Authors: Julie Pollitt
Finding Kate (9 page)
A twinge of sadness ran through Will. His mother’s hands were a part of that church now destroyed.
“It reiterates our temporary life here on earth,” Emma said. “Nothing is permanent, even our church.”
“It will help your breathing,” Karen, the hospice nurse, said. She turned the knob on the oxygen machine for Emma and gently pushed the nasal cannula into her nose, looping the extra tubing behind her ears.
“It’s sort of uncomfortable.” Emma said, sitting on the edge of her bed.
“I know,” Karen said, putting her hand on the side of Emma’s arm. “But it won’t be as hard to catch your breath.”
“I’m pretty sleepy. I’d like to lie back for a while.” She reached her arm out for Will. He took her hand as he walked up next to the bed and helped ease her into a resting position. His side ached after his fall at the fire, but he wasn’t about to complain.
Emma fiddled with the tubing around her face. Will sat down in the recliner next to the bed as Karen took Emma’s vitals.
“Get Kate for me,” Emma said, tapping Will on the knee.
“I didn’t see her car at the house a little while ago. I’m guessing she’s at church. They’re meeting at the Community Center, and that’s most likely where she is right now.”
“I need to see her.”
He nodded. “I’ll get her over here when she gets back home.” Will wondered why Emma wanted to see Kate so badly. He’d noticed her mind wandering more in the past few days. Was she confused?
“Let me fill out this paperwork in the kitchen. Will, can you join me?” Karen asked as she pointed toward the other room.
“I’ll be back in to check on you in a little bit. Get some rest.” He lifted the covers up to her shoulders and tucked her in as she closed her eyelids. Will stared at her for a short moment.
Her expressions were so soft and peaceful.
Will walked to the kitchen table and sat down across from Karen. “She’s lost a lot of weight, and it’s getting harder for her to even come into the living room. Her strength is dwindling so fast.”
“This is all a part of the process. It’s a short matter of time.” Karen set her pen down on the table. “The oxygen will help a little. It will ease her breathing.”
“She’s been hearing a lot of ringing or buzzing sounds, too,” Will said.
“That’s a symptom of the brain tumors. She might have problems with her vision, or loss of movement of an arm or leg. Everyone is a little different and her mind still seems to be sharp. It’s surprising to me she’s doing so well, considering. Count that as a blessing.”
“Every day with her is a blessing,” he said, scooting his chair closer to the table.
“How are you doing with all of this Will? Do you have someone to talk to?”
“No, I’m good. I don’t need to talk about it.” He shook his head.
What is there to talk about?
He wanted Emma to be okay. It was that simple.
“It helps to get your feelings out and talk about your emotions. It’s all part of the grieving process.” She lifted her duffel bag into her lap and pulled out several handouts. She laid them on the table and slid them across to Will. “Read through these. When we lose a loved one it’s important to know there are other people out there going through the same situation. We also have some counselors and group meetings that help a lot of people.”
Will stared out the kitchen window.
“I want you to think about talking with someone. You’ve got me, and we have plenty of other people down at hospice to help—“
“She hasn’t been eating much,” Will said. “It worries me.
Karen put her elbows on the table and clasped her fingers together under her chin. “It’s in our nature to make sure our loved ones are eating and keeping their bodies strong, even though we know the end is near. But, she’s in her last days and now it’s more important to keep her comfortable. If she’s not eating, that’s okay. If all she wants is ice cream, that’s okay, too.” Karen smiled.
It made sense. He just had to get the information from his head to his heart.
“You need to do whatever it takes to keep her content. There isn’t usually a lot of pain associated with the tumors other than vomiting and headaches. You have some medications if the headaches return.”
Will crossed his legs and glanced down at the floor before looking back at Karen.
She piled up her folders, slid them into her bag, and looked at Will. “I want you to talk with someone you can trust, when you’re ready.” Karen put the bag across her shoulder and walked to the front door.
Will stayed a few steps behind. What good would it do to talk it out?
“Remember. If you need anything call me day or night. That’s what I’m here for.”
