Flicker (23 page)

chapter thirty-one

W
e find a small girl who I’m sure is only five or six years old, huddled in the corner of the tiny closet. She whimpers and I place my hand on her, willing my touch to console her. The flicker in my hand, along with the bright light coming from Lukas, begins to brighten the space and give life back to her eyes.

Taking her hand I help her to her feet, “You’re okay now.”

“I’ll take this side, you get that one,” Lukas says and we begin our way down the hall. Each door we open reveals another Vessel, all different ages, but all with the same broken look across their face.

As I help another young girl, she tries to shield her eyes from the bright light of Lukas, and I can see why this place broke Basil so quick. The child shakes and stares off in the distance, speechless. I press my green light on her cheeks, and she responds to my touch. I am able to release some of her pain, bear it for her. With each girl I help, I feel weaker, as if some of their pain is being transferred to me. Still I press on, opening another door desperate to find Mom.

I look down the hall and see at least fifty doors leading to tiny rooms with shattered girls and mothers and sisters within their walls, and I can only hope Mom is in the next one I open. The Council could walk around the corner any moment and see the havoc we’re wrecking on their sick system of control, and push us into the closets.

I’m exhausted once we’re at the end of the row, Vessels stream the hallway in various stages of shock and relief. There are only two doors left to open, one for Lukas and one for me. I press my hand against the lock, desperate to see Mom. Instead I find Duty in a heap on the floor.

“Did you find her? I don’t know where he put her!” Duty cries to me.

“We haven’t found her yet. Are you okay? We went back for you and you were gone!” I give her my hands to help her to her feet. “I shouldn’t have left you alone, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, you are here now. Resolve had it out for her ever since she got here, I think because he wanted to be Bound to you, and the Council said no, saving you for the Nobleman. He’s been taking it out on all of us. But then last night when you made your announcement, he was so jealous and angry.” Her words are covered in a blanket of tears.

Lukas calls for me and I spin to see the door open across the hall. Mom is there, lying with blood across her body, silent. No wailing like Duty, she is still.

“Mom!” I scream, falling down to her, holding her face in my hands. I gasp for breath, as I look into her eyes. “Mom, don’t go.”

“I was wrong, this place isn’t where you belong, where any of us belong,” she whispers, her lips sallow, her words haunting.

“Mom, wait.” I cry into her face, wanting my tears to make her whole. I press my palm against her cheek, her chest, but it does nothing. My light isn’t strong enough after I have offered it to so many Vessels already. It’s fades as I try, but I’m unwilling to give up. I beg Lukas, not ready to lose another person, “Do something! You must!”

All the Vessels we freed watch as Lukas tries to use his light to wake her up, but it doesn’t work that way. His light isn’t a life-giver or a life-maker. It is a force, and one to be reckoned with, but not a magic wand that makes everything whole.

“I can’t save you, it’s too late.” I press my hand to the open wound on her head, her swelling face fading of life. My small green flicker of light isn’t strong enough. I’m not enough to save her. “Mom, it can’t end this way.”

“This isn’t your end, Lucy,” she whispers, her life force slipping through my fingers as I hold her close, her breathing shallow until it’s gone.

Her chest heaves as she fights for breath, but it is too late. She’s been broken by Resolve.

“No,” I cry, knowing I’d give anything to have more light inside of me. Enough light to rid the world of evil men wearing the guise of religion. Enough light to bring my mother back.

“She’s gone.” Lukas closes her eyelids with his hands, and the finality of the movement causes my heart to crash to the ground, breaking into pieces I don’t want anymore.

Large voices bellow from deep down the hall, where we started opening the doors. Discernment. Rely. Integrity.

That heart of mine, the one that just moments ago broke on the floor, begins beating once more … stronger than ever …
because it must
. That is the thing about choice; I’ve had it all along. I just never knew it was mine for the taking. Either I can sit here on the ground, broken, or I can stand.

I choose to stand.

“Vessels, you must stay strong,” I say, wanting them to be brave in ways I have never been. “The Nobleman and I are trying to find a way to help you.”

Duty speaks up, “You both must go, we will be okay, but they’ll come after you.” The Vessels nod in agreement.

I don’t want to leave them to fend for themselves, yet I know if we stay and are seen, we will be locked up, never given an opportunity to help them again.

“Lukas, we have to go, now.” I take his hand, and with my flicker nearly diminished it is only Lukas’ light that fills the hall. 

We run down the hall, away from the girls. I look over my shoulder and see in the distance Duty’s gathered the girls together, forming a resistance line that will keep us out of their sight for a bit longer. I hope the girls do whatever they can to keep quiet about Lukas and me, for as long as possible because it’s the only way to buy us more time.

“Where are we going?” Lukas asks me, as our color rainbow trails behind us.

“We have to find Timid and Hana.”

