Finding Never (11 page)

I
run my hands over my dresser and find a brooch that Noah gave me for
our one year anniversary. I pick it up and drop it in a jewelry box
I barely remember owning. I don't want to answer any questions about
it. Ty already has a thousand crouching behind his eyes. I can see
them dancing as his eyes sweep over the posters on my wall and
ceiling, past the broken mirror next to the bathroom door, across the
pages of scribbled notes I tacked above my desk.

“
This
is so fucking weird,” I laugh as I shake my head and try to
make sense of my feelings. So much is happening so fast, I don't
even know where to begin with myself, let alone Ty. “I mean,
does this make any sense to you?” Ty touches my pink
sweatshirt, rubs the fabric between his fingers.

“
I
kind of wanted to punch your mom in the face for you earlier, but
seeing this,” Ty looks up and then swings his gaze around to
find mine. “Makes me think she deserves another chance.”
I smile.

“
Great
minds think alike,” I tell him as he moves across the room
towards me. The air heats with this pulsing energy that intensifies
exponentially with each movement Ty makes. He doesn't touch me, but
he does get close enough that I can feel the warmth of his body.

“
This
is the first time we've been alone since you ran out on me.”

“
Shut
up,” I say, but I can't argue with that because it's true.

“
I
love you Never Ross,” he says and my heart swells strangely,
gets so big that it crushes my lungs and strangles me. “And I
think I love Never Regali, too. Or I would if,” Ty shows me
something in his hand. My vision flickers.
Fuck.

It's
the naughty, little nightgown I bought for Noah, the one that I lost
my virginity in. Ty's found it and now he has it in his hand. He's
grinning and his dimples are deep as pits. I can't refuse, can't let
him know where it came from or why I had it. Silently, I lift my
arms above my head and hope I don't pass out.

Ty
finds my skin under my shirt and slides his fingers up, taking both
the shirt and sweater along with them. He tosses them over my
computer chair and drops the nightgown over my head. The silky
fabric slithers down my skin and hits me just above the knees. It's
a beautiful piece of lingerie, blood red and charged for sex. I
close my eyes for a moment and try to keep myself from venturing too
far down memory lane.

“
Undress
me,” Ty whispers. “I promised you that you'd get a
turn.” My mouth goes dry; my hands sweat, and I feel like that
long ago girl who had no idea how powerful sex was, how easily it can
be abused. It's like a drug, something that I never should've
started without understanding the consequences. I step back and Ty's
face locks up in fear. He's so fucking scared of me. Maybe I'm not
the only one at risk of breaking here? Maybe Ty is just as
vulnerable to me as I am to him?

I
smile as I reach under the nightgown and unbutton my jeans, dropping
them to the floor as I kick off my shoes and finally peel off my
socks. Ty is smiling now, too, and I know that I'm going to have to
be careful with him. He might be a bad boy, but even bad boys can be
broken.

“
You
know what?” I tell him as I move forward and curl my fingers in
his shirt. “There's something I always fantasized about as a
teenager. Want to make a dirty girl's dreams come true?” I
pull Ty's shirt up and over his head, barely making it past his arms
before he's pulling me to him, grabbing me by the back of the neck
and kissing my mouth hot and hungry. I can already feel his erection
through his jeans, hard and desperate for me. I hope we can make it
outside.

“
This
better be good,” Ty growls. “Because I've been looking
at you for days but not touching. That wasn't easy.” He
pauses, and I think we both remember the scene on the bus. “Well,
okay, maybe that isn't completely true, but it sure as fuck feels
like it.” I don't remind him of the weeks we spent together
without touching or the fact that we're both still sex addicts, I
just grab him by the hand and drag him down the stairs. From memory,
I know that the third step from the bottom is a creaky one and warn
Ty. He raises his eyebrows at this. “So you've always been a
bad girl?” he asks, but he smiles when he says it and we make
it outside without getting caught by any of my estranged family
members.

