Fashionably Dead in Diapers (3 page)

"I heard you," I snapped, realizing this could go on for hours. "Your obsession with my rack borders on lesbianism." Their indignant gasps made me grin. "However, I wouldn't want to give an entire group of lovely people a horrific name by adding you to it. I prefer to think of you both as asexual and firmly believe you were hatched by aliens—who then ate each other after they took a good look at the two of you."

"Well, I've never," Jane grumbled as I watched Martha try to figure out what I just said.

"Yes, you have. Now here's the deal. I don't want you here, but my son does. If I wasn't horny you two wouldn't be allowed to set a foot in my home. As you heard, Sammy speaks now so anything you say can and will be held against you when he repeats it to me. I'm talking I will remove your arms and legs. They will take at least six months to grow back due to your Vampyre age, not to mention you were both eighty-nine when I mistakenly had you turned. Are we clear?" I asked as I watched them closely.

"We will defend your child with our lives," Martha grunted as she puffed out her skinny chest and looked me in the eye. "I will kill the mother-fuck out of anything that looks at that beautiful boy sideways. Then I will skin it and suck all the blood out of it unless it's a Troll. Trolls taste like ass. We tried two of the randy bastards just to make sure and we will not be imbibing Troll again any time soon," Martha explained solemnly as Jane nodded in agreement.

"Um…" I tried to stop her, but she was on a roll.

"After I skin the assjacket and drain it…unless it's a fucking Troll…I will snap all the bones and shove them up their dead ass carcass."

"I enjoy shoving the bad guy's entrails down his throat before he's dead to watch him choke," Jane added unhelpfully. "I love that child even though he entered the world through your vagina. That was just the luck of the draw and he lost. We do not hold that against him and we will kill the shit out of anything that wants to harm him."

"Good to know," I croaked, trying not to gag and run. "However, that was entirely too much information and you almost made me puke, which is an impossibility for a Vampyre. Congrats."

"You're welcome." Jane preened and Martha smirked.

"Can you actually do any of that?" I asked, not wanting the answer but needing to make sure they could really defend my child.

"Ask the Trolls," Jane whispered as she gave me the thumbs up sign.

"And the Zombies," Martha added as she winked six or seven times, which made her look like she had an alarming tic. "They taste worse than ass, by the way."

"I got nothing," I muttered as I made my way back into the office where my mate and child thankfully had heard none of the fucked up conversation I'd just had. I was unaware Trolls and Zombies even existed. "Because you're insane and look like sparkling grapes that got run over by a Mack truck, I'm also having The Kev, Gemma and Venus help out tonight."

"The Afro American Vampyre?" Martha inquired.

I considered telling her for the umpteenth time how offensive that term was but refrained. First of all it wouldn't help. Plus, I was hoping Venus would kick their skinny, boney asses…or at least wash their mouths out with dish soap or lye. Maybe she'd remove their tongues—I wondered how long it would take a tongue to grow back. I'd have to ask Ethan later.

"Yep, that's her," I said and rolled my eyes.

"And the Fairy with his beard?" Jane asked.

"The Kev doesn't have a beard," I said as I picked up Sammy and began the short trek to his nursery.

"Your friend Gemma is his beard. He's as gay as a blade," she informed me.

"Gay as Mr. Brady from
The Brady Bunch
," Martha joined in.

"Homosexual as Doogie Howser."

“Faggy as “Benny and the Jets”."

"Or “Rocket Man”."

"Or Johnny Mathis."

"Oh my Uncle God," I shouted. "Shut the hell up or you have to leave. The Kev is not gay and Gemma is not a beard. He could turn you to dust with his eyes shut…so, um, go ahead and tell him what you think," I stuttered.

I was feeling only a little bad that I may get home after having at least fourteen orgasms with Ethan to learn Martha and Jane were no more.

"And what the hell has happened to you two idiots?" I demanded as I put Sammy in his exersaucer and handed him a dog bone to chew on. "You used to be rabid conservative Christians."