We race to my room through empty halls. Everyone must have left the Haven and come to the hallway where the dark rooms are to see what’s caused such a commotion.

I shut my bedroom door behind us and look around, but no one’s here.

“Where are they?” I turn in a circle, lost. “I can’t let the Council touch them. They’re the only good things left in this place. I promised Basil I’d take care of Hana and I can’t break my word. I can’t!” Time is not on our side, and it caves in on us every second we don’t find the girls.

“Lucy, calm down. We will be okay. Just think, where else could they go?”

“Jobs. They have jobs in the laundry and the kitchen. I don’t know what else, but we can’t run around looking for them. We’ll be found.”

“We can’t stand around in here, we have to go and at least try to find them.”

“Maybe they won’t realize it was us who opened the doors. No locks were damaged, maybe they’ll think it was just a freak accident.” My mind races, then lands on what we need to do.

“If that’s the case, it still doesn’t change anything.”

“Don’t you see? If I wash the blood away, then we can walk out of here. The Council will have no proof it was us, surely the Vessels we freed will corroborate. Lukas, this plan will work. Don’t you think?”

“I think so,” he says with a slow nod. “Now we just need to clean you up.”

My hair’s a mess, Duty’s blood clings to my dress, Mom’s blood too.
Mom.
I can’t think of her now, we don’t have time. I breathe deep and try to let go of the images of her dying in my arms, thinking of her now won’t help anyone.

I turn around and lift the hair trailing down my back. Lukas moves in front of me, loosening my braid as he looks into my eyes. Biting my lip, I begin unfastening the hook on the back of my dress. The air’s grown charged and we aren’t even touching. I gingerly move my fingers to the next hook.

“Let me help you.” His face shines luminous in the soft light of the room. Moving behind me, he places his hand against my neck, then nearly brushes his lips against my skin as he unfastens the next hook on the row lining my spine. My body shivers as his breath exhales against my skin.

“Lucy, I’m so sorry.” He moves his hands across the back of my dress, and as each hook becomes undone, so does my body. He has captivated all of me as the dress falls to my waist.

“Don’t.” I turn around, shushing him with my finger pressed against his lips. I can’t let tears fall over Mom. Not now when so much is at stake. I lean towards him, the tender in-between of strength and sorrow teetering in the space where our lips nearly meet.

The door swings open, and there stands the Council with Honor and Perfection. With unyielding faces it’s clear they’re ready to find the perpetrators for the crime of freeing the Vessels, but walking in on Lukas and I doesn’t appear to be a crime scene.

What they find is me half dressed, Lukas and I wrapped around one another, hands on each other’s faces. My hair hangs around my shoulders and chest, covering part of me at least. I step away from Lukas, embarrassed.

“Nobleman, what is going on here?” Discernment demands. “Your light, dim it!” He screams.

“Council, I apologize on our behalf,” says Lukas. “This was not meant to be a moment shared with you. Perhaps we could go in the hall, if there is something urgent to discuss? So Lucy could dress.”

Everyone’s eyes turn to look at me, and I know my face is as bright as my hair.

“Sorry. We thought the door was locked….” I mumble, staring at the ground.

“Councilmen, let the girl dress.” Honor turns her daughter away. “This is an abomination. Perfection, do not look at this, your virtue is too pure to see such recklessness.”

“Council, after you,” Lukas says, directing them to leave.

“You need to explain the color in your light … have you been hiding an increase of your light from the Council?” Depend questions.

“It must be a fluke, I have never had such intense feelings for a Vessel before.”

He turns to me before shutting the door and whispers, “That worked better than our plan.”

I drop the dress draped around my waist, letting it fall to the floor, wanting the blood of my mother gone from my body.

Falling on the bed, guilt overcomes me as I think of what I almost did with Lukas.
Mom just died
, not even an hour ago. I lost myself in him when I should have been mourning her.

The shock of my choice overwhelms me, and a sob escapes my lips.
Stay quiet, Lucy. They’re outside the door and can’t know of your part in this. Pull yourself together. Stay strong, like Mom wanted.

I force myself to stand, despite my urge to crawl under the covers. As I put a clean dress over my body my fingers tremble on the hooks. I focus on brushing my hair, braiding it in swift motions. I avoid the mirror; unprepared to see the orphan girl I’ve become.

I walk out my bedroom door ready to be the blushing-near-mate of the Nobleman, pretending I don’t know that my own mother has just died.

chapter thirty-two

W
e walk as a herd to the Council Chambers. Perfection’s with us, for reasons I don’t quite understand. She keeps looking back at me with pursed lips and narrow eyes; her lingering feelings for the man by my side are obvious.

We don’t dare let our fingers brush against one another in the Councilmen’s presence, not wanting them to know how strong we become when our energy is joined, or that our combined light creates rainbow colors.

