Fear of Falling (19 page)

This was bullshit.

Complete bullshit.

I was an ass for letting Kami walk away from me. I should have stopped her. I shouldn’t have let her go. But I couldn’t make her stay, no matter how bad she needed to. I couldn’t make her believe that I was different from all the other guys that had turned away from her. But I could show her. I could give her what they hadn’t.

I just didn’t know what that was.

I hadn’t been able to sleep since she jumped out of my truck Monday night. I couldn’t shake the image of those sad, green eyes from my head. I hadn’t stopped thinking about the feel of her petite body in my arms, her full lips moving against mine. The way she tasted, the way she mewled and squirmed on my lap when I flicked her nipples.

Shit.

I needed that again. I needed
her
again. But more. So. Much. More.

I was the asshole that let her get away. I should’ve demanded she hear me out. I should have made her look me in the eye and tell me how she felt in return. Because though her mouth was telling me one thing, her body, her eyes, her lips…they told me an entirely different story.

Kami wanted me. And it wasn’t just some superficial physical attraction. She felt how good we were together. She knew that whatever she was afraid of, whatever kept her running from me, could never win out over my feelings for her. Because, dammit, I fucking had feelings for her. And it was complete bullshit that I didn’t tell her, in fear that it would scare her even more.

It was Wednesday, the first day I would see Kami after our date. Maybe she spent her day off thinking about me. Maybe she was just as tormented by her feelings as I was. And maybe, just maybe, she’d run right back to me, finally ready to let me in.

If only I could be so lucky.

I was talking to CJ when she walked in for her shift. Well, more like listening to sordid stories of his latest conquest: a 38-year-old divorcee with three kids, a sex drive that wouldn’t quit and a thing for bondage.

“So this crazy-ass broad handcuffs me to the bed and leaves! Fucking leaves me butt-ass naked while she goes to pick up her fucking kids from school or some shit like that. And it wasn’t until one of those little brats walked in and caught me, my dick flapping in the wind, before someone set me free!”

I shook my head. “Dude, that’s fucked up. Where do you meet these women?”

“Milfs.com?” he shrugged. “It’s cool. She actually has a pretty hot daughter that lives at home. She’s 18, too…”

“You didn’t.”

“Shit! Why not? She was hot and legal! And her mom had left to go to some recital for one of her little crumb snatchers!” CJ exclaimed, downing his beer.

“So you had sex with her daughter?” Again, I shook my head in disbelief. CJ could really be a douche.

“Hey, it wasn’t like she was a virgin. Not the way she hopped up and down on my…”

Before I could stop him from elaborating further, Kami walked in with Lidia, one of Dive’s servers. The girls were laughing about some private joke and didn’t even bother to look our way when they passed. Not even a wave or a smile. Not even a nod in my direction. Kami fucking ignored me like I wasn’t even there.

“Dude, you totally just got the brush off. Damn!” CJ chortled, once they had disappeared into the back to clock in.

“Shut up and drink your damn beer,” I replied, slapping one down in front of him with more force than necessary, causing it to slosh out of the bottle. I didn’t care if he was right; he didn’t need to point it out.

When Kami walked behind the bar, her black apron causing her tee to ride up a bit around her hips, I could feel the shift in the atmosphere. The air was thick with unspoken words and unasked questions. I’d never been the type to not say what was on my mind. Not anymore at least. But with CJ sitting just feet away and the Hump Day crowd filtering in, I didn’t know when I’d get the opportunity.

“Hey, Kam,” CJ shot out before I got the chance. I turned and pegged him with a murderous scowl. I knew exactly what he was doing, and if he wasn’t careful, he would be outside on his ass. CJ was family, but he knew me well enough to know when to shut the hell up.

“Hey CJ,” Kami smiled. Then she turned her gaze to me, her mouth settling into a tight line. “Blaine.”

“Kami,” was all I could muster without wrapping her in my arms and dragging her to the back, caveman style.

