Falling for Finn (14 page)

Gorgeous man.

Why did she have to notice? Why was
that
now the first thing she saw whenever she looked at him?

He didn’t say anything to her, merely putting a finger on one of the laptop keys, stopping the video amid a chorus of disappointment from everyone watching it. “We’ll see the rest of this later, guys. I have another meeting.”

A couple of minutes later they were alone.

“So,” Finn said, getting to his feet in a lazy, graceful movement. “I take it you’ve stopped sulking?”

Anna wandered over to his desk, pushing herself up on top of it, hoping she looked casual and not nearly shaking with nervousness. “What do you want, Finn?”

He went to the door, which one of the guys had left open. Putting a hand on the handle, he pushed it closed, then turned and leaned back against the wood, crossing his arms.

She found herself staring at the way his T-shirt pulled over his wide shoulders, the stretch of it around the hard muscle of his biceps. God, she remembered how strong he was. How those arms had felt around her. The flex of those muscles under her hand…

Anna looked away, her mouth dry. She had to stop remembering that. Had to stop thinking about it.

It was the most incredible experience of my life…

“I would have thought it was obvious what I wanted to talk about.”

Only just stopping herself from shaking her head to clear the memories, Anna curled her fingers under the edge of the desk, gripping on tight. “Oh yeah. You love me. That’s right.”

“You’re angry.”

“Well spotted, genius. Yes, of course I’m angry.”

The look in his eyes became impenetrable. “Why?”

“Because I didn’t ask for this, Finn. I didn’t want this.”

“And you think I did? You think I wanted to fall in love with someone who doesn’t give a fuck?”

“That’s not true! I do give—”

“But you don’t love me back.” His voice sounded hard and cold. “Do you, Anna?”

Anna blinked, staring at him, not ready for the straight-out brutality of the question.

She felt dizzy all of a sudden. As if the ground beneath her feet, normally firm, had moved. Had shaken. Cracked apart. An earthquake turning her life upside down. And he the stranger doing all the shaking. A man she didn’t know. A man who didn’t bear any resemblance to the friend she knew. The familiar, funny, laughing Finn she loved.

Because she did love him. Just not the way he wanted her to.

“I do love you, Finn. But you’re my friend, not—”

“Yeah, you keep saying that. I get it. You don’t have to say it again.” He stood against the door, arms still folded, and there was an odd kind of stillness about him. A certainty in his expression.
 
“In which case, I have something to say to you.”

Fear turned over inside her. Fear and a helpless anger. This was spinning out of control and she couldn’t stop it. She gripped the desk hard. “And what’s that?”

“That I’m tired of staying in the box you put me in. I’m tired of being the friend
you
want me to be. I’m tired of having to pretend I don’t feel what I feel. And I’m done with it. I’ve done it for too many years and I’m not doing it anymore. I want something for a change. I want something for me.”

Her jaw was so tight it ached. “What the hell do you mean by that?”

“It’s always about you. What you want. What you need. What about me, Anna? What about what I want?”

“What about you, Finn? Were you the one almost date-raped by a complete stranger? No, I don’t think so.”

A muscle ticked in his jaw. His eyes dark and cold. So cold. “I know how awful it was for you, and believe me, if I could, I’d make sure that guy never hurts you again. Never hurts anyone again. But I’m also not your bloody Band-Aid or a fucking phone counselor. Just like I’m not a lover you can take whenever you feel the urge, then ignore because it doesn’t suit you.”

“I never said—”

“I’m your friend of twenty goddamned years, Anna. The one who held you every time you cried, who was there every time you needed someone to talk to. Who held your hand when you were scared. Who had to watch you fall in love with someone else and not say a word. The one you cut out of your life for six months. Is what I want not important?”

The words were flat and brutal, sharp as arrows, each one finding a target.

Anna slid off the desk, a defensive rage coursing through her. All she could think was that Finn seemed bent on destroying them. Destroying their friendship.

“Don’t you dare say that,” she said starkly. “Don’t you dare think you mean nothing to me. You know that’s not true, Finn, you know it!”

“Do I? All I know is that I’m in love with you. And it’s killing me.”

She began to shiver now, physical reaction setting in. “This isn’t my fault!”

“I didn’t say it was.”

“Then stop punishing me for it.”

He shoved himself away from the door, a hand pushing through his blond hair. “Jesus, I’m not punishing you, Anna.”

“Yes, you are. You just said you wanted something for you. Like I’ve given you nothing. I taught you to read, Finn. I propped up your ego for years after your bloody family trashed it. I even got you this stupid job when you couldn’t find anything else, so don’t you dare tell me you’ve had nothing from me!”

She hadn’t realized he’d moved toward her. Hadn’t realized that she’d been moving toward him too. Not until he took another step that brought him close enough for her to feel the heat of his body. Smell the warmth of sun and salt and the special, spicy, masculine scent that was all Finn.

“And did you do all those things for me?” he said harshly. “Or because they made you feel better about yourself?”

She felt like he’d slapped her. “No, of course not! I did them for you!”

“Then why does it sound like a justification?”

Anna took a ragged breath, wishing she were anywhere else but here. She’d always hated confrontation, had hated it when her parents used to scream blue murder at each other, hated it now. Especially when Finn was supposed to be the one man she’d never thought she would end up shouting at.

“Don’t do this,” she said, unable to stop herself from pleading. “You’re ruining it. You’re ruining what we have.”

But the look in his eyes didn’t soften. None of the care and concern she usually saw there. The eyes of a stranger. “I’m not ruining anything, Anna. I’m just being honest with you.”

“Why?” God, she sounded so hoarse. “Why can’t you just keep lying?”

