Finding Never (5 page)

“
India,
can you help me with something?” she asks as she moves across
the hardwood floor and I start to cry again. I don't know when I'm
going to be able to stop. “This Christmas break homework is
stupid. I don't get why we have to do it. It's a
break
, not
a study session.” She pauses and looks up, spots me and
freezes like a deer caught in the headlights. Lorri skips in right
behind her, sees me and stumbles for a moment, copper pigtails
swinging with the momentum.

There's
this terrible moment where I am absolutely positive that neither of
them is going to remember me.

“
Never!”
they say in near perfect unison. The notebook goes flying and hits
the staircase as Lettie and Lorri race forward and embrace me with
the kind of innocence that's only found in children, the perfect,
pure, love and honesty that gets bled out of the rest of us. I stand
there and laugh while fat tears hit their pretty heads and India
grins at me like a crazy person.

“
Be
right back,” she says as she scoots reluctantly away. “I
gotta check on the babies.” I sniffle and gently move my
little sisters back, so I can look into their eyes and thank the
powers that be that they know who I am.

“
I
told you she'd come home,” Lorri tells Lettie with an eye roll
that seems inappropriate for her young age. Then again, my sisters
and I have always been ornery. I suppose it just runs in the blood.

“
Where's
Zella?” I ask them, feeling my heart contract painfully.
Zella's daddy was my daddy, and of all people, I had expected her to
stand up for me, with me, against my mother's decision, but she
didn't say a damn word, not one fucking word. If I'm going to make
peace with my past, I have to see her.

“
Zella
moved to Texas,” Lettie tells me as she turns to Ty and gives
him a look that says she isn't buying what he's selling. “She's
going to college in Austin.” My heart drops.

“
Oh,”
I say, and I try to keep my voice light. I don't want to ruin my
reunion with the rest of the girls. I can always call Zella later or
stop there on the way back to California. I smile at Lettie and
Lorri and follow their gazes over to Ty. “Guys, this is my
friend, Ty McCabe.”

“
Hey
there,” he says, bending down so that he's not towering over
them. “Nice to meet you.” Lettie looks at his ringed
hand like it's diseased, but Lorri shakes it vigorously.

“
Are
you a rock star?” she asks him, and he laughs.

“
No
way,” he tells her and he leans forward for a whisper. “Don't
tell anyone, but I can barely carry a tune.” Lorri chuckles as
Ty leans back, and I can't help but hold back a smile. You know how
they say you can judge a person's character by the way they treat
little kids and animals? It's true. I can see in Ty's mannerisms
how gentle he really is. The thought that anyone could hurt him,
including me, pisses me off, and I hope to God that I never do.

“
Where
have you been?” Lettie asks, turning back to me with a frown on
her adolescent face. At thirteen though, she's changing, entering
that awkward phase between girl and woman. “I missed you,
sister.” I laugh again and take her into my arms for another
hug. I can't tell her the truth, not yet. Maybe someday I'll take
her to lunch and spill my side of the story. For now, I just ruffle
her hair and come up with something explanatory but nondescript.

“
I
had to go to college,” I tell her with a grin. “So I
could become something kick ass awesome.”

“
Like?”
Lettie inquires as I glance over at Ty. He's staring back at me like
he's just as interested in my answer as she is. The weird part about
all of this is that I have no fucking clue. What do I want to be
when I grow up? I haven't the slightest friggin' idea. I feel like
I've been living in a haze for five years and have finally just
stepped out of it. Everything seems so much clearer now. I respond
as best I can.

“
Like
someone who's in control, who's their own boss, who has a job that
they can't wait to wake up for, and that keeps them up at night
because they can't stop thinking about it.” I don't know if a
job like that even exists or I'm just spinning some serious grade A
bullshit, but it sounds pretty and it satisfies my sister. For now.

