Falling for Finn (6 page)

The tension in him was almost a palpable thing. His fingers, where they pressed against the skin of his biceps, were almost white. But when he spoke, it was soft. “Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that?”

She frowned, confused. “Say what?”

“I want you to sleep with me, Finn.”

For a second his words didn’t make any sense. The expression on his face almost unnerving in its intensity. Her mouth felt oddly dry. “What do you mean?”

“Years, Anna. I’ve waited years.”

The air seemed thin, time distorting weirdly around them. Around this moment. “Years?” she echoed blankly.

“You came over for a swim in the pool the day you got your first bikini. It was green and blue and tiny. You were so shy about it, and I had to bribe you with chocolate just to get a look at you in it.” She remembered. She’d been sixteen and horribly embarrassed about it. And yet, at the same time, kind of excited. Wanting to know what Finn thought. Hoping she looked good because she’d been getting more and more interested in guys, and a guy opinion about the bikini had seemed necessary.

Finn’s gaze was almost hypnotic. She couldn’t look away.

“You were…” He stopped, let out a breath. “So freaking beautiful. And I wanted you. From that moment on, I wanted you.”

The room seemed too small, the walls closing in. And he seemed too large, taking up all the available space. All the available air.

“So yeah,” he went on, still quiet. “I’m a little angry. I’m a little angry that after telling myself to stop panting after you like a hungry dog, after finally letting go of the fantasy, you’re now offering it to me on a plate.”

Shivers went through her. Chills chasing themselves over her skin.

Finn wanted her. Finn Shaw, her best friend, wanted her.

Had wanted her for years.

Jesus.

Anna swallowed. She didn’t know what to do with her hands. Didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know what response to give him.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” she asked finally, her voice gone hoarse. “I had no idea.”

“No, and that’s how I’d meant it to stay. You didn’t feel that way about me and I respected that. I respected you. Your friendship was the most important thing in my life, and I didn’t want to jeopardize that simply because I wanted to get into your pants. I still don’t.” He pushed himself abruptly away from the doorframe. “I want to help you, Green Eyes. More than anything in the world. But you have to understand what you’re asking from me. Making love to you is every fantasy I’ve ever had. But in every single one of those fantasies, you wanted me too. So if all you’re really looking for is an extended therapy session, then you can find some other guy to do it, because I’m not interested.”

Then before she could say a word, he turned and left, leaving her staring at the empty space where he had been.

In every single one of those fantasies, you wanted me too…

Slowly, Anna turned back to the mirror. Stared at the woman in the glass. Shock ran through her in response to his admission. Shock and something else. Something wild and uninhibited. Something she’d never let herself acknowledge before.

You do want him.

Finn walked out into the lounge, automatically going over to pick up the Scotch glass left on the floor. He didn’t like mess, a trait that Anna had always kidded him over since,
apparently
, people who liked extreme sports also couldn’t be tidy.

Carrying it over to the breakfast bar, he set it down, then put his palms flat on the wood and bent his head.

Why had he told her? Why the hell had he told her? He hadn’t meant to. He’d just gone in there because he’d wanted to know if she was leaving or not. Not to spill his guts like a washed-up Hollywood star on daytime TV.

He pushed away from the bar, turned around and leaned back against it, fingers curling around the edge of the smooth wood

Christ, her face as he’d told her. Going pale, eyes huge, full of shock. She’d never suspected, clearly. And that was just as well, since he’d never intended for her to know.

But, God, he’d had to say something. She had to know what her request meant to him, that he wasn’t being an asshole by refusing to help.

Hesitant footsteps across the floor, stopping over by the armchair.

He lifted his head and there she was, hands thrust in the back pockets of her jeans, brown hair in glossy wings grazing the delicate line of her jaw. She looked nervous, awkward.

So strange and unfamiliar to have this tension between them. It had never happened before.

“So?” He shifted against the wood. “Are you going then?”

“Actually…” She broke off, biting her lip.

“What?”

A pause.

“I was just wondering.” Her green eyes came to his, color stealing through her face. “Is there any reason we both can’t have what we want?”

Pressure in his chest. A surge of adrenaline through his whole body. Like riding the perfect wave. Or heading down the half-pipe on his snowboard. A rush. He almost stopped breathing. “What are you talking about?”

She didn’t look away. Not this time. “I’m talking about you helping me. And me…” A slight hesitation. “Giving you your fantasy.”

He didn’t move. “I told you. I’m not doing this if you don’t—”

“I want you, Finn.”

A soft rush of words. Stopping him in his tracks. Stopping time. “What?” His voice sounded hoarse. Not his.

Anna’s face became rosy. “You heard me.”

His fingers gripped the wood of the bar. Hard. “Say it again.”

She bit her lip again. “I…want you.”

“Why should I believe you?” He found himself not wanting to. Unable to even hope that it might be true. “You could be saying that so you get what you want.”

Anna’s eyes widened, a flash of hurt in them. “Okay, I get that you’re angry, but don’t be a bastard, Finn. You really think I’d do that to you?”

No, he didn't.
 
But… “So you came to this realization when? In the last five minutes? You’ll forgive me if I think the timing is just a little too perfect.”

The hurt had vanished from her gaze to be replaced by anger. “The timing has nothing to do with it.” Her jaw tightened. “No, I haven’t seen you in that way before. But that’s because it was a conscious decision, Finn. You never seemed interested in me, so I thought it would be easier not to go there. Being your friend was much better than being just another one of your ex-lovers.” She shifted on her feet. “But when I thought about us together…I changed my mind.”

He wanted to believe her. Really believe she desired him. Desired him the way he desired her.

