Falling for Finn (5 page)

Something moved in the depths of his eyes. “Put it behind us?

“Yeah. Why not? We’ve done it before.”

“When?”

She met his gaze, feeling the blush rise to her skin yet again. “My twenty-first. You kissed me, remember?”

Chapter Four

Finn nearly took a step back. Oh, yeah, he remembered that kiss.

A complete and utter disaster.

He’d been drunk that night. And he’d never been good at holding back, not like she was. She’d looked so beautiful, wearing a green dress that had made his obsession with her eyes even more intense, making them look greener than grass. The champagne they’d been drinking had lowered his inhibitions to the point of nothingness, and he just hadn’t been able to help himself.

The softness of her mouth, the taste of champagne. And then the shock on her face.

“God, Finn. Do you kiss every woman like that? No wonder it never lasts longer than a night!”

Then she’d laughed, and it was like he was back in his old classroom at school, forced to read aloud in front of the class, trying to make sense of the words that jumbled themselves up on the page. Trying and failing, the rest of the class laughing as he stumbled his way through it.

Stupid Finn Shaw who couldn’t read.

He’d never thought Anna would make him feel the same way, but she had. He’d hidden his hurt though, the same way as he’d done in front of his class all those years ago. He’d made a joke out of it and laughed. Laughed right along with her.

“I remember.”

The blush on Anna’s cheeks glowed. “Well, right. And we put that behind us, didn’t we?”

It wasn’t usually his duty to point out the obvious to her. “That was one kiss, Anna. Sex would be a little more difficult, don’t you think?”

Her gaze fell to the drink in her hands, her hair falling forward, hiding her expression. “God,” she muttered. “I thought men were good at compartmentalizing this kind of crap.”

Yeah, they were supposed to be. But he’d never been any good at it. Not when it came to her.

The restless anger inside him coiled a little tighter, frustration climbing higher. He paced away from the couch again, going back over to the window. Needing to move. Burn some of it off. Get his mind clear.

I want something good to tell me what good feels like…

The hard sound of her voice as she’d spoken the facts of her assault echoed through him, each word like an arrow in his gut.

He wanted to hit something. Or someone.

“Jesus, Finn, can you sit down? You’re making me dizzy with all that pacing around.”

He turned. She had her head propped on the heel of one hand, fingers speared
 
through her brown hair, elbow on her knee. Like she was tired. Or had a headache.

“Maybe I should go,” she went on, her voice slightly muffled. “I need to get home anyway.”

“How do you know it would be good?”

Anna lifted her head. “What?”

“You said you wanted something good to remember. What makes you think sex would be good with me?”

Faint color on her cheeks. “Oh, well…I’ve never heard any complaints.”

No, because he made sure there weren’t any. He’d always been good at physical stuff, and that included sex. “I didn’t know you made a habit of interviewing my lovers, Anna.”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t, believe me.” A small pause. “Lily talked.”

Lily? A weird hot feeling went through him. “She told you?”

“About that secret—” she raised her hands to do air quotes around the word, “—affair you guys were having? Yes. She did.”

Finn thrust his hands in his pockets. Strange, because he shouldn’t feel embarrassed about it. Right? “Why?”

Anna shot him an impatient look. “Because I asked her. Honestly, Finn. Did you really think I didn’t know?”

He’d suspected. “Lily thought you’d be jealous.” It came out defensive, which pissed him off.

A soft, mirthless laugh escaped her. “Jealous? Why on earth would I be jealous?”

His jaw tightened as the hot feeling burned deeper. “I don’t know. It wasn’t my idea to make it a big secret.”

Defensive again, Shaw?

Anna shook her head. “Well, it was sweet of you both to consider my feelings, but really, you didn’t need to bother.” She leaned down and put the drink back on the floor. “I really should go. I need to get home before it gets dark.”

Wait, she was going? Now?

He frowned. “So that’s it?”

Anna pushed herself off the couch. “What do you mean, that’s it?” She bent to retrieve her backpack.

“I won’t have sex with you, so you’re leaving?”

She straightened. “It’s not like that.”

“Bullshit, Anna. It’s exactly like that.”

“Well, what the hell do you want me to do instead? Sit around getting drunk with you?” A spark of anger glowed in her green eyes. “Talk about my experience? Share more details? Work through my anger? Well, you’re shit out of luck if so. Talking did nothing. And I’ve had guts full of it.”

Somehow he’d come back over to where she stood. Not close, but close enough to see her pupils dilate slightly. Close enough to scent the soft, familiar Anna-smell of her. The sweetness of vanilla in her favorite perfume, the one she’d been wearing for years and years. And beneath it the underlying musk that was all her.

He should let this go. Didn’t even know why he was standing here, between her and the door. But he’d never been able to let her walk away, not when she needed him.

“What did you think I’d say?” he asked, not moving.

“I don’t know.” It sounded sulky.

“Crap. You always think things through, Anna. “

“Okay, so I did. I thought you’d want to help me.”

“I do want to help you.”

“Then why aren’t you?”

Anger and frustration coiled deep inside him. “Because I don’t want to be used as your personal vibrator just so you can work out your shit.”

He hadn’t meant to say it like that. Hadn’t meant to be so blunt. And when he saw the flash of hurt and anger in her eyes, he knew he’d gone too far.

“My shit?” Incredulity in her tone. “That assault was
my shit
?”

Finn let out a breath. Jesus, he’d never been this much of prick with a woman before, least of all Anna Jameson whom he’d known since he was seven years old. “No, of course not. I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to say that. It’s just…” He lifted a hand, pushed it through his hair. “Do you even want me, Anna? Or does that not even come into it?”

