Fighting Me (17 page)

T
wo weeks have flown by
. Every night I spend on the phone with Henry. The promotional tour has gone great, except Ireland is behaving like a reckless child. Henry, Jared, and Mike are spending nearly all their time handling her because she is constantly showing her ass.

Literally!

“She’s one big mess,” Henry says, scowling into the phone screen. “As if I needed anything else to handle. For fuck’s sake if I wanted to handle a kid, I’d have stayed home with Brannon and Jasmine. I swear there are reasons why I’m forty and not a father, Rae,” he snaps. “If she were my daughter, I’d lock her up.” He blows out a breath, and then another. “Okay, so we’re pulling out and will be home tonight. How are you? Everything okay there?”

“No, actually. Daisy has the baby and Jazz. I’ve been in my bed all morning, my stomach is rolling.”

“How’s your blood sugar been?” he asks, concern etching his face as he studies me. “You look awfully pale.”

“Fine for the most part. I think I’ve caught the stomach bug Jasmine last week,” I tell him. The joy of public school is your kid brings home all kinds of goodies; art projects, invitations to birthday parties, oh, and every sickness known to man. Fun, fun.

“I hate this,” he sighs. “I know my place is here with the guys, but I need to be there with you. It’s so hard being away from you when all I want to do is hold you in my arms.”

“Then come home, I’ll be waiting.” My stomach rolls again, a cold sweat breaking out across my skin. “I… I gotta go.”

Hanging up the phone, I leap from the bed, making it to the toilet just as I throw up my breakfast. Pushing myself up on shaky legs, I turn on the sink and splash water over my face before brushing my teeth.

After checking my blood sugar, it’s time to take my insulin. Whatever this bug is has my levels soaring today. Digging through my clothes, I change into a white maxi dress and my stomach begins to settle. Padding up the hallway, I decide to check on the kids and Daisy and eat something. “Hey, how you feelin’?” Mack asks, when I walk into the kitchen and find him helping Daisy and the kids with baking a cake. Adjusting Brannon on his hip, he hands Daisy a pack of bacon while Jazzie eats leftover frosting from the bowl.

“Better,” I say, happy that I seem to be getting my bearings back. “Just need to eat and keep something down now and I’ll be fine. I’m just lucky it didn’t last as long as Jasmine’s did,” I reply. That bug cost the kids two days of school and something that bad could wreak havoc on my ketone levels. Poor Mack and I were ran ragged trying to keep the little diva hydrated and comfortable while Daisy kept Brannon separate so he didn’t get sick. I’ve spent days with Lysol and bleach attached to my side like loaded six gun shooters at a high noon showdown.

Taking a diet soda from the fridge, I grab a tub of cheddar cheese cubes and the container of grapes. Sliding them on the bar, I hop up on the stool beside Jazzie and start munching. Turning to the counter, Daisy grabs a knife from the cutting block and slices into the bacon before lining strips up in the skillet. “What are you frying bacon for?” I ask before shoveling in a handful of grapes.

Her hands stop in midair, a slice of bacon dangling just above the pan in front of me. “Making Hunter maple bacon cupcakes.”

“Oh my God,” I say clamping a hand over my mouth, my stomach lurches, revolting violently at the smells around me. The frosting, cheese, bacon frying, it’s all too much. Leaping from the stool, I empty my stomach into the trash can, gasping for breath as I do.

“Damn,” Mack says, wrapping his arms around me when I wobble into the wall. “Last time I saw someone heave like that was when Daisy was knocked up with the little guy.”

His words slam into me like a freight train. My vision swims. One minute, I’m trying to remember my birth control shot dates and trying to remember the last time I had a period, then everything goes dark.

***

Ever feel like your world has been knocked off its axis? Like in the matter of a few minutes, nothing will ever be the same? Yep, that’s how I feel as I pace the bathroom at my doctor’s office right now.

After I came to and admitted that it could very well be a possibility, I called my doctor and he told me to go ahead and come in as soon as possible and they would fit me in. Once I was able to eat and hold it down, I managed to talk Mack into letting me take a cab while he stayed back with the kids and Daisy. Reluctantly, he let me go alone. Now I stare at the cup of pee on the sink as I pace in front of it.