“
Hey
there,” India says as she comes back in with two copper haired
girls on either hip.
Jesus Christ, we're like a family of clones.
It's incredible. Guess those old Southern genes run strong and
hard.
“Lookie who I've got. Never, this is Darla.”
India turns so that I can see the little girl's face. She's so cute
I can't stand it. I step forward, but she buries her head in my
sister's shoulder. I smile sadly, but know that I'll figure out some
way to weasel into her affections, even if I have to buy her off.
“Darla, that's your big sister, Never. Remember the pictures
we looked at together?” Darla nods her head and sticks her
thumb in her mouth. India shrugs and turns, so I can see the other
girl. “And this is Beth's daughter, Maple. She's two and
Darla is three.” India juggles them expertly, making me
certain that biologically those girls might be sister and niece to
her, but as far as time spent and values learned, India is their
pseudo-mother.
Goddamn you,
I curse Mom and Beth and wonder
where the hell they are. Knowing my mom, she's probably dancing
naked under the moon at some hippie-dippie fair, and Beth, well,
she's probably slaving away at some useless, piece of crap, nowhere,
dead end job. “They'll warm up eventually,” India says
as she turns and gestures at Ty and me with her chin. “I've
gotta get them something to eat before all hell breaks loose.”

She
disappears into the kitchen with Lettie and Lorri at her heels and
gives me a perfect, quiet moment with McCabe. I'm kind of glad
because I've just gone into overload mode and feel like a robot about
to short circuit. There is so much going on in my head right now
that I need time to process things, organize them, figure out how to
feel before Beth and my mom get here. They're going to be my two
biggest obstacles in this marathon of pain, heartache, and healing,
and I could use a water break before I get to them.

“
How
are you feeling?” Ty asks as he slides our suitcases to the
side with his foot and steps closer to me. I have to really think
about that before I answer him. Tears start to flow and I dash them
away angrily. I hate crying. Hate, hate, hate it, and yet I can't
seem to stop. I'm like a broken fucking faucet.

“
Overwhelmed?”
I say, but I'm not sure. Ty nods and tucks my head under his chin.
If nothing else, he understands. We're one in the same, Ty McCabe
and I, and he'll always, always get me. Even if nobody else does.

8

The
kitchen looks much the same now as it did when I left. There are
dishes piled sky high in the sink, but not from lack of trying on
either Beth's or India's parts (they were the only ones that ever did
any chores around the house). It's just because there are so many
people under one roof. One meal is all it takes. Sippy cups and
plastic plates sit stacked neatly in the drying rack and rusted pots
and pans hang from the ceiling interspersed with dried clumps of
herbs that nobody uses but that make everything look homey and
perfectly country. The refrigerator is littered with magnets and
school photos, some that even date back to my days as a ballerina.
Ty catches sight of one when he walks in and pauses, smiling as he
examines the long lines of my arms and legs, the way the light caught
on my copper bun that day. He fingers the edge of the photo and
throws a glance my way that I pretend not to catch. I don't want to
even think about the past right now. I can barely handle the
present.

I
watch as India sets Darla and Maple in matching purple booster chairs
and wipes her hands on her jeans. She can't stop smiling at me,
grinning from ear to ear like she's just won the lottery. I don't
think I'm that cool, but I'm glad I can make her smile. After all
the time we've lost, at least I can do that. Lettie and Lorri
scramble up into the window seat together and lean forward like
twins, elbows on their knees, eyes bright. I feel like some kind of
miracle or something. It's kind of cute, but also a little bit
scary. I can't mean so much to these girls or I might let them down,
and I'll die before that happens.

“
Beth
is the assistant manager at the Clothing Case,” India says
proudly, naming the used clothing boutique that's existed downtown
for as long as I can remember. They specialize in designer clothing
that's already been worn and traded in for cash then resell it at a
ridiculously overblown price. The girls at school were always
obsessed with going there because that meant they could get the
latest designer bullshit at half the price. Me, I stuck to Target.
A tank top is a tank top, and a pair of holey jean shorts, well fuck
me, I can cut up a pair of Salvation Army jeans and make a pair that
cups my ass like a second skin.

