Finding Never (7 page)

“
Oh,
Never?” she says, like she saw me yesterday. “You're
here for dinner?”

Beth's
face falls and Jade scrunches up her nose. The little girls, except
for Maple, stop talking. She's still babbling nonsensically at a
pair of dolls she's got on the floor near the refrigerator. Ty looks
over at me and I can feel him asking if I need anything with his
eyes. He can sense that I've just been pushed even closer to the
proverbial edge. I've stumbled so far that I'm teetering now.
Nobody but Angelica Regali has this power over me. Nobody except Ty
McCabe. But then, he's sitting quietly by my side watching my life
unfold like some sort of origami nightmare while my mother pretends
that this is not the first time she's seen me in five fucking years.

“
Really?”
I whisper, my voice hardly audible over Maple's baby talk. “That's
all you have to say to me?” I sound angry, furious. I can't
hold my emotions back, not anymore. Holding back has gotten me where
I am today. It's a miracle that I'm not halfway to the grave,
riddled with disease, and broken in two.
Because of Ty.
I
start to shake again when Angelica rolls her eyes to the ceiling and
puts her hand on her hip. She sighs deeply, like she just can't be
friggin' bothered.

“
Never,
you disappeared for five years without even the courtesy of a phone
call. It's been a long while since I cried over you, honey. What do
you want me to say? What was I supposed to do? Chase after you?”

“
Well,
for starters,” I say as I drop Ty's hand and rise to my feet.
My chair squeaks across the linoleum floor. Maple starts to cry.
“You could say 'Welcome home,' or 'It's nice to see you'. How
about something like that?”

“
Oh
for Goddess' sake, Never Fontaine Regali. I'm glad to see you, but
I'm not going to throw myself at your feet.”

“
It's
Never Ross,” I whisper. “Never Nicholas Ross.” My
mother freezes and for once in her selfish, miserable life doesn't
know what to say. Regali is her last name; Fontaine was her choice
for a middle name. Nicholas Ross was my father's name and now
legally, it's mine, too.

“
I
see.” This is all she says. Rage bubbles hot and fierce
inside of me until I'm seeing red and purple and black swirls in
front of my eyes, spinning away to nothing. Ty stands up and puts a
hand on my shoulder, but it's too late, I've already snapped. I
swing my arm at the basket of rolls India put on the table. They fly
off the linoleum top and smash into the counter. The red and white
checkered napkin flutters to the floor and lands on top of the bread.

Nobody
speaks, but Maple continues to cry. Beth moves over to her and picks
her up, tucks her tiny head beneath her chin and coos soothing words
at her. I hope Beth is a better mother than Angelica because
otherwise, I don't envy Maple the life she's going to have.

“
Never,”
India begins, but I hold up a hand.

“
Maybe
this was a mistake,” I whisper, wondering why the hell I came
back here. To tie up loose ends? Really? I thought it would be
that easy, that I could walk in here and be part of the family again?
To be honest, it looks like they've done just fine without me,
learned to function without Never, adapted to life without her. Do they
really need me back? Do they really
want
me back? I move
towards the door and Ty follows.

“
Please
don't go,” Beth calls after me, tears thick in her voice. She,
at least, seems like she wants to make up with me. I pause with the
screen door against my hand and look over at her. She's begging me
with her eyes to stay. They're all bloodshot and red and puffy
making her seem less like a Barbie doll and more like a person.
That's the Beth I knew and loved. I smile, but it leaves a bitter
taste in my mouth.

“
I'll
be back,” I say as I move outside with Ty at my heels. India
follows not too far behind and stands next to Ty while I stare up at
the moon and try to get my head to stop spinning.

“
Never,”
McCabe whispers and I have to close my eyes against his words because
his voice is so perfect that I can't stand it. I want to turn around
and throw my arms around his neck, cry into his chest, and let him
hold me, but I can't do that. Not yet. I've seen everyone I need to
see. Except one. Except for Noah fucking Scott. As soon as I lay
eyes on him, speak to him, I'll know what to do, if coming here was
right or wrong.

“
Do
you have a car I can borrow?” I ask India thinking that it's
really weird that I can even ask that question. When I left, she was
eleven. Now she's sixteen.
Holy shit, time really does fly,
doesn't it?

“
Um,
yeah,” she says, voice so soft and perfect but not weak, never
weak. I spin to face her and smile, this time without all of that
bitterness. Her dad was a wandering musician, a guy who wore tight
pants, cussed a lot, and sang ballads that could break your heart.
My mother let them, but at least she got India. I kiss my sister's
forehead and look over at Ty. He looks fucking perfect in the
Midwest moonlight. It's different here, more pure somehow. I don't
know why; it just is. I study his face with the glimmering
piercings, his dark brown eyes, his colorful tattoos, and hold out my
hand for a cigarette. India, maybe sensing that we need a moment
alone, says, “I'll go get the keys,” and disappears
inside for a moment.

Ty
digs around in his back pocket, finds the box of Djarum Blacks and
hands one to me.

“
I
think this counts as a special occasion,” he says softly, and I
find that I can't agree more. Whether it's good or bad or beautiful
or horrid, it's certainly special. How many family reunions will I
have in my life? Hopefully this is the last. Hopefully I can find
the strength to embrace them now or walk away forever. That's the
plan anyway. Ty lights his cigarette first and leans down, pressing
the cherry against mine. I inhale deeply and imagine that I'm
inhaling more than the scent of cloves and tobacco, that I'm inhaling
bits of Ty McCabe into my lungs, taking him deeper into me than I've
ever accepted anyone else. I do this because I know the next thing
that I'm going to say will break his heart. I can only hope that he
understands.

