Finding Never (17 page)

“
I
had sex to feel better about myself,” I tell her and try not to
choke on my own words. My chip earring is still hanging by my cheek,
reminding me what I've been through and how lucky I am to be alive.

“
How
many people?” Jade asks, and I cringe. I don't think she was
asking to be mean, just curious, just trying to understand who I am
and where I've been, who I've become. She wants to know me which is
more than I can say for my mother.

“
I
don't know,” I reply honestly, and that's that. Beth moves on
to other things, pointless things like how they had to have the water
heater replaced two years back, and how the tree in the back of the
house, the one that we use to climb when we were kids, fell down and
came
this
close to hitting the house and killing Jade in her
sleep. Beth talks briefly, oh so briefly, about how it was to live
with Luis. Without actually saying the words, I get her drift:
you
were right.
When she's done talking, she pauses and turns on a
horrible Christian rock/country radio station that makes me gag.
After three songs though, we pull into the parking lot and she shuts
off the car.

“
Never,”
she says as she spins to look at me, reaches out and cups my face
between her hands. “I am so sorry. I believed you, I did, but
I was going through a phase where I wanted Mom to approve of me, and
I just – ” I cut her off with a smile. She can't know
how much her words mean to me. It's just impossible. That simple
phrase, that sorry, that tells me that she cares, that she regrets,
that she hopes for something better and right now, that's all that
matters to me. I open my mouth to speak and then pause. I had been
laboring under the assumption that Darla was Luis' biological child,
but if he tried to hurt Jade four years ago and got kicked out, and
Darla is only three then …

“
Who
is Darla's father?” I ask and although it might not be funny to
anyone else, it is to us because this is the story of our life, and
we're in charge of the punch lines. Beth starts to cry again, but
she's laughing at the same time.

“
Well,”
Jade begins, sliding forward in her seat so she can look right at me
when she says this. “There was this Def Leppard tribute band
that came into town a few years back …”

24

Dinner
with my sisters is … blissfully normal. I think we're all
sort of tired of living in the past, so whether or not we should be
discussing past issues doesn't really matter. As soon as we sit in
those chairs and pick up those horribly pretentious menus, we can't
stop laughing and the world is suddenly this whole new place for me.
It's a bit scary. But maybe I'm in a good mood because I've decided
what I need to do, what
needs
to be done. When we get home,
the house is dark and quiet. I say my good nights and head straight
up the stairs, feeling strangely at peace with myself and the
decisions I've made. This mood may not last long, but I'm going to
ride it for all it's worth.

“
Want
to do something with me?” I ask Ty as soon as I step into my
bedroom and close the door behind me. If Jade finds out what I'm up
to, she'll never forgive me. But what she doesn't understand is that
I'm not just doing this for her, I'm doing this for me, too. Ty
glances up at me, peeling his eyes away from the pages of a blue and
yellow notebook. My notebook. My fucking journal. “Um, do
you have any fucking sense of privacy or self preservation?” I
ask the shirtless hottie who's lying stretched across my bed in a
pair of black sweats but nothing else. His skin is bronzed and
beautiful, like the surface of a penny, tanned from the sun and
absolutely, one hundred percent kissable. I glance away as Ty sets
the book beside him.

“
Hey,”
he says, and I can hear the bed creaking as he sits up. “There
wasn't much else to do after your little sisters went to bed.”
He pauses. “Though I did speak with your mother.” I
glance back at him and am determined not to get lost in the beautiful
lines of his body. If I do, I may very well just climb into bed with
him and forget this whole thing. But I can't. I can't forget it
because it may very well be one of my top five moments in life. I
have to confront Luis about my father, about Jade. I have to because
if I don't, I will always have this anger inside of myself. The
anger that makes me fuck guys I don't love, that brings tears to my
eyes when there shouldn't be any. I have to get rid of it, and I
need Ty to help me. If Ty doesn't come along with me, I may very
well kill that sick son of a bitch.

“
Why?”
Ty sits up completely and puts his feet on the floor. I notice that
he doesn't release his hold on the notebook.

“
She
was asking about you.”

“
And?
What did you tell her?” My heart is thumping away like a mad
thing, and it isn't only because beautiful, fucking, tortured,
twisted Ty McCabe is sitting half-naked in front of me. I have to
know what my mother asked about, what she said. I still know that I
have to cut her off for my own well being, but that doesn't mean I
want to, doesn't mean I'm not curious about her. Somehow, coming
from her womb has connected us in a way that nobody else could
possibly understand save my sisters. However, this binds me only to
them and not to her. I imagine it would be different if she loved
me.
If
is a very big word.

“
I
said you had the greatest capacity for love that I've ever seen in
any other human being.” I lock my gaze on Ty's and try to tell
him how I feel without words. Somehow, he gets it. He always does.

“
What
else?” Ty shakes his head.

“
That's
all she wanted to know,” he responds honestly. He thinks my
feelings will be hurt, and they should be, but they're not. I just
nod my head and move on. That's how I have to deal with my mom now,
how I should've dealt with her all those years ago. I should've cut
her off and tried to make up with everybody else, stuck around, been
with Noah. But then … Maybe fate took me on this crazy ride
with the very purpose of meeting Ty. Maybe he and I are meant to be
together, like some kind of twisted, fucked up fairytale couple from
a bloody Grimm story. I glance at the journal. I should be mad that
he read it, but somehow, it seems appropriate.

“
You
have no sense of privacy,” I repeat and he grins at me, dimples
and all.

“
This
was a riveting read,” he says as he shakes the journal. His
bracelets jingle like bells. “I like the part where you write
a whole page of
Fuck You's
to the assholes at your school.”
Ty licks his sexy lips and flips open to a full page of angry black
scribbles. “To that fucking, Goddamn, cock sucking little cunt
who refused to pass me a tampon when I was in the women's bathroom.
I hope you go to hell and die.” I laugh because that moment,
when it happened, infuriated me to within an inch of my life.
Doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore.

