Fear of Falling (25 page)

“Kami! Kami, baby, wake up! Kami!”

A muffled voice pierced the darkness, beckoning, pulling me out of the hell inside my head. I focused every ounce of coherency on his strained voice. I inhaled his familiar scent, and let the feel of his warm skin against mine be a physical reminder.

“Kami! Can you hear me? Oh my God, you’re shaking. Baby, please wake up!”

I concentrated on Blaine’s pleading words and tried to make sense of them. While darkness tried to pull me back under, his voice, his presence, fought to bring me back to him. He kept shaking me, kept calling my name. I wanted to fight too. I wanted –
needed—
to find my way back to Blaine.

“The lights,” I rasped through an aching throat. “The lights! Turn on the lights! Please!”

Realizing what my hoarse voice was urging him to do, he bounded off the bed and sprinted to the wall. He clicked on the light switch and surveyed the cowering mess in front of him.

The secret was out. The ruse of my life was revealed. If Blaine didn’t know how deeply fucked up I was before, he knew now. And that fact broke my abused heart in two.

He rejoined me on the bed, hesitant to touch me, as I rocked myself back and forth, my knees drawn up to my chin. I had to hold myself together. I had to keep it all in. If he knew the ugliness inside me—if I let it spill out like the rising bile in my throat—he would never look at me the same way. He wouldn’t want anything to do with me, and that was something I couldn’t accept. Not right now when I needed him so badly.

“Blaine?” I whispered, afraid to look at him. Wet strands of sweat-soaked hair stuck to my forehead, creating a screen.

“Yes, baby,” he said soothingly, moving closer to me. He reached a tentative hand towards me, but let it drop before making contact. An internal struggle played on his features, as he tried to understand what had just happened.

I took a deep, shaky breath, before smoothing the hair out of my face, revealing my tear-streaked face. “Hold me? Please?”

His strong arms were around me before I could even finish my request, desperately trying to crush the fear that would undoubtedly take him away from me.

I couldn’t even comprehend what had just happened. One moment we were sleeping, her body curled into mine, and the next she was trembling, sobbing in her sleep.

I heard her whimper, begging someone to let her out. Then she was shaking like a leaf, pleading, crying for that person to stop touching her. I didn’t know why. I couldn’t even decipher her jumbled stream of anguished sobs. But I knew one thing for certain—someone had hurt Kami. And I would fucking die before I ever let her be hurt again.

I held her tight, stroking her hair as she cried hot tears into my chest. I wanted to kiss away each one of those tears. I wanted to tell her that she was safe, that she was ok. That she was loved. But my own trepidation kept me bound, crippling my voice.

When she couldn’t squeeze out another tear from her bloodshot eyes, she pulled away from me and covered her face. Was she angry with me? Did I do something to trigger whatever memory haunted her dreams?

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered hoarsely. “I’m so sorry, Blaine. I need to go.”

I grasped her wrist before she could scoot off the bed. “No, Kami. You’re not going anywhere.” She jumped, and I realized my voice was gruffer than I’d intended. I didn’t want to scare her. Not when she was already so obviously terrified.

“I want you to stay, baby.” Gently, I pulled her back to me though she refused to look at me. With a finger, I turned her face towards mine. Red-rimmed, green eyes full of shame and regret looked back at me, causing an ache to radiate in my chest.

“I… I…shouldn’t,” she stammered. “I ruined your evening. I didn’t mean-,”

My lips cut off her next words, refusing to let her place any of the blame on herself. I’d be damned if she felt bad for what happened. Not when I felt so fucking helpless because I couldn’t take away her pain.

“No,” I whispered against her lips. “You’ll stay. And you’ll let me hold you. And kiss you. And if you feel like telling me what’s wrong, you’ll let me make it better. But no more about leaving. Ok?”

She nodded weakly, but it was enough. Kami was agreeing to stay with me, and I wasn’t about to question it. I kissed her gently once more, the saltiness of her tears mingling with her sweet taste, before tearing myself from the bed.

“I’m going to make you some tea. Don’t move, ok?”

I damn near broke my neck racing to the kitchen. I didn’t want to leave her side, but she needed to be soothed. Tea seemed like the right thing to give her.

Despite her agony, I wanted her badly. So badly that my cock was aching against the fabric of my pajama pants. And if I didn’t leave her right then to get some clarity, I would be liable to take advantage of her frailty and bury myself inside her. Until her tears of sorrow turned to tears of sheer ecstasy. I felt like the dirtiest motherfucker alive, but I couldn’t help what she did to my body. My mind was a bit more tactful, but my dick was a first-rate asshole.

“Here, drink this,” I said, handing her the steaming mug after I had returned, erection under wraps.

“Thank you,” she replied with a tense smile. She took a sip and closed her eyes, letting the hot liquid wash away the residual terror.

“So… are you ok?” It was a dumbass question, but I didn’t know what else to say.

Kami took another sip before exhaling. She nodded. “For now.” She tried to give me a reassuring smile, but I wasn’t buying it.

“For now? What exactly does that mean?”

“It means that I may never be fully ok, but I’ll survive. I’ll be ok…for now.”

“Is there anything I can do to help? I need to know how to make this better for you, Kami. Just tell me what to do.” I didn’t even realize that my hand was in my hair, pulling in frustration. Trying to get her to open up was like trying to steal a steak from a pit bull. That shit just wasn’t happening.

