Filthy English (32 page)

I clutched the counter. He needed a
break?
The word pinged around in my head. God. Hartford had wanted a break, too. My chest rose.

“Dax, don’t . . .” My voice croaked, and I stopped, afraid I’d cry.

His expression was torn as he gazed at me, his eyes excruciatingly vulnerable. He opened his mouth to speak but slammed it shut. “I’m scared, Remi. Fucking scared. You. Can. Hurt. Me.”

And he was gone.

I held onto the counter as he left out the back door.

I was free to love, and all he had to do was claim me—but he hadn’t.

Malcolm walked in the kitchen slowly, and by the look on his face, I suspected he’d heard us. He wrapped his arms around me.

“You’ll always have me, Remi. I’ll even let you win at Scrabble.”

I squeezed him tighter.

I DIDN’T SEE
him Thursday.

I ignored him in class on Friday.

He looked like shit.

I
didn’t
did
care.

I jumped up to leave right as class ended, determined to not glance back. I looked—
dammit
—and his eyes were on me. Focused in. Raking over each inch of me.

After my classes, I got an excited call from Lulu, who said her roomie Carla had decided to move in permanently with her boyfriend, thus leaving me with the option of contacting the housing department and checking if I could fill her spot. I called immediately, and it was a done deal.

That night, Lulu and Malcolm came to the house to help me pack clothes and necessities. I’d be leaving the bedroom furniture until we had more time to arrange for the heavy lifting. Malcolm offered to help, and he was strong, but I wasn’t sure he or Lulu would be able to help me without the proper equipment. Moving completely out would take some time.

“You could ask Hartford?” Lulu suggested, but I nixed that idea. We were done, and me asking favors would confuse things.

I was determined to do this on my own.

“Good thing there’s already a bed in the dorm room,” Lulu mused as she took in my queen-sized headboard and chest of drawers.

“Yeah.” I wiped sweat off my forehead and pulled my shirt away from my chest to get some air. “I think we can get the end table in your truck though. Wanna try?”

The table was made from pressed wood; Malcolm insisted he’d do it, so we moved out of his way as he picked it up and eased it down the stairs carefully while I walked in front of him in case he stumbled.

We’d just gotten the last box of my clothes in the back of Lulu’s truck when Dax’s car came to a halt on the street.

He jumped out of the car and strode toward us.

“Oh, shit. Here comes some bloody British trouble—dammit, he’s hot, even sweaty. You think he’s dangerous? Want me to stay or go?”

“He won’t hurt me. You guys get in the truck and give us a moment.”

“Too bad I don’t have any popcorn in the cab.” She motioned for Malcolm to get in on the passenger side while she got behind the wheel. Both of them turned around to watch.

“What’s going on?” He looked in the back of the truck, taking in the contents.

Once again, he’d just come from the gym, wearing a tank and a pair of black nylon shorts. His tattoo was out there for everyone to see.

“I’m moving.”

“Where?”

“Dax, look—”

“Sonofabitch!” he yelled. “You’re moving in with Hartford, aren’t you?”

“Never. There’s a spot open in Lulu’s room.”

He raked a hand through his hair. His chest rose. “Fuck.”

I let out a breath. “Dax, look, you’ve barely been here all week. I feel like I’m the one pushing you away from something you should be proud of. You just bought this place.”

“I’m here now.”

“Not the way I want,” I said softly, my heart aching. I sucked in a breath.

He paced around me. Angry. “So, this is it? No warning. No note. No call. Not even a text—just you sneaking away while I’m gone.”

I rubbed at my wrist. My bracelet was packed away. “I was going to leave you a note.”

“I don’t care about a note, Remi! You’re leaving me
.
” He shook his head, his voice cracking.
“Just like I said you would.”

“No, it’s not like that,” I whispered.

I was leaving him for my own sanity. I felt unhinged here without him, walking around his house, waiting for him to appear like some mysterious ghost. This house was nothing without him here. And someday—
someday
he’d walk in with a pretty coed, and I would lose my fucking mind. I’d crack wide open.

