Flat-Out Love (34 page)

Julie nodded. “Of course.”

“I didn’t mean to lie to you. I didn’t think you’d be here that long. Nobody stays in our lives anymore. We’re all alone. So when you e-mailed Finn, I wrote back. You were easy to talk to, and I needed to feel close to someone. To you.”

“You should have told me. After you knew I was staying, you should have told me.”

“I know. My mom and I fought about that. I didn’t want you living here because she didn’t want you to know the truth, and I thought you should. But she saw what we all came to see. That you are brilliant with Celeste. With all of us. You were this life force that we needed so desperately. I didn’t stop things between you and me—you and Finn—because it was the first time that
I’d felt anything in so long. I got to be myself for the first time in years, with no constraints and no labels. You freed me.”

Julie crossed the room until she was standing in front of Matt. Her heart broke for him. She stepped in closer and took his head in her hands, making him look her in the eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

He didn’t say anything, and she could feel him trembling. God, he looked so drained.

“Why aren’t you yelling at me? You have to be angry,” he said quietly.

“I’m too sad to yell. I don’t get to be angry with you, do I? Your brother died, so I don’t get to be angry.”

He reached up and put his hands on her arms. “I never meant for this to become so complicated. I didn’t plan this.” His voice shook.

Julie touched his cheek softly and then ran her fingers over his lips. “This was never going to end well. You realize that, don’t you?”

“It could.”

“No. This is too messed up,” she told him.

“I know,” he said.

“And you’re so broken.” She wiped a tear from his cheek.

“I know.”

“And you hurt me.”

“I know. I never, never wanted to hurt you. You have to believe that.”

“I understand. I really do,” Julie managed to say. “But what Finn and I had was real. And you wrecked that.”

“There was no you and Finn. There was you and me.”

“No.”

“This,” he said gesturing between them, “is real. You and I are real.”

“No, we’re not. We’re not anything, Matt. Not after this.”

“Don’t say that. Julie, please don’t say that. I fell in love with you. And you fell in love with me.”

She brushed the hair from his face and stepped in closer. There wasn’t anything she could do to fix this—she could put hinges on Flat Finn, but there were no hinges for grief and deception. Anyway, she was too shattered now to pick him up from this. Her heart was broken. She missed Finn. She missed the Matt she used to know. He looked so completely spent, so full of anguish. She stroked his hair as she cradled his head in her hands. If there were a way for her to take away his suffering, she would. He would do the same for her, she knew that.

She lifted her mouth to his, kissing him deeply. Deliberately this time. She knew what she was doing. Matt’s lips moved with hers, his emotion tangible, his aching too much. Julie let herself disappear into the moment. It was easier than thinking, than trying to understand what had happened. The words he had written to her as Finn played over and over:
You can look back now and see how you should have known, but you were focusing on the facts instead of the feeling
. Matt had been trying to prepare her.

But now she didn’t know who this boy was, this damaged, lost boy who was kissing her as if he’d never see her again. As if she was everything he wanted. Now her own tears poured down her face. Julie kissed him harder, endlessly, not wanting this to stop but knowing it had to. For just a few more minutes, she let herself drown in the feel of him, because his mouth, his lips, his tongue, his kiss…This moment overshadowed the real world and took her away from misery. His hands roamed her back and her arms, desperate to show her how much he wanted her. She fought back a sob and pulled her mouth from his, kissing his cheeks, his neck, snuggling against the fabric
of his shirt. Her hands moved down his chest, then wrapped around his waist, hugging him. She just wanted to hold Matt, even if this was the last time. His arms encircled her body, and he hung on to her. There had been days over this past year when he had made her feel safe and protected when he had held her. It had been so natural to let him hold her, so easy. So easy that she had stupidly never questioned it. None of those times mattered, though, because everything before today had been a lie.

He whispered in her ear, his voice breaking. “Julie, tell me that you fell in love with me too. I know you did. I can feel it.”

“No, Matty,” she said, crying. “I fell in love with Finn. I loved that boy, that imaginary, wonderful fantasy boy. That boy wasn’t you. He was someone else, someone who never really existed. And…maybe part of me did fall in love with some version of you too, but that wasn’t real either. And now I’ve lost you both. You’ve broken my heart twice.”