“No, Blaine. There’s nothing you can do.”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to scare her away, but I could see that she was miserable. I didn’t want her shouldering that misery alone. “Try me, Kami. You said you trusted me. Do you really think there’s anything you could tell me that would push me away from you? Because I’m telling you straight up right now—I’m not going anywhere.”

She met my penetrating stare, those green eyes filling with tears before she batted them away and turned her head. I felt like a fucking asshole.

“I’m…I’m fucked up, Blaine,” she whispered. If I hadn’t been hanging onto her every sigh and whimper, I would have missed it. “Like really fucked up. And if you knew what was good for you, you’d leave me alone.”

“I don’t believe that,” I replied, shaking my head. My hands cupped her face, turning it back towards me. I needed to look her in the eyes. I needed her to see just how serious I was. “I’m not going anywhere. I mean that.”

She pulled away from my touch and shook her head. “I’m telling you, I have problems. And you don’t need the headache. I’m not like your other girls, Blaine. I can’t be saved.”

What the fuck?

“My other girls? What the hell does that mean?”

A hard scowl marred her soft features as if she was conjuring an unpleasant memory. “CJ. He said you like damaged girls. He said you needed to feel like you could rescue them.” She looked down at the cooling mug of tea in her slightly shaking hands. “Because of your mom.”

I was on my feet and pacing, fists clenched at my sides, before good sense could stop me. “CJ needs to mind his own fucking business!”

Kami flinched, and I instantly regretted my outburst. I willed myself to calm down, shaking away the fresh wave of tension. “I’m sorry,” I muttered pathetically. “But he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I don’t have any other girls, Kami.”

She nodded, though I could tell she was unconvinced. Shit.

“But you have, and that’s why I’m here, isn’t it? You do feel the need to fix girls like me, don’t you?” Anger and disgust replaced the fear that had occupied her face. “You can’t fix me, Blaine. So don’t even try.”

“Dammit!” I nearly flew to her side, snatching the mug out of her hands and setting it on the nightstand. “That’s not why you’re here, Kami. Not at all. Do I want to take your pain away? Yes. Do I want to make it so you never have to wake up crying like that again? Hell yes. But do I want you here just to satisfy some sick wounded-bird complex? Fuck no!” I grasped her face between my hands, forcing her to look at me. “I want you, Kami. I care about you, and that’s the only reason why I want you here with me. Ok? Fuck what CJ said. I just want
you
. And if you need me to demonstrate just how much that is, I’d be happy to… Again.”

Her face flamed red, as memories of the early morning hours came barging into the tense moment. She was remembering my lips on her, tasting, sucking, teasing. My tongue plunging into her, devouring her sweetness like it was my last meal. The feel of my barbell flicking her sensitive clit, causing her to cry out my name.

Kami was ready for me, and holy fuck, I was ready for her. But I wanted to make her feel good. I wanted her to know that I wanted nothing from her aside from her taste on my tongue. And my God, she tasted good. So good that I was ready to dive in for another round just to hear her scream my name again.

Or maybe that was just what my sick, twisted mind wanted to believe. It was hard to tell, being that all the blood in my body was centralized elsewhere.

“Do you trust me?” I asked, touching my forehead to hers.

“Yes,” she nodded.

“Then stop trying to leave. Just stay, Kami. If you don’t want to sleep, we don’t have to. I can just hold you. Or we can talk. Whatever you want to do.”

“I don’t want to talk anymore,” she replied with a shake of her head. “Let’s just…lay here. Let’s just be.”

I crooked a smile and eased her head down on the pillow, positioning myself on my side to lie beside her. We stared at each other for long seconds that turned into minutes, neither one of us knowing the right words to say. I wanted her to know how I felt, but I didn’t want to scare her. I also wanted to know how she felt about me, but I was too chicken-shit to ask.

“Blaine?” she whispered, breaking the ice. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” And she could. She could ask me absolutely anything.

“Your mom… What CJ said… What did he mean?”

Anything but that.

I rolled onto my back with a huff and scrubbed a hand over my face. Shit. I didn’t want to go there. Not with her or anyone else.

“If you can’t talk about it, I understand,” she muttered, sensing my discomfort. She was giving me an out, and, dammit, I wanted to take it. But I had promised her honesty. And if I had any chance at cracking the mystery behind those green eyes, I had to prove myself.

“My mom died when I was 13. I was sent to live with my uncle and his family right afterward,” I answered, my voice devoid of all emotion. Over the past twelve years, I had the said the same lines over and over again until they didn’t hurt anymore.

“And?”

She knew there was more. I just didn’t know if I could give her more than that. Not when it came to my mother.

I shook my head. “And that’s all. People die. We move on. We learn to deal.”

“But you haven’t,” she interjected, placing her small hand on my bare chest to cushion the blow. “You haven’t learned to deal. You’re still hurting.”

I placed my own hand on top of hers and gripped it, holding on to any semblance of peace. “We all hurt, Kami. It’s a part of life.”

“Can you tell me about it?” she asked, her small voice filling me with foreign emotion. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but everything about her felt sincere and humble. Like she actually cared about me and wanted to share my pain. Like maybe she felt for me what I couldn’t help feeling for her.

I took a moment to collect my thoughts, sifting through the memories in the forbidden Rolodex of my mind. I didn’t revisit my past if I could help it. It wasn’t a place anyone wanted to stay for long.

“My mom killed herself,” I finally said. There was no way around it. The best way was to tear off the band-aid as quickly as possible. “It was always just the two of us when I was growing up. She was always so happy, so free-spirited. So it came as a shock when I found her dead on the bathroom floor. She had overdosed.”