“
Get
up,” I tell him as I look longingly at the tiny sprinkle of
hair that leads from the bottom of Ty's bellybutton and into his
pants. A happy trail, they call that. I've followed many but none
as nice as Ty's. None of the bad boys I ever slept with had that
smile that burns like the sun, those deep eyes, that perfect body,
that … Fuck. To anyone but me, it would sound as if I was
head over heels in love. Since I have no way to judge that emotion,
I move past it, ignorant and blissfully stupid. One day I'll get it.
“Let's burn some memories to ash.”

Ty
dresses quickly and follows me outside with a fresh pack of cigs
tucked in the pocket of his pants and an extra lighter. I dig a
small hole in the dirt next to our favorite tractor and start to tear
up the pages of my journal. Ty bends down next to me, and we spend
these few, perfect quiet moments burning the memories of my high
school life to bits of black that float in the gentle breeze. Ty
even lights us up with the fire from the cover which I think is
pretty fucking special in some kind of strange, screwed up way.

“
You
know what,” Ty tells me as we stand in unison and look at each
other. He still doesn't know we're going to see Luis, but I think he
senses it. “You really are fucking beautiful.” I roll
my eyes, but I have to admit, I kind of like it when he says that.

“
You're
a troll,” I tell him as we blow sweet puffs of smoke at one
another. It's like we're speaking with our cigarettes, communicating
in some strange way that nobody else will ever understand. It's kind
of nice.

“
Where
are we going?” he asks me finally as we both drop our butts to
the ground and step on them.

“
To
find the fucker that killed my father,” I say.

No
other explanation and Ty just says, “Sounds good to me, baby.”

We
climb into India's truck and drive down the road to forgiveness, one
that's paved with the thick, dark bricks of revenge.

25

I
can't stop spinning Ty's ring around my finger. I still don't know
why he gave it to me, but I'm glad. It's a grounding point for me,
something to focus on to help control my anxiety. He notices me
doing it and puts a hand on my knee. I jump but only because I
didn't expect the touch. In all honesty, it feels pretty damn good.

“
You're
not a bad driver,” I tell Ty as he follows the main road into
town. There isn't much need for directions, not in here, not in this
little slice of Middle America. “I mean, for a guy who doesn't
have a car.” Ty smiles, but he doesn't respond, doesn't tell
me how he learned to drive or when. I am laid out on the operating
table for him to see, guts glistening shiny under fluorescent lights,
while Ty is zipped up nice and tight, still this dark column of sin
and mystery. I want to open him and look inside, see what makes him
tick, what made him who he is, put all that hurt behind his eyes. I
might be sorry when I do.

“
So
how do you know this guy's going to be at the Broken Glass?” Ty
asks as he pulls into a parking space down the block from the
building in question. I stare out the window and can't help but
wonder how many of my sisters were conceived in the bathroom of this
building or the alley behind it. I suspect at least two, creepy as
that sounds. I open my door and put my heel on the step bar of the
truck. The neon sign for the bar is glowing a bright, sickly green
that seems at odds with the historical brick building it's housed in.
India told me to look for a big, white truck with tinted windows and
a mismatched camper shell.
Bingo.

“
Even
if that wasn't his truck,” I tell Ty with a raised eyebrow. “I
would know he was here. I can practically smell him.” Ty
grabs my arm before I can jump out of the vehicle. His touch is
gentle but firm. He wants to tell me something important.

“
Revenge
I can understand, but we also have to remember what the consequences
of our actions could be. You and I, we've spent too long ignoring
consequences. This is our chance at a fresh start, Nev, and much as
I'd like to toss this piece of human garbage off a bridge, I don't
want to spend the rest of my life pining for you from a jail cell.”
I smile back at Ty and lean back so that our faces are tantalizingly
close.

“
Guess
what?” I whisper and Ty doesn't respond. He's too busy running
his hand up my arm, brushing his fingers over the soft skin on my
neck. “I haven't given a blow job in five years. I thought
I'd ask if you'd let me practice on you.” He laughs which
wasn't my expected response and grabs me as I try to pull away.

“
You
have no idea how happy that makes me,” he says as I roll my
eyes. Ty tilts my head back and kisses me upside down, sloppy and
sexy and absolutely, one hundred percent distracting.
I'm on a
mission of revenge here, boy of my darkest dreams.

“
Wow,
a guy excited over getting head? How rare is that?” Ty grabs
me around the throat and licks his lips when I shiver. I let my head
relax against his chest and don't even care that a bunch of people
are stumbling out of the bar, laughing like a pack of diseased
hyenas.

“
I
mean I'm happy that you haven't had your mouth wrapped around a bunch
of other guys' dicks,” Ty tells me, and it's my turn to laugh.

“
You're
a real piece of work,” I say as I reach up and pull his hands
away gently. “Now get off your ass and come help me beat the
shit out of a man named Luis Clark.” Ty laughs again and
reluctantly lets me escape the cab of the truck. I might not be so
lucky on the way home.

“
Seriously?”
he asks.

“
As
a heart attack.” I hit the pavement in my heels, ducking into
a slight crouch that actually makes me feel pretty fucking cool, like
some kind of badass vampire chick or something. Maybe four inch
pumps aren't your standard
going-to-beat-the-shit-out-of-your-father's-murderer shoes, but I'll
make do. Plus I have Ty, big, hard, thick, muscular Ty who punched
the shit out of some convenience store robbers/wannabe rapists. What
a memory. I spin Ty's ring around my finger while I wait for him to
come around the front of the truck. Almost immediately he wraps his
arm around my waist and pulls me against him.