Flat-Out Love (35 page)

Julie had to stop her. “I can’t hear this right now. I’m sorry. Not now.”

“You have to leave her alone, Celeste. She’s had enough.” Matt put his arm around Celeste’s shoulder. “Are you OK? We were worried about you.”

She tried to smile. “I will be. Will you stay here with me, Matty? Just for a while? I feel close to Finn here.”

“If that’s what you want, sure.”

She snuggled into her brother’s arm. “Tell me again about the time you camped out in the backyard, and how the fabric caught fire when Finn decided to roast marshmallows inside the tent.”

Julie stood up. She reached down and took the car keys out of Matt’s hand. He looked up at her. It was impossibly brave of him to sit there with Celeste, on a bench right next to where their brother’s life had been violently and unforgivably taken away. She couldn’t stand the sadness in Matt’s eyes, and so she focused on the keys now in her hand. “I’ll take the car home and call Erin and Roger.”

“Julie.” The crack in his voice gutted her. “Thank you. For everything.”

“Matt…” Unable to say good-bye, she turned and ran to the car, telling herself that her eyes were stinging from the sharp wind that came off the river.

There was just enough tape left to seal the last cardboard box. Dana and Jamie would be there in a half hour to help her move. There really wasn’t much to load into his Jeep, so at least this should go quickly.

There was a knock on the door, and Erin stepped into the room. “You look as if you’re just about set. Can I do anything to help?’

Julie shook her head. “No. I think that’s everything.”

Erin sat down on the bed and took a deep breath. “You’ve been crying.”

Julie nodded.

“I had a long talk with Roger and Matthew this afternoon. Thank you for finding Celeste today. We were in quite a panic, as you can imagine.”

“I’m just glad she’s all right. That’s all that matters.”

“Physically, she’s safe. But she’s not all right. None of us are. Julie, I’d like to tell you a few things, if you don’t mind.” Erin clasped her hands together. “Matthew told me that you know about Finn. About the accident.”

“Yes. I’m so sorry.” Julie sat down next to Erin. “I’m not sure what to say. I can’t begin to understand how hard this has been.”

“There are some things about the accident that you don’t know and that might help you begin to comprehend why I never stopped this whole Finn charade.”

“Erin, you don’t owe me an explanation for anything. Really.”

“I want you to hear this. It might take the edge off what you’re going through.” Erin rubbed her hands over her knees, pausing before she began. “The accident was entirely my fault. I never should have been driving that day. I killed Finn. I am solely responsible for my son’s death.”

“It was an accident. Nobody blames you.”

“It was an accident, yes, but there’s more to it. I doubt Matthew told you this piece of the story, because he wanted
to protect me. I gather you know that I have a history of severe depression? It’s all right. There have been enough secrets. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that, but I’m still working on it. I had been doing well on the medication I’d been taking. I was functioning, happy even. Then I did what many people do. I went off them. I was content, enjoying life, and felt so strongly that I didn’t need them anymore. I would be fine. Well, I couldn’t. Nobody with my sort of depression could. I spiraled downward so quickly. It must have been terrifying for my family. Roger couldn’t persuade me to start taking them again. I know that sounds strange, but in as depressive a state as I was in, I just could not see things rationally. I refused. I was hopeless and tired of fighting my despair.

“That day in February, I was completely out of touch with reality. Detached and dissociated, really. I got into the car with the vague thought that a drive might give me a sense of escape. I don’t remember this happening, but apparently Finn heard me start the car. He raced after me and jumped into the back seat. I drove by the river. Now I can hear hints of his voice, what he was saying to me, how he was trying to get me to pull over. But that day, as I drove, I had no awareness that Finn was with me, Julie. Can you believe that? I was so out of it that I forgot my own son was with me. I couldn’t see him or understand what he was saying to me. Nothing. My depressive fog blocked out everything except the concept of relief, even if it was only temporary. It was easy just to let the cloudy feeling take over for a while. Driving around aimlessly and letting my depression be in charge felt as if it would help. I should never have been behind the wheel that day. The car hit a patch of black ice, spun full circle, and smashed into a tree.”