“Please. I meant everything I wrote to you. Everything.” Matt was pleading with her now and squeezed his arms around her tightly. “I used to go skydiving and bungee jumping. Finn and I did those things together. After he died, I couldn’t take any more risks like that. It wasn’t fair to my parents. Or Celeste. I used to be different. My life was about more than managing and coping and keeping everything together. There was more to me. You started to bring that back. We have something here, Julie. You know that.”

“We don’t have anything.” She wiped her eyes on his shirt. It killed her to say this to him. She knew better than anybody how fragile Matt was right now and how much of himself he was giving to her. “Please don’t make this harder. Please don’t make me hurt you more. But Matt…Nothing that happened has been true.”

“I need you,” he begged. “You’re everything I’m not.”

“And you’re everything I don’t want.” Julie pushed away, breaking his embrace, and shook her head. “If you loved me, you couldn’t have done this. You couldn’t have been so careless with me. You know pain and loss and hurt better than anyone.” She hated each word as it came out of her mouth. “And that’s what you gave me. I know that it’s not the same. I know yours is worse. I’m so sorry for you, Matt. For your whole family. You’ve all been through hell. And you’ve been braver than anyone could. But I hurt now too. And I can’t love you.”

The alarm clock went off, filling the room with a hideously syrupy old Lifehouse song. Cursing herself for forgetting to turn the alarm off last night, Julie rolled over and yanked the cord out of the wall, but the music kept playing.
God damn that battery backup!
She had been in bed since seven the night before, having mumbled something to Erin through the door about not feeling well. Her eyes burned, and her head and heart ached. Everything hurt. There was really no good reason to get up except to finish packing. She was moving to Dana’s tomorrow. She wanted out of here as quickly as possible. But the idea of mustering the energy she’d need to pack was further debilitating. Even with the torturous music, the dark room was safe. The world was on hold.

Holing up in her room since the dreadful talk with Matt was childish perhaps, but she didn’t care. Of course, it wasn’t really her room. It was Matt’s. He must have moved out so that the family didn’t have to deal with the agony of Finn’s empty bedroom. She threw her arm over her eyes. Poor Matt had taken on the brunt of the family’s grief.

After lying in bed for another hour and suffering through “Romance Hour” on the local radio station, she finally dragged
herself from the sheets and sat in front of her computer. There was one more thing that she had to do. She clicked on
Finn Is God’s
page one last time and reread his status updates.
Matt’s
status updates. It was so hard to reconcile the truth with what she had believed for so many months. She moved the cursor to remove him from her friends list and then stopped. Under his profile picture she saw it. It was his birthday today. It was the real Finn’s birthday. She couldn’t take this; she deleted him immediately.

Julie didn’t understand why she was feeling such a loss. It’s not as though she’d actually known Finn. It had been Matt the whole time. Technically she hadn’t
lost
anyone. But it felt as if she had. To amp up her misery was the fact that she had hurt Matt so terribly yesterday. That might be the worst piece of all.

Julie heard the house phone ring, and moments later Matt’s voice filled the house. “Julie! Julie!”

She hadn’t seen him since yesterday, when she had dropped from his embrace and fled to her room. The last thing she wanted was to face him now, but the tone of his voice let her know something was wrong.

“Julie!” Matt flung open the door. “Celeste is gone.”

“What? What do you mean
gone
?”

“She didn’t show up for third period today. My mother just called. She and Dad are heading over to the school now to see if anyone has seen her. Today is…today—”

“I know.” Julie stood up. “It’s Finn’s birthday.” This day must be intolerably painful. She rushed to the closet and yanked a shirt from a hanger. “We’ll find her.”

“I don’t know where she could be. Something is wrong. She has never skipped class.”

“Go start the car. I’ll be down in a minute.”

Matt nodded. “OK. Julie? Thank you. I know you hate me right now.”

He disappeared before she could protest.

Ten minutes later, Matt and Julie were in the car and heading toward Celeste’s school. It seemed worthwhile to drive around the area on the off-chance that she might be nearby. Julie had tried Rachel’s house; however, her mother hadn’t heard from Celeste, and Rachel was most definitely in class today. Julie was hoping the two girls had ditched school together. Rachel’s mom promised to call if she got news.