I have always wanted kids, but after losing Joshua, the idea was off the table. I never thought I’d find someone I cared enough about to even entertain the idea. In these last few months though, I can’t deny how much I’ve grown to care about Henry. I love him. I know that, without a doubt. He loves Brannon and Jasmine and would be an amazing father, I know that too.

I also can’t stop repeating the words he said this morning in my head, over and over.

“There are reasons why I’m forty and not a father, Rae.”

“As if I needed anything else to handle. For fuck’s sake, if I wanted to handle a kid, I’d have stayed home with Brannon and Jasmine.”

Taking a deep breath, I shove the cup into the little door in the wall before washing my hands and heading back down to my exam room to wait. It’s like torture. They shove you into a temperature controlled stale white room, with no noise, and nothing to occupy you but your thoughts for nearly an hour and then they walk in like you should be happy to see them when they plan on sticking you with needles and poking you in private places with things that look like the twisted shit in the alien movies.

“Hello, Rae,” Dr. Masters says, stepping into the room. The man looks like a mini version of Mr. Clean with a pot belly. It’s hilarious. “Looks like we have some interesting news.” Looking through my chart, he sits on the rolling stool and meets my eyes. “It’s a baby.”

Sitting on the exam table, I grip the side with my fingers, squeezing until my knuckles turn white. “You’re sure?” I ask, feeling pretty damn stupid as soon as the words come out of my mouth.

He chuckles. “Pretty sure,” closing my chart, he sets it on the table beside him and stands to his feet. “Your diabetes classifies you as high-risk. You’ll need extra and more frequent tests and visits with me as well as seeing a high risk OBGYN. On top of a support system because you’re going to need a lot of help, especially the further along you get. We need to get all of that squared away as soon as possible since it looks like you’re about eight weeks or so. Congratulations.”

Congratulations.

The word echoes in my head the entire time I am checked and have lab work done. According to everything I am in fact nine weeks, putting me due next summer. I get a bag full of pregnancy swag. It’s like the award shows where the celebrities get all kinds of free shit, except I get hemorrhoid cream samples, breastfeeding pads, and prenatal vitamins.

It’s a great time.

After setting up appointments with the nursing staff, I climb into a cab just as my phone screen lights up with Henry’s name. “Hey,” I say into the phone, “You almost home? We need to talk about something.”

“We’re runnin’ late,” he says flatly. “Fuckin’ Ireland decided to flash some truckers when we stopped to eat and just happened to do it in front of some Tennessee State Troopers.”

“She really is acting out, huh?” I ask.

“Where to?” the cab driver asks.

“What was that?” Henry asks, changing the subject. “Where are you?”

“I had a doctor’s appointment. I told Mack I’d take a cab so that he could stay with Daisy and the kids.”

“Not your call, Firecracker. Especially, not with you feeling bad,” Henry scolds. “No one leaves without someone on their back. Thought you learned that lesson.”

Rattling off the address to the house, I blow out a breath. “Henry, you’re not here. This was a call that I made. It was what was best, I’m fine.”

“I can’t be handlin’ Ireland and all this shit on top of worryin’ myself into a stroke about you too,” he says, his tone pissing me off way too much. “We’ll talk about this when I get there.”

“No, we won’t.”

Snapping the phone shut, I power it off and shove it in to my bag. I tap on the glass window separating me from the driver. “There’s been a change of plans. I need you to take me to Lazy Creek Cemetery.” The driver nods, and changes lanes to head out of town. Settling back in the seat, I close my eyes and place a hand over my still flat mid-section. A million thoughts go through my head on the drive. I begin the task of making a list of decisions that have to be made, one being to tell Henry that he is going to be a father.

I can’t even begin to imagine how the conversation will go. Not only is my pregnancy simply high-risk because of my diabetes, but there are a ton of complications to worry about even in a totally normal pregnancy on top of those. In just a few months, I will be responsible for a little human being, it feels so surreal. The thought of holding a piece of Henry and myself in my arms has me on the verge of tears.

