Far From Home (21 page)

When I got to work the next day, Matt was already there.  Jill had gone to the bank, so it was just us in the shop.  We didn’t talk much as we worked.  I was distracted and focused my attention on my job so I wouldn’t think about Jesse. 

“Remember that music festival I was telling you about?” Matt asked a while later and I looked up at him through the flowers I was arranging and nodded. “It’s this Sunday.  Did you and Jesse still wanna come?”

“Yeah, I definitely want to.  I’ll have to double check with Jesse though.  I’ll get back to you on that,” I said, wondering when I was even going to speak to Jesse again.

“I’m not trying to be nosey,” he began.

“But I take it you’re going to be anyway,” I said, raising an eyebrow at him and he laughed softly.

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

“Go ahead then,” I said, cutting the stem of a rose before sliding it into the vase.

“I saw you leave on Saturday night,” he said and then paused. “Without Jesse.”

“You saw correctly.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really,” I said, focusing back on the flowers for a few moments, before setting the rose I’d been working with back on the counter and then sighed before I started talking. “I got pissed at him because he was acting all jealous about us playing air hockey.”

“I sensed he wasn’t happy.”

“No, he wasn’t and I told him to leave.  I told him I needed space from him.  I haven’t heard from him since.  It’s been two days.  I messed up,” I said, shaking my head.

“No, you didn’t.  You stood up for yourself.”

“I know that, but I should be more sensitive to what he’s going through.”

“You are sensitive, but he needs to know how you’re feeling.”

“That’s what I was hoping for.  I was hoping it’d knock some sense into him, but obviously it hasn’t because I haven’t heard from him.”

“Did you call him?”

“No.”

“Well, in all fairness, you did tell him you needed space.  Maybe that’s what he’s giving you.”

“Well,” I stuttered. “Yeah, I told him that, but he should still call me or something.”

Matt started laughing and I looked over at him with annoyance.

“You girls are all the same.  You say one thing, but really mean the other.”

“No, I don’t,” I said defensively. 

“You told him you needed space when what you really wanted was for him to come chasing after you, begging your forgiveness.”

I just glared at Matt, mostly because he was partly correct. I had wanted to give Jesse a taste of his own medicine, but I didn’t expect him to just disappear.

“You know I’m right,” Matt said playfully.

“I’ll admit there’s a little part of me that wanted that, but I was genuinely pissed off.”

“No doubt you were.”

“So, what do you think I should do?”

“That’s up to you.  You’ve got to ask yourself what you ultimately want out of your relationship with Jesse.”

“Well, that’s easy.  I wanna be with him.”

“Then I think you have your answer.”

****

I was tired of this game.  It had been the same thing since Jesse’s dad died: something happened to cause tension between us, we said we were sorry, we were okay for a little while, and then something else happened, starting the whole process all over again.  And here we were again, doing the same thing.  I just wanted to be done with it.  I wanted Jesse back.

After work, I drove by his shop.  I was surprised to see his Jeep wasn’t there since it was only 5:30.  I turned my Jetta around and headed to his house.  The Wagoneer was there and I saw lights on inside.  I pulled my car alongside his and walked nervously up to the door.  I knocked quickly and a moment later, I heard shuffling in the kitchen and then the door opened.  Jesse stood there in front of me.  I expected him to smile when he saw me, but he didn’t.  He looked tired. 

“Can I come in?” I asked, not bothering with a greeting.  He stepped back and motioned me inside and I followed him into the living room. 

“I haven’t had anything to drink if that’s what you’re looking for,” Jesse said coldly and I realized my eyes were darting carefully around the room. 

“I wasn’t looking for anything.”

“Yes, you were,” he said and I knew then this was not going to be the happy reunion I’d anticipated.

“Can we please not do this?” I asked calmly, sitting on the couch.  I was surprised when he sat next to me.   

“I didn’t expect to see you tonight,” he said and I waited for the gentleness to return to his voice.  It sounded so distant. 

We sat in silence for a while and it started to get awkward.  I’d come over for a reason so I decided I’d better start talking.

“I’m sorry about Saturday night.”

“Me too,” he sighed and I couldn’t tell if he was sincere or not. 