I forced evenness into my voice, trying to rein in the emotion. God, it was so hard to walk away from him, but I had to get some backbone. “I’m in the way of you having a home. We can’t keep pretending we want different things. Someday you’ll bring a girl home and—”

“I haven’t been with anyone but you, dammit.
You
.”

“Neither have I!” I yelled, my nails digging into my palms. “I only want you. Did you really think I could sleep with Hartford after us?”

His eyes softened like a morning mist. “Remi . . .”

“This isn’t easy for me,” I whispered, weakening at the sound of his voice. “It’s nearly impossible to walk away from you even when you aren’t really mine. I’d much rather wait around for you to figure things out, but it’s hurting me—it’s breaking me inside. My heart is destroyed. I—I can’t put myself through freshman year again. I can’t watch you party and drink and screw around—when I—I’m in love with you. I always have been—
and you know it
.” I whimpered. Tears pooled and I battled them back.

His eyes closed.

“Goodbye, Dax.” I touched his arm, and he flinched, eyes flying open.

He studied me, his eyes lingering on every part of my face. “I’m not saying goodbye. I can’t.”

We drove away in silence. I clenched my fist to my mouth to keep from screaming.

A few tense moments passed and Malcolm grabbed my hand. His big eyes took me in. “I’m sorry things got screwed up.”

“It’s okay,” I said, barely keeping it together.

He gave me a sad look. “Dax’s a little intense, but it’s because he doesn’t know how to tell you he loves you. He’s never loved a girl, I think. His head’s all messed up. He reminds me of those skinny dogs at the shelter, the ones that are scared of their own shadow, but they want you to pet them really bad—” he paused, thinking. “I don’t mean he’s a
dog
, dog. I’m using a metaphor here, and a damn good one I think. Not bad for an autistic guy.”

I sent him a watery smile and hugged him. “You’re amazing.” My voice was shit.

“Will you be okay?” Lulu asked.

“I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right leaving him,” I whispered. “Not at all.” I rubbed my chest. I felt empty. Lost. As in really lost. Like I might never know which direction to go in.

I clutched my pillow that someone had thrown in the cab and buried my face in it.

How was I going to live without him?

SHE DROVE AWAY,
and I let her.

In a grief-induced haze, I went in the house to shower and get the gym sweat off me. In between classes and studying, I’d been working out with Declan, and it gave me focus. At nights, I’d been crashing in a recliner at the Tau house, trying to get a hold on myself. There’d been no parties. No girls. All I wanted was her.

I stood in the shower with my back against the wall to hold me up.

I felt like I was dying.

After my shower, I put on jeans, a Tau shirt, and Converse. Nothing too nice since tonight was the bonfire at Myer’s Farm about five miles outside the city. The farm was owned by one of our alumni; it was an annual party with a bonfire, tug-of-war by moonlight, and lots of beer. Thank God.

I hadn’t planned on going.

But no way was I missing it to sit here and cry like a baby.

An hour later, I drove down the gravel road that led to the clearing out in the middle of a huge field. The biggest weeping willow trees I’d ever seen lined it on one side near a stream, and pine and oak trees dotted the rest of the perimeter.

I sighed. This would be good. I needed people tonight. Friends.

Axel, Alexandria, and Bettina were standing near the kegs, and I made my way over to them. I grabbed a glass and filled it up.

Here’s to many more,
I told myself.

Someone cranked up the music and the dancing started, reminding me of Remi at the Masquerade.

I got another beer. And another.

As it grew late, we lit up lanterns around the part of the party where the fire didn’t illuminate. Sitting in pop-up chairs in a circle of people, we played drinking games. Alexandria planted herself next to me, her hands resting on my thighs, her fingers inching closer to my inner thigh the braver she got.

I didn’t fight her off. I didn’t encourage her either.

I was empty, nothing without Remi.

Remi.

She was all that played through my head.

Fucking hell. I stood up.
I had to get out of here.
People weren’t helping. Alcohol wasn’t. I needed
her.
She was it. Everything. My life.

I clutched my head. God, I was going to find her tonight and tell her, no,
beg
her to come back—

Bright lights swung into the clearing as another car parked in the designated area near the tree line. There had to be about a hundred people here, and before the night was through there’d be more.