Flat-Out Love (22 page)

We move to the edge of the plane again and pause. You cross your arms over your chest and lean your head back into me like I told you. I start to rock us back and forth, getting us ready to jump. And then we go.

Julie’s pounding heart and the fact that she was sweating no longer had anything to do with the elevator situation.

Julie Seagle
How do I feel when we jump?

Finn Is God
The minute we hit the air, you are surprisingly relaxed. All of your problems seem to go away. Your stomach doesn’t drop. There’s no falling sensation. It’s just freeing. It’s as close to flying as you’ll ever get. A calm like you’ve never known before, and you don’t want it to end.

Finn Is God
So we freefall like this for 5,000 feet. We don’t want it to stop. We want to feel like this forever, lost in this experience. This is why people pull their chutes late, because freefalling is like a drug.

Julie Seagle
Or something else, I’m guessing.

Finn Is God
Yes, or something else. They do call it an “airgasm” for a reason…

Julie Seagle
I can see why. But we have to pull the chute.

Finn Is God
Yes, we have to pull the chute. So I do it. And it jerks us back—hard—but then we’re falling smoothly, softer than before, easily. We’re drifting together. It’s quieter now, and you can hear my voice.

Julie Seagle
And what do you say to me?

Suddenly the elevator kicked into gear and descended half a floor.

Julie Seagle
Shit. The elevator is working now.

Finn Is God
That’s good news!

Julie Seagle
Right now it doesn’t feel like it. I’ll find you later.

The doors creaked open. From her spot on the dirty floor, Julie stared at the small crowd that faced her. Seth was jubilant, and the firefighters looked pleased with their quick success. Julie was nonetheless annoyed.

“Aren’t you going to get up?” Seth asked as he stepped forward. “Are you hurt?” He knelt down in front of her and put his hand on her knee. “Julie? You’re all sweaty and flushed.”

“I’m fine. Really.” She took his hand in hers and smiled. He really was cute, and sweet, and funny. There was nothing not to like about him. In fact, she suddenly liked him—needed him—more than ever. She leaned in and whispered, “We have to get up to your apartment. Now.”

Seth looked her in the eyes and nodded.

They quickly thanked the people who had freed her and hurried to the stairwell. Seth practically yanked her up the stairs until they reached his landing. He turned and pulled her into him, pressing his lips to hers and sliding his tongue into her mouth. Julie kissed him back, hard, and they fumbled down the hallway to his door, nearly falling into the living room. He backed her against the wall and slid his hands over the front of
her shirt, his fingers digging into her skin, pulling her in closer. Then Julie’s hands were in his hair, and she pulled her mouth from his, gasping for air. She closed her eyes and felt his lips move to her neck, his breath hot and ragged, making her lost and dizzy.

His touch was so urgent and heated and the way he kissed her confident and intense. She hadn’t been wanted like this before. Jared had been so fumbling and inept, and she didn’t have much experience with anyone else.

She wondered what Finn would be like. What would it feel like to kiss him? What would he taste like? Would his hands be gentle? Would he go slowly, smoothly, take his time? How would he sound if she ran her fingers over his arm, up his biceps, down his chest, moving lower? Would their bodies fit together perfectly, molding into each other as they kissed desperately?

Julie opened her eyes.
Oh, no. Oh, no. This was so screwed up
.

She took her hands from the back of Seth’s neck and touched his cheek. “Seth?”

“Julie,” he murmured, moving to kiss her mouth again.

“Seth. I’m sorry,” she whispered in disbelief. She dropped her head to his shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

“Wait, what?” He took a small step back. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t…” She took a deep breath. “I can’t do this.”

“Too much?” he asked. “We’ve been together a while. I thought you wanted to. You seemed so into everything. It’s OK, though.”

“No, it’s not OK. You’re so great. You’re wonderful. There’s no reason that I shouldn’t want this.”

Seth took another step back. “But you don’t want this, do you?”

She shook her head. Julie hated how hurt he looked. She didn’t know what to say. “My head is not where it should be. I’m not
feeling
what I should be. What I wish I were.”

He was quiet for a minute. “I pretty much knew that,” he admitted. Seth took her hand in his and looked down. “I don’t think you’ve ever been as into us as I have. Is there someone else?”

Julie felt her eyes tear up, and she hesitated before answering him. “I think there might be.”