“Jesse,” I said, turning to face him. “I can’t keep doing this,” I said and I heard him breathe in deeply and then exhale before he spoke.

“If you’re breaking up with me, Riley, just go ahead.  Don’t drag it out.”

“I’m not breaking up with you,” I stammered. “Why would jump to that conclusion?”

“Because I’m an asshole,” he mumbled, standing up.

“No, you’re not,” I said as he paced the floor.

“When are you gonna see it?” he said, raising his voice.  I was startled by the expression on his face.  He looked as if he were about to explode. 

“See what?”

“Dammit, Riley!” he shouted, slamming his fist into the wall so hard I was surprised he didn’t punch a hole in it. “I’m no good for you!”

I stood up, rushing to his side.  His eyes were desperate as he looked down at me. 

“Don’t say that!” I yelled back. “Don’t you dare say that!  You have done more for me than anyone else ever has.”

“You have this delusion that I’m perfect.  You don’t think I can be messed up, but I’m not perfect and I am messed up!  I can’t get my shit together and I’m just dragging you down!” he shouted.  He was right about my perception of him being perfect.  I knew it wasn’t fair of me, but I looked at Jesse as this impenetrable source of strength, even though since his dad passed away, I’d seen he wasn’t.  It was hard to see him hurting, especially when he insisted on pushing me away. 

“Okay,” I said softly, taking his hand and turning him to me. “Just calm down.  Let’s talk about this rationally.  Don’t keep yelling.  This isn’t like you.”

He pulled his hand away and walked out of the room.  I heard his footsteps heading towards his room and I followed him.  He’d flopped himself on the bed so he was staring up at the ceiling. 

I sat down beside him and we were quiet until I finally heard him say, “I’m sorry for yelling and punching the wall.”

“Stop apologizing.  Let’s agree on one thing right now.  No more apologies, okay?  You’ve done enough of that lately.  We both know things are messed up right now and you’re probably going to do something else that you feel the need to apologize for, but I don’t want to hear it anymore, okay?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said with a light laugh. “If I mess up, I’m gonna apologize, so don’t ask me not too.”

“Fine, whatever,” I said, smiling down at him before turning serious again. “I can’t keep going on like this though.  I can’t have you pushing me away anymore.  I need you, Jesse.  I know you’re going through a lot right now, but that’s what I’m here for.  And just think, we’ll be off at college soon and things will start to get better.  I know they will.” I reached down and ran a hand through his thick hair.  He closed his eyes as my fingers tickled his scalp and he reached up, gently pulling me down next to him.  I curled up beside him and I felt his arm drape around me.

“Why do you put up with me?” he asked a moment later.

“Because I love you,” I replied and he kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry I told you to leave the other night.  I was just so frustrated with you.”

“You were right to tell me to leave.  It wouldn’t have been good had I stayed.  I should’ve just stayed home that night.  We would’ve avoided all this.”

“What’s done is done, let’s not dwell on it, okay?”

“Okay,” he agreed and we laid in silence for a long time.  It felt good just being together.  I’d come over to get some sort of resolution to this push and pull game we were stuck in, but nothing had changed.  He was still lost and I was still begging to help him.  Something had to give soon.  We just had to hang on for a little bit longer and then everything would start to be okay again.

It was a while before we said anything to each other.  I rested on his chest and he played with my hair.  I didn’t want to start anything, but I need to ask him about the music festival. 

“Maybe we just need to get out of town for a day,” I finally said, my voice riddled with nerves and he looked at me curiously, obviously wondering about my random statement. “Remember when I told you Matt invited us to that music thing up in Wichita?”

“Yeah.  What about it?’

“It’s this Sunday.  Do you still wanna go?”

“Do you want to?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“I have to be honest,” he began with a sigh and I knew that was not a good sign. “I don’t want to go.  I don’t think I’d be very good company, plus Matt and I haven’t exactly gotten off on the right foot.”

“Matt is fine with you and I think it’ll be fun.  Matt gave me this CD of a band that’s gonna be there.  It’s really good.”

“Just go without me, okay?”

“I’m not going without you.”

“Don’t let me ruin it for you.”