“Thanks.” He waved and closed the door. He leaned his head against the wall. His emotions were beginning to weigh down on him.
***
Kate pulled into her driveway, still emotional from the morning church service. She couldn’t wait to tell Will about the hymnal Pastor Connor found amongst the ashes. She only hoped his feelings would match her own.
Before stepping out of her car her cell phone buzzed inside of her purse. She unzipped her purse and lifted the phone up to her ear. Will.
Kate pushed the “Talk” button. “Hello?”
“Hi Kate,” Will said.
“How is Emma today?”
“She’s…well, she’s not doing so good. She’s getting frail.”
“I am so sorry. What can I do to help?” She climbed out of the car while talking to him and walked into her house.
“Actually, that’s why I called. She wants to see you.”
“Me?” Kate crinkled her forehead in confusion.
“That’s what she said.”
As she walked through the front door she set her purse down on the table. “Give me a minute and I’ll be down there.”
“See you then,” Will said, before the two hung up.
Kate changed into shorts and a casual shirt. For the first time in as long as she could remember, she didn’t care if her shirt had a polo rider on it. It didn’t seem important how stylish she looked.
Kate’s mind raced. What could Emma want? What could she possibly have to tell her?
Kate closed the front door behind her and walked the dirt road to Emma’s. As she approached, Will sat on the front porch swing waiting. His shoulders slumped forward.
“Before you go in, you need to know that in the last day or so, Emma’s memory has failed a great deal. She’s starting to say things that don’t make any sense.” He stared out into the distance.
She sat down next to him in silence and looked up at him. “Do you want to talk about it?” Her eyes met his.
“The hospice nurse thinks I should.” He paused and the two sat quietly, rocking. “It’s hard. It’s really hard.” He ran his hand across his cheeks and rubbed his eyes. “So much has happened to her. It’s so unfair.”
Kate touched the top of his hand with her fingertips. “I want you to know that I’m here for you.” She wanted to do something, anything to make him feel better.
“I appreciate that. I’m trying to find the peace Emma has, it’s just not there.” He leaned forward and buried his face in his hands. He sat back again, crossed his arms, and stared straight ahead. “I’ll take you inside. She might be awake now.” He stood up and opened the door for Kate. She walked through the doorway into the quiet stillness of the house.
The dark hallway led to Emma’s room. The shades were pulled. “Emma?” Will whispered. “Emma? Kate is here.”
She rolled over slowly. The oxygen machine puffed every few seconds.
“Come. Sit.” Emma’s voice cracked. Will pushed the chair close to the bed for Kate.
“I’ll be out in the living room. You two talk.” As he left the room he closed the door behind him.
Kate’s eyes began to adjust to the darkness. She felt something move at her feet. Max stood up and stretched. He leaned against her leg waiting for attention.
“He hasn’t left my side. Will has to struggle to get him to eat something. Poor critter.”
Kate ran her hand along his back. He turned in a circle a couple of times, plopped on the floor, and went back to sleep after a long sigh.
“I want you to take care of Will for me,” Emma said.
Kate swallowed hard. What could she say? “I’m not sure he wants me to.”
“He’s a tough one to crack, that boy. He’s got a lot of love in him. He just needs to learn to let it out. And you’re the perfect girl to show him how.”
Kate sat silent. She didn’t want to pry. She simply didn’t know how to break through Will’s shell.
“He needs a true friend.” She lifted her hand to her head and tugged on the oxygen tubing.
Kate reached forward and gently pulled her hand down. She held it in her own, keeping Emma from removing the oxygen. “How are you so sure I’m the right one for the job?”
“I just have a feeling.” Emma’s lips widened into a smile. “I already love you, and I barely know you. You have brought sunshine into both of our lives in such a short time.”
“But, I…I don’t fit in out here in the country. I don’t know anything about ranching.”
“I know Chicago is a long way from here. But you have Wintervale written all over your heart.”
Kate didn’t do anything to deserve praise from Emma. “You’ve given me something special. You are a strong woman and you share your heart without reservation.” Tears trickled down Kate’s cheeks.
