Favorite Wife (13 page)

I closed my eyes and leaned back onto the pillow. I could feel the gauzy tangle of unreality creep into my brain. This couldn't be happening. I was having another nightmare. This whole day seemed like a bad dream, and I would awaken, and laugh at the crazy things one's mind comes up with while sleeping.

When I opened my eyes, Ervil was still watching me. “I'd like for you and Debbie to marry me at the same time, in the same ceremony,” he continued firmly. “It's never been done in the church before, and I'd like to be the first one to do it. We'll have a double wedding.” He stopped, his long fingers smoothing the thinning strands of hair at the top of his head back into place. “Debbie's a little older than you, so I'll take her on a honeymoon first. Then when we get back she can tell you all about it, so you'll realize there's nothing about sex to dread or fret about. Then it will be your turn, and we'll go someplace real nice. How does that sound? Does that make you feel better?”

Someone pounded on the bedroom door. Ervil grabbed the handle and swung it open. I was sitting too close to the wall to see who was in the doorway, but I immediately recognized Dan Jordan's nasal voice. “Well, Chief,” he drawled, “I'm afraid we've got problems. Some idiot called Joel long distance and told him what's going on, and from what I can gather, he's . . .”

Ervil's head motioned toward me, and Dan peered around the corner of the closet. “Oh, sorry. I thought you were alone.”

“I have a meeting right now, Suze,” Ervil said abruptly. “I'll see you later. We'll finish this conversation later, okay?”

Dan's black eyes avoided me as I stood up and hurried past him. He had always made me uncomfortable, and I didn't like the tone he used when he spoke of the Prophet. Suddenly Grandma LeBaron's face flashed before me, that day at her house, when she said that Dan and Ervil were “up to something.”

I left Anna Mae's in turmoil. Images of Debbie and me in matching wedding dresses, standing on either side of Ervil, flitted before me. I imagined Teresa Rios's dark, Indian features—for a moment clear—then fading before me like a mirage. I couldn't concentrate. Oh, I definitely wanted to serve the Lord. I wanted to earn my blessings and do what was right. But now I didn't have that illusive answer as to what was right or wrong.

What could be such a big secret that Ervil had quieted Dan? Because I was in the room? Oh, I wished Jay were home—or Verlan! Fall conference was only a week away—Verlan would be coming. How I wished I could just talk to him! He would help me straighten out this mess I was drowning in. I had no doubt that Verlan cared enough to guide me, even if I didn't marry him.

The next day at school I pulled Debbie aside from the other girls as we walked to a class. “I have to know something,” I whispered. “How do you really feel about you-know-who? I mean, do you love him?”

Her eyes locked with mine, her expression unreadable. I waited for her answer with growing impatience. “Well?” I finally demanded.

Squeezing her eyes tightly for a moment, she vehemently shook her head. “No! I do not love him. Sometimes I can't stand the man. He's so damn smooth and—so sarcastic. He doesn't wear any deodorant, have you noticed? There are times he makes me so mad.”

She stopped, swallowed, and visibly squared her shoulders. Her chin came up and she started walking again. “The thing I keep reminding myself of is that he's the Patriarch of God's True Church. He's promised me that I'll begin to love him. So I just have to trust him and be patient.”

She shrugged and switched her books to the other arm. “He's a strange guy in lots of ways. But he has his redeeming qualities, and I just love Anna Mae and Kris. And now there is going to be you! Oh, Sue, it'll be okay! Everything'll work out just fine. In time we'll both learn to love him, and we'll be happy. You'll see.” She gave me a brilliant smile. Her hair glinted with golden highlights in the sunshine, then faded to chestnut as she ducked into the darkness of the school building.

That afternoon, as I walked home I said a silent, desperate prayer. “Dear Lord, please help me to have more faith. Help Debbie and me to learn to love Ervil. Help me to believe in him and take away all these stupid doubts I'm feeling.” I wanted to believe in him. Maybe the Devil was playing with my brain, and I was being too judgmental. Maybe God used a man like Ervil, a man who got on people's nerves, to strengthen others' faith. What had he done that had me so upset? Was it the secrecy he demanded? Was that so wrong? I wasn't sure anymore. Maybe I was looking for a convenient means of escape from a situation that seemed too much for me to deal with.