In the chamber, papers are still strewn about, mocking us with their detailed plans. The men sit behind their large desk, and Perfection and Honor stand next to them, as though they are the jury, we the accused.

“While you two, uhmm,” Humbleman Discernment coughs then clears his throat. “While you were
preoccupied
this afternoon an incident took place in the Refuge.”

“What sort of incident?” The Nobleman asks, feigned concern written on his face.

“An escape of some sort,” Discernment explains. “Vessels in the dark rooms were released. We have a few suspects, and we will be questioning them shortly.”

“Why did you come to my room, Council? Are the suspects running loose?” I ask, filling my voice with distress. “Are we in danger?” My distortion of the truth slips out with ease.

“We wanted you both to know … because … well it appears another
situation
occurred during the incident.”

“What is it?” the Nobleman presses.

“Nobleman, earlier when you came in here you were angry about our plans to improve the Refuge without notifying you first. I think though, after you hear about what happened you’ll be more than willing to help us with what we need, because it will increase safety at the Refuge.”

“Lucy, maybe you’d better sit down,” Humbleman Integrity says, looking at me, with worn and tired eyes, grey settling in around the men.

I swallow. I know what they’re going to say, but it doesn’t make it any less real. I haven’t had a chance to process what has happened, and now as I sit in the heavy wood chair, I brace myself.

“Lucy, your mother has committed a terrible act. She killed herself.”

My heart drops. I shake my head knowing this is not true. All of their words are lies. I held her face as she died in my arms, as she whispered her final truths while looking in my eyes.

“Lucy, I know it is shocking, and a selfish way to leave this world, but she was a Vessel in our fold, and you will see her in the next life, when The Light inherits the earth,” Humbleman Discernment says.

“No this isn’t possible, she was just….” I shake my head in disbelief that they would twist the truth like this, to avoid the real horror.
Humbleman Resolve did this to her.

“This is heavy news to absorb, Lucy,” Humbleman Depend says coolly. “But we must move forward and find the person who has undermined The Light by opening the doors.”

“Nobleman, if you can come with us, we need to investigate, and you have a way of, shall we say, bringing things to light,” says Humbleman Depend.

              “Lucy, Perfection will stay with you for today. I’m sure you’ll want to rest as you come to terms with the choice the Vessel you knew as your mother made. Perfection will assist you, since she’s the Vessel you know best.” Discernment gravely nods his head, as though the decision is final.

I look at Lukas. I don’t want to be with Perfection, I want to be with him. And the girls. Hana and Timid.

“No,” I shake my head, tears in my eyes. “I need my helpers with me. Remove them from their duties, they’ll be in my room today. They are the ones who know me closest.” I speak with deliberate cool, when all I want is to strangle the men in front of me.

“Are you serious?” Perfection folds her arms and huffs out of the room.  Calling out before she leaves, “This so typical you know, Lucy. You’re a liar and a thief, and now motherless!” She slams the door behind her, revealing more about herself than me.

“Very well. Honor, make sure Lucy’s helpers are with her,” Lukas says. “I’ll walk her to her room and then meet the Council back here.”

I don’t want to ask fake questions about what they say Mom did, I won’t dishonor her in that way. Instead I force myself to move my legs one in front of the other, willing myself to exit in one piece, holding back everything I want to do and say.

Silence fills the hall as we walk to my room, shell-shocked from lies the Council just laid before us.

My mother is dead, but she didn’t kill herself. Her death came from the hands of a man who now roams the Refuge freely, and the Council knows that.

Lukas opens the door for me, knowing he has to report back to the Council. I grab his sleeve before he leaves, not wanting to be alone.

“We have to get out of here.” The truth of what has happened numbs me.

“We will, Lucy, if it’s the last thing we do.”

My hand aches as though it wasn’t strong enough or prepared to open all the doors, use all that power at once. Exhaustion consumes me, Hana and Timid place cool washcloths on my head, “Shhh. Lucy, it’ll be okay. We’ll always stay with you, we won’t leave you.” Their voices float over me, comforting me in a small way.

I try to think of ways to leave. We could run away in the middle of the night, jump off the ledge. But I know that would ruin Lukas, he cares so much for the Vessels and he would never leave them at the mercy of the Council. We could kill the Council, stage a coup, take The Light as our own. But murder is not something I want on my hands, I will not stoop to Resolve’s sick level. I toss and turn, without any way out of here.

I close my eyes and focus on finding the dancing stars inside me. They are my one constant comfort, but they’re gone. Everything has been taken from me. The shining stars have been the light inside of me, just waiting to get out, but I used everything within me to try and save Mom.