“Don’t cry, hon.” Emma smiled again. “It won’t be long and I’ll be gone. You still have a lifetime ahead of you. It will be blessed.”
“It already is.”
***
Kate squinted her eyes to adjust to the light in the living room.
“Everything okay?” Will stood up from the couch and walked toward Kate. She hesitated for a second and leaned into his chest, wrapping her arms around him. He slowly put his arms around her.
“It will be.” His breath was hot against her forehead.
He pulled her back and looked into her eyes.
Kate tilted her head to the side and cleared her throat. “She wants me to take care of you.”
His lips widened into a smile and he laughed. “Gotta say. I never would have guessed that.” He laughed. “What did you tell her?”
The phone in her pocket buzzed. She lifted it out and looked at the caller ID. It was Trevor. Always bad timing.
Kate’s cell phone rang again. She placed her coffee mug on the table next to her couch. She lifted up the phone. Trevor again. Avoidance was no longer possible, knowing at some point she must share the truth about her unromantic feelings toward him.
Before Will entered her life, her insides fluttered with excitement when Trevor’s name scrolled across the telephone.
Now, her insides twisted up into a knot. Kate filled her lungs with a breath of air and picked up the phone. “Trevor I’ve been meaning to call you. I’m so glad you—“
“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry to hear about the church burning down,” Trevor interjected, ignoring her statement. “I’m so glad no one was hurt.”
“Thank you,” she said.
Although she’d only attended a few services, a part of her soul grieved for the church members who were left without so much as a place to lift a hymnal and sing a song.
“The lot is now filled with soot and mountains of ash.” Black stained the surrounding trees.
“I bet Emma and Will are heartbroken,” he said.
“He mentioned she had a hard time with the news. He didn’t give her too many details, sparing her already fragile state.” Emma looked half her weight, changing from only a couple of weeks ago.
“It’s been a few days since we’ve talked.” He changed the subject and paused for a moment. “Have you had a chance to think about things?”
Kate closed the lid on her laptop computer. “I’ve had some time to think.”
“And?” He waited.
“Trevor, I’ve known you for so long. You know all my good habits, and unfortunately, all my bad habits. I love that you’re okay with most of those.” She traced the brand logo on the top of her computer with her finger.
“I don’t like the sound of this. An explanation usually precedes a no.” His voice lowered.
“I have to admit, I came here with the intention of—“
“Of what?”
“Of getting you to come back to Chicago with me.” There, it was out. He knew her crazy secret. “Then something happened. Something I never saw coming.”
“Let me guess, it has something to do with Will?”
Was it that obvious? A part of her felt sympathy for Trevor, but the better part of her wanted to shout her excitement from the rooftops. She loved Will.
“You barely know the guy. Aren’t you afraid to jump into to a relationship with someone you just met?”
“He’s one of your good friends, isn’t he?” Kate questioned him.
“Will’s a great guy. However, I can’t picture you staying here in Wintervale. I know he’d never go to Chicago.”
Kate didn’t like the implication. She admitted the thought crossed her mind, but she was fully aware that Chicago and Will most likely wouldn’t mix.
Besides, Wintervale was burrowing a place in her soul.
“I can’t say I’m not unhappy. I want you to be happy, but since you arrived, I felt something different. Admittedly, it didn’t surface until I saw you with Will.” He cleared his throat. “I suppose if Will is the one then you couldn’t have picked a more loyal man.”
The idea warmed through Kate. “Thank you for understanding. I want us to be friends Trevor. I don’t want to lose what we had before.”
“Me too Kate. Me too.”
***
“We talked about Emma’s funeral today,” Will said, leaning back against the couch in Emma’s living room.
“I know it’s hard.” Kate said, crossing her legs.
“I never thought I’d have to experience that conversation. I tried to talk myself out of it. But as much as I hated to talk about it, the more I realized she needed to.”
“It’s hard to believe she walked up to my house bringing brownies such a short time ago.”
Will nodded and turned to face her. “Going through this with Emma has made me realize how important you are to me.”
She smiled and felt the heat move to her face. Kate looked down.
“It’s hard to talk about…the situation. For some reason it’s different with you. It’s easier.”