She flew into helping customers and straightening everything in sight, obviously trying to busy herself to avoid talking to me. I didn’t get it. I thought we had left things sorta decent. But the way she barely looked at me had me second-guessing everything that went down between us two nights ago. Had I imagined it all? Had I only dreamt that she had been straddling me, fisting my hair, while I tried to slide my tongue over every bit of her neck and mouth?

She had felt it. I know she had. The craving. The need. The sheer madness of desire that made me want to rip off her clothes and taste every inch of her. She wanted me that night just as bad as I wanted her. Yet, now, she acted as cold and distant as a stranger.

Like I said. Bullshit.

It was nearing the end of the dinner rush when Lidia made her way to the bar, propping herself on a stool and bubbling with excitement.

“So guess what my boyfriend just told me?” she asked Kami. “His cousin from New York is coming into town on business and will arrive this weekend. He’s some hot-shot, young investment banker and,
ohmygod
, totally hot!”

Kami poured the overly zealous waitress a soda and set it in front of her. “Okay?”

“Well, I thought it’d be a good idea if we hung out tomorrow night. You know, the four of us?”

“Kami works Friday night,” I interjected before good sense could stop me. Shit.

Kami’s green eyes plunged into mine, a mix of surprise and embarrassment in her gaze. They held me where I stood, testing me, challenging me to say more.

“Anyway,” Lidia scowled, before turning back to Kami. “They’ll be here to see A.D. play and then we’re hanging out after work. So what do you say? He is really cute, Kami. And rich!”

Kami flashed a nervous smile before looking down and fiddling with the container of sliced limes. The image gave me a welcomed flashback of the night we met. Her tongue on my neck, slowly licking the salty trail. Her lips on mine, the barrier of lime the only thing stopping me from drinking her in… I got hard just thinking about it. Almost as hard as I was when she unknowingly sucked my bottom lip into her mouth.

Crimson painted Kami’s cheeks as if she was recalling the same memory, and she quickly pushed the container away. “Geez, um, Lidia, that’s really sweet of you to ask, but–”

“You’re not seeing anyone, right?” Lidia asked, cutting her off.

Kami chewed her bottom lip nervously, as I looked on with rapt attention. “Um, no, I’m not…”

Bullshit. Total. Fucking. Bullshit.

“Good! What’s stopping you?”

I waited for her answer, every second passing slower than the next. Her shaky fingers worked over a paper napkin, absentmindedly tearing and folding. She was panicky and reverting to her coping ritual. My hand flew out to hers, stilling her movements before I even knew what I was doing. Big, green eyes widened with surprise as she looked up at me, yet didn’t pull her hand from my grasp.

“Lidia,” I said, never tearing my gaze away from those emerald pools. “I think your customers need you.”

Lidia huffed, murmuring her irritation under her breath, as she hopped off the stool. I didn’t care. She could’ve called me every name in the book, and I still wouldn’t have turned away from the contact I currently possessed.

“Kami,” I breathed, stepping in closer. She angled her body towards me, her t-shirt clad nipples just barely brushing against my chest.

“Where’d you go, roadrunner? I thought you were done running,” I whispered. I lifted a hand and slipped a tendril of hair behind her ear, my fingers lingering on her skin. I needed to touch her. In that moment, it had become as necessary to me as air.

“I’m not,” she stammered, her voice unsure. “I mean, I am.”

I smiled pensively at Kami, stepping in to close the distance between us. I wasn’t going to ask her why she hadn’t returned any of my messages. I wasn’t even going to question her distant behavior towards me. Questions would have sent her running again. I had her now, and I wasn’t ready to let go.

But the Kami that I knew, the Kami that was warm and soft and as sweet as candy wasn’t in front of me. Whoever this beautiful stranger was knew nothing of dancing in a field as lightning bugs swirled around her bare legs. The sound of her laughter didn’t make heat spread deep in my chest like lava. I had never tasted her lips while warm summer rain slid down our bodies.

No. This girl wasn’t
my
Kami.