My mind was like a feather, blown back and forth by the slightest stirring of the breeze. At times I was self-confident, and at times I was totally confused.

Conference was scheduled to begin on Friday. On Wednesday, Ervil sent for me. I fidgeted as I waited in Anna Mae's living room until Dan Jordan left him. Dan again! Was it his eyes? His voice? He was an apostle in the church and dang it! I should trust him.

Ervil was very direct as soon as the door was closed. “I have something I'd like you to do,” he said calmly. “I've thought this through, and I've decided it would be best.” He sat me on the bed and took my hand, his fingers lightly rubbing across my palm. Eyes the color of new nails bored into mine, capturing my gaze.

“How would you feel about becoming sealed to me?” his voice was curt.

“Sealed?” I asked cautiously. “What do you mean?”

Ervil tried to be patient. “You know, as in married in heaven. For all eternity. You do understand that once a couple becomes sealed, God honors that union forever. So once you're sealed to me, and I'm given my crown of godhood in heaven, you'll be one of my goddesses. We'll have an eternal family together, Susan! We'll populate our own worlds. Imagine all the little spirits we will become parents to!”

Ervil waved his hand, “But that's a ways in the future. For now, I want you to be sealed to me to help settle your mind. Later, after you're a little older, we would be married again. For time, which means while we're here on the earth. That's when we would start living together as man and wife in a physical sense of the word. Understand what I mean?”

I tried to comprehend it, but I was slow. “So, we would be married in heaven, but not here on earth,” I stated, frowning. Something didn't seem right. “I still don't get it. What's wrong with just waiting until the time is right and getting married, once and for all, then?”

“I just think you need to get used to belonging to me before we consummate the marriage.” He smiled and began to relax—confident that I would do as he asked. “Once it's done, it will help to settle your mind. Would that be so bad, being sealed to me? Knowing that you are my wife, forever?” His question was playful, his fingers lightly brushing up and down my thigh.

I stared at his huge hands. There were as many complex sides to Ervil as a prism. Married in heaven, but not on earth. What a strange thought. Debbie had Ervil pegged. He was definitely strange. And scary.

“I would want you to promise me one thing, though,” he said firmly. “I want you to swear to me that you'll tell no one about this. No one, not even your parents. The only ones who are to know are you and me, and Dan Jordan, who'll perform the sealing ceremony. It's no one else's business. I can have him come over, and we'll take care of it this evening.”

A strange shiver raced through me. I was to tell no one, and he wanted to do it now. Why? WHY? One by one, the intricate pieces of Ervil's scheming game settled into place and were glaring at me. I understood. Yes, I was beginning to see.

“Wait just a minute,” I said slowly. I pulled away from him and stood up, my body taut. Chills were galloping up and down my spine. I faced him, my head level with his as he sat on the bed.

“You want me to marry you without the consent of my parents?” My voice was flat, my fists clenched. Mom and Dad's faces flashed before me, their trusting eyes full of faith in their leaders . . . faith in this man. My parents were wonderful, upstanding people, who had given their lives to this church. They had sacrificed everything for their beliefs. The deception that Ervil was suggesting rang as false and unchristian as anything I could imagine. I felt an alarming anger, one that left me hot, then cold. The aura of spirituality that Ervil carried with him cracked and crumbled. I knew clearly that he wanted me tied to him before anyone had a chance to dissuade me. Only a conniving, self-indulgent man, a man who used the name of the Lord for self-fulfillment, one who would crush anyone to accomplish his purposes, would do this. My awe of him completely evaporated, replaced by a raw, shocking contempt. How could I have revered this despicable person?

“Your parents don't necessarily like me. You know that,” Ervil was saying smoothly. “There will be plenty of time to tell them about our marriage later.” He waved their importance off with a flick of his fingers. “I'll handle them. Don't you worry about it.”

Wide eyed, I stared at him, aware for the first time of the callousness and deceit etched into each line of his face. Suddenly I felt an urge to spit on the floor. There was a horrid, sour taste in my mouth.

“No!” I said abruptly. “Absolutely not.” I whirled and stalked to the door, then turned back to face him. “My parents will be very interested to hear all about this little plan of yours.” I yanked on the doorknob. “So will Verlan,” I whispered over my shoulder.