Finn took a slow, silent breath. Conscious of the wood beneath his finger-tips, the press of it against his back, Anna’s presence so very close and yet so very far, the aching distance between them.

“It’s not just about the sex, Finn. You know that, right?” she continued softly. “It’s also about the fact that I’m comfortable with you physically.”

“You weren’t before. When I tried to hold your hand.”

“That’s because I wasn’t expecting it.”

“So you’ll be okay if you do expect it?”

She exhaled softly. “Yeah, I think so. Because it’s you and you touch me all the time. God, we’ve seen each other at least half naked countless times before, so it won’t be like this will be unusual.”

No, she was wrong about that. Unusual would be the least of it.

But shit, did it really matter if she wanted him as much as he wanted her? Wasn’t knowing she’d chosen him, trusted him, enough? And when it came down to it, she was offering him something he’d never thought he would ever have. Right now. Right here. Something that would help her as well.

They would both get what they wanted.

Besides, he’d gotten over her once. He could do it again, couldn’t he?

He didn’t move. Stayed exactly where he was. Completely still. Not wanting to move in case the whole thing shattered around him. “Okay. So I’ll help you.”

The blush in her cheeks intensified and her throat moved as she swallowed. “Well, good.” Another tense, terribly awkward silence.

“So?” he prompted, since she didn’t look like she was going to break the silence any time soon. “How did you want this to go? Do you want to do this now? Later?”

Anna looked down at the floor, hands still in the pockets of her jeans. “Oh, uh, I hadn’t really thought. I did come prepared though. Just in case.”

Hence the backpack. How very Anna of her. She’d always been such a Girl Scout. He couldn’t help himself. “What? Condoms? Lube?”

She flushed even brighter. “God, Finn. No. Toothbrush. Nightie.”

A nightie. Anna the ever-practical. Despite the tension in the atmosphere, he couldn’t help grinning a little. “Not even naughty lingerie?”

The corner of her mouth turned up. A small, slightly reluctant-looking smile. “No. I’m not much of a lingerie girl.”

Now
that
he hadn’t known. It made him wonder what else he didn’t know. “Toys?”

He’d said it as a tease, but her smile suddenly vanished. She took her hands out of her pockets, pushing back her hair yet again, and he noticed her fingers shook a little.

“Anna?”

She didn’t take her gaze from the floor. “I’m kind of scared about this.” Something clenched hard inside him at the bald honesty of the statement. At the admission.

“That makes two of us.”

Slowly, she lifted her gaze. Met his. “I thought you weren’t scared of anything.”

“I’m scared of disappointing you. Of frightening you.”

She blinked, as if that wasn’t an answer she’d expected. “I guess if you go slow, it’ll be okay.”

Slow. He wasn’t sure if he could do that. Not after so many years of wanting. Wanting and not having. Yet that’s what she needed.

Finn thought for a minute. “Perhaps you need a safe word.”

“A safe word?” A surprised look on her face. “But isn’t that for bondage type of stuff?” And then, surprise giving way to fear. “I don’t want—”

“No, relax. Christ, I’m not thinking that. All I meant was you having a way of letting me know if anything’s getting too much for you.”

One dark brow rose. “
Stop doing that
isn’t enough for you?”

Finn stared at her, the reality of what they were about to do sinking slowly into him. The reality of what he needed. And what she needed from him.

“No,” he said. “No, it’s not.”
 

Chapter Five

Anna stared at him. There was an intensity to him now she’d never seen before. Or maybe just never noticed. His dark eyes were focused on her as if nothing else in the world existed for him but her. Had he looked at other women this way? She couldn’t remember, not that it mattered.

“Why not?” she asked, trying to get a handle on the awareness of him flooding through her, unstoppable as a spring tide. And on the inevitable fear that, despite her best intentions, had started to make its presence felt. “It should be.”

He hadn’t moved, still standing at the breakfast bar, leaning back against it. His arms were outstretched, palms down on the wood, fingers gripping the edge. “Remember when we went bungee jumping? And I had to push you off the edge?”

Oh yeah. She’d been so angry with him. For all of five seconds. And then the rush of the jump had overcome her, swallowing her fear completely. “I remember.”

“Some fears are like that. They paralyze you. And sometimes you need someone to push you off the edge, to help you see past it.”

She swallowed. “I don’t want to be pushed.”

“But if I hadn’t, you would never have jumped. And you would never have overcome that fear.”

Crap. He was right.

“I’ll push you, Anna.” His voice was soft. “Because that’s what I do. You know that. But I don’t want to go too far. And I want you to feel safe.”

She’d always been a cautious, look-before-you-leap kind of girl. And Finn had always challenged that. He’d made her do things she’d never thought she would be able to do, but he’d never made her feel at risk. It was the whole reason she was here asking him to do this for her in the first place.

“A safe word?” She bit her lip. It did make sense. For both of them. “I dunno…” A thought occurred to her. “What about Clive?”

The intensity in his eyes faded, his long, sensual mouth turning up. “Clive?”

“Yeah, why not? It’s not something I’d ever normally say, right?”

He shook his head, still grinning. “I guess it’d be one hell of a mood killer.”

“Good enough then.” She tried to enjoy the slight decrease in tension but couldn’t, not with all the nerves and apprehension sitting in her stomach.

She had no idea what to do next. Whether that first move was up to her or whether he should do it. Now? Or later?

Her mouth had gone bone dry while she stared at him, all lithe, muscular grace and dark, dark eyes.

Where the hell was the Scotch when she needed it?

Finn shifted, only a slight movement, but she was so wired, so aware of him, she couldn’t help starting a little.