I
pause when my feet hit the dirt and spin around to face Ty, running
my hands down his perfect chest. I haven't had a chance to explore
it to my liking, so I'm going to trace every muscle a hundred times
over until I've memorized the rise and fall of his abs. It will give
me something special to hold in my heart, something that separates
him even further from the rest of the boys I've slept with. I will
learn
all
of Ty's nooks and crannies, imperfections, desires.

“
Take
off your shoes,” I tell him, and he raises his dark brows at
me. He doesn't know the power the earth holds here, the way it can
ground you like nothing else. The Northwest is beautiful, but it
doesn't hold the same quality, the same
goodness-gracious-I-am-so-fucking-home feeling. Ty doesn't argue
because he gets it, like always. He sits down on the porch steps and
pulls off his boots. He isn't wearing any socks underneath. I
smile. “I hope that means you're not wearing any underwear
either?” I ask as he stands up and puts a cigarette between his
lips. Ty grins, nice and wicked, his expression sharp enough to cut.

“
Well,”
he says as he steps forward and wraps his arms around me, sliding
them down the satin nightgown until he's cupping my bare ass. “Guess
I could ask you the same question.” I try to speak, to say
something cheeky like,
But
you already know the answer,
except
I can't. My skin is tingling at Ty's touch; his hands are making my
blood sing, and I just can't force the words past my lips. “You
know,” he tells me as he breathes against my ear and makes me
shiver. “I could throw you down right here and fuck you. What
do you say?” I swallow and don't say any of the things I'm
thinking.
Brilliant.
Yes. God, please do.

“
Come
with me,” I choke out as I search Ty's face, try to peel back
some layers and see what's lying underneath. Never before have I
descended into the mind of someone who's as dark, if not darker, than
I am, and it's fascinating. Or at least I think it is. Ty knows
what I'm doing, and he doesn't let me dig very deep, not yet.

“
Okay,”
he says finally. I grab his hand and pull him around the barn that
we've never used, take him past the rusted cars that used to belong
to my father and around the back where long, golden grasses stretch
as far as the eye can see, punctuated by the dark shadow of a single
house. Otherwise, it's just us. Just me and Ty alone with the
whispering wind and our pasts that are now so tangled together that I
don't know if they can be separated without killing one or both of
us.

“
Tell
me,” I say to him as he flicks the lighter and his eyes dance
with flames. “Are we going back to SOG?” Ty shrugs and
lets his head fall back. His eyes flicker closed and he inhales
deeply. His throat is smooth and perfect with just the slightest
hint of an Adam's apple, muscular with the briefest glimmer of
butterfly wings. They trail down his shoulders and arm, fade into
the birds that line his back.

“
Depends,”
he tells me as he drops his chin and hands the cigarette to me.

“
On?”
I ask as I take it and slide it between my moist lips. Ty steps
towards me and puts his hands on either side of my face.

“
On
you,” he whispers against my lips. “All I need is you.
You're my cure.”

“
Ty,”
I say as I try to step back, but he doesn't let me. He runs his
hands down my arms, touching me so slightly that I swear I can feel
the whorls of his fingertips against the fine hairs on my skin.
“Don't say things like that,” I tell him. I don't want
to be his cure. He can't let so much ride on me. I'm unstable. I'm
just … so fucked up. I can't be Ty McCabe's chance at
salvation. He's been making it for himself, for me. He has to keep
doing that or neither of us will survive this.

“
Never,”
he tells me, voice strong but quiet. “I love you.” My
heart chokes on his words, and I try to pull back, but Ty won't let
me. I don't know it yet, but Ty will never let me go. For better or
worse, I think he's my soul mate. I might not understand what that
means yet, but I will. Oh God, I will, because Ty won't let me run
away from it.

“
Stop
it,” I whisper as the cigarette slips out from between my teeth
and hits the dirt. “You can't keep saying things like that.”

