Flat-Out Love (32 page)

To be honest, I miss her sometimes. The “old” Celeste, I mean. I’m still with her plenty, it’s just that she is so much less dependent on other people. I get nostalgic for the Celeste who was so glued to me, the one who looked up to me, the one who freaked out over lip-gloss and a simple trip to the grocery store. That sounds awful, doesn’t it? I don’t want that for her. I want her to be who she’s becoming, you know? Lighter and freer. It’s like she was locked in one place, and now she finally sees that movement is possible. She’s not sure which way to turn yet, but she can see the options
.

To answer your question from the other day, Matt is fine. I haven’t seen him a lot recently. We’ve both been mobbed with
end-of-semester work, but I could use his help with Calculus II with Calculations. I’m dying in that class. He always explains stuff so clearly. Things have still been off since the night of Celeste’s meltdown. Ironically, she came out of it somewhat healed, while it drove a wedge between Matt and me. I feel bad because we were friends. I guess we still are…It’s different, though. We used to hang out all the time, and now I barely see him. Not that he’s mean to me or anything, but I don’t get the impression he wants to be around me anymore. He keeps leaving me little notes with information about apartment rentals. Obviously he can’t wait to get me out of here. I don’t know. Maybe he’s just trying to be helpful. I wish things were better between us. It feels…It just doesn’t feel right like this. It’s abnormal
.

You know what’s funny? You’ve almost become some diary that I write to. A figment of my imagination. But you’re easy to talk to. Write to. Whatever
.

There is no need to panic; I’ll take all of my teddy bears with me and remove the sparkly heart curtains before you get home
.

Miss you
,

—Julie

Julie—

See if Mom will get little pictures painted on her nails. I think she’d look fab with looooong painted talons, don’t you? It’s totally her
.

From everything you’ve been telling me this year about Celeste, I’m not surprised to hear that she has made so many changes. You came into her life and shook up her world in a way that allowed her to still be who she is. You saved her, Julie
.

I don’t know what to tell you about Matt. Maybe you feel things are abnormal because HE’S abnormal? Kidding. I shouldn’t joke because I can tell you’re upset. I’m sorry if your
feelings are hurt. He’s as mixed up as the rest of the family. I do know that he cares about you. I can promise you that. If he’s being awful, I’m quite sure that it’s not because of anything that you’ve done. He’s just not good at handling people. Or himself, for that matter. Wait it out. Trust me
.

Don’t you DARE take the stuffed animals and adorable curtains with you. I am so overloaded with testosterone (grunt!), and those items will help me to embrace my feminine side. A kinder, gentler Finn
.

I miss you too, and I have so much to tell you. I know you think that you already know me—and I love that you can say anything to me—but I just hope that you’ll feel the same way when reality kicks in
.

—Finn

Finn—

There is nothing you could say that would change what you mean to me
.

—Julie

Julie—

I’ll hold you to that
.

—Finn

The neon red nail polish was slightly alarming, but Julie didn’t protest as the manicurist continued lacquering her toe-nails. Celeste had chosen the shade and insisted that the four of them all get their fingers and toes done in the same color. She had said, “Sharing the same color will indicate that we are all connected.”

“Like gang colors,” Erin had added.

Despite Erin’s reluctance to spend part of the afternoon holed up in a salon, she looked moderately relaxed as her feet soaked in a soapy bath next to Julie. She even tilted her head back into the soft neck rest.

Julie looked across the room at Rachel and Celeste, who were peering at the pages of a magazine in between giggling at something on Rachel’s BlackBerry. Was there any possibility they were snickering over boys? Rachel’s top-of-the-lungs demonstration that she knew the entire periodic table of the elements confirmed that Celeste had been right about Rachel being a bit of an odd duck. But anything other than that wouldn’t have made sense. This pair of awkward, struggling kids had found each other for a reason.

Erin lifted her head and squinted. “Do you suppose I’m required to get Celeste a handheld device of some kind?”

“I don’t think there’s a parental law, no,” Julie said.

“I haven’t been very in tune…attentive, really…to Celeste’s needs. I do realize that. I’m starting to, and I know that I need to. I enjoyed taking her shopping last week. Thank you for suggesting that. And for today.”

Julie smiled softly at her.

“I was pondering taking Celeste down to the Cape with me one weekend this summer. A mother-and-daughter mini-vacation. Do you think that she would like that?”

Julie nodded. “Very much.” She glanced at her electric-colored toes. “Maybe even a vacation for the whole family?”

“Mmm…That sounds lovely. I’ll look into that. I don’t remember the last time we’ve all spent a longer span of time together.” Erin dropped her head back again.

A family vacation
. A foreign concept to Julie. Her father had left her two voice mails and sent three e-mails in the past
few months, all via his secretary. Julie had ignored the first batch of messages, and finally had her own secretary—a Miss Celeste Watkins—respond with a terse e-mail explaining that Ms. Seagle was currently engulfed in important business matters but would be arranging a never-to-happen dinner appointment shortly.

“So,” Erin said, “Matt says that you’re looking for an apartment?”

“Oh. Yeah, I am. I figured it was about time I got out of your hair.”

“Nonsense. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, although I imagine you’re ready to expand on your collegiate experience.”