"We still are," Jane informed me proudly. "I'd pop Mitch McConnell's cherry so fast it would make your head spin."

I grabbed the side of the excersaucer so I didn't collapse in a fit of hysterics.

"I'm leaving," Ethan mumbled as he hightailed it out of the room. "Don't leave any blood when you kill them."

"Got it," I said.

"We've just become a little less uptight," Jane supplemented the heinous discussion we were having. "I'd do George W. in a heartbeat."

"You don't have a heart," I reminded her. "You’re a Vampyre."

"Yes, well," she agreed. "He's married to Laura and she's a babe with wonderful cantaloupes. So he's safe unless she croaks first."

"I'm getting glasses like Sarah Palin," Martha said.

Should I really leave my child with them? Probably not, but the way they were now cooing over him and making him giggle by tackling each other and making raspberry sounds with their mouths—
I hoped
—calmed me some.

"You two are not in charge and neither is Sammy. Whatever The Kev, Gemma or Venus says goes. Got it?"

"Yes," they grumbled.

"They'll be here in a minute and then I'm going to get laid. Can you douse fires and deal with wild animals?"

"Piece of cake," Martha bragged. "Just ask the Gnomes."

"Gnomes?" How in the Hell did I not know Gnomes were real?

"Taste like old poop and brussel sprouts," Jane said very seriously.

There was so much wrong with that statement I was speechless. Firstly, why did she know what old poop tasted like?

"What in the Sam Fucking Hill?" Martha screeched as she and Jane dropped to the floor in terror.

I ducked and smiled as a gust of delicious wind engulfed the room.

"Krumecaca," The Kev shouted as he and Gemma and Venus appeared in a blast of silver and pink glitter mist. "I am so excited to babysit my godchild!"

I turned to hug my friends and stopped short. "Really, The Kev? Really?" I was floored. He no longer looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nope, he had now taken on the features of David Hasselhoff. He couldn't use his real body and face. His true beauty was blinding and it was almost impossible to look at him, but the Knight Rider? His taste was, as usual, appalling.

"You like?" he bellowed as he picked up Samuel and tossed a wildly happy child in the air.

"Um, no, but it doesn't matter what I think as long as Gemma's good with it." I laughed and shrugged.

"My man turns off the Hasselhoff when we're alone." Gemma grinned and waggled her eyebrows.

She was stunning, even more so than when she was simply human. My BFF since I was little was the Queen of the Fairies and the mate of The Kev. Their adoration for each other was almost sickening and if I wasn't so hung up on my own man, I'd be jealous.

"When are you guys going back to kooky-ass Fairyland to claim your throne?" I asked as I locked up all the stuffed animals I hadn't had to kill the other night.

"Little issue there," Gemma said as she planted kisses all over Sammy. "Seems the good Fairies of Xanthia want me dead. The Fairies no like-ee surprises and apparently I'm a big one."

"It will be fine," The Kev said quietly. Subdued was not in his playbook and I looked over in alarm. He shook his head at me and I held my tongue. He and I would be talking soon. I would not let my sister from another mister walk into a bloodbath no matter what was expected of her.

"Penus," Sammy yelled and pointed at a giggling Venus.

"Shit." I shrugged and laughed. "V's are hard."

"Shitshitshitshitshitshit!" Sammy squealed, much to my chagrin.

"Gotta watch your language," I muttered. If I could still blush, I'd be a tomato. "He's a repeater."

"I'll go with Penus," Venus said, still giggling.

"That works for me," Jane announced.

The grin disappeared from Venus' face so quickly even I jumped back. She advanced on Martha and Jane as they shrank in terror. It was all kinds of awesome. "You will call me Venus or I will tie you in a knot like a pretzel. It will not be remotely enjoyable and I will leave you in this configuration for at least a month…possibly two. You got that?" she snarled.

"Yep," a very nervous Jane mumbled as Martha nodded vigorously beside her.