I didn’t expect to fall in love, but Henry grabbed ahold of me from the first time I saw him and I haven’t been the same since. I never thought I could feel this way about someone after Josh. And to be honest, this feels so much different. It’s intense, so fucking extreme, and yet, even though it feels right, I can’t shake the fear that he will see nothing but obligation, not only when he looks at me, but at the baby. I can’t live my life being one of the things he has to handle. I also can’t go on without him letting me in. I’ve been patient and gave him his space, but if there is any chance of a future for us, we can’t keep ignoring the fact that he has to be able to trust me. I’m afraid if he doesn’t I’ll lose him to the darkness that he hides behind those shades forever.

I can’t let that happen.

Climbing from the car, I ask the driver to leave the meter running and start walking up the hill. Passing stone after stone, I finally stop when I see his name. Walking forward, I kneel at his stone, my fingers reaching out to trace the words “Beloved Son” and “Joshua Scott Dillard”.

“Hi, baby,” I whisper, trying to find the words to say. “You know I thought the day I lost you that my heart would never beat again. I swore they buried it with you in that fucking ugly blue casket that I saw in the newspaper. I met someone and I’ve fallen in love. I’m having a baby, Joshua, can you believe it? I’m going to be a mommy.” Shaking my head in disbelief, I smile. “After you died, I never thought that would happen. I never wanted any of that without you.” My eyes fill with tears, slipping down my cheeks. “You’ll never know how sorry I am for what I’ve done, but…”

“Not so sorry that you’ve continued to live your life while my son rots in the ground because he was stupid enough to fall in love with you. The man you’ve managed to end up with now has no idea what he’s in for with you. He needs to be warned about what he’s going to lose.”

The words send chills down my spine. “Hello, Vivica,” I say not bothering to turn around. The woman doesn’t deserve my attention or my respect.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” she snaps.

“Josh was my husband,” I fire back. “Stripping me of my married name doesn’t change that.”

“Joshua was your victim, Rae. A piece of paper and two rings honestly doesn’t change the facts,” she hisses. “I can’t say that I’m surprised that you’ve went and found someone else, but adding a baby to your destruction? Rae, that is truly selfish. Wasn’t killing my son enough?”

My fingers dig into the grass, pulling blades from the ground as I push to my feet. Looking down at the cement stone, I blow out a breath. “You know, Vivica, I used to pray for God to change his mind. That he’d come take me instead. I’ve dreamed so many times that it was just some horrible mistake, a nightmare that I wake up from and he’d be there smiling at me,” I say, turning to face the horrible woman who has done nothing but destroy me since the accident. “You know what I’ll pray for now?” Taking a step towards her, I watch as her eyes widen, the woman has done nothing but feed off of my pain for years. She’s a succubus. Call it being fed up and overwhelmed, or maybe it’s that I am finally strong enough to fight back when she attacks me. “That I’ll never be anything like you. You’re a horrible woman who instead of grieving the loss of a great man, you’re feeding off the pain and guilt of the one you hold responsible. Yes, I was driving the car, but it was an accident. I can’t take it back,” I scream, flinging my hand out at his grave. “But, I deal with losing him every fucking day of my life! I don’t need you telling me that I fucked up, because I already know that. I’m also not going to spend one more day of my life unhappy, just because of my past. Josh wouldn’t want it that way. If you knew anything about your beloved son, you’d know that.”

“Why, you little bitch.” Her hand connects with my face so hard it makes my teeth rattle. “How dare you speak to me that way!”

“That’s the only free swing at me you’ll ever get.” Taking a shaky breath, I wipe the tears from my eyes and square my shoulders. Balling up my fist, I punch her. Vivica crumples to the ground, cupping her face in her hands as she screams dramatically about pressing charges and having me locked up. Turning around on my heel, I kiss my fingers and press them to the stone. “I’ll always love you, Josh.”

Without another word, I walk down to the cab and tell him to drive. Sagging into the seat, I close my eyes and let my tears fall.

I
’m fucking livid
. The rest of the drive all I can think about is the fact that Rae left the house alone. Even worse, the fact that Mack let her make that choice without so much as a fight. Everyone is laughing and happy to get home as I pull through the gates that lead up to the house. Me, I prepare for there to be a huge fight.

