,” I say, sitting across from him.

“That’s not it. I honestly don’t want to talk about it anymore. Knowing he’s out there, living his life, helping damsels in distress just pisses me off. I mean, they left me. That isn’t something I’m going to get over.”

The things I wanted to ask him about Integrity, and the prophecy are put on the back burner. This isn’t the time to bombard him with questions, not when I’ve just thrown so much at him.

“I was in the power room all night, and I swear this Refuge must be using more energy than it used to. It’s exhausting.”

“Do you need to lie down or something?” I ask, feeling like I owe him something after dumping this information on him.

“Sitting’s fine. I want to be with you.” His pale face brightens as I sit across from him, offering a smile. Wanting to give him more.

“Do you want to play checkers?”

“Umm, are there any games with a little more strategy, you think?”

“You like strategy?”

“I’m decent at chess.” I’m being modest, knowing I’m more than decent, even with having only played the same five people all my life.

“Well, it’s your lucky day.” The Nobleman pulls a drawer from the bottom of the checkerboard, revealing a full set of carved wooden chess pieces.

“Perfect.” I begin setting up the game, intent on the placement of the pieces.

“Lucy, are you going to look at me or is this some game of cat and mouse?”

“Don’t you want to play?” I say, avoiding his question.

“I’m really good, you won’t beat me,” he states.

“Confident much? But I could say the same thing to you.”

“Are you really that good, Lucy?”

“I’m really that good.”

The board is set and we begin. I move my knight, and he moves his pawn, and we both put on our poker faces, knowing neither of us is here to lose.

              Thirty minutes later I push back my chair, checking him with the rook. I give him a wink knowing it isn’t just check.

The Nobleman laughs, shaking his head not having realized my win. Smiling, I excuse myself to go to the flower garden, not wanting to shirk my duties. He doesn’t object, but with a flutter I realize I don’t want to leave him. I want him with me.

              “I promised Hana and Timid they could help today, but would you like to come too?” I ask as he cleans up the chessboard.

“I would, but I’m really tired.”

“Of course.” I answer, intentionally keeping my voice airy. “Later then?”