“
That's
great, India,” I say putting this ridiculous amount of pep in
my voice. Ty's dark eyes slide over to me and he smirks. I ignore
him, convinced that one day I'm going to end up meeting someone from
his hazy, mysterious past and he's going to show me a side of himself
that I've never seen. It'll be my turn then. “And … ”
I swallow. “Mom?” India sighs, and in her face, I see
the same tired irritation that I always felt.

“
She's
on a date,” she tells me as she pulls out a box of Cheerios and
sets it on the counter. I scoot out one of the chairs on my side of
the table and gesture for Ty to sit. He moves over and folds himself
into it, a dark, sensual modern sexy against all of the light country
décor. Somehow, it makes him seem even more beautiful. “And
I'm supposed to watch the girls and set the table even though I have
a ton of crap to do.” India grabs a banana and cuts it into
little circles before setting it on the table between Darla and
Maple. Neither one touches it. They're both just staring at me with
pretty hazel eyes that are so wide they look like marbles. India
pauses, sighs, and turns around, holding her head to the side so that
her hair hangs likes a copper sheet over her shoulder. “God,
Never, I'm so glad you're here. I really … ” She
swallows and gets teary. “I really missed you.”

“
I
missed you so much it nearly killed me,” I admit, but I don't
elaborate. She doesn't ask me to. Lettie and Lorri remain quiet,
just watching, absorbing. I'm sure that once they get past their
initial shock, they'll be all over me. I may not even be able to get
rid of them. Not that I'd want to. Not in a million years.
Whatever happens here now, tonight, tomorrow, next week, next
year,
I will not cut down the whole family tree because of a few bad
apples. I make this vow in my head and smear it with the blood of my
soul because I will
not
break it, no matter what Mom and Beth
do, no matter what Zella says over the phone. Those are the three
members of my family that I'm afraid might be the poisoned apple to
my Snow White. I've got to be careful, oh so fucking careful.

“
Beth
should be home any minute. God, she's going to freak the fuck out
when she sees you, Never. When you called, you should've seen her
face. She was white as a sheet. I thought she might've seen a
ghost.” India heads to the fridge and pulls out some juice
which she pours carefully into cups for Maple and Darla. I look
around, wanting to help her but not feeling at home enough to touch
anything. I might've grown up here, but I feel like a fucking
stranger off the street. I glance over at Ty and am surprised that
he looks relaxed and comfortable, not at all like this is weird for
him. And it should be. It really should be. After all, this isn't
his family, it's mine, and I'm … what to him? A friend? A
sponsor? A girl he made love to? A
girlfriend? No, can't be.
Guys like Ty McCabe don't have girlfriends. They have fuck buddies
and one night stands and …
I stop myself and try to take
a deep breath. Ty has changed; I have changed, and things are not
always what they seem. He told me he loved me. How many girls he's
said that to, I don't know, but I don't think it's many.

“
Can
I help with anything?” I ask finally as India pulls some rolls
out of a plastic bag, throws them on a plate and sticks them in the
microwave.

“
Nah,”
she says, still smiling, still doing other people's chores with a
smile on her face. “You're a guest. Sit down. It's alright,
I got it.” She pauses and glances over her shoulder at me.
“Mom's supposed to be home soon with some of those rotisserie
chickens from the store, you know, the precooked ones?” I
really have no idea what she's talking about, so I shrug and sit down
in the chair next to Ty. As soon as he gets the chance, he takes my
hand and rubs his thumb over my knuckles, light, soothing, swoon
worthy. I look down at it and then back up at him. I'm not used to
this kind of stuff. I don't know how to have a boyfriend, a
companion, even a friend. But I notice I don't pull away. I can't.
I don't want to.
I just want a fucking cigarette.