Fearless (13 page)

“How much does a horse cost?” asked Molly.

“Thousands of dollars,” said Whitney.

“Really? That much? I guess I can't talk my parents into that,” Molly said with a sigh. The four of us were walking along the shady road on our way to the stables, and everyone was in a great mood, as always.

Except for me.

It was the first time we'd been back to the stables since Maddy had taken that fall, and the last thing I wanted to do today was get on a horse.

“Do you live out in the country with lots of land?” asked Amber. She pulled her long dark hair back and wrapped an elastic around it.

“No, just the suburbs,” Molly said. She was kicking a rock with the toe of her boot as we walked down the
dirt road. Her mouth twisted into a slight frown. “Someday, maybe. When I'm grown up and I have a job, the first thing I'll buy is a horse.”

“The first thing you should buy is some land to put the horse on,” said Whitney in a bossy voice.

“You okay, Jordan?” asked Amber.

“Yeah, fine.” I nodded, but I didn't feel fine.

I was beginning to think that I was having what people call a panic attack. I honestly felt like I was going to crack, like an eggshell, and then crumble into a million pieces.

The closer we got to the stables, the worse I felt. I tried to put it out of my mind, but I kept seeing that horrible vision.

Maddy's face covered in blood.

She's fine, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine.

Once she'd gotten all the blood washed off her face, she looked perfectly normal. And except for a couple of bumps and bruises, she really wasn't hurt at all.

So why wouldn't my brain believe that? Why did it keep showing me that picture of her bloody face in my head?

Talk about a movie moment. I was definitely having one right now, but it was a scene from a horror movie.

Stop it. I'm not going to think about that! Kittens. A
field of daisies. Fluffy white clouds.

I tried to get a different picture stuck in my brain, but I knew that for the rest of my life, I'd remember the way Madison looked when she turned around that day with all that blood pouring out of her nose.

“Boarding a horse? You mean like the horse doesn't live with you?” Molly was saying.

“Yes, maybe you live in town, but there might be someone who lives out in the country. So you pay that person to let you keep your horse in their barn.”

“Wow, I didn't know you could do that! Maybe I could talk my parents into that!”

By now we had made it to the stables. But I felt like all the bones in my body had turned to limp spaghetti noodles. That's how wobbly I felt.

All of a sudden, a thought popped into my head.
Whatever you do, do not get on a horse today.

Maybe this was a sign, a warning of some kind.

Molly had told me that a lot of people had had psychic warnings about the
Titanic.
There was one woman who had a really bad feeling as soon as she was on board. She refused to go to sleep at night because she had this feeling that whatever bad thing was going to happen would come during the night. As soon as she felt the ship bump against the iceberg that night, she knew it
was the horrible thing she'd been dreading. She and her daughter managed to escape on a lifeboat, but her husband went down with the ship.

I stopped in my tracks and sank down into a squat, right there in front of the stables.

“Jordan! Are you okay?” Amber gasped. She rushed over to me and bent down in front of me. “What's wrong?”

I couldn't tell her that I'd just hit an iceberg.

“I . . . I feel a little dizzy,” I said. Now Molly and Whitney were standing over me too.

“Are you going to faint again?” asked Whitney. “Maybe you should lie down. I'll run back into camp and get the nurse.”

She was just about to take off when I stopped her. “Whitney, come back. I'm not going to faint.” I sat down in the grass under one of the shady oak trees and rested my head on my bent knees.

It was slightly embarrassing to have everybody think I was about to faint again. I didn't feel like that, but I did feel majorly freaked out over the thought of getting on a horse right now.

My heart sort of felt like it was fluttering around like a butterfly. My breathing was really fast, almost like
I was panting. I tried to force myself to take slow, deep breaths.

Wayward was standing in the open doorway of the stable when she looked out and saw us. “Hey, what's up? Everything all right over there?” she called to us.

“Jordan's going to faint!” yelled Whitney.

“I am not!” I shouted. “I just feel a little weird.”

All three of my friends stood around in a circle, hovering over me. Wayward came walking over. “Not feeling so good?”

“Just a little dizzy,” I said. “Don't worry about me. You all go ahead and start the lesson. I'm just going to sit here for a few minutes until I feel better.”

“Are you sure you're okay?” Wayward asked. “You need anything? Some water? Anything?”

“No, I'm okay,” I assured them. “I'll be fine. You just go ahead.”

They looked at me for a few long seconds before they slowly walked away. “Let us know if you need anything,” Wayward said again.

“I will,” I said, and now my voice sounded almost cheerful.

The one good thing about fainting was that now
people were afraid I'd do it again. They didn't want to
push me. I could tell they were all a little worried that if I stood up, I'd keel right over.

I waited until they had all disappeared into the stable, and then I stood up. I started walking slowly down the road. Once I was far enough away and no one could see me, I walked even faster. I walked back up the long road toward camp all by myself. I couldn't believe how much better I suddenly felt.

Back on Middler Line, all the cabins were deserted, since morning activities had started. I went inside our empty cabin and took off my riding boots, changed out of my riding pants into a pair of shorts, and then stretched out on my bottom bunk.

I took
Our Town
off the shelf by my bed and spent the rest of the activity period reading it. It was great. The cabin all to myself, no riding lesson, no one to pressure me, nothing that I had to do. It felt like getting an unexpected day off from school.

Why was I so glad to get out of the riding lesson?