“You wouldn’t mind if I went?  I could ask Mandy or someone to come with me.”

“That’s up to you, but if you’re implying I don’t trust you to go alone with Matt, then you’re wrong.  I do trust you, even if I haven’t exactly been conveying that lately.”

“Well,” I said dejectedly. “If you change your mind, let me know.  I’d really like you to come.”

“I’ll see,” he said, although I knew he wouldn’t change his mind.

“Okay,” I said, trying not to sound too disappointed and then I sat up, knowing our conversation was over. “I should probably get home.  My mom’s expecting me for dinner.  You wanna come?”

“I’m actually heading over to Glenn’s house tonight for dinner.”

“Really?” I asked, the surprise evident in my voice.

“I haven’t been to see him in a while and we have some things to talk about.”

“Is everything okay?”

“It will be,” he answered and then he walked me outside to my car.

“For what it’s worth,” he said softly. “I’m sorry for everything.”

He looked sad and regretful and I brushed his cheek with my hand, smiling up at him.

“Just remember I love you.” I got in the car and pulled away, watching his figure fade in the distance.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Sunday came, but Jesse didn’t change his mind.  A small and delusional part of me thought he would, but he hadn’t and I found myself in the passenger seat of Matt’s pick up, heading up the turnpike.  As the fields of wheat and sunflowers passed by, I wondered what Jesse was doing.  I missed him and I hoped he was okay. 

It felt a little weird going to the festival without Jesse.  At the same time though, I felt a sense of relief as we left Carver behind for the day.  The summer was definitely not panning out how I’d anticipated and I wanted to forget about all the stress back home for a few hours. 

Matt and I made small talk during the drive, but we mostly listened to his iPod and I had to admit, he had good taste in music.  I decided I was in for a good time if Matt approved of the acts we’d be seeing. 

The concert was on the outskirts of Wichita, just north of the city.  We got there around sunset, shortly before the first act was to take the stage for the headliners. 

“Who’s all gonna be here?” I asked when we got out of the truck.  Matt went to the back, grabbed a blanket and started heading toward the stage.  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece paper.

“The music’s been going on all day, but these are the headliners.” I opened the paper he’d given me and looked over the names. 

“I don’t know any of these groups, except for the one from the CD you gave me, which,” I said enthusiastically, grabbing his arm for a moment. “I absolutely love.”

“I told you it was good.”

“I don’t think I’ve listened to anything else sense you gave it to me,” I said with a laugh. “It’s pretty much been the soundtrack of my life.”

“Then I’m pretty sure you’ll like the rest of the bands.”

“I’m just glad to be out and having some fun,” I said as we approached the crowd. 

Matt and I found a spot on a hill where we had a good view of the stage.  He spread the blanket out and I sat down, my legs kicked out before me as I leaned back.  It was a warm night, but thankfully not too warm.  Not anywhere like it’d been that day Jesse and I went swimming in Mrs. Kramer’s pond.  I didn’t even realize I was smiling as I thought back on that day until Matt called me out on it. 

“You look pretty content.”

“What’d you say?” I asked, looking over at him.

“You’re just sitting there with a grin on your face.”

“I am?”

“Yeah.  Must be a good daydream,” he said and I couldn’t stop the light laugh from escaping. 

“Just thinking back on better times.  This summer hasn’t exactly gone as I’d hoped,” I said and I noticed Matt was looking at me intently. “Yeah, I had big plans.  Well, maybe not big plans,” I said and tried to smile, even though I wasn’t feeling happy. “But I definitely didn’t expect it to end up like this.”

“Is spending the evening with me so terrible?”

“Of course not,” I said, giving him a reassuring smile. “I’m actually glad to be here tonight.  It’s nice to get away for a little bit.”

“Everything okay?”

I shrugged my shoulders.  Everything wasn’t okay, but everything hadn’t been okay for a while.  Today wasn’t any different.

“I’m fine,” I said, but I knew by the way Matt looked at me, he didn’t believe me.

“Did you ever talk to Jesse after that night at the arcade?”

I nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“And how’d it go?”

“You’re really pushy, ya know that?” I grinned. “You’re gonna make a great therapist someday.”