Daisy, Mack, and the kids come running out with Bits hot on their heels as we pull up and I put the bus in park. It’s a mad scramble. Hugs, kisses, tears, and mad barking and licking. “Where’s Rae?” I ask when I don’t see her anywhere.

“Not back yet,” Mack says, walking over to me.

Gritting my teeth, I glare at him. How in the fuck is she not back yet? I heard her in the damn cab. Now, not only am I mad as hell, but I’m even more worried about her. “Funny how rule one is no one goes anywhere alone, and that’s exactly what happened, isn’t it?” Grabbing my cell, I hit send, trying to call her again. Same as before, it goes straight to voicemail. “Her phone is off,” I grind out, jabbing him in the chest. “If anything happened to her, Dominick, you’re a dead man.”

“Henry, you really should wait until she gets back,” Daisy says, attempting to come between us. “There’s a lot that you don’t know.”

My phone buzzes in my pocket, stopping me from punching Mack for being so careless. “You’ve got Henry,”

“Gonna need to get over here, Hunk.”

I recognize Iva’s voice immediately, except Rae’s feisty grandmother doesn’t sound playful. She sounds pissed. “She with you?” I ask, yanking the keys out of my pocket and hitting the garage door opener.

“Sure is,” she replies. “Upset somethin’ awful too.”

Frantically, I grab the keys for the sedan and climb into the car. Everyone else is forgotten. I have to get to her. “I’m on my way.” Ending the call, I toss the phone in the seat beside me, thankful as hell I gave Iva my number that day while playing cards.

The entire drive into the city, I try to figure out what in the fuck happened today. Knowing she was sick this morning comes back to my mind, only making me worry more. She had said she was fine, could she have been downplaying it for my sake? If it were something that serious, why would Mack have let her go alone? Hell, why in the fuck did they not tell me what is going on? Clearly they know.

Parking the car, I run into the building and make my way up to the apartment. The door is already opened when I step out of the elevator. Iva stands there waiting on me. “‘Bout time.” Moving back to let me inside, she gestures through the living room. “Down the hallway, second door on the left.”

“What’s going on?” I ask, hoping she can give me some insight on what I’m walking into.

Sitting back on her walker, Iva rests her elbows on the handles. “I don’t know what happened, and for your sake, Hunk, I hope it wasn’t your doing. I’m old. My back and legs hurt, so I can’t kick your ass, but I’ll shoot it if you hold still enough,” she chuckles. “Don’t like my sunshine hurtin’, not one damn bit. She loves you, and I knew the day you walked in here and played cards with an old, grouchy ass woman, that you were fallin’ for her too. Only two people in this world put up with me; those who love me, and those who love Rae.” Nodding her head, she grins. “You look at her like my David looked at me.”

“Thanks for callin’ me,” I say patting her shoulder as I head toward Rae’s room.

Knocking on the door, I crack it open and see her lying across the bed facing the headboard. “Hey,” I say, letting myself in and closing the door behind me. “I expected a more exciting homecoming than this, even if I knew it’d involve you in bed,” I say, hoping that a joke will ease the tension that is thick around us.

It doesn’t.

“Hey,” she says, her voice barely above a whisper.

Walking over, I sit on the bed and brush the hair off her face. Her eyes are red and swollen from crying and it breaks my fucking heart. Brushing my hand over her cheek, I see the dark red handprint from where someone hit her. What the fuck? “What happened, baby?” I ask, attempting to pull her into my arms, wanting to hold her.

“I went to the cemetery,” she says, telling me about running into Joshua’s mother.

My blood fucking boils at the audacity of that bitch for what she said and for hitting her. Rae pulls away from me, standing to pace the floor in front of the bed. “I’m proud you stood up for yourself, baby. You shouldn’t have went alone, you weren’t safe.”