Matt tapped the steering wheel. “Where could she be? Where could she be?”

“She’ll be fine. She wouldn’t have done anything stupid. It’s got to be a hard day for her. For all of you.”

“Yes, it is.” He kept his eyes straight ahead. “I had to tell her about our…talk. She would have wondered what was wrong. I don’t imagine that helped her.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so…callous yesterday. I just can’t…” Her words trailed off. “I understand why you did what you did.”

“You don’t have to explain. Really.”

Julie tapped her leg. She didn’t want to think about yesterday. Matt looked totally spent. Even worse than she did. And he had shut down on her again. That whole pouring-his-soul-out routine was over. But the only thing that mattered right now was finding Celeste. She stared out the window as Matt drove around aimlessly, desperately hoping to come across his sister. Julie closed her eyes.
Think. Think. Where would Celeste go?

“Matt, take a left. Here. Here!”

“Why?”

“I know where she is.”

He yanked the wheel and steered them toward the Charles River. “She couldn’t have,” he said in disbelief. “Why would she go there?”

“She went to the site of the accident. She must have.”

They sped down Memorial Drive. It was beautiful out, with comfortable temperatures, blue skies, and a wonderful breeze. The irony of them all feeling so dreadful was undeniable.

Suddenly Matt pulled the car over the curb and hit the brakes. “There she is.”

They both got out and raced toward her. Celeste sat on a wooden bench, looking out at the sparkling water. Matt and Julie crossed a grassy area, walking between students reading on blankets and bikers taking a break, and sat down on either side of Celeste.

“It’s a lovely day for boating, isn’t it?” Celeste finally asked. She put her hand in Matt’s but continued staring at the river. “I’ve always thought it would be such fun to go for a ride down this river in a boat.”

“We could go sometime. They rent canoes here, you know?” Julie kicked her feet back and forth. “I would love to do that with you.”

They sat silently for a few minutes, watching the boats go by.

Finally Celeste turned and looked at Julie. Her eyes were red and puffy, but her voice was clear. “I’m not crazy, you know.”

Julie nodded. “I know that.”

“I am aware that Finn is dead. Despite my seemingly unbreakable association with Flat Finn, I have always known that. I’m not delusional.”

“I understand.”

“I loved Finn so much. You would have really liked him, Julie. He was magical, wasn’t he, Matty?”

“He was,” Matt agreed. “Finn was someone special.”

Celeste leaned her head on his shoulder. “You’re magical too. I love you, Matthew. I know that you think I liked Finn better than you. That’s not true. You are just as much a part of me as Finn is. I utterly worship you both. Always and forever. If you had died, there would have been a Flat Matt. I would have laughed endlessly at the silly rhyme.”

Matt dropped his head back and looked into the blue sky. “Sweetie, don’t…just don’t.”

“I’m terribly sorry, Julie,” Celeste continued. “I chose to create Flat Finn, and I chose to believe that Finn was traveling. This is my responsibility. I have an overly powerful imagination, and I made everyone abide by my fantasies. We didn’t mean to trick you.”

“You don’t have to apologize for anything,” Julie said.

“You’re leaving tomorrow. I won’t see you anymore.”

“I think I’ll leave tonight, actually. It seems best.” She could feel Matt staring at her. “But you’ll see me all the time. You and I will meet once a week in Harvard Square. Promise.”

“And Matt. Matt could come too,” Celeste suggested.

“We’ll see,” Julie said.

“Please don’t be angry with him. It’s because of me that Matt did what he did. He is totally enamored with you, Julie. Captivated. I see it in his eyes. Even though he looks tremendously demoralized today, I can still see it in his eyes. If you’re not totally disgruntled with me, you can’t be with him either. That’s not fair.”

“I’m not disgruntled.” Julie refused to look toward Matt. It was too confusing. Her emotions were exceptionally raw, and she could hardly tolerate being around him. It was only for Celeste’s sake that she was with him right now.

“I am asking you not to dismiss something with this sort of intensity. It’s rare.”