Fear of Falling (30 page)

“No!” Dom answered without looking up, still shaking Kami’s lifeless body. “But you could have, asshole. Don’t ever touch her again. Do you hear me?”

CJ grimaced as if physically pained, then let his head drop. He really was mortified, but I couldn’t comfort my cousin. I couldn’t do more than worry about the woman lying still before me. The woman that I was losing before I could even possess her.

In a gut-wrenching gasp for oxygen, Kami awoke, her delicate hands grasping the air like she was fighting for her life.

“I’m here, Kam. I’m here,” Dom said soothingly, tentatively pulling her into his chest. She continued to fight until she realized who he was. Then, she broke into a heart-stopping sob, clutching his back like she would die if he let go. Dom squeezed tighter and began to rock her, tucking her head under his chin to shield her from onlookers. Angel covered her with more towels before embracing her from behind, wrapping her arms around both Kami and Dom. And I just sat there. Stunned. Silent. And stumped. Had I missed something?

Kami continued to wail, her body shaking so badly that the tremors vibrated the beach chair.

“Shhhh, it’s ok, Kam. You’re safe. It’s over. You’re safe now. I’ve got you,” Dom chanted over and over in her ear.

The trio sat there for long moments, as I observed like some sick spectator. I wasn’t wanted here. I wasn’t what she needed. But I couldn’t turn away from her.

“Come on, let’s get her to the car,” Angel muttered, once Kami’s cries had decreased to painful whimpers. The two pulled away but kept Kami’s face and body obscured by towels.

“Kam?” I said reaching out to grasp her trembling hand. Dom smacked it away before I could make contact.
What the fuck?
I jumped to my feet, fists tight at my sides. “What the fuck is your problem, man?”

Dom stood, taking the same offensive stance. “My problem is you and your cousin fucking around with someone you don’t even know. You have no idea what you’ve done. No fucking clue what damaged you’ve caused with your little joke. Well, consider playtime over. You’re not playing with her anymore.”

“Who the fuck said I was playing with her?” I snapped through clenched teeth. “And who are you to tell me what
I’m
going to do with her?”

Angel stepped between us, lightly pushing against both our chests. “Guys, cut it out. This isn’t the time.”

“You’re done with her,” Dom replied, moving Angel aside. “Do you hear me? Done. Leave her alone.”

“Fuck that! I’m not done until she says we are.” I looked to Kami again. Her head was down, yet angled towards us. I advanced towards her again before Dom blocked my way with his arm. I shoved him back, bringing up my fists in preparation. Dom did the same.

“Stop!” Kami’s small, shaky voice called out below us, drawing both our attention. I kneeled before her, my anger towards Dom temporarily forgotten.

“Baby, are you ok?” I asked, grasping her hands gently.

Her slightly blue lips trembled as her bloodshot eyes searched my face. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but sighed in resignation as she looked away.

“For now,” she whispered.

No. Hell no. I wasn’t going to let her lie to me. Not this time. I needed to make this better for her. For both of us.

“Kami, talk to me,” I urged. “Let me know what I need to do.”

She shook her head and brought her gaze back to me, her eyes rimmed with fresh tears. And with pain etched in every inch of her beautiful face, her body quaking uncontrollably, she cracked a sad smile. “There’s nothing you can do. Just let me go.”

“No,” I all but growled. “You don’t mean that. Talk to me.”

“Blaine, she said…”

I gave Dom a murderous scowl before he could even get the words out. This was between Kami and I, and I’d be damned if I let her friends scare me away.

Her quivering hand gave mine a small squeeze, and I turned back to her, my expression softening at the sight of her solemn face. “I wish I could.”

“Then do it. You trust me, right?”

Kami’s big green eyes fell to our clasped hands, and she nodded faintly. “Just…give me time. I’ll call you, ok?”

I didn’t argue. Kami was giving me a chance, even if it was a half-hearted one, and I’d be a fool not to take it.

Slowly, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to her forehead. I knew it very well could have been the last time I ever felt her skin against mine, and that thought ripped me to shreds. But, I would do as she asked; I would give her time. I would have done just about anything for her at that moment.

As I watched Angel and Dom usher her away, all the little pieces of my reformed life, the parts that had finally fallen into place, were left scattered in disarray.

Kami said she couldn’t be saved, but I still needed to save her. She said she was broken, and I desperately wanted to fix her. She claimed she was unlovable, but…shit…

I needed to love her.

I once was a believer in wishful thinking. I thought if I told myself that I was ok enough times that I could actually start to believe it. That somehow, I would eventually morph into the perfect picture of normalcy. That I could be somewhat happy.

I was wrong.

I wasn’t ok.

Not even a little bit.

This…sickness. This affliction… it ensured that I’d never be normal. That I’d never find contentment. That I would live out my days alone and unloved. And I honestly thought I was fine with that realization. I was resigned. No one deserved to have to deal with my shit. I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy. Especially since my worst enemy was me.

I lay curled up in a ball on my bed, humiliated and mortified beyond belief, staring at the glass jar of tiny paper stars.

253.

I know I should have added one. I know I should have brought that number to an even 254, but I wasn’t afraid. It wasn’t fear that consumed me. It was rage.

Why couldn’t I have just fought through it? Why did I have to freak the fuck out like I always did? Why couldn’t I be normal for one damn day?