“
Here
are the keys,” India says, stepping out on the porch and giving
us both looks that say she's gotten the full anti-smoking propaganda
that they spew in classrooms nowadays. I think to myself that she's
a good girl and better off for it, but I don't put my cigarette down.
“It's the old Ford by the barn. Sometimes it takes awhile to
turn over, but it's a good truck.” I hold out my hands and
tilt my head upwards so that I blow smoke towards the stars and not
at India's face. The little monster is back, thanks to Mom, and it
wants me to, wants to push her back and ask why she's smiling so big
and looking at me like I'm so cool she can't even stand it. I don't
want her to look at me that way because it means she looks up to me.
Nobody should look up to me, not now, not ever.

“
Look
after Ty for me while I'm gone,” I say, dropping my chin and
smiling at her. I let the cigarette dangle from my lips while I dig
around my pockets and find my phone. “Let's trade numbers in
case you need me.”

“
Where
are you going?” Ty asks as he grabs his cigarette between two
fingers and crosses his arms over chest. His arm muscles tense, but
his hand hangs limply while smoke curls through his nose ring and
kisses his hair. I smile at India and wait for her to plug her
number into my phone before I speak. Again, she somehow senses that
Ty and I need another moment and bows back into the house. She isn't
far away though, none of them are. I can hear them arguing about me
in the kitchen as Ty raises his dark brows at me. “Well?”
he asks, and I have to swallow three times before I can say what I
need to say. “What's so fucking important that you can't take
me with you?”

I
drop my cigarette to the porch, amongst a heap of others and let it
fizzle out on its own. When I raise my head, my eyes are closed
because I can't look at Ty's face while I say this. I open my mouth
three times and stop before I can ever utter the first syllable.
Why
am I so fucking scared? What is wrong with me? Am I afraid of
losing Ty? Do I even have enough of a hold on him to lose him?

“
Come
on, baby,” he says with a sigh, and I smile slightly because
I've never liked hearing a guy say that before.
Baby.
It's
always come across as something condescending, some stupid fucking
pet phrase that makes them feel better about fucking me and walking
off, like somehow calling me a nice name makes all the difference.
Not with Ty. That's not at all how it is with him. “If you're
going to walk away and leave me alone with a bunch of people
you
don't even know, you at least owe me an explanation. Where are
you going?” My eyes pop open and my lips part; the words fall
away like the last leaves in winter.

“
To
see Noah Scott.”

10

Ty
blinks so slowly that for a second I think that something's wrong
with me, that I'm not seeing the world in real time anymore.

“
Fuck.”

That's
all he says, just that. He's understandably upset by my statement,
but he doesn't yell or throw something, he just stands there and
looks at me like I'm some sort of treasure he's just found and
doesn't want to let go of. His look makes me uncomfortable, and I
glance away.

“
I
know it's weird to leave you here, but I … I just need to get
away from my mom for a second, and I need to see Noah, and I want to
take you with me, but I … ”

“
But
you're still in love with him?” Ty says, lips tight, cigarette
falling away into ash, hitting the toe of his boot.

“
I
don't know … ”

“
Fucking
A, Never. If you are just say it.” Ty is angry. I get that.
I do, but what can I say? Maybe cramming all of this shit into one
night is a mistake, but I know that there's no way I'm sitting still
right now, not with all this wild, crazy energy inside of me. I have
to see Noah Scott and complete the cycle, so I can process things.
It's the only way. I asked for Ty's help with my family, and in a
way, I'm asking for it again. I need him to stay here, to let me do
this on my own.

“
You
could wait in the car … ”

“
Never,
no.” Ty steps forward aggressively, and I meet his gaze with
my own. His hand wraps in my hair and he pulls my face roughly to
his, kissing me hard, marking me with his teeth, his tongue, his
heat. I groan into his mouth, grab onto his lip ring and suck it
into my mouth. He's the one that pulls away first, that drags his
face from mine on the edge of a moan. I'm vaguely aware that India
is watching from the screen door, but I can't help myself. Ty McCabe
is the world's most tantalizing treat. “I am not going to go.
I'm going to sit here with your weird fucking family who don't know
me and think I'm some kind of punk rocker turned heroine addict while
you dance the night away with Noah mother fucking Scott. And I'm
going to do that because I love you.”

“
Ty,
stop.”

“
No.”
Ty grabs my arms firmly but not roughly. He makes me look at him,
and I can see in his face that he isn't going to take any of my shit,
not right now. “No, if you're going to do this, you're at
least going to listen to me. I love you, Never. You might think I'm
blowing smoke up your ass or trying to get into your pants or
whatever, but listen to me. I have been with a lot of women.”
I try to turn away, but Ty grabs my chin and stops me. “I have
been with a lot of women,” he repeats, making my blood boil hot
and angry.
And you've been with a lot of men. Get over it.
“But
none of them, not a single fucking one, has made me feel the way you
do.” Ty puts his ringed hand over his chest. “When I'm
with you, Never, I feel like somebody who can do something, who means
something, okay? So, listen, I don't know how you're going to find
Noah Scott or if he already knows you're coming or hell, if you've
been having cybersex with him for five years, and I don't give a
shit. What I do know is that I love you, and that I want you to find
yourself and come back to me. You do what you need to do, Never, and
I'll be here waiting for you when you're done.” Ty releases me
and steps back, digs out another cigarette and lights it with shaking
hands. I'm standing there speechless and angry with myself because I
know that even though Ty just gave me a piece of his dark, bloody,
beating heart, that I'm going to get in that car and drive away. I'm
going to drive away, but I vow to myself that I'm just going to see
Noah and come right back.

After
all, how could I not when I have a man like Ty McCabe waiting for me?

11