Julie pulled the car into the Watkinses’ driveway and turned off the engine. She checked her phone again. Nothing else from Finn.

She called Dana.

“What the hell are you doing calling me from your hot and steamy date? Why are you not rolling around in Seth’s bed? Oh, ew! You better not be
calling me
from his bed,” Dana warned.

“No.” Julie sniffed. “But thank you for implying that I’d do something so creepy. I’m at home.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Seth and I broke up.” Seth had been undeniably understanding about things.
If it’s not there, it’s not there
, he’d said. But she still felt rotten.

“Julie! What is going on?” Dana demanded.

Julie dropped back against the headrest and looked at herself in the rearview mirror. “I think I’m in love with somebody that I’ve never met.”

“Explain.”

“I met him online.”

“That’s disgusting. You’ve been frequenting online dating sites? Do you know how many people lie on those things? Oh,
man, you didn’t go to Craigslist, did you? After your apartment experience, I’d have thought you knew better. Wait a minute. You met him on Facebook, didn’t you? That’s gross.”

“Now that you mention it, I guess I kind of did meet him on Facebook. It’s the guy whose room I’ve been staying in. Finn. We’ve been talking online for months.”

“Oh my God, this is so exciting! And so dirty and wrong! Is he hot? You haven’t met him yet? When is he coming home? Did you tell Seth about him?” Dana threw questions at her left and right.

“I don’t know when he’s coming home. Possibly in the next few weeks for Christmas, but I’m going to be with my father in California then. Hopefully we’ll overlap a bit. If pictures say anything, then yes, he’s super hot. Gorgeous. Illegally attractive. Seth guessed there was someone else, but I didn’t tell him who. It sounds ridiculous.”

“And does Finn like you? I mean,
loooove
you? Are you seriously in love with him?” Julie guessed Dana was jumping out of her seat by now.

“Of course I’m not
really
in love with him. I don’t even know him.” Except that she did know him. At least she felt as if she did. As if she had known him forever. “I have no idea what Finn thinks about me. He’d probably think I’m a lunatic if he overheard this conversation.”

“Or he’d be flattered beyond belief that you’ve fallen for his daily love letters,” Dana shrieked. “Months of wooing you online have paid off.”

“He’s hardly been wooing me. And no love letters.” Julie sighed. Although those would be fun. “And I don’t hear from him every day. Sometimes he’s in remote areas of the world where he can’t get online. I don’t know. This whole thing is idiotic. I’m idiotic.”

“No, it’s romantic. You’ve made an emotional connection that’s not based on superficial daily BS.”

“Is that your official psychological interpretation?”

“Yes. Now this is all lovely, and I’m thrilled for you, but this raises an important issue for me.”

“What’s that?”

“Finn has a brother, right? At MIT?”

“Yeah. Matt. So what?”

“Set me up. You’ve never let me in the house for some stupid reason, but Matt obviously comes from good genes if the parents produced such an online hottie.”

Julie laughed. “You don’t want to go out with Matt. Trust me. He’s not your type. And he looks nothing like Finn. Besides, what about Jamie? I thought you two were still together?”

“He’s dumb. There’s no way around it. Gorgeous and sex-crazed, yes, but he’s a big, dumb stud, and I’m over it. Set me up. I need someone with a brain.”

Julie thought for a minute. She might as well. Poor Matt seemed to have no social life whatsoever, and she’d never even heard him hint at having a date. And he definitely had a brain, even if it was slightly warped. She could stay home with Celeste if Erin and Roger were out. Why not? Matt deserved a little fun.

“OK, I’ll give him your number.”

“Cool. Go find your new boyfriend online, and call me tomorrow.”

“Very funny.” Julie hung up and blew her nose.

Of all the asinine situations to get herself into. Finn and his thinly veiled skydiving metaphor had just ruined what could have been a perfectly nice relationship with a perfectly nice guy. Seth did not deserve to get dumped for a one-sided, imaginary online flirtation.

But maybe it wasn’t one-sided? Or imaginary.

Julie trudged up the front steps and into the house. She just wanted to go to her room. Finn’s room. Although it wasn’t even late, she was exhausted and stressed out. She was about to open the bedroom door when she heard Erin laugh. Julie leaned her head back and saw that Erin and Roger’s door was open. Erin was sitting on the floor by the foot of the bed, smiling and holding something in her hand. She was hardly ever around in the evenings, so it was surprising to find her home.