Ervil leaped off the bed. In a flash he grabbed my arm, squeezing until it hurt. “Susan, now wait a minute . . .” his voice was threatening. “You don't understand. Don't be a fool, Susan. You don't want to cause trouble . . . ”

“Let me go!” I shouted, pulling free and running past a surprised Anna Mae. I flew out the door of the rock house as though pursued by evil, out into the twilight, where the air was pure.

C
HAPTER
T
EN

D
ad was due in from the States at any time. All through the night I had stewed over how to tell him about Ervil, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew it was a mistake to say anything. Dad would be furious. He would ground me to my room for my part of the deception, and I couldn't bear the thought. I wasn't sure just what he would do about Ervil, but I didn't want Dad to confront the man. There had been something in Ervil's eyes yesterday that frightened me.

How I wished I could talk to my mother about all this! But I knew that her nerves would never handle it. She would take to her bed and be ill for a week.

Through the morning Mom was occupied with scrubbing and polishing everything in the house, cooking up pies and cakes for the conference guests, and sending me on one errand after another. I was accustomed to doing the outdoor chores and was little help in the house, but Mom found plenty to keep me busy. She didn't seem to notice my agitation.

I had to see Debbie, to talk to her before it was too late and she did something stupid, and I finally convinced Mom to let me leave the rest of my chores until later. As I ran through the shortcut to Anna Mae's, I breathed a prayer that Ervil wouldn't be there.

If Anna Mae knew what had happened between Ervil and me she gave no sign. She was her usual, bubbly self. She informed me that the Batemans had arrived and Debbie had gone somewhere with them. I hurried through the streets, looking for their station wagon, finally spotting the dusty new car parked in front of Franny's house at the southern end of the colony. The whole Bateman group was seated in the Widmars' living room. Franny watched with unveiled interest as I hurried to Debbie's side.

“I have to talk to you,” I whispered. “It's important. Can you get away?”

“Uh, sure, I guess. I'll ask Dad for the car keys,” she whispered back.

Soon we were bumping down the potholed road. I took a shaky breath and plunged in. “Deb, I just need you to know that I'm not going to marry Ervil. I've decided that for sure.”

“Why on earth not?” she gasped. “I thought it was all decided! Oh, Susan, don't tell me this! What happened?”

I stared out the window, a lump in my throat. Somehow I had to make her see what Ervil was really like. “Did he tell you he had a revelation that you were to marry him?” I asked abruptly.

The car swerved off the road, and Debbie braked to a sudden stop. Dust boiled around the car. She whirled in the seat, instantly defensive. “Yes, he did. He was very certain about it. Why?” Her eyes widened as she stared at me. “Oh, come on!” she groaned, “Don't tell me you don't believe in revelation?”

“I'm not saying that. I do believe that God guides people if they'll let Him, but doesn't it strike you odd that Ervil claimed to each of us that he had a revelation to marry us? I'll bet he had one about Teresa Rios, too. Now, isn't that convenient? I'll bet she doesn't love him, either! The only reason we've agreed to marry him is because he says he's had a revelation about us.” I shook my head. “I've thought about this a lot, and I think it's bullshit. He's practically forcing us to marry him! We either marry him, or say we think he's lying. Do you see the spot he puts us in? He's the patriarch and . . .”

“That's exactly right!” Debbie shouted. “What do you expect me to do? Ervil's a powerful man and is being guided by the Lord! I can hardly believe you have the nerve to question him! So we're not madly in love with him. So what? I care more about my spiritual welfare than about passion and romance, and you should, too. My hell, Susan, grow up!” Debbie's eyes flashed with scorn.

I sat in silence, biting my nails. Her spiel sounded just like Ervil. What could I say to her? Desperately, I wanted her to see what I had seen in Ervil, but how could I open her eyes? She was just as impressed with him as I had been. Whatever I said was hitting against a solid wall. He had her completely.

“Okay,” I said, “Just tell me this. Has he sworn you to secrecy about your relationship with him? Do your parents know?”

She darted a quick look at me. “He asked me not to talk about it,” her voice sounded hollow.

I watched her, noting the dark smudges beneath her eyes. She reached for the ignition switch, started the car, and just as suddenly turned the engine off again. As she dropped her head against the steering wheel, sympathy rushed through me.