Her gaze slid away from his, her cheeks coloring up. “W-want you? What’s that got to do with it?”

Finn dropped his hand, disappointment gathering inside him. A bitter, aching disappointment. “Because it’s kind of important to me.”

“Why?”

Did she really have to ask him that? “I may be a guy, but I have feelings just the same as you. Making love to someone who doesn’t actually want me isn’t a turn-on.”

Anna blinked. Then she let out a breath. “I…” She stopped, then murmured, “I need the bathroom. Be back in a sec.” She sidestepped him, backpack dropping back onto the ground as she moved across the room and disappeared down the hallway.

He cursed under his breath. Avoiding again. She couldn’t really want this. Not really. So why the hell was he pushing? He’d already decided not to do it, hadn’t he?

Hadn’t he?

Anna bent over the bathroom basin, flicking water over her burning face, her heart beating weirdly fast.

What the hell was she doing? She should have just left, not taken a side trip into the bathroom. Leaving was what she’d intended to do because there wasn’t any point staying. Not now.

Do you even want me?

She straightened, looked at herself in the mirror. God, her cheeks looked like a five-year-old had taken to them with the blusher pot. The
whole
blusher pot. Damn pale skin. It showed every mark.

Anna pressed her palms to her hot face.

She’d thought about her request long and hard before she’d come here, viewed it from every angle. Even made herself think about how sex with Finn would be, though it had embarrassed her to the point of groaning. How it would happen. What he’d do.

She’d thought he’d probably be gentle and patient. Perhaps tender. She hoped she wouldn’t feel afraid with him—certainly in her imaginings she’d never felt fear. Embarrassment, yes. Fear, no. And she’d wanted it to be good. Not necessarily earth-moving type of good, but at least some pleasure with which to replace the horrible nothingness she had now.

Actually, just being able to touch someone without going dry-mouthed with fear would be a start. She missed physical closeness. That sense of connection with another person.

One more reason she’d chosen Finn. He was a physical kind of guy, plus he was good at things that involved physical exertion.

Afterwards, she’d expected to put it behind them and not think of it again.

She’d thought he’d feel the same.

Crap, girl. You didn’t think that. Because you didn’t consider how he might feel about this at all, right?

Anna bit her lip, uncomfortably aware that her subconscious—the bitch—was right.

Once again she’d treated him like a dumb male who would do anything to get off. But he wasn’t. God, she knew that.

Finn Shaw was one of the most intelligent people she’d ever met.

She sighed, staring at herself.

Maybe she’d been naïve. What had made her think sex with her best friend would cure the fear anyway? Forcing herself to be intimate with someone just to get over her fear seemed ridiculous.

But you did want to be able to enjoy a happy sexual relationship with someone else at some stage. And you did want some good memories. To fill in the blank spaces…

Anna shut her eyes, the conversation she’d had with Lily suddenly echoing inside her.

“So, why?” she’d asked her friend, once they’d got over the general embarrassment of Lily’s supposedly secret affair with Finn being not so secret after all.

“Have you not seen the guy?” Lily had looked at her like she was insane. “He’s smoking hot. Jeez, I can’t believe you’ve never gone there yourself.”

“He’s my friend, Lil.”

“So?” And then, much to her intense embarrassment, Lily had leaned forward and whispered, “He’s a god in bed, Anna. He does this thing with his tongue that’s—”

“Shut up!” she’d shrieked, just about putting her hands over her ears. “God’s sake, I don’t want to know.” And she really hadn’t. It had been like hearing what her brother was like in bed. If she’d had a brother.

Lily had shrugged. “Your loss. You know the best part though? He actually likes cuddling afterwards. He gets all slow and gentle.” Her friend had shivered then. Noticeably. “Makes you feel safe.”

Safe.

That was why she’d wanted to do this with Finn. Because he was safe. She knew him. Trusted him. He would never hurt her.

And also because Lily said he’s a god in bed. Don’t kid yourself it’s not.

Anna swallowed.

Yeah, okay, that may have had something to do with it. But acknowledging that felt dangerous. As did acknowledging that fledgling awareness inside her. That awareness of Finn as something more than a friend.

She didn’t know if she wanted to go there. Keeping it just about the sex, not letting the friendship part of it get in the way, felt safer. Easier somehow. Less complicated.

Man, weren’t guys supposed to be thinking this crap?

The back of her neck prickled. She glanced in the mirror and met Finn’s eyes staring into hers. He’d followed her to the doorway of the bathroom, leaning against the frame, arms folded. Anna found herself looking at them. Lean forearms, long fingers resting on powerful biceps, smooth brown skin… All those extreme sports he did must have made him strong. God. Sexy. Really, really sexy.

“Are you going or what?”

She dried her hands and turned. “Why? Changed your mind?”

“Do you really want me to?”

“I wouldn’t have asked in the first place if I hadn’t wanted—”

“I’m serious, Anna.” There was something in his gaze she couldn’t quite work out. “Do you really have any idea what you’re asking?”

“Yes. Of course I do.”

“Then what? A quick fuck on the couch? Is that what you’re after?”

She could feel herself blushing at the crudity of it, and a flash of anger went through her. “Why? Is that all you’re up for these days?”

He said nothing and Anna bit her lip, hating the way the words suddenly sounded petulant. She let out a breath. “I thought we’d have a night.” It felt weird to say it out loud. To him. “I don’t know how I’m going to feel when…you know…”

“When we fuck?”

“No! Stop saying that.”

“But that’s what you’re asking.”

A tense silence fell between them.

“Why are you so angry about this?” she blurted out. “You’re acting like I personally offended you or something. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. I’m disappointed, yeah, but I understand your reasons for saying no. Is there anything more to be said?”