Fighter (Outsider Series) (29 page)

“You can’t promise that,” I whispered.

“Maybe not,” he shrugged, “but I’ll do everything I can to make it happen.”

“I know you will,” I sighed.

“I’m sorry you had to watch Logan die,” he whispered.

I bit my lip and tried to hold back my sobs but it was futile. I held onto Caeden and let the tears fall.

“He was protecting me, Caeden! The mutant was going to kill me and Logan…” My throat closed up and I was unable to speak for a moment. “He saved me.”

“I know, baby.”

“And now he’s gone…”

He pulled me even closer against him so that we were touching completely.

“Maria’s dead,” he whispered after a few moments of me sniffling. His words brought on another round of hysterics. Two members of our pack were dead. As Alpha, they were my responsibility and now they were dead, gone. Their deaths would be worth it if…

“What about the mutants? Travis?”
I asked.

Caeden’s jaw tensed.

I had my answer.

“Oh, God.” My whole body tensed. “How does this keep
happening
?”

Caeden chuckled humorlessly. “Last time, was entirely my fault, since I was stupid and didn’t make sure the son of a bitch was dead. This time… he
knew
we were coming. I could see it in his eyes.”

“How would he have known that?”
I close to hysterics.

Caeden’s jaw clenched again and his blue eyes met mine. “These past few days
, I’ve had a lot of time to think and the only thing I’ve come up with is a leak.”

“A leak? You mean someone from our pack is feeding him information? Who would
do
that?” Our packs faces flashed before my eyes and there were none of them that seemed like the type to be a traitor.

“I hate keeping secrets from you, Sophie. I shouldn’t have been quiet when I thought Travis might be making mutants,” he pinched the bridge of his nose. “But what I’m about to suggest. You can’t breathe a word of it to anyone. Not your mom, not your dad, and definitely not Lucinda. Do you understand? I mean,
no one
.”

“I won’t tell.”

“I think it’s the elders,” he whispered so quietly that I almost believed that I hadn’t heard him right.

“What!?” I screeched, pulling out of his arms. “No way! Gram wouldn’t be a part of something like that.”

“I don’t think she is. You’ve never met the other council members. They’re not… the nicest people around.”

“But why would they want Travis to kill u
s? That doesn’t make any sense,” I cried.

“No, not the pack. Me,” Caeden said.

“What?” I snapped, in complete disbelief.

“They don’t approve of me being Alpha. They think I’m too young. If I’m dead, I have no one to carry on my line of Alpha. Even if we had a child, they’d be too young
to take over, so your dad would take my place.”

“What do we do?”
my breath hitched.

“We wait, and bid
e our time. I can’t just march up to the council and start spewing accusations. I need to have proof,” Caeden said. There was a steely look in his eyes.

“Are we ever going to catch a break?”
a sob escaped my throat.

“Honestly? It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen any time soon.”

Depression.

It was the one word that could easily sum up my state of mind.

Ever since I woke up
, and learned that we’d lost two members of our pack
and
Travis had gotten away, I couldn’t get out of the bed.

I couldn’t eat.

I couldn’t sleep.

Caeden was worried about me, I could see it in his eyes, but he kept his mouth shut. I knew he wouldn’t keep quiet for long though.

But how could I flounce around the house, all smiles, when Logan was dead, because of me.

The sound of his neck snapping kept echoing through my mind and I couldn’t get the image of his lifeless green eyes to leave me.

I wished there was some kind of magical pill I could swallow that would take my memories of the last few days away. I didn’t want to remember any of it. I wanted it to just
go away
. I wanted to pretend it didn’t exist.

But there was no pill.

Nothing could undo the events of the last few days.

I would have to live with it for the rest of my life.

twenty-eight.

Death wasn’t something I wanted to have to deal with.

Two funerals in two days, was
definitely
not something I wanted to deal with.

I felt responsible for both deaths, but especially
for Logan’s.

If he hadn’t saved me, I’d be the one laying in a casket
, right now, while my family and husband mourned over me. He’d sacrificed his future so that I’d have mine.

It didn’t seem fair that our lives could be snuffed out so easily.

We’re only given one chance at life, so why can’t it last?

Why for some, does it have to end so soon? So tragically?

Shouldn’t there be some predetermined time we’re all allotted? Why should some have to die so young, so tragically, while others live full lives? Shouldn’t we all get to live to be old?

“What are you thinking so deeply about?” Caeden came up behind me and placed his hand on the small of my back.

I tilted my head and studied the church. “Life… death…”

He turned me, so that I had to face him. He smoothed my wrinkled brow with his finger. “There’s no point in dwelling on things that are out of your control.”

“I know… but I can’t help it,” I bit my lip and looked behind me at the church where members of our pack were gathered.

“You’re going to worry yourself sick,
Sophie. You need to stop this,” Caeden said.

“I’ll try,” I whispered.

He took my hand. “We better get in there. We don’t want to be late.”

I let him lead me up the stone steps and inside the old church. It smelled musty and stale. Christian and her parents, Emily and Grant, were gathered in the front seats. Bentley was by Chris’ side and held her as
she sobbed.

My eyes zeroed in on the body lying in the casket. If I didn’t know
any different, I’d think he was sleeping. He looked peaceful. I really hoped he was happy, wherever he was.

Caeden and I took our seats and waited for the speeches to begin.