Stopping, she stares at me, her lip trembles. “I’m pregnant,” she blurts. “I’m pregnant and I know you said there are reasons you are forty years old and not a father, I know that you don’t want any more to handle, Henry. I’ve thought this all through and I’m prepared to do this alone. Being diabetic means I’m a high-risk pregnancy out the gate, but I can handle it. I won’t be an obligation to you and neither will the baby, you need to know that.” Taking a step closer to me, she grabs my hand. “You also need to know that I love you, that I’m in love with you, but I can’t see a future with you when you won’t let me in. I need that trust I’ve given you back in return. I know that I said I would be patient and give you the time to tell me on your terms, but this—” she runs a hand over her flat stomach, “—changed things. I can’t pretend anymore when there is a baby to think about too, no matter how much it hurts to think about walking away from you.”

Fuck.

“Rae, baby, listen, it’s not shit you want to hear. Fuck, it’s shit I don’t want to talk about because all it does is take away from now. The things I have done, that I live with every day, aren’t who I am now. It’s not who I want to be for you.”

“Don’t you realize I’m here for you?” she asks, throwing her hands up. “That means the good and the bad, Henry. I’m right here, ready to battle your demons with you, but you won’t give me all of you. I can’t love only pieces of you. Don’t section yourself off. Not to me, please? It’s all or nothing.”

Pushing to my feet, I walk to the window and stare down at the street below, letting everything she just said sink in. I’m going to be a father? There’s a piece of me growing inside of Rae right now and it blows my fucking mind. The words “walking away” hit me square in the face, nearly knocking the wind out of me. My past is crashing into my chance at a future, ruining everything. All the things I want to shield her from are the things that are pushing her away. I can’t lose her. I won’t let her go. Not now, not ever. She’s right.

“Her name was Jenn,” I whisper, getting a handle on my emotions. “Her father, Anthony, was a hitman and enforcer for one of the most prominent crime families on the East Coast. I was his muscle.” Turning around, I face her as she sits on the edge of the bed. “I was in the middle of a war between families, a war that I was responsible for starting because I marked the wrong man after a deal went bad, then lied about it to save my ass. While Anthony was trying to defuse the situation I caused, he had me protecting Jenn around the clock.”

“You fell in love with her.”

I nod. “I was just a stupid fuckin’ kid. I also let my guard down and nearly got her killed. They were after me. Not her,” I say, wincing at the memory of diving onto Jenn to save her from the drive by that nearly killed us both. “After that, I went to Anthony and came clean. It left me with one option and one option only. The only way I could save her, and everyone else, was to lie and say that I didn’t love her and to leave. That’s what I did.”

“You sacrificed your happiness for her to be safe,” Rae says, letting me know that she is right there with me.

“I did,” I sigh, remembering the look of pain on Jenn’s face when I drove away. “I couldn’t just sit by and selfishly take her love when I was the reason she was in danger in the first place. I fucked up and that’s on me. I couldn’t sit by and let her pay for my mistakes, or anyone else.” Scrubbing a hand over my face, I blow out a breath. “Heard she married about five years later. I’m sure they have a few rugrats, a couple dogs, and a house in the Hamptons. For her sake, I hope she’s happy. I know I did damage and I live with that guilt every day. Every day since, I’ve been punishing myself.”

“Do you regret leaving her?” she asks.

“It hurt knowing that it was the only way. That I had to hurt her. I also know the life she’s livin’ wouldn’t be the life she would’ve had with me. Even though we loved each other, I had to be realistic. My leaving was a part of Anthony making amends with the families for what I had done. Hell, I’m lucky they didn’t ask for my fuckin’ head in a box,” I say, knowing that was definitely what some people wanted. Lucky for me, Anthony knew how to get his way with people. “I also wouldn’t have found you, Rae.”

Walking over, I kneel at her feet. “You’re really pregnant?” I ask, in disbelief, looking down at her stomach.

“Yes, but the baby and I won’t be…”

“Our baby,” I whisper, stopping her from repeating herself again. Pressing my lips to her fabric covered midsection, I give her more of my truth. “I love you too.”

“What?” she asks, reaching down to cup my face.

“What I thought I felt for Katheryn, or even what I had with Jenn, is nothing like what I want with you.” Meeting her eyes, I take her hand and brush my lips over her wrist, feeling her heart beat against my lips. “I love you, Rae. You’re not my obligation, you’re my reward. You’ve made me see things differently. You took off the blinders and made me realize that I can’t continue to live this way.”