As this dawns on me, a glint of light reappears in my hand. Tears of relief fall down my cheeks, the more I understand myself, the more light I am granted. I close my eyes, and the light inside me returns. The shimmering stars inside lull me into a deep sleep and in my dreams I return to the compound, with Diane’s scolding finger in my face,
“Your mother’s wrong to let you go outside. She doesn’t love you, if she did, she’d keep you inside.”
Her voice echoes deep inside me, and then I see my father, patting my hand,
“There, there, little pet, you just stay quiet.”
He spent sixteen years patronizing me.

Mom wanted me to have a chance at life by bringing me here. She had no idea that we walked right back into a compound, only this one more powerful. There’s no shortage of food here because of the light Lukas gives. There is no shortage of people; we all continue to flock to them because there’s nothing else in this world. There is a desolate wasteland of overgrown buildings on dead power grids. Thugs lurk around every corner waiting to steal and destroy. I can’t run into the dangerous world with these girls and the Nobleman. We’d have no real chance at survival.

Besides, Basil’s still on another Refuge, somewhere on an island, alone, holding onto the promise I made before they took her away.

Timid shakes me awake, screaming, “They took Hana. They say she was bad like her sister. The Councilmen say she must pay!” The little girl who uses few and quiet words shouts at me.

“Why?” I ask sitting up in confusion.

“They say she was the one who opened all the doors. But it wasn’t, she was with me all morning, it can’t be true. Make them stop!”

No. No. No. I run out of the room and see Lukas coming towards me.

“Lucy, it’s too late. They said she had to leave right away to not impart her wickedness on the other Vessels. I’m so sorry.” Behind his illumination, his face is filled with pain.

“What? Just like that you’re letting them take her?” I scream, and then remembering anyone could be listening, I lean in and whisper behind gritted teeth, “She’s innocent, her blood is on our hands. We must tell the Councilmen, she can’t take the fall for us!”

“They will not believe us now, and if they did, we will be helpless to save anyone else. Listen, Lucy, we will get her back, but if we confess now they will put us both in the Energy Room, locked to chairs, until we die. That is not the way!”

He pushes open my bedroom door and we slip in, needing to keep this conversation between us.

I don’t want to listen to this; I want to do something to save Hana. “Where were you when this happened, why didn’t you convince them of something else?” I throw all my fury from the day at him.

“They told me to go look at the dark room doors and make sure they weren’t broken.” His illuminated eyes fill with glistening tears. “I fixed them, Lucy, I put small casts of light in each one; it will no longer be dark for the Vessels when they go in them. It took a long time because I had to put my hands over the walls, to charge them. Duty came to me while I was working and she let me know everyone has sworn to keep our secret, they want us to succeed because we helped them.”

His words are a balm on my broken heart, and my confidence in him is renewed. He wasn’t there to stop the Councilmen because he was doing something good, the only thing he could.

“When I finished, I came back to their Chamber, but it was too late. The boat was already gone.”

“Where? Where did it go?”

“They wouldn’t tell me. I mean, it’s either Refuge One or Two, but I can’t just go there now. They want me here to give them source.”

“Go ask again, demand to be taken.”

“It is not that simple. If I disagree, I will be put on lock down, and then what? They must have known I would resist if I knew.” He blows air out of his cheeks, frustrated at how tied his hands are. “They brought in a load of new Vessels tonight and they took Hana away after they dropped off the new members of the fold.

More girls for the slaughterhouse. The Light’s numbers grow because there is nowhere else for women and children to go. Except the
Safe House
. My heart surges as I remember the words Charlie spoke.

“There are people fighting for a new world, a new kind of life. You can join, you can come with me.”

“We need to find your brother Charlie. He told me if I wanted to leave that I should find him. That’s where we need to go.”

“You want me to find the brother who deserted me, leaving me alone with The Light, knowing full well I was to be their battery?” Lukas throws up his hands, blasting light across the room. “You want me to go to him? How could you ask me to do that?”

“I don’t know, but maybe he’s changed, I mean, he helped Mom and me. He wasn’t a monster like you’re making him out to be. I’m sure he loved you.
Loves you.
Maybe he knows where your parents are.”

“Why are you defending him?” Lukas crosses his arms and steps back in self-preservation, as if moving from me will lessen his hurt. “He is dead to me, Lucy.”

“Don’t you dare say that, Lukas!”
My mother and my father really are dead.
“You can’t say that about people who are living.”

“Sorry.” Exhaustion covers his shoulders, and they fall heavy in defeat.

“Listen, Charlie was good to me. He held my hand and made me feel safe. He’s a good person.”

“You held his hand? You touched him? You wouldn’t even touch me, Lucy.”

“It’s different.”

“Is it though?” He sneers, as if I intentionally chose to hurt him.

“Lukas, you’re not him,” I try to take his hand, but he pulls away. Not giving up, I try once more, “Actually, he isn’t
you.
”

Those aren’t the words he is looking for. “I need to think, Lucy, just let me be.” He walks away from me, but it feels like he’s walking away from us.