Far From Home (9 page)

“See you in the morning.  Try and get some sleep.”

“Thank you, Mom.”

She just nodded and smiled, turning the light off as she left the room.  The soft light from the hall created a glow around Jesse as I looked down at him.  He looked peaceful and I hoped he was having nice dreams because I knew when he woke up, the harsh reality of his new life would come crashing in on him again. 

Chapter Eight

When my eyes opened, it took a moment to adjust.  I was confused at first until I remembered I was in the guest room.  Somehow I’d slept soundly, but once I realized where I was, I got a sick feeling in my stomach and my arms felt empty, having held Jesse all night as he slept. 

There was a bit of light coming in from the rising sun, but for the most part, it was still dark.  My eyes searched the room for Jesse and I found him a moment later, staring out the window, his gaze empty and a million miles away.  I’d never seen him look so ragged.  He must’ve felt me watching him, and he turned his head so our eyes met.  He tried to smile, but it didn’t last long.  I pushed the quilt off me and walked to his side.  I didn’t say anything to him.  Instead, I slid my arms around his waist, hugging him close, not knowing what else I could do for him.  He didn’t say anything either, but we didn’t need any words as his arms wrapped around me too. 

We stood silently, staring out the window into the field behind the house where my grandfather had once kept his garden. In the entire time I’d lived there, I’d never seen a sunrise and I didn’t realize how beautiful it was as the budding rays of sun painted the field a golden hue.  The morning seemed so peaceful and I would’ve given anything if I could’ve held onto that feeling for Jesse, knowing it would be a long time before he felt peace again.

“Thank you for staying with me last night,” he finally said, breaking the silence. 

“I’m glad I could.”

“And your mom was cool with it?” he asked, seeming suddenly nervous and I nodded.

“She was definitely cool with it,” I said and then we were quiet for a few moments before he pulled away from me.  He walked over and began digging through the backpack I’d brought for him.  He took out the clothes I’d grabbed.  In the moment, I’d taken the first things that seemed appropriate and as I looked at what he held in his hand, I was glad they at least matched.  It was nothing special, just a pair of jeans and a maroon t-shirt, but at least it was clean.  He picked up his toothbrush and then looked at me.

“Is it okay if I take a shower?”

“Of course.” 

I walked past him into the hallway towards the linen closet.  He followed and I handed him a towel and a wash cloth. 

“You can just use whatever’s in there.  I’ve got some body wash and some shampoo, but if it’s too frilly or something, my grandma’s got some more basic stuff.  I forgot your razor though,” I mentioned as I noticed a dark shadow on his chin I wasn’t accustomed to. “I’m sorry.  We can…” I said and then stopped talking once I realized I was babbling on incessantly when all he wanted to do was take a shower.  He could figure this all out himself.  “Just use whatever you need.  I’ll be downstairs,” I said and he nodded, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door. 

I stood by the linen closet for a few minutes, just listening to him in the bathroom.  Even though I knew it was a completely inappropriate time, I couldn’t help but think about what he looked like on the other side of that door.  The me from twenty-four hours ago wanted to push open the door, playfully sneaking a peek, but everything had changed since yesterday and I didn’t know when that would ever be a part of our lives again. 

Pushing that to the back of my mind, I headed downstairs, surprised to see my mom and Jack sitting at the table drinking coffee.  I glanced at the clock, which read 6:15 am. 

“Hey,” I said, sitting down next to them. 

“How’d you sleep?” she asked, reaching over and resting her hand over mine. 

“Surprisingly well,” I answered softly.

“What about Jesse?”

“I think he slept okay.  He was awake when I woke up though.  He was just staring out the window,” I said quietly and I thought I saw my mom close her eyes and wince. “He’s taking a shower now.”

“As soon as he’s ready, we can head up to Wichita,” Jack added and I looked over to him and nodded.

“So…” I began hesitantly. “I mean…what’s gonna happen once we get to the hospital?  I know we’ll see Glenn, but what about Jesse’s dad’s…body?” I said, whispering the last word, shuddering at the thought.

“Once Jesse makes the arrangements with the funeral home, they’ll take care of all of that.  We’ll help him with that today, so to answer your question, we won’t be doing much in regards to Mr. Baylor at the hospital.”