“Deb, what right does Ervil have to demand you keep this from your parents?”

“He has his reasons. He knows what he's doing.”

“Promise me you'll tell them! This is not right! Besides, they're going to find out anyway. You may as well tell them now.”

Debbie shook her head, her long brown hair hiding her face. “I can't. I just can't,” she wailed. “Susan, please don't back out on me! This all seemed so much easier to handle with you marrying him too. We were going to live together, remember? We were going to be best friends and sister-wives! I don't think I can stand it if you aren't with me.”

“Tell him you won't marry him then! It's your choice. It's your life.”

“I can't,” she faltered. “You don't understand.”

“Why can't you?” I hollered. “You don't even like him! Do you honestly think God would make you marry someone you don't like? Oh—I don't know how to tell you what I'm feeling, Debbie, but something about Ervil scares me.”

“It's just that you don't know him as I do. He gets so . . .” Her hazel eyes were full, and she swallowed hard. “Please say you'll change your mind,” she whispered.

I shook my head as the tears flowed down her cheeks. With nothing more to say, I leaned back against the blue vinyl car seat and closed my eyes in dismay. I pictured Ervil's face, the thin lips, the wide, lined brow jutting out over his eyes—eyes that could look so friendly at times, and yet become so hard and scornful like cold, gray cement.

“Okay, well, do what you think is right,” I managed a little, apologetic smile. “I've got to get home.”

Throughout the rest of the day I feverishly cleaned house at my mother's side as I tried to forget the turmoil my mind was in. Debbie's last words to me as she dropped me off in front of my house had been, “Please, please reconsider, Sue. Don't let me down; I need you; Ervil needs you.” I shook my head as I walked into the house. She sounded just like Kris.

In the late afternoon Dad arrived, and soon after that Aunt Thelma and Uncle Bud pulled up in front of the house in their new pickup and camper. Mark, Duane, and Rena piled out of the camper and raced each other across the backyard to the outhouse.

“What do you think, Vern?” Uncle Bud asked as he led us around the vehicle and had us step into the tiny interior of the camper. “We plan on taking this with us when we move to Los Molinos in a month or two. We'll use it for a kitchen until our house is built. Pretty nice, huh?”

“So, you really are leaving Utah! I'm proud of you, Bud,” Dad declared. “It's a big step, selling out and moving away from the States, especially moving to Los Molinos. I guess that place is about as primitive as you can find, worse than Colonia LeBaron was nine years ago. Mathel thought this was bad. Didn't you, honey?”

Mom nodded grimly, “It takes a lot of faith. My family in Salt Lake practically disowned us, thought we had lost our marbles when we announced we had joined Joel and were moving to Colonia LeBaron. They still think we're lunatics.”

“Well, Bud and I know this is what the Lord wants us to do, so we just do it. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks,” Aunt Thelma said.

“Hey, Sue,” Mark eagerly pulled me aside. “Is Debbie still here? I've been going nuts worrying about her. She stopped writing a couple of months ago. Just stopped . . . What's going on with her?”

I sighed and kicked at a rock in the path. I didn't want to be the one to tell him, but I didn't want Debbie to go through it, either.

“Debbie's pretty involved with someone else, Mark,” I said quietly. “I have a feeling you better forget about her.”

He slowly nodded, his jaw clenched. “I figured as much. Some old man's got his claws into her, hasn't he? Who is it?”

“She'd better tell you herself.”

“Why?” he snapped. “Does everything in this church have to be a son-of-a-bitchin' secret? Did you know that when my sister Lorna married Ervil, her own family didn't know anything about it for months? If the people around here are so convinced that polygamy is the right way to live, then why not be open about it? All this sneaking around! It would be funny if it weren't so sickening.”

“Mark!” I gasped. “You just don't understand. Sometimes there's a reason for secrecy. There are other people's feelings to consider. You just don't understand.”

He leaned against the fence post and eyed me with disgust. “Boy, oh boy. They've sure got you brainwashed, haven't they? I suppose you plan on jumping in with both feet, marrying some old fart and having a dozen kids, too. What an idiot.”

I stared at him, aghast. What had happened to him? The last time he was here he seemed so accepting of the church doctrine. His Utah friends must have talked to him and convinced him that the church was wrong. No wonder my aunt and uncle were both in such a hurry to move away from the States.