“
Why
not?” he asks me, unashamed, unabashed at his words. “You
said it, too.” Ty grins at me. “Say it again,” he
commands, but I can't form the words. They slipped out before at the
bus station. I can't say them again, not yet.

“
I
can't,” I whisper, and I wonder if he's going to get upset or
hurt or angry. I'm afraid to find out, so I blurt, “Come see
my fantasy?” Ty smiles and follows me over to an old tractor.
It sits in a clear bit of dirt, rusty and perfect in the moonlight
like a solid, corporeal memory of my father. I have hardly any in my
head, so it's nice to see one sitting here undisturbed. I'm
surprised my mother never sold it. “This,” I say as I
put my hand on one of the big rear tires. “Is a 1951 Farmall
'Super C' vintage tractor.” Ty whistles and steps up beside
me.

“
I
love a girl that can talk shop,” he says as he runs his ringed
hand over the metal with a gentle touch that tells me he senses how
important this thing is. “Now, tell me, how does this hunk of
junk play into your fantasies?” Ty asks with a wink. I spin
slowly, follow him as he walks around me and continues around the
front of the tractor like a predator circling prey. It's kind of
hot.

“
Listen
to me, Ty McCabe,” I say, feeling bold in the white moonlight.
Her touch gives me strength and banishes the demons, at least
temporarily. “When I was in high school, I used to entertain
thoughts about this tractor.” I pause. “And about a guy
fucking me on it.” Ty's brows shoot up and he pauses across
from me, facing my body with his own. I can practically feel the
electricity in the air between us, sizzling, getting ready to shock
us both if we're not careful.

“
I
see,” he says, voice low and husky.

“
So,
what are you waiting for?” I ask him. “Fuck me on it.”

Ty
doesn't waste another moment. He steps forward and spins me around
like a dancer, putting his hand on the center of my back and pushing
me over so that I have to grab two bars on the back of the tractor to
stay upright. My heart begins to pulse, heats my blood, makes my
entire body go limp under Ty's touch.

“
You
are one, dirty girl,” he growls as he pushes my nightgown up my
sides and lets it hang in blood red folds around my waist. My chip
earring slaps my cheek, but I ignore it. I'm not having sex to fill
a void or because I'm lonely or to wake myself up inside. I'm having
sex because I want to have sex. With Ty. Only with Ty. I hear him
unzip his pants as I stare down at the dirty ground and hope none of
my sisters look out the windows and see us. If they do, it'll make
an awkward morning even worse.

I'm
having sex to have sex.
Might
not seem like a strange concept to you, but it is downright
frightening to me. I close my eyes and try not to groan as Ty slides
the hardness of his cock against me, just enough to tease but not
enough to release any of the pressure inside of me.

“
Say
it,” he tells me, and it takes me a second to realize what he
wants.

“
Later,”
I say, and I'm embarrassed to hear my voice come out in a whimper.
Ty squeezes my hips hard and I can feel the impression of his rings
against my skin. Neither of us remembers to use a condom. We never
have, and old habits die hard. Plus, we're both clean, so I suppose
it doesn't really matter. Besides, the idea that other woman have
gotten to feel Ty's hard cock warm and bare inside them pisses me
off. Why should I have to have a piece of rubber separating us? I
think all of these weird things in the back of my mind. In the front
of it, I'm wondering what's taking a stud like Ty so fucking long to
get to it.

“
Not
until you say it,” he whispers cruelly as he grinds his hips
into my ass. I try to stand up, but I can't escape. Ty McCabe has
me trapped, physically, mentally, emotionally. Tears sting my eyes.
He has no idea how hard this is for me or maybe he does, I don't
know. If I say it again, if I admit that I love him, then I'm only
going to be emphasizing how much hold he has over me.

“
I
can't,” I whisper as wet drops hit the earth and pool into
little balls, drawn together by cohesion, much like Ty and my
tortured bits are drawn together, desperate to cling to one another, like
to like, pain to pain.