Because they were a lot of work. I was always really tired after they were over. And lots of times during the lesson, I'd be so worried about keeping my heels down and my back straight and gripping with my legs but not squeezing and all the other dozens of things I had to remember that I hardly ever just had fun.

Riding could be fun at times, and I did like the horses and all that, but lately, I was beginning to wonder. Molly, Whitney, and Amber talked about horses 24/7, but sometimes I didn't even pay attention to what they were saying.

I mean, I was getting used to Odie, and I liked him, but it wasn't going to break my heart to say good-bye to him when camp was over. I just didn't have the bond with him that everyone else seemed to have with their horses. Why was that?

Maybe I just wasn't that into it.

Reb, Jennifer, and Kelly came back to the cabin to change into swimsuits and then left again. The next time the screen door opened, Molly walked in. Her short brown hair was all sweaty and stuck against her forehead from wearing a riding helmet.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Her boots made a loud clomping sound as she walked across the wooden floor.

“Better,” I said, sitting up on my bunk.

Molly sat down on top of her trunk to pull off her boots.

“You didn't really feel like you were going to faint, did you?” she asked, giving me a really direct look.

I shrugged. “Not really. But I
was
feeling weird. Not like I was going to faint. Just . . . all jittery inside.”

Molly pulled off her socks and dropped them on the floor beside her bare feet. “Jordan, I know what's going on. You're letting yourself get freaked out over what happened to Madison the other day. Don't you know what people say? If you fall off a horse, you have to get right back on it.”

“But
I
didn't fall off a horse. And Madison
did
get right back on it.”

Molly squinted at me suspiciously. “So you mean you'll go to the next lesson and you'll be fine? You won't act like you're about to faint or make up some excuse?”

I clutched
Our Town
and sat up on the edge of my cot. “There's something I want to tell you.”

Suddenly I wanted to let Molly in on my secret. I felt like I had to tell her right this second.

She pushed her sweaty bangs out of her eyes. “You look really serious. What is it?”

“It's a secret. A major, major secret,” I said, still gripping my book in one hand. “Promise me you won't tell anyone.”

“Wow. Okay. I promise I won't tell anyone.” She came over and sat down next to me on my bottom bunk. “Now I'm dying to hear this.”

I flipped nervously through
Our Town
for the blue
paper. When I found it, I took it out and handed it to her.

She had a curious look on her face as she unfolded it, and I watched as her eyes scanned the page. She glanced up at me with a blank expression.

I took a deep breath and said the words I'd been thinking in my head for more than a month now.

“I'm thinking about trying out for this play.”

Molly's eyes bulged like a cartoon character's. “Seriously?” was all she could say.

I nodded. “Seriously. You know how much I love doing skits and stuff. And everyone said they wanted me to think of something for our cabin to do for the talent show. All of that's good practice, right?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” She sounded surprised. “I didn't realize you were that into acting, though.”

“Molly, this is all I think about. I want to audition for this play. I think this is something I really want to do.”

“So that's why you're reading that weird book!”

“It's not a weird book. And yes, that's why I'm reading it.” Then I told Molly the story about how Daddy, Madison, and I had gone to see
Oliver!
and how exciting it had been to watch all the actors in the youth theater perform onstage.

“I sat there and watched them, and all I could think
about was how cool it all was. Did you even know there were theaters like this where the whole cast is made up of kids? It's kind of like a school play, because anyone who wants to can try out. I couldn't believe it when I saw these announcements lying on a table. I took one and folded it up and stuck it inside my purse.”

I jumped up from my bunk. I was pacing up and down the floor, walking and talking really fast.

“Then I went home and looked at their website. I found out all kinds of stuff there. First you audition, and then if you make it, they have rehearsals for a few weeks. After that, they do the shows on the weekends for a whole month! And once that show is over, you can try out again for the next one! I just love this idea!”

“It sounds really cool,” Molly said, watching me walk back and forth.

“But Molly, I'm so terrified! I want to do it, but I don't want to do it. Does that make any sense?”

“Yeah, it does. It's exactly the way you feel about learning to jump. You want to do it, but at the same time, it scares you.”

I went over and sat down beside her on my bed. “What would you say if I told you I'd changed my mind?”

Molly stared up at the ceiling. “You're really unpre
dictable. Ten seconds ago you said you wanted to try out for this play. Now you've already changed your mind?”

I took a deep breath and prepared for the hurricane that I knew was about to hit. “I don't mean the play. I mean I've changed my mind about learning to jump. I don't want to do it anymore. And don't bother trying to talk me into it.”

I might as well have told Molly that I was staying on the
Titanic
and there was no way she'd ever get me in a lifeboat.

“Jordan! You have to jump! You have to! We're so close! It's not even going to be that hard!”

“I know. It probably won't be that hard, but I don't want to do it now.”

“But you told everyone you were going to do it! Your parents, Eda, Madison, Wayward. Everyone's expecting you to do it. I thought you wanted to show everyone that you could do this.” Molly grabbed the pillow from my bed and punched it with her fist.

“Well, I did. But now I can show everyone by auditioning for this play instead.” I pulled my pillow away
from her because she was about to pound the stuffing out of it.

“Nobody thinks I'd be brave enough to do something like try out for a play and be up onstage. It just doesn't seem like something I would do. But I really want to try it. And I can show everyone that I'm not a wimp if I do this.”