"Alright then, hand me that baby, Gemma. I haven't seen his gorgeous face in two days," Venus said as she snuggled the light of my life.

I felt fine. Actually, I felt good. I realized I wasn't nervous about leaving Sammy. Part of me didn't want to go because I feared missing something. With his bizarrely rapid growth rate, he could be a teenager by the time I got home this evening. However, I was horny—not a little horny. A lot horny. Like I would explode if I didn't get laid soon horny. The thought of being alone with Ethan made my knees weak and my panties wet. Plus, Ethan was correct. If we didn't get some alone time there was no telling what would happen in front of our son…

"Venus, cover Sammy's ears," I requested. She did. "Ethan and I are going on a nice little drive. We're going to watch the sun set and then we will screw each other until we see my Cousin Jesus or we die trying. There are bottles of breast milk in the fridge, but make sure he doesn't eat the nipple. He likes to chew rubber, just don't let him swallow it. The dog bones are all over the place and there are more in the pantry. No TV. It's dangerous enough because he repeats
everything
. If he grows more than a foot or starts a massive fire call me. We'll come back. Also he likes to animate inanimate objects so keep him out of the kitchen. Knives would be unfortunate. I've locked up all the stuffed animals because I was almost decapitated by an orange teddy bear the other night. I'd suggest you play only with small things that don't have teeth. Any questions?"

The room was silent and all eyes were huge.

"Pretty sure that covers it," The Kev mumbled in a daze. Everyone else nodded.

I kissed my son and walked to the door. Excited didn't begin to cover what I was feeling. My inner hooker was breakdancing in my tummy and everything south of my belly button was on fire.

"Oh," I jerked to a halt and turned back. "Don't fuuuc—arking swear. He repeats every godda—urned thing we say."

On that note, I hightailed it to the door and ran. I was by far the worst potty mouth of all and I was definitely going to have to invest in duct tape.

Fuck.

Chapter 3

New parents must remember to pay attention to their own needs as well as their child's. However, parents also must remember…while the cat’s away the mice will play. And cats never eat the stomach or the guts. No, they will leave them on your doorstep as a gift. Please remember this is considered a great honor. For real.

"What is this place?" I asked as I stared at a beautiful little cottage nestled amongst huge oak trees. It looked like a house from a fairytale, complete with turrets and climbing ivy.

"It's a gift for you," Ethan said as he yanked the keys from the ignition and jumped out of the car. He'd driven like a bat out of Hell—at least seventy miles an hour over the speed limit right into the middle of nowhere. "Get out of the car, Astrid, or I'll take you in the passenger seat."

"Patience is a virtue," I said as I flew out of my seat and jumped him.

"Patience is for pussies," he muttered against my lips as his tongue plundered my mouth and his hands roamed my ass.

"I'm not sure I remember how to do it," I gasped as I ground against him like a cat in heat.

"It's like riding a bike," he insisted urgently. The love of my very long life was all over me and I happily returned the favor.

"Wait," I shouted as Ethan jerked to a halt and shoved me behind him, ready to kill whatever had alarmed me.

"What?" he bellowed in frustration as he scanned the area around us. "I don't see or feel danger."

"No danger," I said as I came out from behind him and slapped my hands on my hips. "And why in the Hell did you shove me behind your back? I'm more unkillable than you are."

"Habit," he mumbled as he tried to attack my lips again.

"Stop," I insisted. "I want to play a game."

Ethan ran his hands through his hair and looked like he wanted to cry. "A game?'

"Yessssssss." I grinned and lightly ran my hand over his substantial and achingly hard package. "Let's pretend this is your grandmother's house and we're in high school. You brought me here because after eight months of dating, dry humping and blue balls I finally agreed to do the nasty—as many times and ways as you've begged me. However, your grandma is at a championship bingo tournament and could return home and catch us at any moment. That, of course, would be catastrophic because she thinks sex is filthy and only for procreation and Mormons."