Julie crossed the floor, then stopped just before she knocked. Erin might have been laughing, but her eyes were red, her face blotchy. A full glass of red wine and an empty wine bottle were on the floor. “Erin?”

“Oh. Hi, Julie.” Erin looked up and brushed the hair out of her face. She waved her hand. “Come in. Come in.” Her speech was slightly slurred, and she picked up her glass and took a sip. “Would you like some wine? I’ll get another bottle.”

“No. Thank you.” Julie stepped into the room and could see now that Erin was holding Celeste’s barrette. “Wasn’t that a lovely gift Finn sent?”

Erin turned the clip over in her hand, her lips forming a half-smile. “It’s remarkable, isn’t it? Amazing that it reached us. Unimaginable, really. From so far away.”

Julie knelt down. “You miss him, don’t you?”

Erin nodded.

“How long has he been gone?” Julie asked.

“Oh, ages it seems. And yet,” Erin swayed forward tipsily, “with Flat Finn around, it’s as if he’s still here.” She giggled. “But I know he’s not.”

“It sounds as if he’s having a wonderful time on this trip. What an opportunity to be able to travel the world the way he is, right? And the volunteer work he’s involved with is incredibly
generous. Think of all the good he’s doing. It must be hard, though, to have your kids grow up and move away from home.”

“It’s very hard. Finn was always so different. Such a…a light. He was everything. The family glue. Without him here…”

Julie squirmed uncomfortably. “Matt and Celeste are still at home,” she offered. “And they’re both pretty special too.”

Erin bobbed her head up. “Of course. I love them. Although I don’t really know what to do with a girl. Poor Celeste.” She giggled. “But let me show you the difference between my boys.” Erin wobbled to a stand, lurched toward a display shelf on the far wall, and pushed some books aside, digging for something. “See this? Matt made me this when he was a kid. How ridiculous, huh?” She picked up a little woodcarving. “Who makes their mother something that says
Wow
?”

Julie got up and walked toward Erin, who was drunk and confused. Finn had made this for his mother. Julie took the camp project, flipped it upside down, and waited while Erin stared at it.

“Look at that! It says
Mom
.” Erin burst out laughing, covering her mouth with her hands and doubling over as her misinterpretation sank in.

“Finn made this for you at camp,” Julie said.

“All these years…and I thought…” Erin could hardly speak. She wiped her eyes. “What the hell kind of mother am I? What the hell kind of blind, brainless, disconnected mother am I?” Erin wasn’t laughing anymore. “
Mom
. It says
Mom
. Jesus Christ. I’m a piece of work.”

“Erin, it’s OK. Really.” Julie set the woodcarving back on the shelf, the right way.

Erin crossed the room and picked up her wine. “You sure you don’t want some? I won’t tell your mother.”

Julie shook her head. “No. I should get to bed. Where is Roger? Is he home?”

“Upstairs. In the third-floor guest room. He’s been snoring with that cold he picked up, and it drives me bonkers.”

“Will you be all right? Do you want me to stay with you for a while?” Julie wasn’t dying to hang around a tipsy, emotional Erin, but she also felt bad leaving her alone. Hopefully Erin would call it a night.

“I’m fine, Julie. Perfectly fine. Promise. I don’t usually drink much. It’s making me silly and emotional.”

“OK, then. Good night.” Julie turned to leave, but Erin stopped her.

“Julie? Thank you for being here. You make the house less lonely.”

Julie smiled. “I like it here. I really do. You and Roger are so good to me, and Matt and Celeste are like the siblings I never had.”

“So you think of Matt like a brother?”

Julie nodded.

“Huh.” She sat down on the floor again. “I love my children, you know. All of them. It’s just hard. It’s hard for me to be their mother.”

Julie didn’t know what to say to this. “I know you love them. Just…Just get some sleep. You’ll feel better tomorrow.”

She tiptoed through the hall to her room. Matt’s light was off, and Flat Finn stood at alert outside Celeste’s room, reminiscent of the Queen’s Guard outside Buckingham Palace. Julie shut her door and kicked off her shoes. She immediately went to the dresser and got changed for bed, pulling one of Finn’s skydiving shirts over her head. She touched the worn material, the blue having faded to a weathered, pale color, and the
lettering barely readable anymore.
Don’t forget to pull
. But it was still Finn’s.