“At least Jesse will get to see his uncle,” I said, trying to think of the one positive in this whole situation. 

“That poor boy,” my mom said suddenly, her voice cracking. “He’s such a great kid.  What a horrible thing to happen.”

No one said anything in return because there was nothing to say.  It was true.  It was horrible and Jesse didn’t deserve it, but regardless of the truth, it was his new reality and I had to find a way to help him through it. 

****

The drive to Wichita was a quiet one.  Jesse and I sat in the backseat of Jack’s SUV while Jack drove, my mom at his side.  I held Jesse’s hand the whole way, but we hardly said a word to each other.  He just stared out the window, the way he had in the morning.  He was right next to me, but I’d never felt further away from him.  Watching someone you love hurting so much was worse than any pain I’d ever felt. 

I was glad Jack was with us when we got to the hospital.  We just followed him and soon we were walking towards Glenn’s room.  The closer we got, the harder Jesse’s grip was on my hand.  When we stopped outside the door, I asked Jesse if he wanted us, or at least me, to go in with him. 

“No,” was all he said, his voice low and wavering and then he turned and walked inside, the door closing slowly behind him. 

We sat in the waiting room, watching the news play on the TV overhead.  It was boring and mindless and I kept watching the door, hoping Jesse would return. 

The buzz of my phone startled me and I pulled it out, seeing Holly’s name flashing across the screen.  It occurred to me that we hadn’t talked to any of our friends since Jesse found out.

“Hey!” The tone of Holly’s voice indicated she had no idea about Jesse’s dad. “We were thinking about going bowling today.  You wanna come?”

“I’m at the hospital in Wichita right now,” I began before she interrupted.

“Hospital?” I could hear the concern in her voice. “Is everything okay?”

“No.  No, it’s not,” I said quietly so as not to disturb anyone.  Holly didn’t say anything as she waited for me to go on. “Jesse’s dad was killed in a car accident last night.”

The line was eerily quiet and I waited for her to say something. It remained silent for a few uncomfortable moments before I heard a low whisper on the other end of the line.

“What?” she managed to eek out.

“We found out last night.  His uncle was with his dad and he’s up at Wesley.  Jesse’s in with him right now.”

“Oh my gosh, Riley.  How’s Jesse doing?”

“I don’t know.  He stayed at my house last night, but I think he’s in shock or something.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Just let everyone know and I’ll keep you posted, okay?”

“Yeah, I can do that,” she said softly. “Tell Jesse we love him, okay?”

“I will,” I said and then the line went dead.  I shut my phone and continued staring at the door as tears welled in my eyes again.  I dabbed them away with the hem of my shirt before they could fall and I was relieved when Jesse finally walked into the waiting room.  I didn’t know how to read his face.  I thought I might detect some sliver of happiness after speaking to Glenn, but I didn’t.  If anything, he looked even more distraught than before. 

“How’s Glenn?” I asked once I’d met him half-way.  He breathed in deeply as he ran a trembling hand through his hair.

“Um…good…yeah, he’s good, I guess.”  He didn’t add any other details and he brushed by me, walking over to where my mom and Jack sat.  I’d be lying if I said his reaction didn’t hurt, but I followed him, standing at his side.

“Is there anything else you need to do here, Jesse?” my mom asked, standing up, gently resting her hand on his arm.

“No, Mrs. Regas.  Thanks for bringing me up here,” he said, his eyes staying focused on the floor.

“You’re welcome,” she said, leaning in and hugging him.  I couldn’t help but notice that Jesse’s arms remained at his side, not hugging her back.  She pulled back a moment later, and I wondered if she’d noticed too.

“If you don’t mind, I think I need to get back to Carver to start taking care of things.”

“Of course, Jesse.  Whatever we can do to help,” Jack added and then Jesse turned and started walking towards the exit, leaving us well behind.  I started to pick up my pace to catch up with him, but then stopped.  He obviously didn’t want me at his side.  I felt my mom’s hand link with mine and I turned my head to look at her.