Shifter funerals were much like human ones, except Caeden said that after the pack left, the bodies were cremated and given to the family where they would hold their own, personal ceremony.

Caeden took my hand in his and lightly squeezed it in reassurance. I think he was afraid, that if he didn’t anchor me, I’d get up and run away. In all honesty, it was probably a possibility.

Looking at Emily, Grant, and poor Chris, was tearing my heart to shreds. My stomach rolled. I really hoped that I didn’t throw up.

“Breathe baby,” Caeden whispered in my ear. “I don’t want you passing out.”

The air whooshed out of my lungs. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“You can and you will.” His grip on me tightened.

I took a few deep breaths. “I can do this.”

He smiled and kissed my cheek in reassurance. “I know this is has been tough on you
, but you have to be here. He’s our friend… was our friend,” he amended.

Grant and Emily stood and faced all of us.

“We would like it if everyone close to Logan would say a few words. We don’t want this to be-” Grant stopped and cleared his throat. “A ‘traditional funeral’. Logan wouldn’t have wanted that. Emily, Chris, and I will speak first and anyone that would like to say a few words after that are welcome to.” He waited while everyone murmured in agreement.

With his hand on the small of his wife’s back, he began to speak. “Logan was my pride and joy from the moment he was born. I don’t think I ever told him enough; just how proud I was of him. He grew to be an amazing person with the kindest heart, even if he didn’t always show it. I loved him with all my heart and
he died a hero.” He choked back on a sob. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, pulling a wad of tissues from his pockets and dabbing his eyes.

Emily gripped her husband’s hand and whispered something in his ear. Turning back to us, she smiled sadly. “We all love our children, with all of our hearts, and never expect to see them die. A parent is
never
supposed to outlive their child. Living every day without my son seems impossible but if we don’t go on, his death will have been in vain. I will not dwell on his death and life without him. Instead, I will embrace my memories of him and hold them close to my heart; because as long as I remember him, he can never truly be gone.” She burst into tears and her sobs echoed around the church. My heart went out to the woman and I wanted to hug her; but I was probably the last person on earth she wanted a hug from.

Chris stood up to speak next.

“Well…” she swayed back and forth, rubbing her red and puffy eyes. “You all know that Logan was my annoying older brother. He drove me nuts ninety-nine percent of the time and never let me forget that I was supposed to be a boy.” Taking a moment to compose herself, she continued. “You know,” tears welled in her eyes, “now that he’s gone, the things I miss the most are the things I found most annoying about him when he was alive. Oh gosh, it doesn’t seem like he should be gone. Just the other day, he was making fun of my room and telling me it looked like something a five year old would have. Now, he’s gone and he’s not coming back. It tears me up inside to know that my brother is gone. It feels like there’s this empty hole in my heart without him. How can you keep living with a hole in your heart?”

Her last words echoed around us as she collapsed in Bentley’s lap. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead.

“If anyone else would care to say anything, please do,” Grant said.

Caeden squeezed my hand once more
, before standing and heading to the front.

“I’ve known Logan my whole life. He’s been a constant. He was always so quiet but there was always something in his eyes, this fierce protectiveness. I may not have been super close to Logan, but I loved and cherished him like a brother. I wish I would’ve told him how much he meant to me
, but you know how us guys are,” he chuckled humorlessly. “We don’t like to talk about our feelings. But right now, all I want to say to Logan is, thank you. Thank you, for saving my wife. Your sacrifice saved her. You were so completely selfless. Thank you, Logan, from the bottom of my heart.”

Oh dear, I was bawling now. Caeden sat and pulled me into his arms. I sobbed into his white dress shirt, no doubt getting my mascara all over it.

I knew I needed to get up and say something, but I had to compose myself, first.

He rubbed my back and finally my sobs quieted to sniffles.

A few other people had said some things, while I was bawling my eyes out, but I hadn’t heard a word of it.

Caeden handed me some tissues and I wiped the dark smudges from under my eyes.

“Did I get it all?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he took the soiled tissues from me.

Taking a deep breath, I stood and smoother my skirt before making my way to the front.

When I stood in front of everyone, the urge to run the other way nearly overwhelmed me.

“Uhmm,” I shuffled my feet. “You all already know that Logan saved my life. I watched him… I watched him die and I will never, ever,” I shook my head, “be able to get that image out of my head. As much as I want to curl in a ball and never open up again, I can’t do that. Logan risked his life so that I would have mine. I can’t just shut down like I want to, because then his sacrifice would have been meaningless. Not too long ago, we both went through similar things and became close because of that, and I can honestly say, if the situation had been reversed, I would’ve risked my life in a heartbeat. I’m so sorry that he’s not here with us, but just like Grant said, Logan died a hero. One day, Chris will be telling her kids about Uncle Logan, how he was a hero, and I can assure you, I’ll tell my kids the same thing.”

I took my seat beside Caeden and dissolved into tears again. Would they ever run out?

An hour or so later, everyone that wanted to say something had, and it was time to leave.

Emily and Grant came over to us. Grant patted Caeden on his back and said, “That was a wonderful speech from both of you. Thank you.”

“No thanks needed,” Caeden replied.

Gathering up my courage I reached out and hugged Emily. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered in her ear.

Pulling away, she held me at arms’ length and looked me in the eye. “Don’t be sorry. This wasn’t your fault.”

My lower lip trembled.

“Don’t be sorry,” she repeated with a sad smiled before they both moved on to other people.