“What does that mean?”

“What it means, is that I want to be with you. To take care of you while you carry our child, then for us to raise it together. I’ll share my life with you. All of it, the good, bad, and the ugly parts are all yours, if you’ll have me. I’ll tell you all about Jenn and all the shit in my head, if you really want me to. I just don’t want to bring all of that crashing into what I want to have with you.”

“Don’t you know that there is nothing you could tell me that would make me think less of you?” she asks, studying me.

“I hope you’re right.” Taking her hand, I press it to my chest. “You see through everything I put up to keep people out, and got in here.”

“I know I’m right,” she breathes. “I never thought I’d love again, Henry. I know it won’t be easy, but I don’t want to walk away from something that feels this real.”

“Good,” I reply, taking a deep breath for the first time since I found out she was out alone.

“Then kiss me already.” Rae leans in and brushes her lips over mine, her tears making her lips soft. Pulling her to me, I stand to my feet, and lift her into my arms. Pulling back, I settle onto her feet and grab the bag and her purse from the bed. “Let’s go, woman.”

“Where are we going?” she asks, staring up at me.

Brushing my thumb over her now bruising cheekbone, I lean down and kiss the corner of her mouth. “Home.”

Walking out, we say goodbye to Iva, who is in the middle of serving pie to a man in the kitchen. “Everything worked itself out, I see.” Iva says, with a proud grin.

“It did,” Rae replies, “I’m pregnant.”

“You are?” Iva asks, setting down the pie dish on the table. Rae nods. “Good deal!” her grin widens into a smile. “Proud of you, Sunshine, so damn proud. I want you and Hunk here to come have supper with me tomorrow night and we’ll talk about this baby business. Just be sure to bring supper, if you want to eat it, that is. Now, get the hell out, don’t you see I’m entertainin’ Bob, here?”

Walking down to the car, I can’t help stare at Rae. The woman is one hundred and forty pounds soaking wet and yet she has brought me to my knees. She defies all that I have ever believed. She’s strong, vibrant, beautifully broken in ways that push back the demons I have been fighting within me. When they haunt me, I have her to hold on to because she sees through all the bullshit barriers I put up and gets to the depths of all that I have been struggling all these years to overcome. They aren’t gone, and I don’t think they ever will leave forever, but I will no longer be facing my demons alone. Every battle will be fought alongside the woman who willingly walked into my darkness to defeat every monster in her way to get to my heart.

Looking up at me when I open the car door for her, she smiles. “So about that tattoo?” she asks, trailing her finger over my hip.

Grinning I shake my head. “Sometimes, it’s better to lose a bet, than to lose your man card at a strip club full of hot ladies by wearin’ a bright pink ass-floss pasty.” I chuckle, remembering how Hunter only made more money than me that night because he wasn’t afraid to let it all hang out. Me, on the other hand, I wasn’t cramming the beast into a banana hammock just to fill the cabinets of the bus with snacks and booze. I appreciate my cock too much to cut off his circulation.

Rae throws her head back and laughs and it’s so good to have her in my arms and hear that sound. I take on a lot, and am responsible for the safety of my family. I’m also going to be a father and that is something I’ll have to adjust to. There will be someone on this earth that carries my blood in their veins and that blows my fucking mind.

In a little over a week, we will be back out on tour and I will be away from Rae again, dealing with whatever crazy bullshit Ireland decides to pull. Of course, my past will still haunt me. It’s unrealistic not to accept that, but knowing that she understands and is willing to stand by my side, has me smiling. Sure, I haven’t begun to tell her everything. Some things I feel like I’ll never be able to say aloud, because that means acknowledging them. Although, I feel that I am turning a corner. That, someday, I may be able to let go of some of the guilt that has ripped at me for years. The hurt that I caused others, the lives I destroyed, all the secrets I never shared with anyone are all beginning to come out in the open. I never thought I would share any of those things, and yet, I find that I want to give her those pieces of me because I have hope that she can heal them. I have to admit my shoulders are lighter, the smoke is clearing, and though I know it won’t always be this easy, right now, there’s nothing fighting me.

The End…for now.