Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (14 page)

9. Fear of Success
. Because of your lack of confidence, success may seem even more risky than failure because you are certain it is based on chance. Therefore, you are convinced
you couldn’t keep it up, and you feel your accomplishments will falsely raise the expectations of others. Then when the awful truth that you are basically “a loser” ultimately comes out, the disappointment, rejection, and pain will be all the more bitter. Since you feel sure you will eventually fall off the cliff, it seems safer not to go mountain climbing at all.

You may also fear success because you anticipate that people will make even greater demands on you. Because you are convinced you
must
and
can’t
meet their expectations, success would put you into a dangerous and impossible situation. Therefore, you try to maintain control by avoiding any commitment or involvement.

10. Fear of Disapproval or Criticism
. You imagine that if you try something new, any mistake or flub will be met with strong disapproval and criticism because the people you care about won’t accept you if you are human and imperfect. The risk of rejection seems so dangerous that to protect yourself you adopt as low a profile as possible. If you don’t make any effort, you can’t goof up!

11. Coercion and Resentment
. A deadly enemy of motivation is a sense of coercion. You feel under intense pressure to perform—generated from within and without. This happens when you try to motivate yourself with moralistic “shoulds” and “oughts.” You tell yourself, “I
should
do this” and “I
have
to do that.” Then you feel obliged, burdened, tense, resentful, and guilty. You feel like a delinquent child under the discipline of a tyrannical probation officer. Every task becomes colored with such unpleasantness that you can’t stand to face it. Then as you procrastinate, you condemn yourself as a lazy, no-good bum. This further drains your energies.

12. Low Frustration Tolerance
. You assume that you should be able to solve your problems and reach your goals
rapidly and easily, so you go into a frenzied state of panic and rage when life presents you with obstacles. Rather than persist patiently over a period of time, you may retaliate against the “unfairness” of it all when things get tough, so you give up completely. I also call this the “entitlement syndrome” because you feel and act as if you were entitled to success, love, approval, perfect health, happiness, etc.

Your frustration results from your habit of comparing reality with an ideal in your head. When the two don’t match, you condemn reality. It doesn’t occur to you that it might be infinitely easier simply to change your expectations than to bend and twist reality.

This frustration is frequently generated by should statements. While jogging, you might complain, “For all the miles I’ve gone, I should be in better shape by now.” Indeed? Why should you? You may have the illusion that such punishing, demanding statements will help you by driving you on to try harder and to put out more effort. It rarely works this way. The frustration just adds to your sense of futility and increases your urge to give up and do nothing.

13. Guilt and Self-blame
. If you are frozen in the conviction you are bad or have let others down, you will naturally feel unmotivated to pursue your daily life. I recently treated a lonely elderly woman who spent her days in bed in spite of the fact that she felt better when she shopped, cooked, and socialized with her friends. Why? This sweet woman was holding herself responsible for her daughter’s divorce five years earlier. She explained, “When I visited them, I should have sat down and talked things over with my son-in-law. I should have asked him how things were going. Maybe I could have helped. I wanted to and yet I didn’t take the opportunity. Now I feel I failed them.” After we reviewed the illogic in her thinking, she felt better immediately and became active again. Because she was human and not God, she could not have been expected to predict the future or to know precisely how to intervene.

By now you may be thinking, “So what? I know that my do-nothingism is in a way illogical and self-defeating. I can see myself in several of the mental sets you’ve described. But I feel like I’m trying to wade through a pool of molasses. I just can’t get myself going. You may say all this oppression just results from my attitudes, but it feels like a ton of bricks. So what can I do about it?”

Do you know why virtually
any
meaningful activity has a decent chance of brightening your mood? If you do nothing, you will become preoccupied with the flood of negative, destructive thoughts. If you do something, you will be temporarily distracted from that internal dialogue of self-denigration. What is even more important, the sense of mastery you will experience will disprove many of the distorted thoughts that slowed you down in the first place.

As you review the following self-activation techniques, choose a couple that appeal most to you and work at them for a week or two. Remember you don’t have to master them all! One man’s salvation can be another’s curse. Use the methods that seem the most tailored to your particular brand of procrastination.

The Daily Activity Schedule
. The Daily Activity Schedule (see Figure 5–2, page 95) is simple but effective, and can help you get organized in your fight against lethargy and apathy. The schedule consists of two parts. In the Prospective column, write out an hour-by-hour plan for what you would like to accomplish each day. Even though you may actually carry out only a portion of your plan, the simple act of creating a method of action every day can be immensely helpful. Your plans need not be elaborate. Just put one or two words in each time slot to indicate what you’d like to do, such as “dress,” “eat lunch,” “prepare résumé,” etc. It should not require more than five minutes to do this.