“Blaine,” she began, the wavering uncertainty gone from her voice. The sound was harsh and foreign, and something inside me sunk into my gut. “We had fun; I’ll admit. But that’s all it was. We’re coworkers. Let’s just leave it at that.”

Then she pulled her hands from mine, turned, and never looked back to see my stunned expression.

The next day brought a fresh blanket of bullshit when she came in for her shift with the same cold demeanor. But I was over it. She wanted to be left alone. She wanted to pretend like there wasn’t shit between us. Fine. I’d play along. If that was what she needed, I’d give her just that. I wasn’t going to keep chasing a chick that obviously didn’t want to be caught.

We went hours without speaking, other than the occasional “excuse me” as we worked to avoid contact. Kami nearly sighed with relief when CJ came in after work, plopping down in his usual seat at the bar. She was so desperate to ignore me that she was actually happy for the distraction that my imbecile cousin brought. Un-fucking-believable.

“She still not speaking to you?” he asked, once Kami was out of earshot.

I shrugged. I wasn’t in the mood to humor him. If I answered, he would press for more, which would result in me itching to press my fist into his face. I didn’t understand it. How the hell could I? Kami had gone from scorching hot in my lap to as cold and awkward as a wet blanket. It was confusing and infuriating as fuck.

By the time Angel and her band made it in for Dive’s first Open Mic Night, I was long overdue for a break. I needed a cigarette. Badly. I hadn’t felt that craving since the first time Kami came barreling through the parking lot and into my life. She replaced the intense need from that day on. But with her purposely shutting me out, the taste for nicotine was clouding every sense and thought.

“Hi, Blaine!” a chorus of feminine voices greeted me when I returned to the bar. AngelDust had joined CJ at his usual spot at the bar and were chatting about the evening’s events. I noticed Kami shift uneasily on her feet when she realized I was back.

I nodded and gave them a half-smirk before turning to a customer for an order. I was done being the nice guy. Chicks swore up and down that they wanted a good man, but when there was one right in front of them, they went for the douchebags and players instead. Maybe Kami was better off hooking up with Lidia’s friend. Maybe she was into the suit-and-tie types. That wasn’t me and never would be, no matter how badly I wanted to be her choice.

The staff kept their distance from me for most of the night. Even CJ directed his crude jokes and stories to Dom when he arrived just as the first act took to the stage. My head ached at the sound of amateur singers and musicians butchering perfectly good songs. Normally, I would have been more forgiving, maybe even shot CJ an amused look as I stifled my laughter at some of the really bad performances. But, as it was, I just didn’t give a fuck. I just wanted them all to shut the hell up, drink their beer, and get the fuck out so I could take my pathetic ass home.

By the time a young guy took the stage, I was two seconds from saying, “Fuck it” and bumming a smoke from a customer. He began strumming his guitar, bypassing AngelDust’s accompaniment, and I instantly picked up the tune. It was an older John Mayer song, speaking about the love between a father and daughter. His voice curled around the words as he sang of the girl who had been damaged due a broken relationship with her dad, too hurt and impaired to let anyone love her. It was a bit melodramatic for my tastes, but I liked it, and found the tension in my shoulders loosening a fraction with every profound note.

As if being pulled by an unseen force that I couldn’t understand or resist, my gaze swept over to Kami who stood stock-still, her attention focused only on the man on stage. I couldn’t even tell if she was breathing, though her mouth hung ajar just a bit. And, as if the same current pulled her to me, she slowly turned her head, giving me a full view of those big green eyes, shining with unshed tears.

I didn’t even think about. I clapped CJ on the back, grabbing his attention and ordering him to take over. Then I scooped Kami into my arms and led her to the back office before anyone could get a glimpse of the beautiful girl who was crumbling before my eyes.

Once we were alone, the closed door muffling the song that had obviously conjured a hidden pain, I led her to the couch. I held Kami like my life depended on it—like
her
life depended on it—because at that very moment, I wanted to be her lifeline. Whatever was eating her up inside, I needed to make it right. I needed to make it better.