“Erin…”

“You don’t need to hear the details of the accident. Suffice it to say that it was gruesome. I’ll be haunted forever by what I saw that day.” Erin touched a hand to her cheek and closed her eyes. “It was incredibly icy. There had been accidents all over the city. The police considered my crash a result of the weather. Plain and simple. Which was true, to a degree, but my having gone off the medication was the real reason that I lost control of the car. Roger arranged for me to get inpatient help. Matthew didn’t know at the time that the accident was a result of my having stupidly stopped taking my meds. We told him later. He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to think less of me. Maybe there would have been an accident even if I’d been clearheaded that day. But Finn wouldn’t have been in the back seat without a seat belt on, and he wouldn’t have died. The hard truth is that I killed my son, Julie. That’s why I have avoided my family since that day. I don’t deserve to be a mother. I cannot be responsible for Matthew and Celeste after what I’ve done. I don’t know how.”

Julie put her hand on Erin’s back. “You are still their mother. You will always be.”

Erin nodded vigorously and opened her eyes. “Eventually I will see that. I’m going to get there. I need to get some help, though. Having these amazing blinders on for so long has made it possible to keep going. Flat Finn let me pretend. From now on, I need to do better. I will do better. We all have to find a way to get through this.”

Everything that Julie could think to say felt beyond inadequate. She wrapped her arms around Erin and held her while she cried.

It was late August. Julie opened another packet of sugar and poured it into her coffee. The café was quiet today, which was nice because it meant she’d be able to hear everything Celeste had to say without distraction.

Just as she had promised, she’d been meeting Celeste here every Monday afternoon since Julie had moved out of the Watkinses’ house. Sometimes Celeste walked here alone, and sometimes Roger or Erin came with her. Never Matt, though. Julie hadn’t responded to any of Matt’s e-mails except once when she asked him to please never be the person who came with Celeste. She wasn’t ready to see him. Maybe one day, maybe never. It had been three months since Julie had said good-bye to him on that bench by the river. He had stopped writing her last month.

Dana had been pushing her all summer to talk about Matt, but she just couldn’t. The last time Dana tried, Julie had nearly dumped a bowl of cereal on her head. After that, her roommate had the good sense not to bring him up.

The summer had been nice. Quiet, uneventful, and perhaps a little boring. Precisely what she had needed. Julie had been doing an internship at a small publishing house in Cambridge,
a position that she figured would look good on her resume. And it had kept her distracted. Kate had come to visit for a long weekend in July, but Julie was surprisingly less homesick than she would have imagined.

“There she is!”

Julie looked up just as Celeste threw her arms around her neck in a hug. “Hey, kiddo! How was the Cape? I missed you last week.”

Celeste flopped into a chair and tossed her hair back. She had a light tan, and her hair had lightened even more in the summer sun. She was radiant.

“Hi, Julie.” Roger leaned in and gave Julie a kiss on the cheek. “Nice to see you.”

“You too.”

“Celeste has been dying to get together and tell you about her triumphant fishing expedition.”

Celeste beamed. “We all went deep-sea fishing, and I caught a sizeable bluefish. Even the captain was impressed. The beast put up a tireless fight, and Matt had to take over for me a few times. In the end, I successfully reeled in the clichéd catch of the day. I’ll show you pictures next time.”

“She really was amazing,” Roger said proudly. “The captain filleted the fish for us, and Erin cooked it for dinner.”

“Erin cooked?” Julie asked, shocked.

Roger laughed. “Amazing, isn’t it? My wife has become obsessed with cooking, and not a takeout carton has been seen in the past three weeks.”

“I’m speechless.”

“You’ll have to come for dinner one night. I can’t guarantee that the meal will be entirely edible, but it
will
be homemade.”