At the end of the day, fill out the Retrospective column. Record in each time slot what you actually did during the day. This may be the same as or different from what you actually planned; nevertheless, even if it was just staring at the wall, write it down. In addition, label each activity with the letter M for mastery or the letter P for pleasure. Mastery activities are those which represent some accomplishment, such as brushing your teeth, cooking dinner, driving to work, etc. Pleasure might include reading a book, eating, going to a movie, etc. After you have written M or P for each activity, estimate the actual amount of pleasure, or the degree of difficulty in the task by using a zero to five rating. For example, you could give yourself a score of M-l for particularly easy tasks like getting dressed, while M-4 or M-5 would indicate you did something more difficult and challenging, such as not eating too much or applying for a job. You can rate the pleasure activities in a similar manner. If any activity was pleasurable in the past when you were not depressed, but today it was nearly or totally devoid of pleasure, put a P-½ or a P-0. Some activities, such as cooking dinner, can be labeled M and P.

Figure 5–2.
Daily Activity Schedule.

*Mastery and pleasure activities must be rated from 0 to 5: the higher the number, the greater the sense of satisfaction.

Why is this simple activity schedule likely to be helpful? First, it will undercut your tendency to obsess endlessly about the value of various activities and to debate counter-productively about whether or not to do something. Accomplishing even a part of your scheduled activities will in all probability give you some satisfaction and will combat your depression.

As you plan your day, develop a balanced program that provides for enjoyable leisure activities as well as work. If you are feeling blue, you may want to put a special emphasis on fun, even if you doubt you can enjoy things as much as usual. You may be depleted from having asked too much of yourself, causing an imbalance in your “give-and-get” system. If so, take a few days of “vacation” and schedule only those things you
want
to do.

If you adhere to the schedule, you will find your motivation increasing. As you start doing things, you will begin to disprove your belief that you are incapable of functioning effectively. As one procrastinator reported, “By scheduling my day and comparing the results, I have become aware of
how I spend my time. This has helped me take charge of my life once again. I realize that I can be in control if I want to.”

Keep this Daily Activity Schedule for at least a week. As you review the activities in which you participated during the previous week, you will see that some have given you a greater sense of mastery and pleasure, as indicated by higher scores. As you continue planning each upcoming day, use this information to schedule more of those activities, and avoid others which are associated with lower satisfaction levels.

The Daily Activity Schedule can be especially helpful for a common syndrome I call the “weekend/holiday blues.” This is a pattern of depression most often reflected in people who are single and have their greatest emotional difficulties when alone. If you fit this description, you probably assume these periods are bound to be unbearable, so you do very little to care for yourself creatively. You stare at the walls and mope, or lie in bed all day Saturday and Sunday; or, for good times, you watch a boring TV show and eat a meager dinner of a peanut-butter sandwich and a cup of instant coffee. No wonder your weekends are tough! Not only are you depressed and alone but you treat yourself in a way that can only inflict pain. Would you treat someone else in such a sadistic manner?

These weekend blues can be overcome by using the Daily Activity Schedule. On Friday night, schedule some plans for Saturday on an hourly basis. You may resist this, saying, “What’s the point? I’m all alone.” The fact that you are all alone is the very reason for using the schedule. Why assume you’re bound to be miserable? This prediction can function only as a self-fulfilling prophecy! Put it to the test by adopting a productive approach. Your plans need not be elaborate in order to be helpful. You can schedule going to the hairdresser, shopping, visiting an art museum, reading a book, or walking through the park. You will discover that laying out and adhering to a simple plan for the day can go a long way toward lifting your mood. And who knows—if
you are willing to care for yourself, you may suddenly notice that others will act more interested in you as well!

At the end of the day before you go to bed, write down what you actually did each hour and rate each activity for Mastery and Pleasure. Then make out a new schedule for the following day. This simple procedure may be the first step toward a sense of self-respect and genuine self-reliance.

The Antiprocrastination Sheet
. In Figure 5–3 is a form I have found effective in breaking the habit of procrastination. You may be avoiding a particular activity because you predict it will be too difficult and unrewarding. Using the Antiprocrastination Sheet, you can train yourself to test these negative predictions. Each day write down in the appropriate column one or more tasks you have been putting off. If the task requires substantial time and effort, it is best to break it down into a series of small steps so that each one can be completed in fifteen minutes or less. Now write down in the next column how difficult you predict each step of the task will be, using a 0-to-100 percent scale. If you imagine the task will be easy, you can write down a low estimate such as 10 to 20 percent; for harder tasks, use 80 to 90 percent. In the next column, write down your prediction of how satisfying and rewarding it will be to complete each phase of the task, again using the percentage system. Once you’ve recorded these predictions, go ahead and complete the first step of the task. After you’ve completed each step, take note of how difficult it actually turned out to be, as well as the amount of pleasure you gained from doing it. Record this information in the last two columns, again using the percentage system.

Figure 5–3 shows how a college professor used this form to overcome several months of putting off writing a letter applying for a teaching position opening up at another university. As you can see, he anticipated that writing the letter would be difficult and unrewarding. After he recorded his pessimistic predictions, he became curious to outline the letter and prepare a rough draft to see if it would be as tedious and unrewarding as he thought. He found to his great surprise that it turned out to be easy and satisfying, and he felt sufficiently motivated that he went on to complete the letter. He recorded this data in the last two columns. The information gained from this experiment so greatly astonished him that he used the Antiprocrastination Sheet in many other areas in his life. Consequently, his productivity and self-confidence underwent a dramatic increase, and his depression disappeared.