Something crossed his face, an expression she didn’t recognize. Then he took one more step, and suddenly an arm was around her waist and the length of his hot, powerful body up against hers. All the air left her lungs. The heat of him like an open flame on her skin.

He lifted a hand, his fingers pushing into her hair, tangling in it, gripping it.

She couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. The darkness of his eyes, the feel of him against her held her motionless.

“No, Anna,” he said roughly. “I’m not lying again. Not for you. Not for me. Not for us. Not when there’s so much more we could have together.”

“What more?”

“This.” And his mouth came down on hers.

He knew he shouldn’t do it, but he couldn’t help himself. He was so angry. So goddamned angry with her. And so full of want. So full of helpless need.

She was killing him. Slowly and by degrees, and he was letting her do it. It had to stop.

So one of the first things he had to do was remind her of how it been between them.

Anna made a small sound, like a gasp, and for a second she stilled in his arms. Then her mouth softened beneath his and he started to kiss her, kiss her like she held the only source of air in the room.

Christ, she tasted good. Hot and sweet, just like he remembered.

He tightened his grip in her hair, the silky strands against his fingers, pulling her head back further so he could explore the heat of her mouth. And she let him, her body going soft and pliant in his arms, her hands pressed to his chest, fingers spread. But not to push him away. She began to kiss him back, hesitantly at first, then with greater hunger. The fingers on his chest curled into his T-shirt, gripping it like she wanted him closer.

His mind blanked. It seemed imperative that he get to the couch, or to the desk, or, hell, the floor would do, to push her down, pull up the little denim mini she wore, sink himself into the tight, wet heat of her. Ease the desperate ache that seemed to have taken up permanent residence inside him.

He wanted her so much. It would never leave him. He knew that now. Nobody would ever compare to her. Nobody would even come close.

Yeah, those are the stakes, you fucking idiot. Don’t blow it.

Jesus. He couldn’t take this further, not now. It was supposed to be a reminder, nothing more.

Finn tore his mouth from hers, releasing her so suddenly she gasped, stumbling. He panted, hard as a rock, barely able to get a breath to speak.

Anna stared at him, cheeks flushed, eyes wide. She raised a hand to her mouth, fingers trembling. “Why did you do that?” Her voice sounded so husky he almost shivered.

“So you remember what it was like.” He had to grip the back of the couch near where he stood. Just to have something to hold on to. “To remind you of what we could have together.”

Her hand dropped as a wave of anger passed over her face. “So this is all about the sex? Is that what you’re saying?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying and you know it.”

“Bullshit, Finn!” The flush in her cheeks deepened. “You want to have your cake and eat it too. You want me to be your friend with sex on the bloody side!”

He stared at her, unable to quite believe how paltry she’d made it sound. How shallow. Did she really think that’s all he wanted? Christ, he’d told her he loved her. What did she think that meant?

“You really want to know what I want, Anna? Not just friendship. Not just sex.” He took a helpless step toward her. “I want everything. I want your love. I want your heart. I want your fucking soul!”

The pink on her cheekbones vanished, her luscious mouth becoming a tight line. “Well, you can’t have it.”

“Why not? You were going to give it to Michael.”

“He wasn’t my friend!”

He couldn’t help himself. He stalked toward her again. “Why? What difference does it make?”

Anna took a step back, and he saw fear flash in her eyes. It made him stop. Made him realize what he was doing. “Because you have to stay my friend, Finn. I don’t have anyone else. Not like you. And if you became more. If it didn’t work out and I lost you…” She stopped suddenly.

“If you lost me what?”

Her dark lashes fluttered and she looked away. “Then I’d be alone.”

The words were quiet but he heard.

Bitterness coiled inside him. “So that’s your reason? You don’t want me because you don’t want to be alone? Why would you think it wouldn’t work out between us anyway? We’ve been friends for twenty years, Anna. That’s longer than some marriages.”

She put a hand to her forehead, as if she had a headache. “Because it doesn’t for some people, Finn. Look at my parents. They were in love once. Look what happened to them.”

“But we’re not our parents, Anna.”

“I know but I don’t care!” Her hand dropped again. “I don’t want to risk it, Finn. I don’t!”

Of course. She never wanted to risk anything. She’d always been too afraid. And this was the one thing he couldn’t push her into. He couldn’t make her love him.

“Okay,” he said, his voice oddly calm. “You don’t want to risk it. That’s fine. But here’s the deal. If you want me, you have to take all of me. I’m not settling for half measures. Not anymore.”

Her green eyes had gone wide. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t be your friend, Anna.”

She went white. “You’d throw away our friendship just because I won’t be your girlfriend?”

“I’m not the one throwing it away.”

Her mouth opened. “You bastard. Don’t make this my fault!”

“Isn’t it, though? Aren’t you the one who’s too shit scared to take a chance?”

“There isn’t anything to take a chance on! I don’t want this. I love you as a friend, Finn. But that’s all!”

She couldn’t be much plainer than that. But as he stared into her eyes, he saw something deeper. Doubt. Uncertainty. Fear.

“You felt something when we were together, Anna. I know you did. Sex like that doesn’t happen between two people who are only friends. It just doesn’t.”

“How do you know? How many friends have you had sex with?” She turned suddenly. “This is stupid. I’m not having this discussion with you right now.”

“When do you want to have it then?” A decision settled down inside him. One final gamble. “Because if you walk out, that’s it, Anna.”

“What? You’re issuing ultimatums now?”

“Call it what you want. I’ve taken what you were prepared to give me for too many years. Taken it like a good little boy. But not anymore. It’s all or nothing.” He stared at her. “Make your choice.”