“I think this is how friendships are supposed to be.”
“I want it to be more than friendship.”
Max appeared around the corner. His body jerked as he barked continuously. Will stood up to follow.
The dog ran fast down the hall, turning into Emma’s bedroom and stopping short of jumping on her bed.
Will sat down in the chair still next to Emma’s bed. He touched her fingertips. “Emma?”
Kate stood in the doorway, took a breath, and held onto it. Was she gone?
“Will?” Emma asked.
Kate exhaled and closed her eyes.
“I’m listening,” Will whispered. Max sat straight up watching every move.
Kate tipped her head against the doorframe wondering if she should stay or go. She didn’t want to intrude on their precious time together.
Emma opened her eyes halfway. Her lids must’ve felt the weight of several pounds, but she worked hard to keep them open.
Kate bit her lip to keep from crying. She couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.
“He’s waiting,” she said and looked right at Will.
“Who? Who is waiting?” He leaned in closer to her face. Her voice became quieter.
Emma again smiled and closed her eyes. Her breathing was labored. Her chest rose and fell sporadically.
Will sat and stared at her for a few moments.
Kate stepped over by his side and slid her hands on his shoulders. “I’m here if you need me. Tell me what I can do.”
“There’s not much you can do.”
Kate wrapped her arms around Will.
“It’s gonna be a long night.” Will said, and turned in his chair to face her. “I need to do this alone.”
Kate wanted to be by his side, but she understood his wishes. “Call me if you need anything. I can run right over.”
He stood up and wrapped his arms around her. Her heart melted to his. She felt a sense of safety and security for the first time in her life.
Kate placed her hand on his chest and looked into his eyes, red with tears. She turned to go, letting her hand slide down his arm and into his palm. She knelt down beside the bed and touched Emma’s hand.
“I love you Emma.” The woman didn’t respond. Kate knew Emma understood in some way.
Kate walked to the front door working hard to contain her emotions until she stepped outside. She grabbed the knob to close the door and Max barked. She turned and knelt down to pet him. As she scratched his head, she said, “It’ll be okay little buddy.”
Kate’s house seemed quieter than normal. She needed noise. Anything to take her mind off Emma. She glanced out the window at the dark night and leaned back, resting on the couch. Her eyes felt like lead as she drifted off to sleep.
A scratch at the door woke Kate. She rubbed her eyes and looked around the living room trying to make sense of the noise. She had fallen into a deep sleep on the couch. The scratching started again. This time she went to the door.
The moment she opened it, Max ran through and found his spot on the carpet. Kate’s hand went to her mouth. Emma was gone. Deep down she knew it.
The sun rose and heat radiated into the room through the front window. Kate spent the entire night on the couch while Max still slept on the floor curled up in his usual ball.
She checked her phone again to see if Will called, but nothing. She sat up and looked out the window. A long, black suburban sat in the driveway of Emma’s house. The word ‘Mortuary’ was written in cursive along the side of the vehicle.
This time, Kate didn’t stifle her tears. She let them come freely. Emma was gone.
Kate continued to watch the house. A few minutes later the suburban drove by and behind it Will walked slowly up the road.
Kate opened the front door and ran out of the house, meeting him at the road. She threw her arms around him. Will leaned in and nudged his face into her neck, and Kate felt his warm tears on her skin.
“She went peacefully,” Will said, lifting his head. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his tears. “I hate this. I mean, it’s not supposed to be this hard is it?”
“I’m so sorry,” Kate said. Nothing she could say would make the pain lessen.
“I’m going to miss her so much.”
“She’s in a better place right now,” Kate said.
His eyebrows narrowed. “I get so tired of hearing that. I know things are better. I know she’s not in any more pain. I am sure everything is great. But down here,” he pointed his finger toward the ground, “things are still hard. I can picture her as happy as she can be, but it doesn’t make it any easier on me.”
Kate stood watching, not know quite what to do. Keeping her comments to a minimum would be best right now.
“I can’t have a relationship with you right now. I just can’t. I’m sorry.” Will turned and walked away.
Kate swallowed hard and her heart began to ache.