“We all have to do what we think is right,” I snapped back. Then I reached out and squeezed his arm. “I'm sorry. I can understand how you feel. This is all new to you. Just give it some time, okay?”

“I'm going to find her,” he turned on his heel and stalked across the yard. I watched his retreating figure until he rounded the corner, hoping against hope that he would be successful in talking some sense into Debbie.

Maybe I was being melodramatic, but when I thought of Ervil a tremor crept over me. A bad, bad thing was happening in our church; something sneaky and underhanded and evil. I didn't understand how it could be this way. Ervil was right next to the Prophet Joel in command of the church. Nevertheless, I hadn't a single doubt that his actions were anything but godly, and they should be reported to someone. Yet, who was I to do it? Should I keep quiet about it just because Ervil scared me? Or should I . . . But, who . . .

Deep inside me a sudden, wild desire to see Verlan sprang to life. Oh, if only I could see him! I was desperate to share my fears, to tell him what had happened, and to have his reassurance that things were under control. And, thank God! Tonight Verlan would be arriving for conference. I had to see him!

Throughout the evening my plan was forming. It was past eleven before the household settled down. Ramona, who was sharing my bed, was sleeping soundly, and I lay down by her until I was sure all the lights in the house were out. I was going to have to sneak away; Mom would never agree to let me go see Verlan this time of night. She would want me to explain, and I couldn't.

I quietly got up and donned a pair of Levi's and a dark blouse. I took an old baseball cap from the closet, twisted my hair up, and shoved it beneath the cap. As I opened my bedroom door, I could see the flickering light of a lamp in the kitchen. Oh, hell! I thought. Someone's still up. I tiptoed up the hall and peered around the cupboard. Mom sat at the kitchen table with a book opened in front of her, stirring a steaming cup of tea. I felt like stamping my foot, I was so angry. The wooden floor in the living room creaked too much; I would never manage to sneak past her. I tiptoed back to my room. I would have to wait. I could see the stars from the window, flickering and twinkling in the blackness, marking the minutes until I would see Verlan.

What would he think of me going to see him so late in the night? Well, he would just have to understand. This was too much for me to deal with alone. I had to talk to someone, give the problem to someone else. My stomach churned. Ervil's face haunted me. The minutes ticked by as I watched the light beneath my door.

Suddenly I sat up. “You dummy!” I said aloud. I rushed to the window and shoved at the wood slider. We had painted the frames earlier, and the paint had sealed the window closed. It wouldn't budge. I tried the other window, shoving my palms against the wood. Slowly the sash gave about an inch. I felt around in the darkness for something to pry with, but could only find a Coke bottle. I stuck the small end in the opening and used it as a wedge. The old wood creaked upward until I could get my arms, then my back under it. I struggled until it was open wide enough to allow me to wiggle through. The sandy flower bed cushioned my fall.

I brushed the dirt from my clothes and skirted around the house, my heart racing at my daring. Giving a wide berth to Uncle Bud's camper parked in front, I sped up the deserted road and on past the Spencers' barking dogs. Some of the houses still had light shining through the windows, and I hoped Grandma LeBaron's would be one of them. I wouldn't allow myself to think what I would do if everyone was in bed. I was probably acting foolishly. Verlan might not even be there yet.

Grandma's red brick house loomed ahead in the blackness without a flicker of light at the windows. I walked into the yard, dismayed. I was too late. Everyone was asleep, and I had come for nothing. A pickup with a camper shell on it was parked in the yard, and I peered closely at it. It had California plates. It could be Verlan's.

I crept to the house and leaned against the rough brick, wishing I had the nerve to awaken Grandma. She wouldn't ask any questions, she'd just wake Verlan. Did I dare?

A faint noise from the small window above my head caught my attention. Looking up, I could see a thin line of light along the outer edge of the heavy drapes. “Oh, hallelujah,” I breathed.

I tapped on the pane, hoping the person on the other side was either Grandma or Verlan. I tapped again. After a minute the front door opened; Grandma peered out at me, clutching her robe around her with one hand and holding a lamp in the other.“Why, Susan, dear!” she exclaimed. “How nice! Do come in.” She let go of her robe, took my arm, and ushered me into her home.