Angry tears leaked from my tired eyes, trailing saltwater over my nose and onto the comforter. I brushed them away furiously. I was so sick and tired of crying. Of feeling sorry for myself.

Fuck me. That’s right—fuck
me!
Fuck my stupid, hurt feelings. Fuck my inability to get over my past. Fuck my fear and all the things it crippled me from doing. Fuck it all!

I punched the pillow in frustration, wishing I could be brave enough to take my anger out on the person who deserved it. It was all
his
fault. All
his
doing. If he hadn’t been such a disgusting, sadistic piece of shit, I wouldn’t be like this. I could lead a normal life. I could find happiness. I could find love.

That was a lie. I had found happiness. Hell, maybe I had even found love. I just couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t let myself believe it. I couldn’t feel it. Bad things happened when I let myself feel. There was ugliness in love, at least for me there was. It wasn’t the same for regular people as it was for me, Dom and Angel. We were exempt from the romantic type of affection that movies and books boasted about. Life had ruined us for that type of ardor. Now we could only love each other. It was better that way. There was no pain or deceit in it. There were no expectations or regrets. It was safe. It was selfless. It was all we had.

No, that wasn’t true either.

“Kam? You awake?” Angel whispered from my doorway. I ground my teeth. I wished I could close and lock that damn door.

“No.”

As if my answer was an invitation, Angel entered and climbed onto my bed, spooning me from behind.

“You ok, love?”

“No.”

“But you will be, sweetie. You will be,” she replied, squeezing me tight. I wanted to pull away from her embrace, but I knew it was more for her comfort than mine. I had scared her today. Dom had witnessed more of my meltdowns than he could count, but Angel was still new to them. Sure, she’d learned the hard way when it came to enclosed spaces and darkness, but she had never experienced my reaction to water. We had warned her about it so she was somewhat prepared. She and Dom had made it their mission to make sure I was comfortable all day, but I couldn’t do that to them. I couldn’t allow them to babysit me in the hot sun while everyone else enjoyed themselves in the water. Why should they have to suffer for my idiosyncrasies?

Maybe Dr. Cole was right about my fears. Maybe they were irrational.

I hated that know-it-all bitch.

“Don’t blame yourself,” Angel said suddenly, disrupting my diabolical plan to key the good doctor’s car. Or egg her office. Or just suck it up and admit that she was right all along.

“I’m not.”
I was.

She held me for a few more silent minutes before the elephant in the room plopped its big, ugly ass on my avoidance.

“Blaine call you yet?”

A lump attacked my throat, taunting the sob I had been swallowing for the last six hours. “I don’t know. I don’t know where my phone is.” I knew where it was. It was with my Kindle and the rest of my things, abandoned at the lake in my haste to escape. But even if I did have it, I doubted he’d call. Who would call after witnessing a scene like that? Who the hell would want to deal with a total basket-case?

“I think you may have left it,” Angel remarked, reading my thoughts. “I’ll go call one of the girls to see if they grabbed it.” She slid off the bed and made her way to the door, turning to shoot me a sympathetic smile before disappearing down the hall. In that moment, I wanted to slap her. I was so tired of people looking at me like that.

Some time during my wallowing, I had drifted off to sleep, only to be awoken by noises outside my cracked door. Shuffling. Voices. Male.

Blaine.

I heard my bedroom door open wider but decided to feign sleep, too chickenshit to face him.

“Naw, man, she’s still asleep,” Dom whispered.

“Ok. I’ll just leave her stuff,” Blaine replied in an equally hushed tone. I heard him pad across the room and set down my things on the dresser as quietly as he could. Then his footprints grew louder as he made his way towards me. I tried not to flutter my eyelids and kept my breathing heavy and deep. Oh shit, I must look horrible. After showering, I had thrown on a pair of old cotton shorts and an oversized t-shirt, not even bothering to brush out my ratty hair. Great. I was just a hot mess all around.

His scent hit me first, causing my mouth to reflexively salivate. It had grown familiar to me. Comfortable. Safe. It made me feel…home. Something I had never had before. Something I had always craved.

When he drew close enough to me that I could feel his warm breath, I thought I might break. I still wanted him. Dammit, this wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to feel like this. Not this strong.

Warm, soft lips accompanied with a bit of stubble brushed across my forehead ever so lightly. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from melting into the touch. I wanted to pull him down onto the bed with me and nuzzle into his arms. I wanted him to squeeze me tight and tell me he’d never leave me, no matter what. That no matter how fucked up I was, he wouldn’t abandon me. Then I wanted him to make sweet love to me for hours and hours until I was too exhausted to do more than smile…

No. I didn’t want that. What was I thinking?

As I was losing my internal argument, Blaine retreated from the intimacy of my bedroom, closing the door behind him.

No! I can’t…breathe…God…no

Before panic seized every muscle and joint, the door quickly clicked back open. I breathed an audible sigh of relief, clutching my chest to ease the jolt of my heart rate.

“Hey man,” Dom began on the other side of my bedroom door. “Sorry about earlier. I panicked. Emotions were high, and I jumped to conclusions. We good?”

A pregnant pause before what sounded like a hand clap. “Yeah man. We’re good.”

“Thanks for bringing her stuff back. Appreciate it.”

“No problem,” Blaine answered. “I would have come sooner, but I wanted to give her space since she said she’d call…”

“Yeah, um. I wanted to talk to you about that.”