Julie felt that stabbing pain in her chest again. It
was
all Matt’s idea for her to move out. “It might be easier for me to be closer to campus,” she said quietly. “Dana asked me to live with her. Her roommate will be gone right after finals, and I can move in then.”

“That’s so soon. But I know that we’ve kept you cooped up more than could have been fun. You’ve spent your whole year attending to Celeste and studying with Matthew. We’ve been selfish with you.” Erin sighed. “It’s your fault for being so damn special. I do hope that you’ll come around for dinner on occasion. It’s not going to be the same without you.”

Julie bit her lip and then closed her eyes. She felt lonely and awful and couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t send her into a crying fit.

“When you have your own place, you can paint and decorate as you like and not worry about other people in the house. You and Dana will have fun together. Just the way that your mother and I used to. Matthew’s old room could hardly have been as female-friendly as you would have liked anyway.”

“You mean Finn’s room,” Julie corrected.

“What? No, you’ve been in Matthew’s room. He moved into Finn’s old room a while ago, so his was empty until you got here. It’s been nice having a full house again.”

“I guess I misunderstood…” Julie started. This didn’t make any sense. For a lot of reasons. “I thought—”

“You know what?” Erin said happily. “Coming here was a good idea. I rarely just sit and do nothing. It’s given me a chance to think. I’ve missed my family, Julie. Whether you intended to or not, you’ve helped bring them back to me and me back to them.”

Julie inhaled and exhaled deeply and tried to untangle her thoughts.

Then Erin’s hand moved on top of hers and rested there, her wordless touch both disquieting and consoling.

“You’re not taking the car today?” Matt looked up from his laptop as Julie crossed the living room. He was on the couch, wearing a surprisingly text-free red shirt, with his feet kicked up on the coffee table.

“No. I’m going to walk to the T. It’s so nice out.” The words felt slow coming from her mouth, heavy and falsely normal.

“May and June are usually nice, but just wait until summer. Hazy, hot, and humid.”

Julie sat down in one of the hard-backed chairs and rifled through her school bag, making sure she had everything she needed for her last day. After taking one exam this morning and handing in a term paper, she would be done. Most people in her position would feel elated. Instead, a looming sense of uneasiness stayed with her, as it had for the past few weeks.

She flipped through the printed pages of her paper. Even though she had written the paper, her words looked unfamiliar. The letters blended together and swam across the page into meaningless jumbles. She let the paper slip from her hand and fall to the floor.

“Julie? Are you OK?” Matt asked.

“I’m fine,” she said.

“You seem a little off today.”

“I told you that I’m fine.”

Julie put her term paper back into her bag and walked to the front window. She lifted the heavy old pane and didn’t move as a soft breeze blew the sheer curtain against her. The sky was totally clear, and the world had that fresh, unsoiled smell that late spring brings. That precious scent would likely last only until the July heat and stench tore it away.

She turned and watched Matt as he continued working. “Matty?”

“Yeah?”

“Look at me.”

“What?” he asked.

“Look at me.”

Matt lifted his head. It felt like ages since he had looked right at her, and that spark she often saw in his gray eyes was gone. There had been no back-and-forth banter between them in weeks, no joking about his shirts, no struggling to get her to understand asymptotic methods for her calculus class. She studied his face, trying to figure him out. Trying to understand. He tilted his head to the side, his expression turning solemn as he let her think. But he didn’t turn away.

He looked tired and vulnerable.

He probably had reason to.

Neither of them said a word. She could feel the shift between them, the awful change in dynamics. The loss. She knew he felt it too.

Finally Julie reached down for her bag. She turned and walked through the front door and into the glaring sunlight.

Dana crossed her legs and tore off a piece of the chocolate croissant. “Want some?” she offered.

Julie shook her head. Her stomach didn’t feel good, and the coffee from Au Bon Pain was not sitting well. She and Dana had been lucky to snag a small bistro table at the packed outdoor café in Harvard Square. It seemed that everyone except Julie had that end-of-the-year high.

“Julie, what’s wrong?” Dana asked. “Something is going on with you. Do you not want to move in with me? It’s not a problem if you don’t. Just because I went ahead and repainted the bedroom for you doesn’t mean that you should feel at all guilty if you’ve changed your mind.” She smiled. “Seriously. It’s fine.”

“No, that’s not it at all. I can’t wait to move, actually. Less than a week now.”

“Something is wrong. You’re not in a good mood.”

“No,” she agreed. “I’m not.”

“Tell me.”

Julie stared at the chess players next to them. A college student and a gray-haired man concentrated on the black and white pieces that sat on the concrete chess table.
King, queen, rook, bishop, knight. King, queen, rook, bishop, knight
.

Pawn
.

Julie stared at the chess piece.
Pawn
.

“I should get home and pack some more.”

“If you say so. Hey,” Dana said gently, “you’ll call me if you need me, right? I’ll be there when you’re ready to talk.”

Julie looked at her friend and nodded. “I will.” She picked up her bag to leave and then stopped. “If I need to move in a few days early, would that be all right?”

“
What
is going on?” Dana leaned forward. “Is this about Matt?”

“Would it be all right or not?”

“Of course.” Dana sat back. “Whatever you need. You know that.”