“He just needs some space right now, Ry,” she reassured me.  I wanted to be with him.  I wanted him to lean on me.  I wanted to do whatever I could do to help him, and I started to choke up, realizing what he needed from me right now was obviously different than what I wanted to give and I feared maybe what he needed wasn’t me.

Chapter Nine

When we got back to Carver, my grandma had lunch, or dinner, as she called it, ready.  I still couldn’t get used to people calling the mid-day meal dinner, or the fact that it was often bigger than supper.  She had made some baked chicken, macaroni and cheese, and fresh tomatoes from her garden.  We all sat around the table eating, but my eyes stayed on Jesse and I noticed he only pieced at his food, hardly eating anything.  I didn’t blame him.  I was hungry, but I found it difficult to eat when I had so many other things on my mind.  I could only imagine how it was for him. 

After lunch, we headed over to the funeral home.  The whole situation was awkward and it appeared as if Jesse was just going through the motions. I was glad my mom and Jack were there to help.  Jesse just seemed to nod and agree with whatever was presented to him, but then Mr. Ledding, the mortician, handed Jesse a copy of the expenses and his hand went to his mouth and he breathed out deeply.

“How am I gonna pay for this?” His voice seemed frantic and my heart pounded as I realized how scared he was. 

“Did your father have life insurance?” Mr. Ledding asked and Jesse shrugged.

“I don’t know.  There’s gotta be something, right?” He turned and looked desperately between my mom and Jack. 

“I’m sure there is,” my mom said reassuringly. “Do you think your uncle would know anything?”

“Probably,” he said softly. “I’ll ask him. He’ll be home tomorrow.”

“Don’t worry about the money right now, son,” Mr. Ledding said and he smiled warmly at Jesse, pulling the bill away from him and sliding it into a desk drawer. 

“Thank you,” Jesse said gratefully.

“We’ll pick up your father tomorrow morning and everything will be ready for the service on Saturday.”

Jesse just nodded and stood up to leave.  He shook Mr. Ledding’s hand and then walked out of the room.  Even though he didn’t wait for me, I decided to follow him.  I heard my mom and Jack speaking with Mr. Ledding and thanking him for his help as I left.  Jesse was stepping outside when I found him and I walked faster to catch him.  He stopped and leaned against the railing of the porch, staring out into the street.

“I’ve been by this place a million times and this is the first time I’ve ever been inside,” he began.  He didn’t look at me though, but continued to stare out into the street.  “When my grandparents died, their funerals were at the church.  My dad and Uncle Glenn took care of everything here.”

I walked towards him cautiously, carefully placing my hand on his back as I sidled up beside him.  My fingertips ran over the cotton of his shirt and I rested my head on his shoulder.  I thought I felt him tense up and then he pulled away.

“Can you tell Jack I’m gonna walk back?  I need some air.”

“Do you want me to walk with you?” I asked, fearing the answer.

“No,” he said flatly and then started walking away. 

I jogged off the porch and caught up with him, gently pulling on his arm so he stopped.

“Please let me walk with you,” I begged.  I couldn’t bear the thought of not being with him during this time.

“I just need to be alone.”  His answer was like a punch in the gut and I had to fight back the tears before speaking in a cracking voice. 

“Are you coming back to my house?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure I can’t walk with you?” I said and he could sense my hesitation. 

“I want to be alone, Ry.” I stared into his gray eyes and then before I could stop myself, I kissed him.  I needed to kiss him even if he didn’t want to kiss me.  His lips were warm and soft like always, and I worried when he didn’t kiss me back at first, but I was relieved when he finally did. 

“I love you, Jesse,” I said when I pulled back.  He just nodded.

“I’ll see you in a bit.”

I waited for him to say he loved me back.  He always said it back, but he didn’t.  He just walked away, his hands stuffed in his pockets and his head down.  I watched until he turned a corner.  I couldn’t pretend to know how Jesse was feeling, but it was killing me to watch him push me away. 

****

Jack had to leave shortly after we got back from the funeral home and my grandma took a nap, leaving just my mom and me in the living room.  We had the TV on, but it was just for background noise.  Neither of us was really paying attention and I kept glancing at the clock.  We’d been back almost two hours and Jesse was still gone.  When I’d told my mom and Jack that he was going to walk home, they both seemed to nod in understanding.