Julie nodded politely. She hadn’t been back to the house since she had left.

“I’m going to be in a recital in two weeks. Would you come? Rachel is playing the trumpet, and I’ll be playing the piano. As you can tell, it’s an unusual sort of duet, and Rachel is not particularly gifted when it comes to any musical instrument.” Celeste paused. “Most notably the trumpet. She makes up for lack of talent by a frequent use of exaggerated facial expressions when blowing into the mouthpiece.”

“Of course I’ll come to the recital,” Julie said. “I’m glad performing arts camp has been such a success.”

“Attending has compensated for having to be present at weekly individual
and
family therapy sessions. I find those challenging and draining.”

“I would think so.”

“As much as I loathe the experience, you can guess how Matty feels about therapy.” Celeste grinned.

Julie laughed. She knew exactly how much Matt must hate going.

“Didn’t you have something else to ask Julie?” Roger tousled Celeste’s hair.

“I do. Julie, this is serious.” Celeste reached into the small purse she had over her shoulder and pulled out an envelope that she set on the table. “This is an invitation. I’m having a going-away party for Flat Finn.”

Julie was stunned. She took the envelope from Celeste and opened it. The details of the party had been printed on expensive stock, and a small ribbon was tied at the top of the card. “Really?”

“Yes. I was inspired by the party that your mother threw for you when you left home, and this party is in the same spirit. Except that I want a brunch. Finn loved bagels and lox. The only guests will be you, Mom, Dad, and Matty. It’s a private party, for obvious reasons. It won’t be sad, though. The plan is
for the day to be a celebration. Flat Finn served a crucial purpose, and it’s important to show our gratitude.”

“Where will Flat Finn go?” Julie had visions of Flat Finn being burned to ashes over the grill or hacked to bits with a carving knife. That would be dreadful. She had a fondness for the cutout brother, however dysfunctional and immobilizing he may have been.

“He’s just going up to the attic.” She shrugged. “Just in case. And maybe a time will come when I will find the entire Flat Finn experience amusing. I might want to show him to my grandchildren one day.
Back when I was a highly disturbed child
…You know. It might be entertaining.”

“Yes, it might.”

“So you’ll come, right?”

Julie couldn’t say no. “Absolutely. There is no way I would miss this.” She could face Matt for one day.

“Excellent. So next Saturday at eleven we will celebrate. Please note that it’s casual attire. Flat Finn wouldn’t want anyone in ball gowns or tuxedos.”

“Understood.”

Roger snapped his fingers. “Damn. And I was hoping to wear my lime-green suit and matching tie that day.”

Celeste groaned. “Mom would never allow that. She has impeccable taste. I’m going to go get us some drinks. Back momentarily.” She headed to the counter to order.

Julie looked at Roger. “I cannot believe that is the same girl I met almost a year ago. She seems incredibly happy.”

“She is. She’s doing well. There are hard days still, but she has surprised us all.”

Julie leaned forward. “Truthfully, I’m glad she hasn’t lost all her Celeste-ness. I like her unique personality.”

“I do too.” Roger fiddled with a sugar packet. “How are you, kid? You seem…subdued.”

“I’m fine. Just distracted, I guess. Busy. Gearing up to head back to school.”

“Uh-huh. If you say so.” Something caught his eye, and he reached his hand out. “Julie? Where did you get this? Is this Matthew’s?” He held the stone of her necklace in his hand.

“Oh.” She sat back, pulling it from his grasp, and clasped her hand to her chest.

As much as she couldn’t bear to think about Matt, she hadn’t been able to take off the necklace. It was part of her—her and Finn—and she wouldn’t feel like herself without it.

Roger squinted. “It
is
Matthew’s. Did he tell you what this is?”

Confused, she shook her head. She hadn’t really thought about where it had come from. Obviously not from Finn’s worldly travels, though. She assumed Matt had picked it up at a store nearby.